Each second, of every hour, of every day, of every week, had felt like hell without you.
It sounded quite dramatic when Kylo thought about it like that. Pathetic even. If someone would have told him a year ago that he would be feeling like this about someone, he probably would have sliced their head off. Probably would have enjoyed doing it too.
And look at where he was now.
Fuck, it made him sound whipped. Completely wrapped around your finger. Intoxicated off of you like you were a drug that he couldn't resist.
He was addicted; as much as he didn't want to admit it.
It had been over a month. A month since he held you in his arms. A month since he left you lying in your bed to walk down those never-ending hallways. A month since Snoke had forced him to do the last thing he had ever wanted to do. A month since absolutely everything had changed.
Changed for the worse.
When he blinked his eyes open that morning, he knew something was off. He could feel it. The energy that was radiating all the way from the throne room was suffocating. It was cold and unforgiving. Made him feel like he was drowning. It was so intense he was sure you could probably sense it.
He knew that what he would be walking into wouldn't be pleasant; not at all. But he didn't have a choice. He couldn't avoid what was to come as much as it terrified him.
Holding your sleeping body close to his, he tried to absorb your scent. Soak in the feeling of being close to you. Relish in the comfort that you brought him.
Why hadn't he said anything to you? Said anything about what was going on. Warned you.
Well, that would have made too much damn sense.
At the time, it seemed like a better idea to not tell you anything. Keep you in the dark. Keep his secrets from you. Keep you from worrying about it all. Keep you from getting involved and getting hurt.
Maybe if he had said something, things wouldn't be like they were now.
Maybe you'd still be his.
Maybe he wouldn't feel this gut-wrenching feeling.
The feeling of hopelessness.
His brief goodbye to you that morning was seared into his memory. Kylo would have given anything and everything to go back and change things. Change how things had happened.
Instead, he had put on a fake happy face and left you there. Left you to walk through those dark shiny hallways that seemed to be sucking him directly towards the coldness. It was radiating through his entire body making him tremble.
Just like the last time he had a meeting like this; he was incredibly nervous. He had never given Snoke a reason to punish him before. At least, not willingly. Had he gotten verbally and physically abused by his Master in the past? Yes.
But this was different. You were different. This entire situation he was in was different.
He had willingly gone against Snoke's orders to cut off his ties with you and he now had to pay the price of doing that.
He should have never gotten involved with you. Should have never even given you the time of day when he walked into that medbay. Should have never ever let things get this far.
He knew it was risky from the start.
And yet, he had given in. He had given in to the temptation. He had been willing to risk it all to be with you.
Kylo had never had the desire to have this type of connection with anyone before. Yeah, he had fucked girls before, but he had never made an effort with any of them. With you though, he knew from the beginning that it wouldn't just be something that was quickly over.
You were unlike anyone he had ever been with before.
In all of his training over the years, both as a Jedi and now under Snoke, he had learned to not have attachments. It was drilled into his mind to cut off all ties of emotion and feelings that wouldn't benefit his progress. He was determined to succeed and not become a failure like those that came before him.
He had to be better than them. He had to prove himself.
The throne room had felt like a freezer. Walking into it felt like he had been dropped into straight ice and it was already making his head hurt.
Kneeling immediately once he was inside, he took off his helmet knowing Snoke would want to see his face. Staying close to the ground, he looked up to meet the ugly eyes of his Master.
The anger was palpable. But he wasn't just angry. No, he was much worse than that. Kylo didn't even know how to describe the feeling that was emanating off of Snoke.
"Young Ren," he said lowly as he tilted his head to the side.
With a bow, he replied, "Master Snoke."
Without hesitation, he got right into it by snarling wickedly, "Your little distraction has become too much. I ordered you to end that retched attachment. Care to explain what happened?"
Taking a calming breath while keeping his thoughts blank, he spoke slowly, "It won't happen again."
"That's what you said last time, boy," he spat back making Kylo want to flinch away. "You are pathetic and weak."
