Elena was not surprised to see that Stefan had arrived first at the restaurant. She was fifteen minutes early and figured he had been there for at least a good half an hour, if not longer.
Her stomach was in knots and had been all day. It had been difficult to concentrate at work and when she got home, she had stressed over what to wear. She was going to dinner with a man she had gone to dinner with hundreds of times. But this time was different.
Elena was nervous about what Stefan would say to her. She was even more nervous about what she would say to him. She had chosen a pair of navy blue capri pants with a crème colored lace top. It was casual, but dressy too. She had paired the outfit with black sandals and put her hair in a ponytail.
If he hadn't already seen her, she might have turned around and left. Elena gripped her steering wheel with both hands and closed her eyes. "Breathe, Elena" she whispered. When she opened her eyes again, Stefan was standing. His hands were in his pockets again, a nervous habit of his, and he was waiting patiently.
She figured she could not make him wait forever. And the sooner she got out of the car, the sooner dinner would be over with. Elena took one last deep breath and then got out of her car. She avoided Stefan's eyes as she walked to him.
"Hi" he said, keeping his voice neutral. Inside, he was really thrilled for her to be there with him. She did not say anything back, so he continued. "I got us a table" he added.
Elena nodded and allowed him to lead the way around the side of the restaurant and to a deck in the back overlooking the water. The restaurant did not appear to be crowded that evening, but Elena did notice that there was only one table on that deck instead of the usual five or six.
Stefan noticed what she did. He pulled out her chair for her. "I wanted us to be able to talk" he said, confirming her suspicions about no one else being around.
"So you rented out the entire deck?" Elena asked, her tone somewhat criticizing. It was not necessary, and she hated that he had done it. Their dinner meeting was nothing special and yet she felt as though he was making it something it was not. The way she had asked her question though had left him looking like a sad puppy she had just scolded. They had not even ordered and the evening was not off to a great start, thanks to her.
Stefan played with the end of the tablecloth hanging from the table. "We can go inside if you would rather eat in there" he offered, in no way wanting her to feel uncomfortable. He had not meant anything by it. He just wanted privacy.
Elena squeezed her hands together, trying to get a grip on the anxiety she was feeling. It was definitely a driving force behind her attitude towards the evening. Elena shook her head no. "Here is fine" she said, sighing. "I'm sorry. I'm just ..." she paused, trying to decide on whether or not to finish her thought.
"Nervous" Stefan confirmed. His eyes met hers suddenly when she looked up at him. "I don't want you to ever be sorry for the way you feel" he said softly. It was something he had learned in therapy, to accept how you were feeling as relevant and valid. "I'm nervous too." Six months and everything that had happened to them was a lot to think about.
Elena shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I ... I don't really know what to say to ... you" she admitted. She knew it would be impossible for her to lead the conversation.
Stefan could understand that. "You don't have to say anything" he said. Silence fell over them and he was relieved when the waiter came for the drink orders. "Just water, thank you" Stefan ordered.
Elena had looked up, surprised by his choice. She was just always so used to him ordering one kind of alcohol or another. "Sweet tea, please" she ordered. She was not too far off from her 21st birthday, but even then she was not so sure she would drink. Not after she watched it tear her life apart.
"Order anything you want" Stefan encouraged,
Elena picked up her menu and scanned it a couple of times. She already knew what she wanted to order, she just wanted to look preoccupied so she did not have to talk to him. Truthfully, she was not hungry, even though she had not really eaten all day. Anxiety did that to a person though.
Stefan studied her, and realized that she was not the same girl he had hurt six months ago. Worse, he knew he had broken her long before he had gone to rehab. Her eyes were sad and distant, her body language told him she had put a wall up to protect herself. He was the reason for it. For all of it. He could not help but think how much better off she would have been if he had let her walk by on campus that one afternoon.
Elena could feel Stefan's eyes on her and it made her nervous. "I'm not really hungry" she stated, setting her menu down. Now she felt as though she was wasting his time.
Stefan frowned, but nodded anyway. Maybe the suggestion of dinner had been poorly thought out. After all, they were both nervous. "How about some appetizers then?" he offered.
Elena shrugged. "Sure" she told him.
After Stefan placed the order, they sat quietly for a little while. Elena was looking at her lap, playing with her hands.
Stefan cleared his throat. "Would you like to hear about ... what I've been doing the last six months?" he asked. He wanted to tell her about it.
