Saorise's wedding day fell upon the most beautiful day in June. It was something out of a fairytale. The entire morning had been filled with rushing back and forth in the endless effort to make sure everything was absolutely perfect. Saorise and all of us bridesmaids having our hair and makeup done by stylists she'd hired to ensure each of us looked our best. But none of us could out do her. She was the most beautiful bride I'd ever seen and it made me so emotional when it hit me that my best friend was actually getting married.
The stress of getting everything ready on time seemed to simmer down a tad when we got to the reception to see all the guests before the ceremony. But even then I felt frantic at heart. I couldn't even imagine being the one getting married because being a bridesmaid alone was enough to keep my heart racing all day. I just wanted Saorise to have the perfect wedding she'd always imagined and knowing that one of my friends was now going to be married off already really put into perspective how time had flown.
Even though my mine was racing a million miles an hour on seven billion different things, I didn't forget who was coming to meet me. And that was one of the most anxiety inducing parts of the whole day.
Every time I walked passed a mirror I would find myself stopping and taking a second look at myself. Saorise really wanted us to all feel and look beautiful but I just couldn't help second guessing myself. I even slinked off to the bathroom before my partner arrived and spent a good fifteen minutes just looking at myself in the mirror.
Even though it was Saorise's special day, I couldn't help but feel some kind of sadness at the whole thing. Even though it had been months, I still thought about Christian from time to time. Looking in the mirror especially. It took a lot for me to be able to see myself as my own person and not the person I was when I was with him. And a lot for me to be happy with the way I looked because I always heard his voice in the back of my head making me question whether or not I ever looked good enough.
Saorise had picked out the most gorgeous bridesmaids dresses for us. I eyed the silky golden slip dress that hung off my body to the middle of my shins and how the glistening fabric reflected the sunlight in beautiful yellowy shimmers. She'd picked out matching glittering gold heels that rose me a good three inches in height and made me feel like I was on a runway wherever I walked.
Looking up at my face I bit down on my lip hard as I told myself something I hadn't in years. You look pretty.
It felt weird and out of place but I genuinely felt good about my appearance for once. Saorise really had pulled it off.
Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of the bathroom and walked through the group of people once more as I began the search for Alex. And let me tell you, the second other people were able to look at me, all that self confidence disappeared. So many people kept looking at me as I walked passed them and it began to make me feel less and less good about the way I looked.
I hadn't seen Alex yet that day, but he'd messaged me letting me know he was on his way. I saw him the day he got back to LA but that was it because straight after I was helping Saorise with her last minute preparations.
We were in Malibu for a wedding right by the beach. Saorise had even gone the extra mile in booking a bunch of us rooms at a nearby hotel so we didn't have to travel all the way home that night and could instead, treat ourselves to a stay at a luxurious hotel by the water. I'd already paid for a room for two months ago, back when Christian and I were still together and I planned for us both to stay after. Now it was just going to be me and if Alex wanted to join I told him he was more than welcome to but I didn't expect him to for several reasons.
I weaves through all the guests, craning my head up to look around for Alex to see if he'd arrived yet. Maybe he's outside. Leading up to the wedding, I'd been excited as all hell ever since Al said he'd come with me. I didn't know why. He hadn't shown me his suit either but told me he'd bought one specifically for the occasion.
I stepped outside the reception building and looked around at all of the arriving guests and cars and sure enough, making his way over from the parking lot was Alex dressed to turn all heads. He damn near winded me when I spotted him. He looked like heaven on earth.
His eyes were hidden by dark shades that matched his black suit, fitted to perfection. He was fixing his suit jacket and looking around a little lost as I swiftly made my way over to him. He was wearing a simple white undershirt, not unbuttoned to his chest like it usually was, but instead done all the way up with a simple black tie hanging from around his neck. It was a very basic suit but he managed to make it look like the most jaw dropping spectacle. And his hair was all gelled and pushed back over his head like he was the best looking version of Count Dracula.
My stomach was doing somersaults.
"Al!" I called out as I jogged over to him on my heels. He looked right over, his mouth falling slightly agape as he spotted me. I barely noticed as the first thing I did was embrace him and when I stepped back I realised that he was somewhat frozen.
"Thank you so much for coming," I said to him, tucking the wispy bits of my done up hair behind my ears.