"I am strong from your teaching and guidance, Master."
"You lie," Snoke growled back. "You are letting this interfere with your training."
Taking a gulp of air, Kylo said, "I have kept up with my trainings and-"
"You are being called to the light. I know you have sensed it," he said in a cold tone. "I have sensed the conflict within you. This girl, this worthless girl, has made you soft."
Kylo hung his head not knowing how to respond. Especially when Snoke was right.
"Was my threat to eliminate her not enough? I won't hesitate to-"
"That won't be necessary," Kylo replied quickly.
There was a tense pause, "Don't interrupt me, boy."
Holding his wrinkled gray hand upwards, Kylo's body quickly flew upwards and into the air. He was too caught off guard to know what was going on as he hovered above the ground completely frozen. It felt like small shards of metal were digging into his skin. The pain rang throughout his body, but he was determined to not show it.
Snoke's face was screwed up in a wicked smile as he watched Kylo hang there helplessly as he was crushed by the Force. He was sitting on the throne looking completely relaxed and not remotely affected by what was happening before him.
Kylo's body hung in the air getting tortured until he eventually began gasping for air practially begging to be set free of the tight hold.
Taking it as a sign of giving up, a low cackle left Snoke's mouth. It seemed enough to satisfy him, for now, and he released the intense hold he had. A sickening loud smack rang throughout the room as the Commander's body hit the ground.
Scrambling up to his knees, he bowed his head once again to Snoke.
He couldn't show any weaknesses; even if his entire body was screaming at him in agony.
"End it now," Snoke said as he leaned back in his seat. "Or I'll make you end her life."
Kylo nodded, "Yes, Master."
Lifting his sagging hand up again, he waved it in front of him as if casting a spell on his apprentice. Standing up, Kylo slipped his helmet on and nodded to his Master before walking out towards the hallways again.
It had been a short meeting, but it was long enough to leave an impact.
His feet took him where he needed to go before his mind even knew what was going on. It felt like he was in a daze. In a dream.
They took him to the Control Center where he started barking off orders inside scaring everyone shitless. Hux took one look at Kylo, rolled his eyes, and went straight into his office not willing to argue.
Kylo spent hours in there looking over plans. Figuring out what the next move was. The scavenger girl was still training on some remote unknown planet with his Uncle. But they had managed to track down the Resistance ships. Luckily, their measly ships were running out of fuel, and quickly. Meaning they would soon fall into the hands of Snoke.
There was a constant nagging feeling in the back of Kylo's head telling him he needed to go talk to you. He wouldn't be able to sleep without doing it. Without doing what he was ordered to do.
It was like an itch he couldn't scratch, but he was avoiding it at all costs knowing it would only bring destruction.
Finally, he caved and allowed the familiar daze to take over his body and lead him to your room. The hatch flew open and he saw your small figure still lying on the bed. So small. So delicate.
It felt like his body was already breaking in two. He sat on the edge of the bed staring at you. Wishing he could reach out and touch you.
The daze fully settled over as you began to wake up. What happened next, Kylo wasn't quite sure, but he knew it was bad.
There was yelling. From the both of you. Harsh noises rang throughout the air.
Before he knew what was going on, his body was in the hallway and walking towards his room. He couldn't see or think clearly until he was safely locked away in his room.
In there, he let his emotions take over. Everything that had just happened washed over him. The hurt. The betrayal. The heartbreak.
It already hurt too much.
Taking out his saber, he did was he did best, and destroyed everything in his room.
The days following were miserable. It was for the best. Kylo knew you were safer now. Away from harm. Away from him.
Didn't mean the hurt he felt from within him went away.
He had nightmares every night. Every night like clockwork. And he had no one there to comfort him. The only thing that brought him comfort was seeing you.
He would stand outside the training room as you trained. Watching you improve. Watching you heal and get better; both mentally and physically. He'd watch you perform surgery after surgery and gain confidence in the medbay. Gain respect for yourself.
It brought him a sense of peace, even if he was still hurting. It felt a little less painful knowing you were okay.
