A/N: Hello guys, I just want to thank you for all your support on this story and for all your wonderful feedback and comments. I am sorry once again for taking so long it was a hard week for me and it took longer than expected to write this. I am going to warn you that this chapter will be very mature and very dark, so read it at your own risk. I am not completely happy with this chapter but I rewrote it over and over and I finally just decides to post it. That being said I hope you enjoy and as always leave me some feedback and stay safe out there 💜
Ant's POV
"This is all your fault Anthony, you let Stephen die! I wish I had never met you, they were right you are bad luck!"
I felt tears in my eyes as I stared dumbly at the small sandy haired man yelling in my face, I tried to fight them and it took a few moments before I finally managed a response.
"Dec please! I'm sorry I didn't mean to kill him, I tried to save him! I tried to stop the bleeding but I couldn't, I begged him to stay with me." I cut off as tears rolled down my face and a lump formed in my throat, I tried to choke the lump down to speak but Dec beat me to it.
"You may have tried to stop the bleeding but where were you before then? Where were you when he was struggling Anthony? You didn't care about him, you promised him you wouldn't leave him and then what did you do? You left the room with me this morning and now he's dead! It's all your fault, you let him down Anthony just like you let me down just like you let everyone down! No wonder he wouldn't stay with you!"
I knew what he was saying was true but I never thought he would say it aloud, I started to cry in earnest now and I found myself sobbing out random apologies through my tears.
"I'm sorry Dec I'm so sorry. I know I let him down and let you down as well but please Dec give me a chance to fix things. I know I don't deserve it but please Declan."
I was looking at his face through my watery eyes and I watched as his normally kind and loving face twisted up in malice when he spoke.
"Sorry won't change what you did Anthony! It won't bring Stephen back and it won't change the fact that you are always letting everyone down. You're right you don't deserve another chance! I gave you one before and look what's happend! Face it Anthony you're a lost cause and it's time I cut ties before I get hurt just like Stephen did."
He turned and stormed out the door and I moved to grab his arm trying to stop him, I couldn't lose Dec I just couldn't, "Dec please don't do this!"
He turned to look at me and his face twisted in disgust, he grabbed my arm and shoved me backwards, "Stay away from me Anthony I never want to see you again, you should be the one who is dead right now not Stephen."
I froze at his words backing away from him and I felt the tears flowing freely now, I wanted to tell him he was wrong but I couldn't because I knew he was right everything he had said was right. I watched him leave and I could feel something inside me breaking, I started to feel empty and hollow; like I was just a shell.
The man I had been best friends with for the last three decades had just told me he never wanted to see me again, he had essenitally told me he wished I was dead. That hollow feeling forming inside me was caused by the man who had half my heart and half my soul walking away from me; I cried out in pain and agony.
I now knew what it felt like when your soul shattered into a million pieces, I closed my eyes against the pain as I tripped backwards over something in the room.
I jolted awake and felt tears pouring down my face as my heart threatned to pound right out of my chest. I sat up in bed shaking all over as I recalled the dream I had just had, I started to sob a little as I heard Dream Dec's words in my mind. I tried to block them but it wasn't working because i believed every word of it, everything that Dream Dec had said was true.
I sat there trying to calm myself down and even though I knew it was silly of me at that moment I wanted Dec, he always comforted me after a nightmare like this. I knew he hated me now and didn't want me around him anymore but I just needed to hear his voice; I wanted him to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be ok, that he still loved me.
I didn't even try to fight my body as it seemed to move on it's own accord until I stood in front of the door that divided our rooms I put my hand the handle and was about to open it when I heard Dec's voice. I stopped and listened through the door as he seemed to be talking to someone, the door was very thick and I had to strain to hear the words.
"Ant....better off without...."
I felt my heart freeze I couldn't make out all of the sentence but I heard enough, Dec had said he was better off without me. Tears filled my eyes as I heard someone respond back but their voice was so low I couldn't make it out; I started to run away from the door but then I heard Dec's voice again.
"....killed Stephen he needs to stay away from me.."
I rushed backwards away from the door at those words, no no no please no! I was dreaming again that was the only explanation for this becasue my Dec would never say those things....would he?
