Word Count: 1504. Please don't forget to vote if you like the chapter :)))
Sakusa's POV
He watched (l/n) cross out another word, fingers clenched around the pen as if she were running out of time. She sort of was, in a sense- Sakusa had finished his poem five minutes ago. Although he had told her to take all the time she needed, (l/n) had gone from looking like a cottagecore girl writing recipes in her journal to an ABG trying to forge a fake ID as she frantically scrawled on her paper.
"Shit!" She hissed under her breath, pen freezing mid stroke. She grabbed her milk tea and took a large gulp, chugging like a frat boy. "Sakusa! What rhymes with human?"
"Uh- boo, men?" He suggested after a long pause.
(l/n) gave him a funny look but then nodded her head in approval. "Huh. Amen to that, but I don't think it's what I'm looking for."
She went back to scanning the page anxiously. Sakusa briefly wondered if she would give up and cross out yet another failed phrase, but instead her gaze hardened with newfound resolve. "You know what? Screw it, I'm not going to rhyme for the last stanza."
Sakusa leaned back in his chair, the lactose in the milk tea beginning to upset his stomach. "Go for it. Most poets opt for the non rhyming route anyway."
He was surprised by how nonchalant their meeting (which was essentially therapy) had become. The more they talked, exchanging ideas and swapping opinions, the more Sakusa felt himself slip into the comforting ease of (l/n)'s presence. He acknowledged it, but didn't try to resist. So much for putting distance between them.
After three minutes of silence, marred only by the scrape of pen against paper, (l/n) completed her poem. Out of breath and slightly red in the face, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and blew out a long breath. "Alright, I think I'm ready. Want to read yours first?"
Sakusa thought about it before a moment. "No."
(l/n)'s mouth fell open. She certainly hadn't expected that. "Wait, why not?"
"I think it's only fair that you go first, given that you finished after me." He teased lightly. In actuality, he was merely stalling; no matter how vague his poem was, there was still truth hidden in its symbols, truth he wasn't ready for her to hear.
(l/n) took a halfhearted sip of her milk tea. "Fine. But it's- ugh, it got way too cheesy at the end." A slow smile spread across her face and Sakusa knowingly braced himself for a pun. "Actually, maybe I shouldn't read it. Cause of your lactose intolerance, y'know?"
It was Sakusa's turn to go red in the face. "I can't believe you went there." He said drily, but a smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
Everything he'd fought for- his volleyball career, his mental health, his crippling fear of being hurt again- told him to let her go. He knew her poem was probably a send off, in anticipation of their separation, but he wanted to grasp the thin piece of paper and keep it close to his chest. She was handling it pretty well, his request for distance. He had told her virtually nothing, but she had respected his wishes immediately.
Hours before he had been so sure of his decision to put distance between them.
Now he was having second thoughts.
Bantering back and forth with her, just being with her, struck him with both joy and regret. He felt like an Alaska native coming back from a tropical vacation- after briefly swearing he preferred the sun he now found himself back in the presence of snow, and it was beautiful. He knew it was for the best, but...
What would life be like without her.
Clear as ice and with a misty connotation, (l/n) read the title of her poem."Sakusa," she said, not meeting his eyes. "From my perspective."
"Ode To Sakusa"
I've never held your hand, that is true.
But don't be fooled- I'm always with you.
When you try to bathe yourself in bleach?
I'll place the damn bottle out of reach.
That time you wanted to see the stars?
I went with you, and we spotted Mars.
Yes you have some faults... (*very many)
Oh, portable wipes? You have plenty.
But who the fuck cares? I for sure don't.
(If someone does, I'll strangle their throat)
I like the way you think before you speak,
I envy the way you control your speech.
I admire the way you command the court.
You are a monster; the beautiful sort.
But most of all, you are human.
A perfect. Fucking. Human.
Empathy, emotion.
Your mind, deep as the ocean.
Thank you for listening to me.
Walking, talking with me.
