When I stepped out into the hallway it took me a couple of seconds to figure out where to go. Yesterday I hadn’t even noticed how huge the apartment was, with its multiple corridors and what felt like hundreds of doors.
I walked past the huge spiral staircase and suddenly all the nervousness was back. Maybe they had just been so nice to me yesterday because I had looked so shaken up?
There was no going back though, because I had already reached the entrance to the living room which was located just across from the hallway I was standing in.
Mrs Black who was sitting on a ginormous leather couch surrounded by a huge pile of pillows in every size and color, reading a magazine, lifted her head and started smiling when she saw me.
I cleared my throat. “Good morning.”, I mumbled, a little uncomfortable and tucked at my sleeves. Mrs Black laughed a little.
“It is almost 3 p.m.”, she replied but then added: “But I am glad that you slept so well. You really needed a proper rest after that terrible flight, Damien told us you weren’t feeling well. And I cannot imagine that your stay at the hospital was very resting either.”
Her soothing voice sounded even more concerned and I flushed a little under her gaze, while she looked at me.
He had told them about me throwing up for 40 minutes straight, while crying and sitting on the floor.
Great. Just great.
I had always been terrible at making a good first impression.
She smiled again.
“There is really nothing you would need to feel ashamed for, dear. We are just all glad you are feeling better. Graham took Charlie to the park, in case you were wondering, but you don’t need to worry, I just talked to him on the phone, Charlie is doing great.
And Clary is with them too. Damien needed to go to work to take care of something. I am sure it could have waited a little longer, but when it comes to the company he is unfortunately just like his father.”, she sighed and put the magazine that she was reading down beside her, and I nodded, relieved to hear that he was safe.
Of course, I had seen how great Damien had taken care of Charlie the last few days. He hadn’t ever left his side, except for when I was around of course. He wouldn’t have left if he had thought anything could happen to him here. But as a mother you always worried about your child, no matter what.
“I really appreciate that. I am sure Charlie will love it here. And I just wanted to say thank you for taking us in and letting me stay here over night. I would have just taken a hotel room but-” Mrs Black started shaking her head.
“Don’t be ridiculous, sweetheart. There is no way we would have let you sleep anywhere else in your condition and you are welcome to stay as long as you want. Our home is your home too. It’s nice to have some guests over. Usually it’s really quiet here.”, she said with a wide smile and with every word she said I felt more and more guilty for keeping Charlie from her.
I had been so scared Damien and his family would reject us because I was not rich, pretty, and smart enough, but instead I had to learn now that it had been me rejecting them, not the other way around.
I couldn’t help but think that it would have been much more bearable if they would scream and yell at me, maybe even sue me. Surely they could destroy my entire reputation within seconds and prevent any person in the entire city from giving me a job.
But instead I had been warmly welcomed.
I looked into Mrs Black’s eyes, but I couldn’t see even a hint of resentment in them, and the guilt inside me was consuming me more and more.
“I am so sorry for everything that happened. Believe me, if I could turn back the time and change what happened, I would. I know that what I did was wrong, but I was just so scared and confused. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I thought I was protecting Charlie but now I know that what I did was selfish. I am so sorry I took Charlie away from you and-”
Tears were burning in my eyes when Mrs Black got up and hugged me.
This time very carefully.
“Oh honey, I know you never meant to hurt anyone. None of us can change what happened but you are here now and that is what matters.”, she said in her soft, sympathizing voice and let go but grabbed my hand instead and squeezed it.
“My wife is right.”, a deep voice behind us said and I jerked, spinning around. My ribs started protesting but I was too surprised to notice.
Ethan Black was standing in the wide, open doorway and smiled a little. Now I at least knew where Damien had gotten his smirk from. Or who.
“Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”, he quoted, and I smiled a little.
“John F. Kennedy.”, I added, and he smiled nodded, pleasantly surprised.
“And it is very true. You really should not be dwelling on the past. What’s done is done. All that matters now is for Charlie to finish his Chemotherapy and get through his surgery. And for you to get better as well. How are you feeling?”
“A lot better than yesterday, thank you.”, I responded and cleared my throat. For some reason he was really intimidating, even though he wasn’t even wearing a suit, just regular jeans, and a polo shirt.
“Very good. Just let us know if you need anything. A concussion is not something one should underestimate.”
I nodded and resisted the urge to salute and say something like: “Sir, yessir.” He just radiated so much authority. Instead of doing either of the two, I nodded and said:
“I will try to uhm… follow your advice, thank you.”, which wasn’t much better but still.