"I—yeah," Alex said. I couldn't see his eyes through the darkness of his aviators but his mouth was open like he was looking to catch flies.
"You look handsome," I smiled to him, complimenting him so I could hide how I really felt about the way he looked. "I love the suit."
Alex didn't say anything. Like all the words had been stolen from his mouth. It began to make me nervous. Maybe he didn't want to be here? Maybe I fell below his expectations and he was starting to second guess the whole thing.
He shook his head quickly, "I'm sorry." He cleared his throat, "it's just...shit Orion," he said, running his hand over his hair with a sheepish smile.
"What?" I asked nervously, looking down at myself.
"You—you look good," he stammered, looking me up and down. "Wow...um...no, yeah, you look—you look really good." This was the first time I'd ever seen the Lyrical Genius lost for words. I wasn't used to it.
"Really?" I asked, holding my hands in front of my stomach.
Alex nodded and let out a bit of a laugh. "I'm trying to find the right word," he said and looked me up and down once again. "Shit," he laughed and looked away briefly.
Before he could continue, everyone started moving around meaning it was time to go to the ceremony venue. As we all began piling into cars, I briefly introduced Alex to Megan and Natalia. Both were thrilled to meet him to say the least.
"Nice to meet you both," Alex smiled, shaking both their hands.
"O tells us all about you," Megan smiled, winking at me. "Can't believe this is the first time we've met."
Alex chuckled and looked over at me. That alone made my heart jump and I was just grateful we had to climb into a limousine before my mind could digest that feeling too much. Alex sat beside me and stuck by my side the entire time, not knowing anyone else. And where when it used to be Christian and I would feel like I was babysitting, Alex actually tried to make an effort to get to know my friends and made it feel like we had gone to this event together rather than me dragging him along.
"Grab a seat near the front," I said to Alex just before we all got out of the car to start the ceremony.
"I don't wanna intrude," Alex said. The two of us were the last to get out. Alex made his way out before me and gave me a hand as I stepped out, careful not to ruin the dress I was in.
"I'll come join you right after we walk in," I said to him. I was to walk with the other bridesmaids and groomsmen down the isle before Saorise did. After that I was free to sit with Alex wherever he was for the ceremony itself.
"O! We gotta go over here!" Megan called out to me as all the girls dressed in gold slip dresses began moving away from the majority of the crowd who were slowly filling up the outdoor seats. We were right on a cliff over looking the bright blue ocean. A canopy of white wildflowers sitting over the guests seats and the alter.
"Shit, I gotta go but I'll come sit with you once I'm done with my bridesmaids duties," I said to Alex.
"Alright," he smiled, "I'll save you a spot."
"Okay, thank you," I smiled and hugged him tight, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before moving off to follow the other bridesmaids.
"Wait O!" Alex called out. I turned around and saw him jogging over. "Yer shoe's undone," he said and before I could even look down to see my unfastened heel, Alex had dropped to one knee and was carefully doing it back up for me.
I found myself holding my breath as I watched his nimble hands refasten the strap of my shoe gently around my ankle. His fingertips grazed my skin so sparingly and softly and yet still managed to make my cheeks flush. He looked up at me from the ground and smiled as he rose to his feet.
"There you go," he said quietly.
"Thank you," I almost whispered, swallowing the dry lump in my throat. "I'll see you in a bit," I smiled and quickly moved off before Megan could start yelling at me.
I inhaled and exhaled a deep breath, biting the inside of my cheek. Oh shit. It's happening. Oh god no. It freaked me out and so to stop that, I just focused on walking down the isle with the flower girls and groomsmen.
The seaside air was cool against the warm sun and made the soft silk of my dress flutter in the gentle breezes that rushed over the cliff side. The ceremony looked like something out of a dream. And when I sat by Alex's side and we all stood to watch Saorise walk down the isle to her soon to be husband it really felt like the most perfect dream. The smile on her face brought tears to my eyes.
As we sat back down I felt a tap on my leg and looked over to see Alex discretely offering his hand to me. Smiling up at him I placed my hand in his and held on tight as I watched my best friend exchange vows with the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. It made me so sentimental. She was the most gorgeous bride and the smile her partner gave her was the way every girl wants to be looked at on her wedding day. Doubtless. In love. Devoted.
