[ive kissed more bottles
than boys
and this is the truth:
heartbreak hurts more
than a hangover,
but numbing the pain
only makes it worse when you
feel it.]
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"To our almost."
The sentence echoed around my head as I took my first sip of champagne. I crinkled my nose and tried to decide if I liked it.
"I should probably call Niall and make sure he's cool with this," Louis said. I nodded. Louis was more responsible than I gave him credit for, sometimes.
He was responsible when it came to me, at least.
Niall answered on the fourth ring.
"What's up?" he asked.
"Hey, you don't care if Mickey drinks a bit tonight, do you?"
"Why are you asking me?" Niall laughed.
"Because you're her legal guardian, Niall," Louis said in a duh tone. "Champagne?"
"Oh, yeah, right. Yeah, that's fine. You'll be with her?" Niall checked.
"Yeah, of course."
"Okay, that's cool, just tell her not to do anything stupid."
"You got it. Bye," Louis said. He hung up the phone and looked at me expectantly.
I took another sip of champagne.
"Do you like it?" Louis asked, drinking a bit of his own.
"Yeah, no, it's good," I said.
"So then what's up?"
"Nothings up," I said. Louis blinked expectantly. "It's nothing," I said.
"Come on, love," Louis said.
"Are you gonna drink too? Like are you gonna get drunk?" I asked.
Louis cocked his head, not immediately understanding.
"No," he said, "I'm gonna have this glass, that's all. Why?"
I swallowed. It was just Louis. I could talk to Louis. I knew that. "Because when guys get drunk around me they-"
"Oh," Louis said, "oh. No, hey, you don't have to worry about that with me."
"I know," I said, looking up at the ceiling. I knew that. "Hey, promise me that you're not gonna let me do anything tonight? Like, we won't do anything, even if I want to?"
"Of course, love. Drunk consent isn't consent, right? We're never going to do anything when you're not comfortable and completely aware."
"Even if I tell you I'm fine?"
"Especially then," he said.
I smiled softly and nodded. Then, I got an idea. "Hear me out, champagne is good, but do you think they have tequila?"
"Hold on," Louis laughed. He made a call down to the kitchen. Three minutes later, he was walking back to me with a bottle of tequila.
He unscrewed the lid, smelled it, and passed it to me. I smelled it as well, and wrinkled my nose. I looked up at Louis, unsure. He nodded.
I pressed my lips to the bottle and took a big gulp.
"Ew, what the fuck! That's gross!"
"You wanted it," Louis said, "after a few shots it won't be as bad."
"Yeah, because it's going to melt my tastebuds off," I said. I pressed the bottle to my lips and took three big gulps, before pulling away and wiping the back of my mouth with my hand.
"Okay?" Louis checked.
My body was tingling and light.
"Yeah," I said.
-
"Listen, Louis, all I'm saying is that you're a dumbass!"
"Oh, love," Louis laughed. I had drank a fourth of a bottle of tequila and two glasses of champagne at that point.
I felt tingly and completely numb at the same time.
"No, don't call me that," I argued with him, words only barely slurring, "you gave up on us. And I get it, I do, I get it. But you gave up on me!"
I couldn't even remember how we got on the topic, but I was feeling so strongly about that I couldn't just say nothing.
"We've talked about this before. It's better for both of us," Louis said patiently.
"Maybe I don't want what's good for me! I want you!" I argued. I drank another shots worth of tequila. "I'm going to want you for the rest of my life."
"You're drunk," Louis said. "Give me the bottle, please." Louis extended his hand and I gave him the bottle. He set it on the night stand beside him, out of arms reach for me.
"Where's my leg?" I asked.
"Over there, why?" Louis asked, pointing to it.
"I'm going for a walk," I mumbled. I started crawling off the bed but Louis was quick to grab my hips and pull me back, which made me laugh.
"You won't be able to walk, you're absolutely wasted. Just lay here and talk to me, yeah? Can you do that for me?"
"Yeah," I sighed. I stated up at him. His brown hair was flopping into his face and partly covering up my favorite pair of blue eyes. "You're pretty."
"Pretty?" Louis asked. I sat up, and put my hands on his thighs to balance myself.
"You heard me," I laughed. My arms wobbled and Louis noticed. He grabbed me under my armpits right before they gave out, and gently set me down. I scooted up and rested my head on his thigh.
I played with the strings of his joggers. My fingers twisted around them distractedly, and Louis watched me with a small smile.
"Have you ever gotten head before?" I asked suddenly. Louis bursted out laughing.
