Twenty
Song Selection:
'Memories Fade' Tears for Fears
'Aviation' The Last Shadow Puppets
'It's Hard To Get Around The Wind' Alex Turner
'Blue Monday' New Order
'A special form of misery had begun to oppress him of late. There was nothing poignant, nothing acute about it; but there was a feeling of permanence, of eternity about it; it brought a foretaste of hopeless years of this cold leaden misery, a foretaste of an eternity on a square yard of space.'
Niall walked into the house and heard everyone in one of the living rooms, laughing while he seethed with anger. He went straight up the stairs and marched straight to the room he was staying in. It was at the end of the hallway and a few doors away from Roisin's bedroom.
He slammed the door shut and took off his jumper. Then, he made himself comfortable in the rocking chair. That bloke was in love with her. Of course he was... Who's not interested in Roisin? She was a goddess who was taken advantage of and had her spirit broken by several men...including Niall himself.
A tiny part of him wished he'd never met her and that way, maybe she would be happy with either Jonas or Senan. But what about Liam? What would he have done? Would he still have attempted to rape her...or would have he succeeded?
He no longer wanted to think about that. He needed to do something and in anger, he broke the chair. He stood up and yelled as he knocked it over. Meanwhile, Roisin and Senan came back from the graveyard.
'Hey, did you want to join everyone,' Senan asked and Roisin shook her head.
'No, thanks. I'm actually kinda tired from all the crying, so I'm gonna go to bed.' He nodded with a weak smile. 'Senan, I really am sorry about your mam. I didn't—'
'It's okay, Ro. You didn't know she was suffering during your divorce, just like I didn't know what really happened with you and Conor. We both have our misunderstandings and I forgive you. Now, get some rest, because we have a whole day together, remember?'
'Oh, that's tomorrow,' Roisin asked playfully.
'Yeah, I asked your father about having the whole day off and he asked if it was about you. I said yes and he said he was willing to pay me for driving you around as long as I kept you safe.' They both laughed and hugged. 'Well, goodnight, Rosy.' He walked into the living room as she walked upstairs.
She was about to open her door when she heard a crash from the end of the hallway and quickly walked down to check it out. When she got to the door, she knocked and heard a muffled 'come in'. She opened the door to see Niall and her grandmother's rocking chair destroyed, because of course they would make him say in Rosaleen's bedroom.
'I hope that was an accident,' she said stoically and Niall turned his head to her.
'Part of it was,' he muttered. She closed the door behind her.
'Only part of it?' She found it hard to believe that her grandmother's rocking chair in her old bedroom wasn't destroyed because he pushed it over out of anger. 'I know you were following Senan and I, but I didn't make a deal out of it and I'll do you a favour by telling my dad you didn't purposely destroy his mother's rocking chair.'
'It was an accident, alright!? I sat in it and as I thought about what you said to him outside, it pissed me off. I didn't realise it was fragile and I accidentally broke it. I stood up and knocked it over in frustration. I hadn't realised what I had done until I calmed down and I really didn't mean to destroy it. How much does it cost?'
'It's an antique, so a lot,' she sighed. 'And exactly what part of the conversation that you were eavesdropping on, made you this angry?' Her face was still stoic and her voice monotonous. He became frustrated at her tone of voice and the emotionless face. Her coldness towards him...even though he knew he deserved it.
'Why didn't you tell me you had a restraining order against Conor? I could've called the cops or something.' She dryly laughed.
'Please, you wouldn't even listen to a word I said about how I got his last name. What makes you think you were going to listen to me if I told you I had a restraining order against him?' She explained in a venomous tone and he looked down in shame. 'What else made you mad? Was it Senan's proclamation of love?' She was taunting him now and it only angered him more. 'Or was it the fact that we were together...alone.'
She smirked, but was caught off guard by what he did next. He marched up to her and pushed her up against the door. He looked into her looming green eyes. The eyes he loved when they would darken with desire for him. The eyes that were green as the fields of Ireland. He looked down at her strawberry lips that gasped at his actions. The same ones he wanted to kiss so badly. Then, he looked back to her eyes.
'You are starting to sound like Amanda, you know that? You've been manipulative and teasing just like her. Why are you doing it? Is this revenge? Is it my punishment, huh?' He looked at the now upset eyes of Roisin. 'I'm not a toy and neither are you.'
'Then, why treat me like one,' she asked as they kept eye contact. 'I thought you were so different from the other men, but you just kept going back and forth with me. Now, you're here and I don't want you here, because it's too painful. You don't want me. Nobody truly wants me. Once you got what you wanted, you went straight back to her.