“Will your parents come visit soon? We would love to meet your family. There is much we have missed out on.”, Mrs Black asked, but there was no reproach in her voice.
I looked down at my shoes wondering if I should just lie to them, but Mr Black’s curious gaze made me want to tell them the truth.
His gaze was so attentive, and he looked like someone who could tell if someone lied to him immediately.
“They are on a world trip right now.”, I answered, which at least wasn’t a lie, but Mrs Black didn’t seem to be happy with that answer.
“Even though their grandchild has a brain tumor? They just left you all on your own with Charlie?”
She sounded deeply concerned. I shook my head slowly while I blushed, feeling uncomfortable. This was it. I had to tell them the truth now.
I took a deep breath, then I opened my mouth.
“They don’t know about Charlie’s tumor.”
Both of Damien’s parents stared at me in disbelief but before they could ask any questions I continued.
“Charlie got diagnosed with brain cancer a couple of weeks after they left so they didn’t notice anything. I didn’t tell them because my sister died from the same brain cancer Charlie has now; she was 17 when she died, and I was 14.
It all went really quick because the tumor had already spread to her other organs. The doctors tried but there really wasn’t anything they could do, and I think it was especially hard for my dad because he is a doctor too, so he knew from the beginning that Lainey didn’t stand a chance.
When I got pregnant my mom and dad both started working part time so they could help me with everything, but they had been planning their trip ever since they got married and they have been wanting to get away ever since my sister died.
I practically begged them to go.
Everything was going great when they left. I was about to get my law degree and Charlie was … healthy. Whenever my parents call they seem so happy and I know that if I told them about Charlie and Malcolm they would take the next flight but I just want them to be happy and it would break their hearts to have to go through all the chemotherapies and the surgery again with Charlie… I just couldn’t tell them. They did everything for me and out of all people they deserve to be happy again. It just- It doesn’t seem fair.”
I tried my best to sound calm but no matter how many years would pass, I would never be able to talk about her like this without emotions dwelling up inside me.
And I missed my parents so bad.
Whenever I had to sit through a chemotherapy with Charlie, all I wanted was my parents to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay and during his surgery I had been so close to just calling them and begging them to come.
I smiled a little. Smiling always made telling this story a little more bearable. I didn’t know why but pretending to be okay on the outside, always made it easier to feel the same way on the inside.
Still, Mrs Black stared at me horrified, before pulling me inro a hug once again. This time I didn’t mind that she grabbed me tight and squished my torso a little too hard.
“I am so sorry, honey.”, she murmured and caressed my back as my father had always done when I was upset.
“- I just miss them.”, I admitted while she hugged me tighter.
“I know.”, she said and after a few more seconds I pulled back because I knew if she kept holding me like that I would not be able to keep my tears from coming any longer.
“I’m sorry. The last week made me really emotional I guess.”, I apologized and brushed my wet hair back. Mr Black laid a hand on my shoulder.
“That really isn’t anything should apologize for. We can’t imagine what it must have been like for you to go through all that yourself.”, he said in a serious manner, and I shook my head a little.
“I wasn’t all alone. My friends Celia and Derek actually moved back to Pittsburgh for me and they declined jobs here in New York just so they wouldn’t have to leave me. I would not have made it without them. They are actually coming to New York in a couple of weeks, now that they can take the job offer. They are amazing.”
He smiled.
“Well, your friends are our friends too. Tell them they can stop by whenever they want.”
I chuckled a little.
“I don’t think that that would be a good idea. I don’t think Celia would ever want to leave again. She is an interior designer and she would absolutely love this.”
I made a wide gesture and admired the huge, dark bookshelves the reached up to the ceiling that had to be at least 12 foot, probably more.
There were a ton of large wood framed windows in the two outwards facing walls with an amazing view over lower Manhattan. There were similar curtains to the ones I had seen in my bedroom, in creamy white, matching the white beams on the ceiling and the gigantic brick fireplace made the whole room look even more cozy, even though there was currently no fire in it.
Mrs Black gave me a bright smile, even though she still seemed to be a little shook.
“Well, if she is only half as sweet as you are she is welcome to stay for as long as she pleases. And now you should really eat something, you must be starving!”
That was very true. I was unbelievably hungry, so I nodded.
I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning and in the days before that I had had to threw up a lot, so I basically hadn’t eaten a full meal in almost a week.