Am I ever going to be looked at like that?
The ceremony flew by in a flash and before I knew it, they were married and we were being ushered off for photos. I slipped Alex in with me to the photo area so we could get a few photos like Arielle had asked. They asked him to remove his sunglasses and that was the first time that day that I'd seen his beautiful brown eyes and when I did, they took me out like bullets.
"Can I put me hand there?" Alex asked me as we posed for 'couples' photos, his hand hovering over the dip in my waist.
"Yeah, of course," I nodded and faced the photographer as Alex's hand gently found home on my body. Even in heels I was the tiniest bit shorter than him, but now our eyes were almost perfectly lined up. It made me feel like a giant.
We ended up sneaking off to a bathroom and taking a photo in there, utilising the mirror, and sending it to Arielle so she wouldn't have to wait the few months it was going to take to get the professional photos back. Before we knew it, we were all back at the reception filing into the dining hall to take our seats.
Alex and I kept making jokes together at the table to entertain ourselves whilst all the food was being sent out. I can't even remember what I said, but I said something as he was drinking from his glass of champagne and it made him laugh so instantly that the champagne came right back out his nose.
Everyone at the table with us looked so confused but I couldn't help myself from laughing as Al quickly grabbed a napkin and hid his nose and mouth under it, groaning at the sensation of liquid up the nostrils whilst laughing equally as hard as me.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I laughed, hugging him side on as he pinched his nose hard with the napkin. Alex just shook his head laughing and rested his head against mine briefly.
"Oh that's unpleasant," Alex said as he wiped his nose and put down the napkin. He scrunched his nose a couple of times and sniffled.
"Sorry," I laughed, moving back from him as the food at our table was served.
"Don't tell me jokes when I'm drinkin'," Alex chuckled. "I think that's the first time that's ever happened to me."
"I'm sorry," I said again, moving out of the way for the server to place a plate of food before me.
"Don't be," Alex smiled, looking at me instead of the mouth watering food before us. "I meant it as a good thing. No one makes me laugh like you do."
God, he was making my mind race. I knew he was just being friendly but...oh god.
The food of course, tasted like heaven and once dessert was served it was time for speeches followed by Saorise and her newlywed husband's first dance. All throughout my speech I could just see Alex smiling at me from our table. He was almost impossible to ignore, even whilst I was directly addressing Saorise.
The first dance really was something out of a fairytale. Everyone just watching in awe as these two soulmates swayed across the dance floor in perfect synchronicity. Alex and Megan began talking about something or other whilst I just watched the dance floor slowly begin to fill up with different couples once the first dance had concluded. Everyone just looked so happy. Maybe I could be too?
You see, this was the problem. I'd been working on being actually happy right up until Christian and I broke up. Then I had to start from square one and it really felt harder than ever. It was like dragging myself out of a sink hole or a lake of tar. And seeing so many people around me so happy both reminded me that I still had work to do for myself, and made me that tiniest bit happier, elevating my spirits with each smile I saw.
I felt something tap my arm and looked over to see Alex standing out of his seat and offering a hand down to me. I cocked my head, confused, but still took his hand and stood up.
"Would you like to join me on the dance floor?" Alex smiled.
"I thought you didn't like to dance?" I asked him, hiding a smile.
"Yeah but, I'll make an exception for ya," Alex smiled and lead me towards the open space where all these other people were dancing in pairs. We weaves through a few couples until we found an empty space where Alex turned to face me and held out his arms.
Biting back a grin, I put my left hand on his shoulder as he clasped my right hand in his and put a hand on my waist, moving closer to me just a little. The hired band was playing a soft song in the background and we began to slowly move side to side along with everyone else filling up the dance floor.
The scent of his cologne was overpowering my senses as we moved together, his hand warm on my waist and in my hand as my eyes trailed over the fairy lights above us, the floral decorations everywhere, the smiling and dancing people.
"Phenomenal," Alex said out of nowhere, catching my attention from where it had drifted off to.
"Pardon?" I asked, looking to him and almost tumbling into his eyes like Alice in the rabbit hole.
"The word I was looking for," Alex said, a small smile playing on his lips. I furrowed my brows in confusion. Alex let out a small laugh and looked down at our feet. "You look phenomenal," he said and looked back to my eyes.