My leg connected with the nightstand and as the pain tore through it I realized that this wasn't a dream, Dec had really said those things. He was better off without me and he blamed me for Stephen's Death; he wanted me to stay away from him. I started sobbing burying my face into my hands to muffle the sound as that feeling from my dream came back; the hollow empty feeling of my soul shattering inside me.
I couldn't believe Dec had said those things I loved him and Stephen I hadn't meant for Stevie to die! I hadn't meant to fail everyone all my life, I hadn't meant to fail Dec; I sobbed harder as I realized that I had just lost Stevie as well as my best friend in the entire world.
If Dec didn't want me around anymore then I was positive no one else would either, I recalled Dream Dec's words from before.
"you should be the one who is dead right now not Stephen."
Those words played across my mind and they mixed with the words I had overheard Dec say a few minutes ago, I felt a strange feeling surge through me and I stood up off the bed wiping my tears; I had to set things right.
I had killed Stephen, I was a failure who was always letting people down; I was the one who deserved to die.
I knew what I had to do now and I felt determination sweep through me as I moved towards the door that led out into the hall. I couldn't do it here because I knew that Dec would be the one to find me and even though he hated me now I loved him and I couldn't stand the thought of him being the one to find me, it would traumatize him.
I paused as I reached the door turning back to look at the room and wondered if I should leave a note, I considered it briefly before shaking my head. I was wasting time, Amanda or Alesha might be back any second and I didn't think they would take what I was about to do too well.
I turned back around and ran down the hall to the lift leaving the door to my room open, I got into the lift and I pressed the button for Stephen's floor.
I don't think I had actually had a place in mind until now but as I pressed the button I couldn't help thinking that it was the most appropriate place for what I was going to do. They would never think to look for me there and if i was about to follow in Stephen's footsteps what better place than the hotel room where this had all started.
Dec's POV
I was waiting for Simon to get Ant, I felt guilty about the way I had treated him at hospital and about avoiding him I needed to make up for it.
I also knew Ant and I knew that right now he was feeling guilty and he probably thought I was angry with him, I had to reassure him that neither was true. Ant had always thought that when people didn't speak to him they were angry with him and it had only gotten worse the past couple of years, I felt guilty now; he had suffered just as much as I had today and instead of comforting him I had acted like an idiot and avoided him.
I wiped my face again with the tissue making sure that Ant wouldn't realize I had been crying, I didn't plan on telling him about the sleeping pills and if he saw that I had been crying he would ask questions. I wasn't going to lie to him so maybe if my face looked normal then he wouldn't ask and we could avoid that particular converstion because I knew he would only worry and get upset.
As I finished I realized that Simon hadn't returned yet, I knew Ant was a heavy sleeper sometimes but this was taking far too long; I shuddered as I wondered if he was having another nightmare.
I couldn't keep the worry out of my voice as I called out, "Simon is everything alright?"
I held my breath as I waited for him to answer only to feel my heart plummet when he didn't, I jumped off the bed running to Ant's room already fearing the worst. I ran through the door and almost slammed right into Simon, he stood just inside the doorway looking frozen in place with a look of shock on his face. I started to ask what was wrong but then I realized that the bed was empty and the door to Ant's room was standing wide open, oh god where was Ant?
I felt sick with fear and my heart was pounding as I brushed past Simon walking into the restroom, I froze as I remembered the scene with Stephen this morning and I felt a chill pass through me; was I going to find Ant bleeding out on the floor as well?
I had to take a few minutes to summon the strength to look into the restroom and when I finally did I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized it was empty.
The relief vanished quickly and I felt tears rush into my eyes as an important question took over my mind, where was Anth? I was afraid and I needed to find him because I couldn't lose Anth I just couldn't, it would be like losing a part of myself.
I had to find him fast because I had almost overdosed earlier and I was the rational one out of the two of us; Ant's emotions would get the better of him sometimes and I felt sick picturing what Ant might do if he was in the same state i had been in moments ago.
I quickly pushed those images down now was not the time to panic or fall apart, I had to find Anth and I had to find him now.