No matter where you wander I will wait for you.
Because at this point, I can't imagine
Leaving you.
I have grown so used to
Loving you.
When she finished, Sakusa was absolutely speechless. "Hey, don't say I didn't warn you." (l/n) joked. "And I'm aware the ending was rushed, so go easy on me." Through the fog that had settled upon his mind, Sakusa barely made out her fingers laced together.
She did that when she was nervous.
After a month of knowing her, he had become familiar with her quirks. For example, (l/n) bounced her right knee when she was tired, but still insisted on staying up with him. 'Go to bed.' Sakusa would tell her, 'We can pick up where we left off tomorrow.' 'Nonsense! I refuse to let calculus get the best of me.' She would declare, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
He felt the fog set in and realized the wispy tendrils were composed entirely of his thoughts. The milky substance crackled with electricity, confusion, and other things, evil things that existed deep within himself. Sakusa refused to name them.
Before he slipped away from reality completely, Sakusa heard the poem's final sentences echo in the distance.
Because at this point, I can't imagine
Leaving you.
I have grown so used to
Loving you.
What would life be like without her.
That was his final coherent thought before he fell into a prismatic sequence, shining fragments lying in wait for his reflection. (this is just another way of me transiting into a flashback HAHA)
Location: Inside Sakusa's Head
Two summers ago, he had broken down. "I don't understand! I have everything a person could want- looks, talent, fame- so why am I so sad?" He asked his mom.
Maybe the codon in charge of forming relationships had been omitted from his genetic code somehow? It seemed like a reasonable explanation, but Sakusa knew he was fooling himself. His inability to make meaningful connections couldn't be solely blamed on his innate personality, nor what happened ten years ago. There had to be some other factor at play.
His mom, whom he loved with all his heart, assured him that he just hadn't found his 'crowd'; but Sakusa was 17 now, and he'd come to settle upon a grim realization: It was him. Something was fundamentally wrong with him.
He hadn't always been like this: insecure, paranoid. Constantly reevaluating himself and trying to fix what was broken. Utterly afraid of getting attached. Someone should have told him he was perfectly normal, and that the only person holding him back from making friends was himself, but that was the problem- he didn't have anyone.
(Besides Komori, but Sakusa knew his cousin had a ton of friends other than him, so he tried not to be a burden. He figured Komori was obligated to be nice to him anyway, since they were family and all)
He should have gotten some help back then. Gone to group therapy, "love yourself", all that jazz. But despite how unstable he was, Sakusa was hellbent on curing his loneliness. It was a paradox: he craved human interaction despite it being his greatest fear.
So Sakusa figured he would work on talking to people on a 'no string attached' basis, just for the sake of not being alone with the thoughts that plagued him, but girls would ask for autographs or photos two minutes into a conversation and boys seemed uncomfortable speaking to him, like they hadn't known him all his life.
His loneliness swelled with each awkward encounter. From the outside looking in it was apparent that his reputation was the cause of people treating him like a celebrity, but Sakusa was dense and somehow came to the conclusion that he was unloveable.
17 years, and he had amounted to an object of idolatry. 17 years and he was revered across the country, and yet he was all alone.
A/N: I'm so glad I met my goal of publishing this a week after chapter 14! I hope everyone is doing well.Part 2 is also up, and three chapters after this (if I can stop overwriting) marks the end of PART 1 of this fic. I hope this story hasn't become too angst... these Sakusa POVs are sad af but we're entering Sakusa's 'arc' so they will continue for the rest of part 1.
On a lighter note, I'm blown away by the love this fanfiction has been receiving. You guys are so supportive and make me feel loved even though writing this story has grown increasingly harder. Like, why am I treating this as a full on novel? Well.., at least I'm committed. ❤️
QUESTION: do bonuses (like the Iwaoi and Bokuaka chapters) annoy you guys? I'm trying to develop foundations for the side ships but they do somewhat distract from the main plot...