Elena shrugged again. "Okay" she said. Her stomach was in knots again.
Stefan took a calming breath. "I've been working with a Psychologist. Dr. Erickson. He's been really great" Stefan said. Elena continued to look down at her hands, so he continued. "We worked a lot on calming strategies and replacement behaviors. I've been focusing on my self-care a lot" he added.
"So you're all better? No more urges to drink?" she asked before she could stop herself. Her question was condescending. Clearly she was still harboring feelings of resentment because he had not been able to get help when she had first asked him to.
It had stung, but he did not blame her. He had hurt her. "The urge is still there sometimes" he admitted. It always would be, according to his psychologist. Elena looked up at him and his eyes pleaded with hers to keep looking at him. "But my last drink was the night I ... the night I hurt you" he said quietly.
Elena was embarrassed by the tear that slid down her cheek. She had cried enough over Stefan and what had happened. But hearing him bring up what had happened that night was emotional for her.
Seeing her cry crushed him. He had hurt her enough, and all he wanted to do now was make it up to her. "Elena" he said as his heart shattered all over again. "I am so sorry" he told her, needing to apologize for what he had done.
Elena closed her eyes, feeling more tears begin to escape. She never expected his apology to be so painful. "I should go" she said, standing quickly. "I ... I can't do this" she cried softly. "I ... I need to go" she said again. Her chest was tight and she was feeling panic. Too many emotions hitting her at once. She started to leave, making her escape.
"Elena, wait" Stefan said, standing and grabbing her elbow. She froze, standing with her back to him. "Please don't leave like this" he said, barely above a whisper. He was not entirely sure how the night would play out, but he knew he did not want her to leave upset.
Elena took a few calming breaths before she turned around and faced him. She no longer had the urge to hide her tears, or to pretend she was okay when she wasn't. The times she had spent with Stefan while he was drinking had been hell, but so had the six months she spent without him, too. "I don't know what you want from me" she whispered sadly, looking up at him and wiping at a few fresh tears.
Stefan faltered for a moment, unsure of what to say. It was heartbreaking to hear her ask about what he wanted. "I ... I just want you to ... to know that this was all my fault. And that I finally got the help I needed" he said quietly.
Elena closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands, letting herself continue to cry softly. "I'm sorry" she whispered.
He felt his own tears start to pool in his eyes. He was an idiot to think the evening would go any differently than them both ending up in tears. Before he could stop himself, he was leaning in closer to her and wrapping his arms around her.
Instead of pulling away like she knew she should, she buried her face into his chest and closed her eyes, remembering what it felt like to be held by him.
Stefan rested his head against hers and listened to her cry. "You have nothing to be sorry for" he told her, holding her tight. He wanted to tell her he loved her, because he still did, but he held back, knowing it would only add confusion to their situation. "I'm so sorry" he said again, knowing no matter how many times he said it for the rest of his life, it would never be enough.
XXXX
They never did get around to eating the appetizers, but he was content with just holding her while she cried for a little while. Then she had excused herself to the bathroom to check her makeup. Stefan figured their evening was over.
He waited by the front door and when she emerged from the bathroom, he waved at her to get her attention. He felt relieved when she started walking towards him, though her red, puffy eyes made him feel guilty.
Elena slowly came to a stop in front of him. "I umm ... I think I'm ... going to head home now" she told him. "But thank you, for dinner" she said, then remembered they had not actually had dinner. "Or, the tea, I guess" she said, cracking a joke.
It made Stefan smile a little and it was a relief. "Thank you, for joining me" he told her.
Elena nodded. "Bye" she said, moving past him to go out the door. Stefan followed, walking to his jeep but making sure that she made it to her own car too.
Elena unlocked her door and slid into the driver's seat. She put her seatbelt on and then took a moment to recap what had happened at dinner. She would need days to figure out how she felt about it. Elena took a deep breath and then tried to start her car. It would not turn over. Her car would not start. "No no no" Elena said, trying again. Nothing. It was embarrassing.
She looked out her window and saw Stefan's jeep backing out of the parking spot. She could be prideful and end up stuck at the restaurant. There was no way she could afford a tow truck right then. Or she could put on a brave face and ask Stefan for a ride home. She was running out of time though.