I couldn't stop the tears that started to fall as my brain spun countless scenarios most of them involving Ant...I couldn't even think the words. I heard a whimper escape my throat and I had to fight the urge to fall to pieces, I couldn't do that right now. Ant needed me, I had to find him and I couldn't do that if I had a mental breakdown; I stood there willing myself to be strong and trying to calm the storm of emotions inside me when someone spoke.
"Dec it's going to be ok we will find him you'll see; Maybe he just went for a walk or something".
I heard Simon's words but they didn't comfort me at all, I had always possessed a sixth sense when it came to Ant and now it was telling me that something was wrong with him; I shook my head and my heart started to ache with longing and worry. All I wanted right now was for Ant to be here so I could tell him I was sorry for acting the way I had, I wanted to reassure him that he had nothing to do with what had happened to Stephen and most of all I just wanted to hug my best friend.
I started cry as I remembered the way Anth's arms always wrapped almost entirely around me and the way he would press his face to my hair; I rembered how warm his hugs were and the way I always felt safe in his hold. I didn't just want Anth I needed him, I needed him here with me; I would give anything to have him with me right now just so I would know he was safe.
I was such an Idiot for not talking to him earlier and if I lost Ant because of it I would never forgive myself, if I lost Ant I would swallow that whole bottle of pills. I couldn't live without him the one time I had been in a position where I had to be without him it had destroyed me.
There was no way I would be able survive the rest of my life without Ant, just the thought of it made my heart miss a few beats; I had to find him before it was too late.
Ant's POV
I stepped out of the lift and moved down the hall as memories from earlier today threatened to overwhelm me, I hurriedly forced them down; now was not the time to fall apart. I had to hurry becuase it was only a matter if time before someone realized I was missing, I didn't think anyone would actually care but I wasn't taking any chances; I had to do this.
I walked down the hall and stopped in front of Stephen's room, the door was still open and there was police tape over it,I guess they had put that up to keep people out until someone cleaned the room and collected Stephen's things.
I ducked under the tape and entered the room only to feel my blood go cold as memories from this morning surfaced and I had to put up a really good fight to push them down becasue they were being quite difficult. Eventually I managed to push them away and I went into the restroom to look for the razor Stephen had used.
I ignored the pool of blood on the floor and looked around the restroom until I saw something glinting dully at me, I bent down and picked up the razor blade from the floor.
I held it in my hand and I felt a shiver pass through me as I wondered how something so small could cause so much trouble. I shook myself and stood moving to the sink turning the water on to rinse the blade off, it was about to get dirty again but I just felt the need to clean it off for some reason. Maybe I was trying to delay this because deep down I knew this wouldn't solve things but my rational thoughts were quickly drowned out by the storm of my emotions and the memory of Dec's words.
I foucused on cleaning all of Stephen's blood off the blade as those words played in my mind and when I finished I took the blade in my hand and sat down on the closed toilet seat.
I stared at the blade in my hand and I turned it in my fingers as I thought, was I really going to this? I thought about the decison i was about to make, no one knew where I was and if I did this no one would be here to stop me. I would die alone here surrounded by the blood of the man I had killed with my neglignce, I couldn't help but appreciate the grim Irony of it all as I continued twirl the blade between my fingers.
I thought about my life, I had messed up so much especially the last couple of years I had hurt a lot of people including Dec. I felt a tear fall at the thought of Dec's name, I had put him through hell and he didn't deserfve that; we had had some good times but the last couple years the bad had seemed to outweigh all of them.
He had forgiven me for the accident a couple of years ago even though it was inexcusable he had forgiven me and had actually helped me to get better and try to become a better person. I was forever greatful to him for that and I had tried to live up to the expectations he had for me but then today I had allowed Stephen to die, today I had let him down again.
I recalled his words from eariler about wanting me to stay away from him, I felt more tears fall as I realized that Dec had finally had enough of me. I raised the blade to my arm only to pause again, I knew Dec wanted me to stay away from him but I also knew Declan better than anyone; this would hurt him.