'You seduced me with your charms,' she cried. 'And wanted me to believe you loved me when it was all a fucking lie! You broke me worse than Liam ever did, because I still love you!' Tears were a never ending stream down her face. 'When I thought we finally had a chance together, you dumped me and said we needed to grow up romantically. I mean, where did that come from?'
Niall's grip loosened and he backed away. This was all worse than before. It was true, he broke her. The idea her mother gave him may've been a horrible idea after all.
'My love for you isn't a lie. I do love you. I told you we needed to grow up romantically, because I'm turdy, but I'm still acting like I'm twenty. I don't know what I want or at least it seems that way. I wanted to put distance between us because of all the shit that's happened.
'Distance makes the heart grow fonder doesn't it? I wanted to test our love and I do want you. Hell, it seems like every man wants you and it kills me inside. I'm still in love with you, but I can't be with you right now.' Roisin shook her head and stepped forward. He closed his eyes
'That doesn't make sense. If you love me, be with me! I need you, Niall.' She reached her hand up to caress his face. 'I can't be alone and the logic is right. Just come with me or kiss me! Make love to me! Anything!' He sighed and opened his eyes to her vulnerable ones.
'I can't, Roisin. I'm sorry.' She removed her hand and slapped him. His head stayed in its place as a tear ran down his cheek.
'I fucking hate you,' she screamed and left, slamming the door behind her. He sighed yet again. He was doing this for their own good and she needed to understand this.
—
The rocking chair, as promised, was taken care of, but Roisin and Senan were nowhere to be found. He sighed and sat in the chair at the table in the kitchen as Laoise made some breakfast.
'What's the matter, Niall?'
'I'm an eejit and your daughter is mad at me, because she thinks I never loved her. I took your advice, so we're not together anymore and as a result she thinks everything between us was a lie.' She sighed as she finished up with the eggs. Then, she went and sat across from Niall.
'Look, Niall, my daughter was somewhat spoiled materialistically, but not emotionally. She never received much love from her father, grandmother, or the rest of her family. I tried my best to give her love and Cian, our former driver, gave her emotional support and love.
'She never had many friends either other than Senan. I wanted her to bloom in university, but her guarded layers have prevented her from doing so. Yes, she has made a few friends and has honour level grades, but I wanted her to make university the time of her life.
'She needs time. That was the whole purpose of the suggestion. She can't continue after the toxicity of what has happened. She will burn herself out and get paranoid. I care about my daughter and I won't be here forever. So, just be patient with her. I'm sure you love her, but she needs time and to concentrate on her schoolwork.
'That's the reason why her father told me not to tell her about Cian's death, because he knew she'll want to take time away from school. He knew she would fly here to see his funeral and he wanted her to concentrate on school. I had to take care of Liam on his behalf, because if he had flown to the university, he would've killed the boy.
'He almost had a heart attack when he found out what happened. He loves his daughter, but he doesn't show it anymore for some reason. I never know what's going on in Russell's head, but he's the reason she's majoring in philosophy.' She smiled. 'Just leave her alone. She will calm down and besides, you have a whole week. At Christmas, you'll meet her relatives and how eccentric they are. For some reason, he decided to invite them and make amends after Rosaleen ruined everything.' Niall thought about it.
'Laoise,' he asked. She hummed. 'Can you tell me about Rosaleen and why Roisin hates her so much?'
'Well...'
—
Roisin's laughter filled the space her and Senan shared as they ate lunch. It was midday and she had shopped for some presents, but still found it hard to find something for Niall. Yes, she still hated him, but it's still Christmas and everyone deserves something. It's the thought that counts and she still thinks of him.
She can't help that her heart beats fast around his presence and she hates how she feels around him despite how he's treated her. Why couldn't she go for someone like Senan? But, she couldn't use him. She couldn't lead him on. She wasn't Amanda.
'So, Roisin, what did you get for me,' Senan asked bringing her back to reality. She smiled and hummed.
'M'not telling, it's a surprise. But I'm finding it hard to find a gift for Niall.' Senan's grin turned into a frown.
'Ro, did you and him have something together? Like is he...your ex or something,' he nervously asked and she just blinked. 'It's just that,' he sighed. 'Last night, your mam asked me to see if you were still asleep, because she wanted to ask you something and then, I heard some arguing from Niall's room.
'I heard him say that he still loves you and you saying if he did he should kiss you or...I'm confused. I thought you said...why would you be with a professor? How old is he? Did he take advantage of you?' Roisin paled and looked at the empty plate in front of her. These were the questions she wanted to avoid. All the assumptions.
'You asked if there were American men...you didn't say Irish or British. Yes, Niall is my ex and no, he didn't take advantage of me. He was my best friend's professor and not mine. He's a graduate student getting his doctorate.' She took a deep shaky breath and looked up at Senan. 'He's turdy years old and I'm still in love with him. While in America, I was also almost raped by a British man named Liam and Niall saved me.
