Chapter 8-
"So I was thinking, maybe we could ditch Noa's party this Saturday and go to Karen's instead. Why? Because Luke is going to be there, that's why! You know I have a thing for someone like him!"
"London could you quiet down? I'm trying to do my homework," I whispered as I looked over to where she was sitting from the living room. I had homework laid out on the table as I was trying to solve Mr.Martin's homework question since I got home from work around nine thirty.
I was tired and she was not helping at all.
It was a Thursday night and it didn't help that I still had so much due the next day as well.
She glared at me as she took her cell phone away from her ears and covered it with her newly painted red nails.
"Well go to your room and do it there. I was here first," she growled before going back to her conversation.
It's been a few days since London came home after her long absence and she's been more...annoying than ever.
She has started this trend where she would come home for a few days (or a few hours) and then never resurface for a few days. The only time I know if she's alive or not was based solely on her text messages and that was it. Other than that, the house was empty with only me being there at night.
I haven't even seen her do any homework since school started and it was already mid October to begin with as well. More specifically, it's already October 14th and she still has not started any studying to prep with the upcoming tests she would have to do to graduate and get accepted for a good college as well.
Mom hasn't been much help either since she's barely home as well now.
London sat next to me, her hair was curled and it look like she just went out of a salon. She was wearing a pink tank top that showed way too much even though she's at home with me along with her white shorts. Unlike me, who was in sweatpants and hoodie, she actually looked like she's going to some fancy sleep over party.
I sighed in annoyance before I do what she suggested.
I'm not in the mood to argue with her.
How I wish my old younger sister would come back already. I missed her watching scary movies with me at night and we would gossip until late at night together. I missed her baking cookies and asking me to eat it with her in the middle of the night so we would get fat together.
I didn't know who this stranger was in front of me.
This London was different.
She was mean, she was bossy, she dressed...different.
She always had to win every argument with me as well.
I dumped my books and notebooks into my bag and make my way to my room. When I got inside my room I was greeted with silence.
Finally, some peace and quiet.
I looked at the clock on my wall.
I couldn't believe it's almost ten and I still was stuck on the first question of my homework for about an half an hour already.
People told me that senior year is easy...
I could say otherwise.
I opened the window and stuck my head out as I took a deep breath while looking up at the sky. It was a bit gloomy so I was disappointed when I couldn't see the stars at all. Although I could see the moon, that was it.
I took a few more deep breath before laying my books out on the table and decided to study instead of doing homework as I would just ask for help from someone in the morning before class started.
After about two hours trying to study for my physics test which was tomorrow, I gave up at almost midnight. I threw my bag to the ground in frustration and make up my mind to study later. Hell, I might as well not even go to school tomorrow since it's Friday, and just take the test on Monday after studying some more.
After the whole "Phantom of the Opera" idea, Abigail praised me in excitement before going to make plans on how this idea would all play out but I couldn't take all the credit either since the one who made the idea was Calvin's idea.
Now, Abigail is expected me to think of a huge theme for the Thanksgiving's banquet as well that would be here in a month or so.
Currently, I haven't even thought or brainstorm about the Thanksgiving banquet idea yet.
I was just thinking about if I should skip school tomorrow instead.
But that's not what the old Reina would do.
Groaning, I threw it myself, onto the bed and began to study there to the best of my ability before going to sleep.
But that didn't work because I didn't notice I fell asleep until someone knocked on my door, jolting me up from my bed.
"Reina I'm going out. Don't wait up for me though."
"What?" I opened the door to see her dressed and ready. I am disgusted by what she was wearing, a short skirt in the middle of the night and a bright pink crop top. It didn't make it any better that she is wearing her three inch heels that make her look twenty years old rather then sixteen.
"I said I'm going out."
"It's two in the morning.. You're not going anywhere at this time. And you're certainly not going to any party with that outfit. It's like 50 degrees outside. Put on a sweater or something," I said.
"Chill out. One of my friends are driving me and I cannot miss this party so I'm going, and you're not going to stop me," she crossed her arms.
"No you're not. I'm going to tell mom if you're even take one step out the front door."
She snorted at my threat.
"Yeah I highly doubt mom would care. Not to mention that even if you call her, she doesn't even pick up her phone half the time. Stop being such a bitch and let me go. Just because I have friends and you don't, doesn't mean you can take your anger out on me."
I glared at her.
It's like a vicious cycle.
