A pair of cold hands were put in front of my eyes. There were plenty of people I could think of that could be the owner of those hands. I tapped my fingers on the table I had in front of me and thought about who it was that had just entered the room.
It wasn't Zayn. When he was to surprise me he usually just came out of nowhere and kissed me before I knew what was going on. Also, he was sitting next to me. I felt his hand rest on my knee.
It wasn't Josh either. He was sitting across from me and I had just been talking to him about the songwriters the boys would cooperate with during this part of the tour. We had very similar music taste, and we were very excited to hear what they would come up with.
Other than that, it could've been any of the lads. Or Caroline, or Jared, or anybody really.
''Hi Lou.'' I heard Harry say as he walked behind me and the mystery person - Louis. I laughed. The person behind my chair must have given Harry a death glare because he fast followed with ''She doesn't know which Lou it is yet!'' He defended himself with. Sure, but even though Louis' hands were small I could tell the difference between his and Lou's neat hands that were used to style hair and makeup.
''Sure I don't. Hi Louis. Thank you Harry, hello to you as well.'' I said, smiling as Louis took his hands away from my face and spun my chair around. Zayn took his hand away and shook his hand while smiling at his friends. Louis leaned forward and leaned above me with one hand on each of the armrests on my sides.
''That man really don't know how to be discreet.'' He sighed. He then let out a small laugh and stood up properly before stretching his arms out as an invite for a hug. I jumped up and hugged him tight. He even lifted me from the floor.
''I really need to talk to you later.'' I whispered to him. He nodded, just as unnoticeable and put me down again.
''How was the family?" He asked. Maybe he actually wanted to know, but I believed it was a way to ask about something quick so no one would wonder why we didn't say anything. I mentally groaned. Wrong choice of question. I wasn't the kind of person that would start to cry just by the mention of something that could make me upset, but it stung in my chest since I hadn't thought about it for a while.
''I, uhm... I got thrown out. Ry-Ryan was there." I stuttered and bit my lip afterwards. "Long story." I added with a sigh.
I hadn't spoken to my parents since, except a text from my dad where he wanted to make sure I was okay and had a place to stay. I had answered with one 'yes'. Dad was actually on my side. He usually was, and he used to stand behind me when I had a discussion with my mum. Like when they found me playing the piano by chords and not only the classical pieces I was supposed to practice. I was 12 or something. My mum never stopped complaining about how I wasn't supposed to play anything modern. I was never going to make a carrier out of that, she said.
That was the first time my parents had a real fight because mum disliked something I did and dad took my side. Now, dad usually kept away from our arguments. Persuading my mum into letting me go on tour was his work. I was happy I wasn't there to hear their fights about it after I left. He was still on my side, but he would carefully pick his fights instead of risking his marriage.
''Okay, we really need to talk." Louis mumbled and kissed my forehead fast before walking around the table to sit in a spot between Harry and Dan.
Zayn glared at Louis for kissing my forehead when Louis walked back to his seat. He hadn't shown much emotion or said much earlier that day. Since that day, he said less by every day. Like he was waiting for something that didn't happen and lost his hope.
Louis rolled his eyes. "Don't do that whole overprotective thing, Malik. It's obvious the two of you are very much in love with each other." He reassured Zayn, who was still staring at him, and sat down across the table. Zayn tensed by his words. I could see how he held his breath for a second.
We hadn't mentioned it since it happened, but I noticed he changed. I never told him I loved him back. I really, really should've done it. It shouldn't be hard really. I shouldn't doubt it. I should be able to tell him I love him with my entire heart and that he was the best person I knew and that I don't know if I wouldn't handle life without him now.
I just couldn't say it.
Maybe was it because I had told myself every single day that no one would ever be able to love me since I was younger, and then when someone came and promised me that he did I eventually believed him because he made me happy and he made me feel beautiful. Just to realise later that he had been lying all the time. The worst thing was to realise I had been right all the time. I knew it from the start. As he told me he loved me I said I loved him back by instinct and fear of him leaving. Inside, I was shouting 'liar!' over and over again while I answered that I loved him back. Because I did. I thought I loved him.
So when a person like Zayn tells me that he loves me when I'm feeling awful and worthless, I can't answer. I can't believe him. I even fought him. I told him he couldn't be sure of it. That there was no way he could know that.
That there was no way he could love me like that. I didn't say that, though.
We hadn't spoken about the subject since then. He almost acted as if nothing had happened most of the time, but I had noticed how he could zone out from times or send a quick, fake, smile when he looked blue. He didn't tell me he loved me again and I was scared I'd never hear him say that again. Like I was allowed to be upset about that. He didn't act strange and I tried to do the same, but it was hard. I had way too much on my mind at the time. It was really nice to come back to work again. To the music. I would miss being able to sleep next to Zayn though. If I was lucky, I hadn't done that for the last time.
+++++
"Why are we in a staircase again?"
"Because somehow I always make you admit stuff in staircases." Louis answered softly, not as sassy as I expected it to be, and played with the pen in his hand that he had stolen from the room we just had a meeting in.
I sighed. "Would you at least sit down? It feels like an interrogation and it stresses me out." He was still standing up, leaned against the wall as I sat down on a step with my legs on the step below so I was able to hug my own legs and lean my chin on my knees.
"Sure, sorry." He quickly said and sat down beside me. I was surprised how calm he was. He spoke softly and hadn't made a joke or remarked on something I did that he found funny. I soon understood that he was scared of making me cry. I wasn't surprised, I hadn't been far away from doing just that lately.
"Louis, I won't start crying." I told him. He furrowed his eyebrows as if he didn't understand. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you act strange and you don't need to. I just need Louis right now." I answered and met his eyes. He nodded. "Okay, sorry. Tell me what happened since we said goodbye at the airport. All of it."