“That would be great, thank you.”, I replied, and Mrs Black laid her hand on my back and pushed me slightly into the direction of the open concept kitchen that was at least twice as big as the one in my parent’s house.
There were two white kitchen islands with marble countertops. I sat down on one of the swivel chairs.
“You two eat something and I will go down to the park and see if I can find Charlie and the rest. I am sure he wants to see you and to be honest I didn’t have the time to go to the park in a while.”, Mr Black said, and the corners of his mouth turned up a little again.
“Thank you. I really appreciate that Mr Black.”
“Ethan will do it. You are a part of this family now and I always feel so old when people do it, especially young people like you.”
He laughed a little and that made him seem at least ten years younger, but he didn’t look that old anyway.
His hair was still dark, but not as wavy as Damien’s, and there were only a few grey locks at his temples. He had a few laugh lines around the corners of his eyes but overall, like that he could have passed off as 50 which was incredible considering how stressful his job had to be.
I wondered whether Damien would look like this in 25 years, but I pushed the thought of him aside and nodded instead.
“Of course, uhm… Ethan.”, I said and flushed.
It felt weird calling him by his first name when I knew that he was probably one of the richest and most powerful men in the country.
And here I was, sitting in his kitchen with his wife, about to eat the food he had paid for. He nodded and gave his wife a little kiss on the cheek, something that my father used to do as well and seeing them together reminded me again of the empty hole inside me that was only filled by all the pain their absence had caused me.
I looked down on my hands that were lying on the kitchen counter and waited until I heard Mr Black leave before I lifted my head again, just to see Mrs Black beaming at me.
“What do you want to eat? Our chef, Mrs Davidson, has already left but we have lots of leftovers, but I can also cook something if you like.”, she said and opened the big fridge that was overflowing with food.
“We always have a ton of stuff here because even though all of them have their own apartments they still come here all the time for the free food. Or at least they used to. Ethan and I are usually gone most of the time, Damien works, Clary has a new job and Graham barely talks to us anymore. But now that you and Charlie are here, things will go back to normal again. Ethan and I have realized that we haven’t spent enough time as a family, so we will try to take more time off from now on.”
She gave me a smile, but it was somehow sad, and I bit my lip. I was terrible at comforting people and because I couldn’t think of anything to respond to that, I decided that it would probably be best to simply answer the question she had asked earlier.
“I really don’t want to be a burden to anyone, especially after you all have been so wonderful to me. I would be more than happy if you had some leftovers. And if you are busy I can help myself, really.”, I responded quickly, and Mrs Black pursed her lips and shook her head.
“You are not a burden to anyone. We are all very happy to have you and we will do anything to make this -admittedly very spontaneous- relocation as easy and smooth as possible for you and Charlie.
And now you should really eat something, you look starved. Didn’t they give you anything to eat in the hospital?”, she asked indignantly and put her hands on her hips.
“They did but I wasn’t feeling well most of the time, so I wasn’t hungry.”, I lied.
In reality they reason for the absence of my appetite hadn’t been my sick stomach. It had been the one person on the entire planet that I simply couldn’t work out. He was so full of dissent.
After most of the medications had left my body, I hadn’t been able to sleep anymore, and instead of worrying about Malcom, it had been Damien who I had thought of.
It seemed absolutely impossible to be able to rest when I knew that he was only a corridor away.
I didn’t want to admit it, but his deep blue ocean eyes just wouldn’t leave me alone, not even when I did fall asleep. They followed me everywhere.
I kept asking myself the same questions, but I never figured out the answers.
Damien Black was a mystery.
But solving mysteries was Celia’s thing, surely not mine.
I finally forced myself to focus again and looked up at Mrs Black who was shaking her head but then she let her arms drop and sighed.
“Fine. What about some Pizza? We have lots left from yesterday.”
I shifted uncomfortably on my seat but nodded. I hated sitting here and letting her serve me food, but still I forced myself to smile.
“That would be great, thank you so much.”
I kept quiet on my chair, only speaking up whenever Mrs Black asked me a question. Mainly these questions were about college, my friends Celia and Derek, and also about Charlie.
I could tell she was trying to avoid my parents and sister -and Charlie’s tumor of course- which I appreciated but I also wished she wouldn’t treat me with kid-gloves.
I had made it this far and being treating like I was mentally unstable actually made me feel more like it too.
But then I remembered that I could hardly blame her, after I had almost had a mental break-down in her living-room just a few minutes ago.