"Thank you," I said quietly, trying not to let my cheeks flush or my stomach tie itself up. "You do too."
"I tried me best to match up with ya," Alex chuckled. Both of us looked over as the band began playing a new tune.
"You should get up there," I said to him, nodding to the stage. Alex raised his eyebrows at me. "I think 'No.1 Party Anthem' would go down perfectly with our surroundings."
"Do you now?" Alex smirked.
"That and 'I Wanna Be Yours'," I said, "they're both very slow-dancey don't you think?"
"But if I went up there and sang I wouldn't be able to be here dancing with you," Alex said.
I diverted my eyes to his chest, "stop it." Alex chuckled and we continued to sway side to side to the soft music echoing around us. "Hey look," I said, "you're not bad at slow dancing."
Alex laughed, "probably cause all I have to do is shift me weight from foot to foot. And it's slow so I have time to think about how I look to the people who can see me."
"Oh come on," I smiled at him, our bodies close from the stance we were in. "Just dance like nobody's watching. Who cares what they think?"
"I wish I could feel that way," Alex chuckled, "unfortunately, I need to be pissed off me face to be able to dance without a worry." He paused for a second. "Or in me room alone."
"What? Dancing around in your underwear?" I teased.
Alex laughed, "exactly."
Everything was so beautiful and perfect. Dancing with Alex, the atmosphere, the music, the people. There was no reason for any emotion other than happiness to creep out of me but it did anyway. As Alex and I rocked side to side and talked here and there, one of those god awful waves began to wash over me.
It was slow and gradual at first and I thought I was just going to be able to ignore it or push it away and then it started to get more and more persistent. It was like a haunting creeping up on me. Dragging me back into the deep and reminding me that even though it had been months, I still wasn't completely emotionally over it.
"Sorry," I said quietly to Alex, snapping out of my thoughts, "is it alright if I just go and take a breather for a sec?" I asked him.
His eyebrows immediately drew together in concern, "yeah of course." I forced a smile at him appreciatively and moved away from him, walking off the dance floor quite quickly and leaving the main hall area.
It took me a second to realise what this wave was triggered by and of course, like every god damn time, it was memories of Christian. The fact that I was meant to be at that wedding with him for some reason really hit me hard. I hated it. I always had these moments where I'd be fine and then out of nowhere I would feel so helpless and abandoned. Getting better and moving on from such a long winded relationship was ten thousand times harder than I ever imagined.
I didn't want to abandon Alex for too long so gave myself five minutes away from the commotion to gather myself before I had to head back. I just wanted to be okay. For him. I just wanted to be stable and happy.
I found a sofa in a hallway parting off from the main hall and took a seat to recuperate. I clasped my hands together to stop them from shaking and inhaled a deep breath. It's not like I missed Christian, or wanted him here instead of Alex. I much rathered having Alex by my side and slow dancing with him than putting up with my piece of shit ex, but I couldn't help it when these waves came over me.
I checked my phone, two minutes left until I had to go back out so Alex wouldn't get worried. I put my phone away and clasped my hands around the base of my neck, resting my elbows on my knees and staring at my lap as I regathered my thoughts. I kept my eyes trained on the soft golden silk laid over my legs and told myself all the reasons in my life to be happy. This was a routine for me that my therapist introduced and it worked four times out of five.
I could hear my heart beating loud in my ears, so loud that it almost drowned out everything around me. But nothing could make me miss the sound of his voice.
"O?"
I looked over, surprised and embarrassed that he'd followed me out and sat upright.
"You all right?" Alex asked, slowly walking over to me and sitting next to me on the sofa.
"Yeah," I nodded and sandwiched my hands between my legs.
"Hey," he said softly and placed a warm hand on my wrist, "you can tell me anything."
I looked up to meet his eyes and sighed. He looked so caring, so kind and warm that I just melted for him like ice cream under the summer sun.
"It's nothing I promise," I started, "I just get these moments where I feel kind of empty and...I dunno...alone and lost and I just need a couple minutes to gather myself but I'm usually okay."
"Is it...?" Alex asked carefully.
I nodded. "It's harder to get better than I thought," I admitted. "I guess it's just made me worried that I won't find anyone else or that no one else will ever put up with me...I know it's been so long but...some things he used to say to me just stuck and...it's made it hard to be independent and confident in myself..."