'Please don't make any assumptions. I'm sorry, Senan for not telling you, but I've just been going through some things from back in America that I'd rather not discuss.' He sighed.
'Roisin, I'm your friend and again, I know I haven't been a good one, but I'm here for you. I don't want anyone to hurt you. You can tell me anything and there will be no judgement on my part. I love you, I do, but my friendship with you is more important than my feelings for you.
'If I can only have you as a friend, then that's fine with me.' He smiled. 'Besides, there's an age difference between your mam and dad.' He chuckled. 'Now, let's figure out what to get for Niall. What are his interests?'
—
As Christmas Day was approaching, Roisin was getting nervous because of the present she picked out for Niall under the tree, burning in her mind, but also her relatives whom she hadn't seen in years. They were very eccentric and somewhat embarrassing. Which probably explained why her grandmother banned them from Christmas dinner.
She'd only invited her friends who just treated Roisin poorly. It was like the stepmother and her stepdaughters situation from Cinderella...except it was her grandmother and her friends. She hated them and her mother had to constantly defend her.
Roisin knew the day after tomorrow would be Christmas Day and the arrival of her relatives. Her mother's side were more eccentric and crazy than her father's side, but yet sane and reasonable. While her father's side was more religious and strict, but his only relatives were his brother and two sisters.
Niall's family stayed here, at her house while her family were going to stay in an hotel. Because even if Niall's family wasn't here, there would be barely any room for both families. Her mam had a big family, considering her parents were both still alive.
Niall had kept his distance since the argument they had that night. He would actively avoid her just like she did the day she arrived. He had also bought her a present, but he was debating whether he should keep it under the tree or not. So far, she has five presents and he didn't really question the fifth one, but he did find it weird that it didn't say who it was from.
He had four presents including one from Roisin which surprised him. Their last conversation didn't end well and she told him that she hated him. That moment has replayed in his mind every single day since then, haunting him even in his dreams.
He loves her so much, so why does it have to be so hard? He wanted to do everything she asked right then and there. To kiss her, make love to her...every fucking thing he wanted since he had the chance to do so. But messed it up on some stupid jealousy shit and then, took her mam's advice.
But at the same time, this was the right thing to do. He has to know what he wants. He can't do that here or at the university where she is, because he needs space and not influence. Just seeing her drives him crazy and he has no control over his actions. But now, he needs it, he needs that control back.
The control he had way before Amanda came into the picture and maybe it's a therapy thing. To escape the mental abuse and manipulation she had over him. He needs to get past that before he could even be with someone else. But he won't admit that to her...his pride won't let him.
That still didn't stop him from masturbating to all the moments he and Roisin shared. The way he made her come and the way she tasted. It was heaven to him, because she was his goddess after all.
Roisin was looking for Niall as her mam wanted to see him for some reason. Her mam was a psychologist for a living and Roisin thinks that Niall is seeing her mam for appointments. She spotted a crack at the door and some moaning...particularly her name.
She walked up and peeked through the opening of the doorway...and noticed Niall on his bed, with his pants down. He was stroking his cock and it turned her on. She wanted to walk away and pretend she didn't see a thing, but she couldn't move. Her body and desire wouldn't let her.
'Fuck, Roisin, just like that,' he moaned. He's thinking of me? Of course he was. She would be all he ever wanted. She never really saw his dick from that angle before. How the veins pop and how his pre-come leaked from his mushroom head.
She couldn't help the moistness that formed in the folds of her sex. Her clit ached to be touched. He stroked faster about to come to his climax and she whimpered. But he couldn't hear over his loud moan as he finally came all over his stomach.
She could sense he was about to see that she'd watched him, so she quickly pulled away and backed against the wall, behind the door. Niall quickly cleaned up and she hesitantly knocked.
'Yeah,' he replied. His voice was hoarse and gruff which made her nipples perk. Why did she do this to herself?
'Um, m-my mam said s-she wanted t-to talk t-to you,' she stuttered as he pulled his jeans back up and slipped his shoes on. She was about to move from her spot when she heard him close the door, but was yet pushed up against the wall, again. He smirked at her nervousness and flushed face.
'Did you enjoy the show?' He figured it was his turn. 'Hmm?' His head dipped to her neck and her lips caressed her ear. 'Did you miss my cock inside this body of yours? Do you miss what my mouth does to your pussy?' She held back a moan. He observed how her nipples peaked through her bra. 'Is little Rosy turned on?'
'Stop it!' She pushed him away. 'Stay the hell away from me. I fucking hate you!' He let out a sarcastic laugh.
'Your body says different, petal.' He slipped past her with a smirk and walked downstairs.