Well, sort of okay.
Each day was easier and yet they were incredibly difficult at the same time. Knowing you weren't his anymore. Knowing he had hurt you. Knowing he had caused you all of this pain.
But he needed to talk to you. He wanted to see your face up close.
So, when he finally got the chance to, he took it.
---
"Shut the fuck up, he said what?"
You closed your eyes taking another deep breath in trying to calm your nerves. Opening your eyes again, you stared at Madison and bit your lip anxiously.
"He was acting super weird. I don't know what happened to make him act like that-"
Madison scrunched her eyebrows together in thought, "Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?"
A chuckle left you as you nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure. I haven't seen him in a while, so maybe that's why he's changed."
After your unexpected panic attack, you had felt relatively calm. Jonah had somehow known exactly what to say and do to bring you down from that edge. It felt extremely reassuring knowing that you could trust him.
Well, sort of.
You weren't about to go and blab about all of your secrets to him just because he knows how to calm you down. It didn't make the two of you friends.
With all of the shit you had gone through, you didn't really feel like you could trust anyone. Anyone except for Madison and Max. And maybe Doc.
Especially since Kylo had decided to take your heart straight out of your chest and stomp on it.
Once you had left Jonah's, you had walked through the hallways determined to get straight to Madison and tell her about what had happened. Instead, you had run into someone you definitely didn't want to see.
"Okay, okay, okay. Start over, I'm very confused with what is going on," Madison said holding her hands up in front of her face making you slow down your rambling. "So, you went to go see Jonah, and-"
"Just to talk with him."
Her eyebrows arched in suspicion, "Why don't I believe you?"
You whined in frustration, "I'm telling you; nothing is going on with Jonah. He's like 15 years older than me. He's more like an older brother to me."
"Age is just a number."
Your eyes rolled, "Do you want to know what happened? Or are you going to keep interrupting me?"
Madison shook her head, "No, sorry. Keep going."
"Okay, so I had a panic attack when I was talking to Jonah and he calmed me down. And then when I was leaving-"
"How did he calm you down?"
"Madison, I swear to the gods-"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she said quickly. "Keep going."
You adjusted your crossed legs on the couch before saying, "When I was leaving, I turned around the corner and that's when I saw him. He was just standing there, almost like he was waiting for me."
"What did he say?" she asked scooting closer to you.
"He just asked if we could talk."
"That's it? You haven't seen him in-"
You held up a hand, "I know. But I felt bad. I did completely ditch him that one night. And then I sent him straight to the friendzone."
"You shouldn't feel guilty for that," Madison replied grabbing your hand and squeezing it reassuringly. "He's is a good guy, but he's just not the one for you."
Your mouth hung open in shock, "You're the one who is always trying to set me up with him again."
"I just want you to be happy. I thought maybe he would help you be happy," she said with a slight shrug. "I wasn't trying to pressure you."
"It's okay," you said with a small smile. "Well, anyways. Zed asked me if we could talk, and I just sort of nodded because I didn't know what to say. I also wasn't really in the mood to talk to him, with everything that had just happened, but again, I felt bad."
This made Madison roll her eyes at you but let you keep talking. You sighed and looked around the room quickly. It was dimly lit and your empty plates from dinner sat on the table next to the couch you were sitting on. Your hair was still damp from the shower you had taken after walking back to your room.
"He asked if we could hang out again. Like one on one."
She nodded slowly, "And?"
"I felt guilty..."
"So, you said yes?" she asked hesitantly. "Why would you do that if you don't like him?"
"I told him I'd think about it. I feel like he still has feelings for me. But I'm not in the right headspace for anything to start," you said running your hands along the seam of the pillow you were holding in your lap. "I don't want to lead him on."
Madison paused and looked at you wearily before saying quietly, "Because you still have feelings for Commander Ren, right?"
Hearing his name felt like getting stabbed in the chest.
Of course, you still had feelings for him, how could you not?