Once mom left to work more, she reverted back to being a bitch who doesn't care about anyone but herself.
"Why don't you stop being a bitch?" I retorted.
"Cause you're making me act like one. I'm going. You can try to stop me, but I've made up my mind. Don't call me," with that she slammed my door shut in front of my face. I shook my head in defeat and fell back onto the bed.
There is no point in trying anymore. London's been doing this since dad left, and I don't think she'll listen to anyone but him.
Maybe she would listen to mom but she isn't even here right now.
I slowly reached under my bed until I find what I am looking for.
My best friend.
My razor.
I always had one in the bathroom, in my room and in my bed just in case anything happened triggers or I don't feel good.
And right now I was feeling terrible.
I drew a small breath, and let the razor sink into my skin once more.
The pain in my heart slowly subsides with each cut I made on my arms.
After a while I forget about my pain, and all I can focus on is how bloody my arm looked. It seemed that with every cut I need to cut deeper to forget.
I wondered if I go to sleep now, will I be dead by morning?
I wish.
Lately I've been cutting more and more and more. I was running out of space in my arm anymore and resorted to cutting on my legs if I was feeling worse and the pain in my heart won't subdue.
It didn't make it any better that the nightmares were getting worse after I saw Calvin in pain.
But why?
I wondered if Calvin ever felt the need to cut?
Or shoot himself?
He always wore short sleeves so I knew he didn't cut himself but did he ever feel so hopeless that he wanted to die?
Was he a victim like me?
Why was someone who seem to have everything have so much pain?
What was he hiding?
That was the last thing I questioned before knocking out.
--- --- ---
The next morning, I woke up and laid in bed motionless as I stared at the clock.
Nine thirty.
The heavy blankets that I had tangled around my legs along with the pillows scattered all over the mattress and floor meant that I didn't have a good night's sleep...again.
It was Friday which meant that Joshua wouldn't have been able to pick me up to go to school anyways hence why I was glad it was Friday. Usually on Fridays Joshua refuses to drive to school because he claimed that driving to school on Fridays is the worse since there is a lot of traffic. The only time that Joshua does drive me and everyone else is if we specifically plan weeks in advance for him to drive us.
I would have gotten up and gone to school, but what was the point?
In less then four hours, I'll be on my way home anyways.
I chuckled to myself, knowing this is the first time in my life that I've ever skipped school. I'm such a rebellious person.
I slowly pushed my way up from the bed and looked at the sheets in horror.
Damn.
I needed to get rid of these blood stained sheets and get new sheets as soon as possible.
If I have died from bleeding to death last night then I didn't need to worry that.
Why does God have to be so cruel?
Have I not suffer enough?
I looked at the calendar. It has been exactly four months since that happened in June and I yet I still felt like it happened just yesterday.
I forced myself to look away from the calendar and rolled onto the other side of the bed so I was facing the window, pulling the bloody pillow to my chest for some comfort.
I would never admit it, but I missed dad just as much as London does.
The way he woke me up with the smell of coffee, the way he laughed when I complained about school, and the way he used to call London and me his life. If I looked at him, I would see him smile sadly and apologize over and over again.
The last thing he said to me was 'sorry'.
But sorry could never heal the wound he caused when he left.
I pushed back the memory so I wouldn't cry, but I didn't.
What is the point?
I would be better off if I just died, ending my sorrow.
It's not like my existence means much anyways. Maybe Joshua and Megan will miss me, but they'll get over it. My mom won't miss me, and London would actually be happy if I were gone. Then she could throw parties whenever she wanted.
What about Calvin?
I pushed the thought of him away and dragged myself into the bathroom.
I looked at the scars and myself in the mirror.
They look as if I threw myself onto a pile of needles. Inhaling a shaky breath, I closed my eyes again as I took out another razor that I hid in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom as I slide down onto the floor. I leaned back against the hard white while while letting the blade drag onto my skin once more. I gritted my teeth in pain but I didn't stop as I created another mark, one after another as I embraced the color of red and the silence around me.
Afterwards, I stared at it in silence as my mind went blank.
Maybe I could just bleed to death all over the floor.
Suddenly, I remembered that inside the medicine cabinet was the sleeping pills mom prescribed to me when I was having night terrors.
I never really took them but this time, I wanted to take them all at once.
I didn't care right now.
I opened the medicine cabinet where the sleeping pills are.
Thirty pills in total.
I could end it here...all at once.
I would fall asleep, and never wake up.