We fell silent. I don't think he knew how to respond and I didn't blame him. This was the first time I'd spoken to him about all these 'after effects' or even Christian in general since the first couple months after we broke up. It was hard shit to admit, it made me feel like a broken toy. That was the best description for it. Because who wants a broken toy?
I sighed and looked at my lap again. "I just feel kind of helpless sometimes," I said quietly, "and scared..." I bit my lip hard. "...What if no one ever loves me again?"
I chewed on the inside of my cheek to stop me from gritting my teeth. I hated putting all that shit on him, especially on a day like today where all we should've been doing was smiling and enjoying ourselves and celebrating my friend's love. I hated ruining the night for him. It still hurts to think about because I just wanted to be okay. I was exhausted. It had been dragging on forever and I just wanted it to end. I just wanted to feel okay again.
"Orion I was crazy about you."
A coldness flushed over my skin as my eyes widened and I found myself looking right at him. My heart was fighting so hard to break out of my chest as my cheeks began to heat up. I didn't know what to say.
Alex sighed and looked down at his hands but I couldn't even bring myself to look away from him. "All I could think about was you, day and night," Alex continued, "you brought out someone in me that I haven't seen in years — if ever."
I swallowed the hard lump in my throat.
"I don't think I've ever fallen so hard for someone so quickly like I did with you," Alex said, his voice was shaking, like he was terrified. "You came into me life like a miracle and suddenly, everything was just better when you were around. I would do anything for you and what's comforting is that I know you'd do the same for me and that's hard to come by."
I watched his Adam's Apple rise and fall as he swallowed hard and forced himself to look at me. Our eyes glued in an instant, the world dissolving away around us.
"You had me in the palm of your hand," Alex said. I was still completely speechless. "You just make me happy, all the time and it hurt so much to see that arsehole break you down bit by bit and even before I knew you. He's managed to make you feel worthless and alone and that's not okay."
My heart felt like a stampede in my chest. It made it hard to breathe.
"You're the most amazing woman I've ever met," Alex said, "you're so kind to everyone all the time and I know for a fact that the entire world could fall in love with you no matter what he said to you. Don't let him get into your head and make you believe you'll never find anyone else. He was never good enough for you and you are so much more than he made you feel."
I wanted to cry but I held myself together.
"You are phenomenal," Alex said, his eyes staring right into mine. "It's bullshit that no one could love you again because you had me crazy about you..."
I could hear his heartbeat and it was beating just as fast as mine was. He paused for a moment, took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in his throat. It was like that elastic band was slowly tying around us with each passing second.
Alex looked down at his hands and then back up at my eyes. "And I still am," he said quietly.
My heart skipped a beat and I felt all air in my lungs fail me for a moment. I could barely believe what he said that I was so sure I was dreaming. That's when I felt his hand gently squeeze mine and I looked back up to his face to see him tentatively and slowly moving his face closer to mine.
I couldn't deny it to myself anymore. He had my entire heart. And he had for so long. He was magnetising. He made me feel like no one else ever had. Better than Christian ever could or did. And his words stole my soul from me. It was all surreal. And I felt myself begin to lean towards him too.
We went passed the point of friendship, passed the point of noses grazing against each other and right up to the light breath on the lips and the tickle of tension as our mouths came to being millimetres apart.
I wanted to. So bad. More than I'd wanted to do anything in a very long time. I just wanted to dissolve into him and lose myself but then I came to my senses and arrived at a horrible realisation.
"Wait," I said and quickly moved back from him, looking away from him as my mind caught up with my subconscious. "I'm sorry..." I said quietly and pressed my lips into a hard line. "I can't."
Alex didn't know what to say, I looked over at him and saw him terrified beyond belief. More so than the time at his house party. I could see instantly that he was terrified that he'd messed everything up.
"Arielle," I said to him, watching as his face fell in regret and sorrow. "I can't do that to her...I'm so sorry."
"Fuck," Alex said and looked down at his hands. "I'm so sorry, I—"
I shook my head, "it's fine we can pretend it didn't happen."
"But I don't want that," Alex confessed, looking back at me. His eyes now filled with the most heartbreaking pain I'd ever seen. "O, I don't know how to make it any clearer to you."