"Yes," you said softly staring down at your fidgeting hands. "I don't know if I'll ever not have feelings for him."
"Time can heal many wounds," Madison replied moving even closer to you. She wrapped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you in towards her, "You should take all the time you need."
You gave her a soft smile and suggested heading to bed soon. After the day you had, you were definitely ready to get some sleep.
The next days to follow were pretty much the same. You avoided thinking about Zed and his request to hang out with you.
As nice and cute as he was, you weren't ready for anything.
In the moment when he asked you, guilt had taken over and you hadn't said yes, but you also hadn't said no. It was eating you up on the inside because you knew you really didn't want to see him. You were too focused on yourself right now.
You wanted to try and love yourself for who you were before diving back into something that would make you question your self-worth again.
Because fuck boys. Fuck them and their whiny indecisiveness.
They were not worth your time or energy.
Another week passed by and you were getting antsy being stuck on the Finalizer. You were itching to go on another mission, but you still had your damn cast on. After you had made the dumb mistake to not wear it on your last mission, Elliot had to refit you with a new one since you fucked it up again.
Finally, he was letting you take it off. Although he hadn't said anything specifically about it, you knew he hadn't recommended for you to go on any missions until you were fully healed.
Once you got it off for good, you felt like a brand-new person. It felt so freeing.
Your training with Jonah had only gotten more intense now that you had complete range of motion of your body. He was pushing you beyond your limits, but you were definitely improving.
You were fully trained on each and every weapon that was available to you and it made you feel like a badass. If someone would have told you a year ago that you would be fully trained to assassinate someone, you would have laughed in their face.
And look at where you were now.
The training sessions always ended with Jonah helping you with meditation techniques and helping you clear your mind. It was much more difficult than you had thought it would be. But you pushed through in hopes that you'd be able to use it if you saw him.
Captain Phasma had requested you to begin training with the other medic troopers and with the entire squadron. That was a big adjustment. Working and learning from Jonah was one thing but being in a huge group was another.
It didn't help that the group was mostly men.
Ew.
You tried not to feel intimidated by them because you knew you were well qualified to be there. But it was still difficult.
You woke up one morning to a notification on your datapad notifying you about a briefing for an upcoming mission. Excitement coursed through your body as you quickly scanned over it.
The mission would consist of three shuttles transporting troopers. You'd be spending the entirety of the day training with them and making sure everyone was prepared before the departure tonight.
Squealing, you ran to your dresser to grab clothing for training. You slipped them on just as Madison was walking out from taking a shower. She had a towel wrapped around her body and one wrapped up in her hair.
"You look excited," she said as she made her way towards her clothing. "What's up with you?"
"I'm going on a mission tonight!" you practically yelled as you adjusted your clothing.
"Tonight?"
You nodded as you pulled your hair up and out of your face, "Yeah. We're taking three shuttles. I'm so fucking ready to be off of this damn ship."
She gave you a sad smile as she started pulling on her scrubs.
"Oh, I didn't mean it like that..." you said softly giving her a look of pity.
"It's okay, I know you didn't," she said with a smile as she undid her wet hair from its confinements. "I've been here so long; I don't even remember what it's like to not be here."
You frowned, "Doesn't that make you sad?"
She shrugged as she moved to throw her wet towel in the bin, "It's all I've known while working for the First Order. I'm safe here, so I can't really complain."
"Madison-" you started saying before she cut you off.
"It's okay, really. I'm happy for you," she said with a big smile. "Now get moving, otherwise you're going to be late."
"Okay, I'll see you later."
She nodded as you pulled on your shoes and left to go into the hallway. There were people moving around already and you walked quickly to get to the training rooms. You hadn't been in one of the bigger rooms in a while since most of the training with your squadron had been in smaller groups.
Pushing open the doors, you were already taken aback by all of the people in there. Looking around nervously, you spotted some of the other trooper medics and you made your way over to them. Giving them a bright smile, you hoped you could train with them.