So I did. I told Louis about how dad picked me up and how I barely got into the house before they told me we had a dinner guest. They believed they could make me return to London with the one person who made me wish to leave my old life the most. I told him how I texted and then called Zayn in tears and how he called Paul who called Liam who came to pick me up and drove me to the airport. How Zayn met me at the airport and took me home to his family that actually acted like a family unlike my own. How he took care of me even when I had cried for what seemed like hours.
"And he made me feel... Loved." I just barely spoke the last word, it came out more as a whisper. He made me feel loved when I needed it the most, when it felt like no one else did. And I don't even start to explain how much I love him. I don't even say those words. How stupid could I be?
"Issy?" Louis carefully asked. It was the first time he had said something since I started talking and he seemed scared for what I was about to do. So was I. I stared at the wall in front of me and focused on breathing as my mind flew around. I was still quiet but I felt how my chest clenched and my lungs stopped to give me the air I needed and my hands were shaking and my vision went blurry. Louis' arms were around me in a second. "It's okay. You can cry." He told me. I didn't want to break down again. I had cried for so many things lately it felt stupid. But this was the most painful of them all. The thought of Zayn leaving me. Of Zayn being hurt because he thought I didn't love him. So I cried again.
"I didn't tell him, Lou." I sobbed into his chest. He hushed me and rubbed my back.
"Tell him what?" He asked.
"I didn't say I loved him back." I cried. "He said he loved me and I told him he shouldn't and I didn't say it back and he is angry." Louis gasped but kept holding me.
"Oh, Bellbell." He sighed. I didn't care asking about the nickname he gave me. "It will be okay." I took a breath that hitched as the air filled my lungs. I could feel how it was cold underneath and above my eyes by my makeup that probably was everywhere in my face by then. I shook my head.
"He acted like it was nothing but then you," another breath. "said that we was in love with each other or something and," breath. "he didn't look at me after that." I started to get control of my breathing now. "I don't know what to do and I'm too scared to lose him so I don't want to start a conversation with him about it."
"Calm down. Okay, take another breath and talk to me." He ordered me. "What did he say exactly?"
I had gone through it so many times in my head I knew exactly.
"He... We were walking and we met his old friends and after we said goodbye to them he kissed me out of nowhere and said 'I love you' and I said something about how he couldn't be sure of that and he said he was and I told him over again that he was wrong. Why would he say that?" I groaned. Louis sighed and kept an arm around my shoulders.
''I'm not trying to make you feel worse but listen. I know you are insecure about these things, but you should know that Zayn is just as much. He has stopped every relationship with every girl he's been dating before it got too serious as long as I have known him. He's scared of making it serious. Like, terrified. I don't believe he has told anybody he loves them in a very, very long time. If ever. Something must've happened when he was younger, I think. You should believe him that he does. And believe that he's hurting right now. You are amazing Issy and you are one of my best friends, no doubt. But Zayn is my partner in crime. I've known him for about four years soon. I can't see him being in pain, even if he's not making it show.'' He said. It was painful hearing, but I knew it was true and I needed to hear it.
"I have to talk to him." I said, to myself as much as to Louis.
"Yeah." He agreed. "But if he doesn't want to talk about it yet, give him some space. I know you're used to being able to talk to him whenever 'cause he's always okay with you, but the rest of us know that he needs his space."
I hugged Louis again and thanked him before returning to the conference rooms where we had been earlier. I found Zayn and Harry still in their seats from before. Harry was talking about what he had done during break. According to most rumours, he had gotten himself a girlfriend eight years older than him. By what I heard, it seemed as if he spent most of our time of with his mother and sister.
I sat down next to Zayn where I had sat before and put my hand on his knee. That was a common thing for us to do. Normally, he would take my hand in his. He just let it be where it was. At least he didn't push it away, I thought. We listened to Harry talk for a while until he got a phonecall and walked out of the room as he talked. My insides didn't feel like insides of a body should feel like, that's how nervous I felt. Just by talking to him. I clenched my right hand that wasn't on his knee and told myself to stop being so afraid of everything.
"Are you mad at me?" I asked. My voice didn't break and I didn't sound like I was on my way to another breakdown. He sighed very, very slowly and looked at the table. Those weren't good signs at all.
"No." He answered.
"Well, are you disappointed then? Because I didn't..." I didn't finish my sentence. I didn't feel the need to, nor was it possible to get the words out. I compared them to lying. I didn't believe them even though I really wanted to. Because I knew that I loved him. I did that now.
"You didn't what?" His voice was still natural, with slight hints of coldness and harshness in his tone.
"You know what I mean." I said. God, was I scared. What if this conversation ended really, really bad?
"I do but I want you to complete your sentence." He answered and looked straight at me. He didn't hesitate a second before speaking. He was determined and kept his jaw clenched.
Why did I find it so hard to say it? Why was I afraid? I already knew it was true, so why couldn't I just say it to him? I looked at his shirt instead of meeting his eyes. I wanted him to hug me. He wouldn't do that if I was being a coward. I could only make whispers now. My voice would always fail me when I was nervous or scared or sad.
"Are you disappointed because I didn't tell you I love you back?" I whispered.
"It would be stupid of me to expect you to say it. I shouldn't be upset about that." He answered instead. That didn't make me less confused.
"Are you though?" I asked. He couldn't get away from that question which meant I couldn't get away from the answer. I forced myself to look up at him and meet his eyes. I swore I could see tears in them before he quickly blinked, looked away, cleared his throat and stood up.
"I'm sorry." He said fast, before leaving me alone in the room.