I shook my head again and moved away from him, "no. We can't do that to her. I could never do that. I know how it feels and I don't want anyone to go through that, especially not her."
"Orion..." Alex started.
"Al there's no me and her," I said quietly. "Or else people get hurt and no matter who it was I can't do that. And especially not to Arielle she's been so good to you and me, I could never do that to her. I'm so sorry. And I don't wanna make you choose."
"O I'm sorry," Alex said and tried moving closer to me.
"I want...I want us too but it's not worth breaking her heart. We can't do that to her," I said, hugging my arms to myself.
"But I want y—"
"No," I said and shook my head, "no Alex please don't say that." My eyes began to sting and I could see his watering too.
"Why not?" Alex begged.
"Don't say that, she loves you so much," I said. I was terrified I was going to ruin everything between them. "She can make you so much happier than I ever can."
"Orion..."
I vigorously shook my head as if it would block his words out. "No Al," I said and almost began weeping. "I'm a mess and you deserve to be happy."
Alex looked like he wanted to say something but no words were coming out.
"She can make you so happy," I said. "And the last thing I want is for you both to get hurt."
"You couldn't hurt me if you tried," Alex said to me and placed a hand gently on my arm.
I shook my head, "but what if you regret it? I don't want you to regret anything because that'll hurt you...and her," I said. "If you like the way she smiles or the way she looks at you or the way she says your name in the morning or when she's asking you for a favour, or if you like the way she tells jokes or the way she makes her coffee in the morning or the way she laughs, don't leave her. Please don't leave her. If there's even one part of her that you'll miss don't let her go."
I could see the pain in his eyes and feel it in my heart. But I knew what I was saying was the right thing and it was what was best for the both of them. No more making bad decisions. No more cheating or hurting. Not after everything I'd been through. Not after they'd been there for me through all of it. I wasn't letting this become a cycle. Especially not to Arielle.
"If you love her in any tiny fragment stay with her. If there's even one part of you that loves her, that will regret it, please just stay with her. Because she's going to treat you so right and make you happy," I begged from him, "don't sacrifice her for me." It hurt me so much but I knew it was for the best. I'd rather I hurt more, than Arielle being hurt in any way possible. I was broken already, it was better that there was only one of us. And maybe...I was just scared of being loved again.
Alex just looked at me. Completely and utterly heartbroken and it tore me to shreds. I felt like I'd hurt him beyond repair but all I wanted to do was prevent him from making a mistake he'd regret.
He chewed on the inside of his cheek and I watched as his eyes fell from mine to his lap. He didn't say anything for a moment, as if he was thinking hard and then:
"Okay," he said quietly.
Alex looked so stuck. I knew he was in pain but I knew it was the right thing and that he'd be able to see that. I wanted him to know that everything he said to me mattered but I couldn't tell him that because it would make everything worse.
"I'm sorry Alex," I said.
He just shook his head. "No it's okay. You're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...I don't know what I was thinking."
"Me neither," I lied and looked at my lap. We fell silent. The worst kind of silent too. Loud silence. It was deafening and unavoidable. It made me feel sick. I didn't know what to do anymore. Whether I let him know I felt the same way but refused to go behind Arielle's back and ruin their relationship, or if I just had to pretend I didn't feel anything at all. Even after telling him I wanted us too, maybe it was easier to pretend I was saying the wrong things rather than complicating things by confessing my feelings. I didn't want to ruin Arielle's relationship. I didn't want to hurt her in any fraction possible and if that meant giving up what Alex was offering...then I would.
"I don't want things to change between us," Alex said quietly, shattering the silence like a glass door. I felt goosebumps creep along my skin and my throat close tight as I forced myself to look over at him.
His forehead was creased with harsh lines as his eyebrows drew tight together in concern. There was this brokenness in his expression that I'd only ever seen once before and that was when I first met him and he was telling me about how Lauren was 'sick of him' and that he felt like a burden to his friends.
"Things don't have to change," I said to him, worried as hell that they were going to. "We can just pretend it never happened. For her sake...It's for the best."
Alex sighed in defeat and nodded. "I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry, it was stupid."
It broke my heart. I didn't want him to leave Arielle but at the same time it sucked to know I wasn't enough for him. But that was a good thing, I had to remind myself of that. I wasn't deserving of him anyway. Arielle made him properly happy and hadn't fucked with him like I had. I never wanted to or meant to but it was obvious I had.