I stared at them numbly. I could end everything in a matter of seconds. I poured a few into my hands. If I ingest all of them at once then that's the end of that. I don't need to deal with anything anymore. I would be gone.
I'll finally be free.
Just as I am about to swallow them, my phone rang.
It made my jump in surprise.
I forgot I left it there last night when I was in the bathroom.
In my head I argued whether I should pick it up or not. I didn't know the number nor did I want to talk to anyone.
I looked closely at the caller ID and it looked the same as the number that called me a few days ago as well. I actually picked up but no one responded in the other line so I hung up. I debated to myself if I should pick up or not.
Will I hear nothing again like I did yesterday?
Who was was it?
I find myself picking it up anyways despite my situation.
"H-hello?" My voice comes out raspy, but it is better than sounding as if I was about to kill myself just a few seconds ago.
"Are you okay?"
My heart raced at the sound of the familiar voice as I clutched the phone harder.
"Calvin?" I asked in disbelief.
He was the one that called me a few days ago?
Why did he call me?
More over, how did he get my number in the first place?
"Yeah?"
"How do you know my number?"
Last time I checked, I never gave him my number.
Neither did Joshua or Megan.
"Just answer my question."
"I'm fine. What do you want?" I asked as I gripped onto the pills in my hand harder as I took a deep breath to calm myself down.
"Nothing much. I decided to bail Literature and get some coffee. Why aren't you in school today? You were in Math class today and I missed my partner."
"I kind of overslept and decided to not go since its almost ten," I answered honestly.
"Oh I never knew Reina is a badass."
I couldn't help but smile, just a bit.
I set the pills back inside the bottle and into the cabinet slowly as I exited the bathroom with my cell phone press against my ear with my left shoulder. I couldn't do it right now with him on the phone. He'll get suspicious.
"Okay so I slept in today. Why do you care?"
He's quiet for a moment.
"Don't get to happy. Megan told me to call you since she has class now, and she wants to know why you aren't at school. Apparently she wants to let you in on the latest gossip, and Joshua wants to know if you're still alive. So hearing you, it means you are and well. Plus I miss my partner in crime for Mr. Martin's class too. I was bored without you there."
Now I am quiet. If I didn't pick up the phone and swallowed all the pills, in just a few minutes later, I would have been on the floor. My hands clutching onto the empty bottle. My eyes slowly shutting. There is another silence I didn't notice until I snapped out of thought. Just as I am about to say something, Calvin cut me off.
"Are you positive you're okay? You want me to come over and make you some hot chocolate or something? I wouldn't mind anyways since I'm bored."
I frowned, did I not sound 'fine'? Am I not trying hard enough to sound 'fine'?
"Yeah I'm fine. You don't need to come over. I'm actually on my Kindle, reading and drinking tea since there's no point in me getting to school at this time," I lied smoothly.
"Okay that's good. Well I'm going to go to my next class like the good student I am, unlike you."
"Yeah, try not to fall asleep," I chuckled.
"Don't count on it. And Reina?"
"Hm?"
"If you have any problems...let me know. We're friends aren't we?"
With that he ended the call.
I shook my head in disbelief, knowing without a doubt that he'll fall asleep. I set my phone down. I take a quick shower, and cleaned up my cuts. After the shower, I felt a bit like myself today unlike a few hours ago.
In less then thirty minutes I am on my bed with my Kindle next to me, my textbook on my lap and a warm cup of tea on the table. I plan to get some studying done this weekend. I might as well start today. I open my phone and see that I have a text waiting for me.
Joshua: Hey, where you are?
I roll my eyes and text him back, 'What do you want?'
Joshua: I didn't see you today and me and Megan want to know where you at? You sick??
I stared at the text message for a few moment before I text him back in confusion.
'Didn't you get Calvin to check on me just before?'
After that I set my phone down on the bed, still a bit confused.
Didn't Calvin call me because Joshua and Megan told them too? That's what he told me. I anxiously wait for his reply.
Then my ringer goes off.
I stood shocked by his reply.
Joshua: No. I didn't even see him all day. Why? Did he call you or something? Megan didn't see him all day either...
That meant that it wasn't Joshua's and Megan's idea to give me a call. It wasn't them that noticed I was gone first.
It was Calvin.
He didn't call because he had to. He wanted to call to make sure that I was okay.
I didn't know if I should feel happy or shock about that.
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Reasons To Live: 8."Happiness can be found in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the lights."