I looked up at where Jakeson stood waiting for me. The same spot as he would wait at every day for me. Under the big tree at the front of our campus. Our tree we’d called it. I have to do this. My stomach churned as I approached him. Every step towards him making me want to turn around even more than the one before. But I couldn’t. I had to face him.
“Rein?” he asked, his voice laced with worry. He’d seen my eyes. He knew there was something wrong.
If only there wasn’t anything wrong. If only it had never happened. If only I could still feel the happy warmth from just being at his side. But it wasn’t there. Instead all I felt was guilt and shame as I stared up into his perfectly blue eyes. “Jakeson, we need to talk.”
I said the dreaded words.
The words I’d been battling with all weekend long. The words that had to come out. And he had been expecting them, the hurt in his eyes confirming this thought. “Rein?” he asked again. I could hear his usually perfect voice crack under the pressure.
He knew what it meant. “I’m sorry.” I muttered looking down at my feet, unable to face him. “Can we go somewhere more private?”
“No.” I looked up at him, surprised at his flat tone. “No we’re doing this here.”
He didn’t bother to mask the hurt in his eyes. Jakeson please don’t. I pleaded inside. I knew he could feel it in my eyes and instead he shook his head slowly. “Jakeson-“ I trialed off. I didn’t want to do it like this. Not here. Not in front of the school just moments after it had let out.
“You’re breaking up with me.” he stated his voice calm but I could feel the hurt radiating off of him.
My face heated up as I looked away from him, unable to stand eyes contact any longer. “Please Jakeson.” I pleaded, my voice faltering. “Let’s not do this here.”
“This isn’t a good place?” he asked and I could hear the sarcasm in his voice. “Is there a better place you had in mind to break up with me?”
My eyes snapped to his. I could hear the stress in his voice. “That’s not what I meant.” I whispered. “Just… somewhere more private?”
“We’re doing this here.” he repeated his earlier words. I looked away from him trying not to break down. I have to do this. I told myself but I wasn’t sure if I could anymore. Facing him was too difficult. I couldn’t even manage looking at him let alone trying to explain it.
“Is it because I’m going away to college?” Jakeson asked suddenly. I looked back to him. All anger was gone and he looked like his reserve was breaking. When I didn’t answer he continued with, “I can wait another year until you can come with me Rein. We can make this work.”
“No I-“
He stepped forward, closer to me. Our eyes meeting again. “I’ll change colleges.” he interrupted me. “I’ll wait back a year and then go to whatever you college you want when you leave. We-“
“It’s not about college.” I cut him short. Oh god I can’t do this.
I tore my eyes from him again. Every time I looked into them I thought I was going to break down in tears. “Then why?” he asked, reaching out and setting his hand on my shoulder. He instantly pulled it away when he saw my face tighten and grow hot trying to stop the rush of emotions that threatened to come.
I looked up at him the pleading look in his eyes breaking my heart. Don’t worry Jakeson. If it brings you any comfort I will be going to hell already. “It just-“ I faltered unable to think of the words to say. I knew that no matter what I said it wouldn’t make it any better. “-it just won’t work. It won’t.”
“Is it because we haven’t had sex?” he asked quickly. “I was just waiting until you were ready. I didn’t want to rush you into any-“
“It’s not about sex Jakeson.” I cut him short, my cheeks flushing deeply in mortification. In a way it was about sex. I’d cheated on him. I’d given my virginity to Kale. And I was in love with Kale. I’m a terrible person.
He reached out and touched my cheek lightly causing me to flinch and pull away. “What is it then? I can change.” he pleaded with me. His voice on the verge of breaking.
You are making this so hard. “The feelings aren’t there anymore.” I stated turning my eyes to the ground. I’d meant it to come out harsh but it’d come out in a mumble. I wanted him to be mad at me. Not plead for me to stay. I didn’t deserve him.
For a long moment he was quiet and I could hear him finally take in a sharp intake of breath like he was struggling with himself. Oh no is he crying? I thought, my heart jumping in worry and I looked up to him quickly before I could stop myself. He blinked twice, trying and failing to hide the broken look in his eyes. “What changed?”
“I don’t know.” I muttered, lying. I knew what changed. I’d finally given in to my feelings for Kale. And he’d admitted his to me.
“I can fix this. I can make things better. I can make you feel that way again.” his voice was barely a whisper and I swallowed roughly.
The desperate tone to his voice made my eyes water. “You can’t. Things just change. I can’t help it.”
He fell quiet and I couldn’t think of what to say to comfort him.
What if I’m making the wrong decision?
My eyes racked over his handsome features. Once rugged and full of life he now looked like he’d just been given the worst possible news. And it was all because of me.
When he opened his mouth I wasn’t prepared for his words. “I’m honestly in love with you.” He said quietly, so quietly I wasn’t sure if I’d heard them right. His eyes met mine and he repeated them, louder this time. “I’m in love with you.”
“What?” I breathed astounded, for a lack of anything better to say. I hadn’t thought he’d loved me. I knew he cared. I knew he was always there for me. I knew that he’d always been so… oh god he’d been loving. What have I done?
He looked up at me and nodded. “I was going to go to college for a year and when you graduated come back to get you. It would be hard being apart so long but there is vacations and breaks. . .” he trailed off and my eyes began to tear up.
I blinked slowly trying to will away the tears. “Jakeson I-“
“It’s Kale isn’t it?” he cut me short his voice sounding as though he was on the verge of tears as well.