He was being loyal to her and that's all I wanted. My own feelings just had to be put on hold for a while longer.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear as he brought me into a tight hug. I didn't know if he meant that he was sorry about what he'd said and what we almost did, or if he meant that he was sorry that he chose Arielle. I hoped to god it wasn't the latter.
Everything was just so confused and fragile but we managed to push it away and eventually went back and joined the wedding, acting like nothing ever happened. It was obvious that both of us weren't the same as we were before but we tried to pretend we were okay for the other's sake. For the sake of keeping everything we had before that moment and making sure things didn't change between us.
The wedding was a great distraction. The tension between us eased over the course of the night and by the end, it felt near normal again. But of course that was only on the outside.
God I just wished it had never happened. I wished I never left to take a break. I wished he never followed me. I wished he never told me what he did. But most of all I just wished this had happened long ago, before Arielle could get hurt. I wished I'd just broken up with Christian before I even met Alex and then none of this confusion would've ever happened. I just wished there was a time for us, but it felt like there never would be.
Once the whole night had come to a close, we found ourselves standing outside the reception waiting for a taxi.
"Al?" I called and looked over at him. He looked lost in thought. Now that we were alone, that tension was beginning to make itself visible again. It was horrible.
"Yeah?" he said and looked over at me.
"You don't have to come back to the hotel if you don't want to," I said. "I can pay for your taxi home if you'd prefer that."
His eyebrows furrowed tight. "Is that what you want?" he asked tentatively.
I shook my head, just barely. "But if you don't wanna come then I completely understand."
Alex forced a smile and walked over to me, "you're mad love," he said. "I thought we weren't gonna let things change?" he said and cocked a cheeky eyebrow at me. "I can't be arsed trecking it all the way home anyway so you're stuck with me."
This made me smile. Maybe things were going to be okay. "Alright then," I said.
"Here," Alex said and shrugged out of his suit jacket, placing it over my shoulders, "you've got goosebumps."
"Even in the summer," I laughed to myself and slipped my arms into the jacket.
"Embarrassing really," Alex teased. He really new how to make everything better. Like a song with sad lyrics but an upbeat sound to mask it. Or even the other way round.
"Leave me alone," I laughed and leant against him. Alex chuckled and moved an arm around my shoulders.
"You'd never survive in Sheffield," Alex joked.
"Hey! I've been in the snow thank you!" I exclaimed, looking up at him. "This dress is just really airy."
Alex smirked at me, "yeah I'm sure," he said sarcastically. I just laughed and shook my head, resting against him until our taxi arrived and took us back to the hotel Saorise had sorted us out with.
We managed to snap whatever tension was between us in half within a half hour and were joking around and laughing like nothing had happened; and it stayed like that long after that night. When both of us worked together, we were able to pretend the events at the wedding never occurred. It was better and easier that way but holy shit did it suck ass.
The room I'd reserved only had a queen bed as it booked it thinking I was going to be spending it with Christian. Luckily, neither of us seemed to really care about the idea of sharing a bed for one night. Maybe the whole thing at the wedding had something unspoken to do with it but for certain I'll never know.
I just remember the both of us climbing into our respective sides of the bed that night and there being so much distance yet so much comforting closeness between us. It was agonising. He was just so close. I wanted to reach out to him, kick him as a joke, poke him, or anything, just something to gain his physical contact but I refrained from doing so.
"Night O," his soft voice sounded through the room, now blanketed by the night.
I closed my eyes tight and inhaled a deep breath. "Night Al. Sweet dreams." I heard him laugh quietly to himself but that was the last of the words exchanged that night.
I'd wanted to kiss him so bad since that night at the beach. And I'd been spending so long convincing myself I didn't and that we were just friends, never to be anything more. But now more than ever I could no longer lie to myself. Just getting so close to the one thing I'd wanted for so long showed me just how much I wanted it. My mind didn't stop thinking about it even if my mouth stopped talking about it.
I was in love with him. I knew that now. But I had to let him go because it was what was right. It was what was right for Arielle, and I cared about her too much to even hurt her in the slightest, and it was what was right for Alex.
And that's all that mattered because I'd been hurt enough to know the painfulness of heartbreak and the preciousness of happiness.