I went to lower the blade as I realized that I couldn't do this him, he would blame himself even though I was the only one to blame for this. I felt the blade lower and I almost dropped it back onto the floor before my rational thoughts were drowned out by memories resurafcing, I felt the blade rise up again and I desperatly tried to drop it only to realize I had no control over my body anymore. My emotions had taken over and I whimpered as fear filled me, I didn't want to do this anymore but I was no longer able to stop.
I was fighting against the memories now and against my own body but one of them broke through and I stopped fighting as it played it my mind, I saw Stephen sobbing on the bed and I saw him moving away from me in fear as I approached him.
Was I really such a horrible person that Stephen had been afraid of me? I flinced when I felt a sharp sting from my left arm. I looked down in surprise and horror as I saw a cut running across the underside of my arm just above my wrist, I had been so lost in the memory that hadn't realized my hand had moved. I tried to drop the blade again only to be stopped as yet another memory surfaced.
This one involved me sitting on the bed with Stephen in my arms trying to comfort him, I remembered holding him and even rocking us a little in an effort to calm him.
I flinched again as I rembered the soft words I had spoken to him moments beforehand, I had told him that everything would be ok I had promised him I wouldnt leave.
I had lied to Stephen becasue this morning I had left him and then he had died and nothing would ever be ok again. I got pulled out of my thoughts as I became aware of two more stings joinging the first one, my hand had moved again and once again I had been too distracted to stop myself.
I seemed to not be able to control my body and I was getting scared as more memories flashed trough my mind. Stephen's tearstreaked face, Stephen's gasps for air, Ieaving the room even though i knew it was a bad idea, all of these thoughts were were followed by a sharp sting on my arm.
I started to cry because I was getting scared and I couldn't seem to gain control over my body. It was like I watching someone else's hands and I deperatly fought for control as I felt blood running down my arm.
I felt sick and started to cry harder as another memory made itself known, me holding Stephen in my arms as he died; I watched in horror as my hand flashed across my arm again I was really getting scared now but the memories weren't stopping and I was still unable to gain control over my emtions or my body.
I started sobbing as more meomories flooded my mind. Dec telling me to go to the hotel without him, the nightmare about Stephen coming to get me, me begging Amanda not to get Dec, and finally Dec's words from earlier "....killed Stephen he needs to stay away from me.."
I realized that with each memory my hand moved once again without my knowledge and I looked down at my arm in horror.
Angry marks ran in a criss cross pattern from my elbow down, the sight made me feel sick and I finally managed to regain control over my body as I opened my hand and the blade dropped onto the floor.
Oh god what had i done?
I was scared and I began to feel dizzy from the sight of blood dripping from the wounds, my rational mind had finally taken over but it was too late.
I felt my heart pounding, I couldn't believe I had done this to myself; I didn't want to die.
I knew I deserved to but I didn't want to, I sobbed harder as I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. I should have never ran away i should have talked to Dec and tried to fix things before doing this, I had acted on impulse again and now I was about to pay the price.
I cried for a few more minutes as regret and fear filled me, was this how Stephen had felt as I had held him in my arms?
Some small part of my brain that was still working and wasn't consumed with panic, fear, and regret made me realize that I needed to call Dec. He might not answer and he wasn't my friend anymore but I felt the need to say goodbye, I had to say goodbye.
I stood up and stumbled out of the bathroom to pick up the landline phone that was on a table in the room, I had left my cellphone behind but I knew Dec's number by heart. I picked up the reciever with my hands shaking and after a few tries I finally dialed the right number and held it to my ear as it rang.
I prayed Dec would pick up I didn't know how much time I had left and I if this was the end for me then I wanted to say goodbye to the best friend anyone could ever ask for, I wanted to thank him for the last 30 years and to apologize for all the mistakes I had made, I wanted him to know how much I loved and appreciated him.
I almost cried out in relief as I heard Dec's voice answer the phone, "hello?" I flinched as I heard the worried tone in is voice and as the lump formed in my throat again at the sound I manged to barely choke out his name,
"Declan.."
A/N: Well guys I know this one got very dark and very scary but if you made it this far I just want to thank you for taking the time to read it. I feel like this story is getting repetitive and boring, so all your support means the world. Thanks again everyone and let me know if you want me to keep going with this.