I gave him an alarmed look. What does he know? My heart thudded madly in my chest. Did he know what had happened with me and Kale? “No I-“
“I see the way he looks at you. And…and the way you look at him.” He cut me off his voice low. I tried to deny it again but couldn’t seem to get the words to come out of my mouth. He clearly saw my taken back expression and let out a soft sigh. “I didn’t want to admit that anything was there so I ignored it. But it’s him, isn’t it?”
I nodded. His voice wasn’t accusing. Just hurt. “Yes.” I muttered finally. I at least owe him the truth.
A silence hung in the air and tears stung at my eyes. I felt terrible like I rightfully should. I’d done a terrible thing. I was a terrible person. I deserved his hate. I deserved his anger. My body tensened as I prepared myself for the insults that would surely come from him.
But none came. Instead his voice came soft and gentle as though he were the one comforting me. “If he ever messes up. . . if he ever hurts you . . . If anything at all goes wrong then I am going to be there to snatch you up.”
I gave a small nod and made eye contact again, stunned by his words. Jakeson this isn’t easy for me. I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to know that I had never meant to hurt him. But I couldn’t take it back now. I couldn’t undo what I’d done.
“Did you ever really like me?”
I nodded quickly. “Yes I did. Oh I really did.” I touched him lightly on the shoulder and pulled my hand quickly away as I turned my eyes back towards the leaves of the tree. Tears were brimming in my eyes and I knew they’d fall if I didn’t get out of there quick.
“Can I have one last kiss?” he asked in barely a whisper, his voice catching me off guard.
“Jakeson-“
“Just one.” He looked into my eyes pleadingly. “I just need to feel your lips one last time. Even if it means it will never happen again.”
I looked away yet again. He didn’t back down though and instead pulled me into a hug. I hugged him back instantly, holding him close, his chest moving in tune with mine as we breathed. Why do you have to be such a good guy? Why couldn’t you be an asshole and make this easier?
He held me as securely as I held him. I wasn’t sure which one of us was closer to tears than the other. Yet we stood there holding onto each other in silence. “Just one.” I agreed, breathing the words into his chest. I at least owe him that.
I tilted my chin upwards offering my lips to his. He lowered his slowly letting them hover just out of reach from mine. His breath tingled my face and his hand found its way to my chin gently holding it steady as he set his lips softly against mine.
He pulled away after only a moment and when I looked up into his eyes I could feel my heart breaking with the hurt look he gave me.
“I will always be here for you. Always.” He said before turning and leaving me standing there alone beneath the tree. Our tree.
Before I knew it tears began to find their ways down my cheeks and I sat down in the grass pulling my knees to my chest. I didn’t care if anyone saw me crying. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I knew Kale was sitting in his car waiting for me to finish the task I’d set out to do. But I couldn’t bring myself to go to him. I wanted to be alone with my self hate. How could I have done that to Jakeson?
“Hey Rein are you okay?” I looked up at my name to see Skylar approaching where I sat beneath the tree in the school lawn.
I wiped away my tears the best I could and looked up at him with a fake smile. “Oh hey Skylar.” I muttered trying to hide the most obvious fact I’d just been crying.
For a moment he looked down at me before giving me a small sad smile. I tried to return it and failed. Skylar moved closer and sat down beside me, resting his back up against the tree. For a moment he sat there before slinging his arm around my shoulder and pulling me up against him. “Boy problems?” he asked as I tried to stop the ters that had started to fall again.
I nodded into his shoulder and crumpled against him thankful for his closeness. I didn’t want to be sitting there vulnerable anymore. I knew that people were watching us but I didn’t care. “You could say that.” I said my voice breaking as I looked up into his eyes.
“Did Jakeson break up with you?” he asked softly.
I shook my head slowly. “No. I broke up with him.”
“Why?” he asked tilting his head slightly as he looked down at me. “You obviously regret it.”
I sighed and shoved the tears from my face. “It’s complicated.” I finally stated.
“Try me.” he offered and squeezed me a little closer in a friendly manner.
“I-“ I faltered not know what to say. “I love Kale.” I said the words just escaping my mouth. “I didn’t mean for it to happen it just did. And I hurt Jakeson and I’m terrible and-“
“Shh.” he cooed, cutting me short. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.” Skylar took his arm that wasn’t around me and rose it so he could reach out and brush my hair from my eyes. “You should be happy that you’ve found someone you love.”
“But I hurt Jakeson!”
He chuckled softly and shook his head slowly. “That’s why you’re our favorite Rein.” he said his smile looking sad. “Because you always put everyone else first.” I opened my mouth to ask him what he meant but he’d already drawn his arm off of me and started to get to his feet. “Come on.” he urged, sticking his hand down for me. I took it, getting to my feet awkwardly.
“Skylar I-“
“Kale must be waiting for you.” he cut me off and gave me a little smile. “Go to him. He can cheer you up better than I can.”
I stared into his eyes for a moment and he made a little shooing motion with his hands. I gave him a thankful teary eyed smile and snatched my book bag up from the ground. When I turned my eyes back to him he gave me a warm smile and shooed me again with his hands. “Go go. And don’t you dare let him change you.”
[[ Salutations Readers~ Again no song. I think this and the last chapter don't really have any that would quite get all the emotions I want dead on. And since, as you can tell, they are very emotional I am super picky for them. Anywho... one last chapter. The make it or break it chapter! First chapter of season II will be up same day BUT I'll be getting that one up every 2/3 days. Not every day. It'll be worth it I promise! Any comments are greatly appreciated. I'd love to know your reactions to this chapter. As always, <3's ~ Jade]]