Elena tried starting her car one last time and it still would not start. "Damnit" she muttered, opening her car door and jumping out. Stefan's jeep was about ready to drive away when Elena ran up to his window, knocking on it. Stefan rolled his window down. Elena crossed her arms and looked everywhere but at him. She hated asking for help, especially from him at a time like this. "My car won't start" she told him.
Stefan just nodded his head toward the passenger seat next to him. "Jump in" he said, leaning over and opening the door for her.
Elena smiled reluctantly. "Thank you" she said, walking around to get in.
XXXX
Stefan and Elena were sitting in her driveway with the engine idling. He was unsure of what Elena might think if he shut the engine off. It might make her think he wanted to come in. "I'll have a tow truck bring your car to Damon's so I can look at it" he said, breaking their silence.
Elena shook her head no. "I can't ask you to do that" she replied. Somehow, she would scrounge up the money to get her car towed. And then somehow, she would find the money to get it fixed. But she would not let Stefan know about her financial situation.
"I'm offering" Stefan said, shooting down her refusal. "Besides, it will give me something to do" he added. He desperately needed something to do.
Elena was not sure how to turn him down again, knowing he would just keep offering until she finally gave in. "I'll pay you back, for the towing, any parts and the labor" she assured him.
"I'm just happy to be able to help" Stefan shrugged. Which he was. He was going to have a purpose for a little while, and he needed that.
"Thank you for the ride home, Stefan" Elena said, opening her door and getting out.
Stefan held himself back from getting out too and walking her to the door. She did not turn back, even before she entered the small house. Not even a wave goodbye.
But he had been able to spend an evening with her, and it was more than he could have ever asked for at the time.
XXXX
"It can't be the starter" Stefan said, leaning over Elena's car that was parked in Damon's circular driveway.
Damon was next to him, and was covered in grease up to his elbows. "Well it can't be the battery. I just put one in for her a few months ago" Damon stated.
"Maybe the fuel injector. And the belts look pretty worn. I'm guessing she needs a whole new engine" Stefan said, poking at one of the belts and conforming that it was worn.
"She needs a new car" Damon announced.
They both backed up and out from underneath the hood of the car. Damon tossed Stefan an old rag to wipe his hands off with. "Where's her other car?" Stefan asked cautiously. The piece of junk sitting in front of him was definitely not the car he had bought her.
Damon wiped his own hands off with a rag. "She traded it in for the money" Damon admitted, going back and forth on whether or not he wanted to tell Stefan that.
Stefan perked up some. "Money?" he asked. The concern was evident in his voice. "She should have plenty of money. You wrote her those checks every month, right?" Stefan asked. He needed to be sure that Elena was financially secure while he was away, and he did not care what it had cost him. He sure as hell hadn't needed the money to live off of.
Damon sighed. "She wouldn't take the money" he admitted. "She returns all the checks I give her. I even deposited one into her bank account once and she told me if I ever did that again, she'd never speak to me again."
Stefan shook his head, not believing what he was hearing. "So how has she been living these past six months?" he asked.
"Look, I shouldn't have said anything" Damon replied. Though, Stefan would have figured it out sooner or later when he looked at his finances. With $18,000 dollars still sitting in his bank account that should have been spread out over six months, even someone horrible at math could have figured out that something was wrong.
"But you did" Stefan pointed out. "So tell me, how has she been living?" he asked, his voice sounding a little more demanding than he had intended. But he was worried.
Damon sighed again, rubbing his forehead out of frustration. "On a shitty job that pays her minimum wage" he answered. When he saw how surprised Stefan seemed, he decided to elaborate. "She said since she was divorcing you, it wasn't right to let you pay her way anymore" he explained.
Stefan scoffed from frustration. "Pay her way?" he asked, raising his voice. "She was my wife. I didn't pay her way! I loved her!" he said, realizing he was getting worked up. He closed his eyes, remembering his relaxation techniques.
"Jesus Stefan, take a breath" Damon said, placing his hand on his brother's shoulder. Stefan was worrying him now. "She's okay, Stefan. I've made sure of it" he promised.
Stefan placed his hands behind is head and looked up at the sky. "But you should not have had to take care of her. That was my job" Stefan said, much more calmly.
"I know" Damon said. "I know. But you had to go and take care of yourself. That was your only job at the time" Damon reminded him.
"I don't know what I'm doing" Stefan admitted.
Damon slapped his shoulder. "You're healing. We all are" Damon said reassuringly.