They all stared at you before getting back to their trainings and completely ignoring you. Rolling your eyes, you walked over to a table with blasters on it trying to not get butthurt over their actions.
The room was incredibly loud with all of the fighting, talking, and weapons going off. Picking up a blaster, you walked over to the line of targets. A long stripe along the floor was filled with troopers practicing with their blasters shooting at their own targets.
Most of them weren't very good at aiming for the center.
What the hell were they shooting at then?
The gave you a bit of an ego boost as you relaxed your shoulders and held the blaster up remembering your form. You could feel eyes on you from surrounding troopers. They were probably wondering what the hell you were doing.
Everyone around you had now stopped what they were doing to watch.
What was so fascinating about you that they had to stop what they were doing?
You could feel a slight blush creeping up on your cheeks and you tried to ignore their wandering eyes. Taking a deep breath in, you gripped the blaster tightly and pointed it directly towards the center of the target.
Jonah's words echoed through your head about staying calm and relaxed. Words about the weapon being an extension of your body and using that to your advantage.
Pulling the trigger, the blaster shot, and you watched as it landed towards the center of the target.
Okay, not your best. But not the worst.
You could hear a few snickers from those around you, but you chose to ignore them.
Taking another breath in, you aimed and fired again. This time the blast was even closer to the center. Confidence soaring, you did it again over and over until each shot was directly in the center of the target.
Feeling satisfied, you walked away from the targets to find a new weapon to train with.
Eyes followed you no matter where you went, but you simply ignored them and got to work.
By the end of the day, you were exhausted. Phasma had come in to let everyone know that you'd need to eat and dress quickly since the mission would be leaving sooner than planned.
You groaned since you were hoping to take a nap before leaving. Oh well.
Running back to your room, you took the quickest shower you could manage and got suited up in your trooper uniform. Madison practically forced you to eat even though you were feeling nervous and really didn't want to eat.
Shoveling the food in, you quickly said your goodbyes and headed to the medbay. Walking in, you moved straight towards your supply bag and picked it up in a hurry not wanting to be late.
"Babes?"
You turned around quickly and saw Max sitting there with his legs crossed as Elliot typed away at his desk.
"Max," you said in a relieved breath.
You hadn't seen him in a bit with how busy you had been. To be fair, he also had his hands full. Literally.
He got up and moved towards you to give you a hug, "You're leaving now? I heard it wasn't until later."
"It got moved up," you said hugging him back. "I need to leave soon."
"Woah," he said with a chuckle. "Your voice sounds so different with the helmet on."
You laughed, "Yeah, that's like the whole point."
"Alright sassy lady, get moving. I'll see you soon."
"Bye, love you."
He smiled even bigger, "Love you more."
You waved quickly as you started running down the hallway holding your supply bag tightly in your gloved hand.
The bay was filled with troopers. Swarms of them. This mission must be super important then. You had read the briefing but didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Clearly you hadn't read the entire thing and everyone who would be on the mission. Because there, standing with Captain Phasma and General Hux, was the man you had been avoiding.
You inhaled sharply and gripped your supplies bag tighter as you walked towards the huddles of white uniforms. Even with your helmet, you just knew he could sense you were near.
Seeing him standing there, in his full uniform and helmet, had caught you so off guard that you didn't have time to go through your breathing exercises that Jonah had taught you.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
That meant he could still read your mind. And you really wished you could block him off from doing that.
Your feet took you towards the outskirts of the group and you stood there awkwardly waiting for instruction. The shuttles should be leaving soon, you just needed to avoid him until then.
Trying to settle your breathing, you rolled your shoulders back in an attempt to relax your body. The stormtroopers around you had started moving towards the three docked shuttles further into the bay. You weren't prepared for their shift in movement and almost lost your footing trying to keep up with the crowd.
Without realizing it, you bumped into a solid statue in front of you. Quickly looking up to apologize, you saw the blackness and stayed silent.
Well, so much for avoiding him.
You swallowed your pride and looked at him with a tight nod, "Ren."
He seemed taken aback at you saying anything, and simply nodded back, "Red."
Your heart instantly fluttered at him saying your nickname, but you pushed the feeling down quickly and looked away from him.
Blank thoughts, blank thoughts. Clear your mind. Breathe in, breathe out.
Don't let him break you.
Kylo seemed to stiffen but you didn't turn to look at him. This was good right? This means you blocked him out, right? There was no way for you to know for sure without asking him. Which you definitely wouldn't be doing.
There were yells surrounding you ordering you to begin boarding the ship. You looked towards Phasma listening in closely for which shuttle you would be going on all while keeping your mind empty.
Damn, this was difficult.
"Medics, shuttle 3," you heard her loud mechanic voice yell into the air.
You nodded towards the voice and followed the other troopers in the medical uniforms towards your assigned shuttle. Marching in place with those surrounding, you filed on and took your place. Standing tall, you looked directly ahead and avoided looking for Kylo.
Okay, that was a lie.
Glancing around without moving your head, you scanned the bay to see if he had gotten on a shuttle yet. Just as you did, you saw a swarm of black fabric begin to walk up the ramp.
You groaned seeing him start to approach you. Nerves were bubbling over and you fought hard to ignore the pit in your stomach as you kept your mind clear. He stalked past you and went towards the back to stand next to the other Generals. A short pause of relief flooded over you now that you couldn't see him.
Even without seeing his face, it was painful to be near him. It had been over 6 weeks now, but it hurt like he had just left you yesterday.
Probably because you hadn't gotten any closure.
The shuttle began to rumble to life as and you tried hard to stay still. Closing your eyes, you tried to ignore everything you were thinking of and focus on the mission at hand.
Fuck.
Now you couldn't even remember what was supposed to happen on this mission.
The entire time it took for the shuttle to travel through the galaxy, you were wracking your brain trying to remember what the hell your job was. Maybe you could just follow the people around you, and you'd be fine? Yeah sure, let's go with that.
Looking out of the small window nearby, you saw swirls of bright colors as the shuttle started to descend. Taking deep breaths, you reached down and grabbed your supply bag as the ship began to shake as it docked on the ground.
The ramp started to lower, and troopers started filing out. You followed their lead and were quickly on the ground looking around you. Before you even had time to adjust to the brightness of your surroundings, you felt a yank on your arm.
Whipping your head around, you saw Kylo standing behind you gripping on to you.
Troopers continued moving out of the shuttle and they simply walked around the two of you standing there.
"Let go of me," you snarled at him trying to release his grip on you.
"No."
"Stop this. I need to go."
His grip slightly loosened, "Stay with me."
Uh, what.
"No."
"That wasn't a suggestion, it was an order."
You rolled your eyes even though he couldn't see you, "What the fuck does that even mean?"
"Stay by my side."
"What?" you asked in bewilderment.
"Stay by me for this mission."
You scoffed in disgust. That was the last thing you wanted to do.
How dare he waltz in here and act like everything between the two of you was fine? Your heart was telling you to give in. Give in and forgive him. But your mind knew better and it was saying to stay the hell away from him.
Growling at him, you spat, "And why the hell would I do that?"
"So that I can keep you safe."
"I don't need you. I don't need anyone," you hissed trying to free yourself. "Leave me the fuck alone."
He pulled your body towards him and you gasped at his urgency. You could hear his staggered breathing from his helmet as he held you close to him.
No one else around you seemed to be paying any attention to what was happening. You tried to pull yourself free again but had no luck.
"Kylo, let me go."
"No."
"Why are you being like this?" you asked him with a whine.
"Because I can't lose you again."
Before you had the chance to react to his words, a thundering explosion went off near the two of you sending you flying through the air.
(Hi friends- hope you all are doing well. Thanks for over 65k views, y'all are amazing. So, I've decided to not make a sequel to this, and instead make this fic longer. Thanks for your feedback on that btw. But don't worry, I have lots of ideas for other fics to write. I love y'all and thanks again for being wonderful 🖤)