"You're absolutely wasted," he said.
"Just answer the question," I said. I tied the strings into a bow and looked up at him through my eyebrows.
"Okay, yes, I've gotten head before."
"Gross," I mumbled. Louis laughed hard underneath me, both of our bodies shaking from it. "From El?" I prodded.
"Mickey!" Louis laughed.
"Louis!" I mocked.
"Yeah, from El," Louis said.
"Ew," I said.
Louis laughed again. I adjusted my head so it was between his legs, my chin being held up by the pulled taught fabric. My fingers left his drawstring and went to his waistband.
"Hey, no," Louis laughed, "you're not going to-"
"Please?"
"No, no, no, love. You're not going to give me head right now. You're way too drunk."
Somehow, he knew what I was thinking. Maybe I wasn't as slick as I thought.
"Doesn't matter," I said.
"Yes, it does," Louis said. He grabbed my hands and laced my fingers with his, keeping them busy. "You don't need to do that."
"Obviously I do," I said. "I mean, Eleanor did, and you chose her over me so..."
Louis sighed and pulled me up into his lap all the way. I put my chin on his shoulder and he rubbed a small circle into my back.
"Sh," Louis said.
"Have you guys had sex?" I asked.
"A few times," Louis said.
"Give me the bottle," I groaned. I reached out for it, but Louis stopped me. "I want to black out so I don't have to think about that."
"You're dramatic," Louis laughed.
"And you're a dumbass," I snapped back. I tried to wiggle my hand free from his.
Louis rolled us over. He pinned the hand that was reaching for it to the mattress, and hovered above me. My lips parted in shock, and my other hand rested on his chest.
"I'm sorry," Louis said. "You probably won't remember this conversation in the morning, but I'm sorry anyways. Really fucking sorry about this."
"You're an asshole, you broke my heart," I gasped.
"I broke my own heart first!" Louis said. I put my hand on the back of his neck and pulled him down into me. I kissed him desperately until he pulled away a few seconds later. "You're drunk," Louis said, his head shaking.
"I don't fucking care," I said. I tried to pull him down again and he wrestled my arm from his neck, and pinned it to the mattress as well.
"I promised you I would take care of you, didn't I? You wouldn't do that if you were sober," Louis said.
"Louis, please," I said.
"Please what?"
"Please love me," I whispered, "please forget about Eleanor, forget about what you're supposed to do, okay? Pick me, choose me, love me," I said. Louis sat on top of my hips and pulled my hands down to my sides, still holding them down.
"Love," Louis said. I watched him blink tears out of his eyes.
"Please, Louis."
"You know that I would if I could."
"Kiss me," I said. I tried to sit up but Louis slid his hands up to my biceps, holding me down.
"You're drunk."
"Do I look like I give a shit? You wouldn't be the first guy to have sex with me when my state of mind wasn't solid."
"You definitely don't care, but I do, okay? I'm not going to be another one of those guys that hurts you! I care about you way too much to take advantage of you when you're drunk! That's wrong, love."
"You wouldn't be," I argued.
"Yes, I would."
"You can tie me up," I said, arching one eyebrow.
"Mickey, WHAT?" Louis laughed loudly, "why would I do that!"
"You said something about it the other day so it was obviously on your mind. What, did Eleanor let you do that? Is that why she's better than me? Because I'll do it if you want me to, I'll do anything you want me too," I said, one sentence spilling into the next.
"Angel," Louis said.
My mind flashed back to when he and I had sex. The only time Louis ever called me Angel.
"I love you," Louis said. His hips found a slow rhythm. "I love you so much, my Angel. You're everything."
"I love you too," I whimpered. "Faster, Lou."
He picked up his pace and I brought one hand into his hair.
"You're so beautiful. Most beautiful Angel I've ever seen before. Strong, too. Sometimes it seems unreal, how strong you are."
"Don't call me Angel," I said.
"Okay," Louis said. He climbed off of my hips and laid on his back beside me, assuming the situation was defused. "Does it bother you that I called you Angel just now?"
"It just reminded me of when we were together. I don't know if I want to think about that."
"Oh," Louis said.
"Don't call her what you used to call me," I whispered.
"Won't, love," Louis answered.
We were quiet for a long time after that.
"Is there anything I can do to make you choose me?" I whispered into the silence.
Louis was quiet for a minute. "No," he said finally, "nothing you can do right now."
"What about tomorrow?"
"I'll let you know if you remember this conversation," Louis laughed. "Now come on, lets get you to bed. It's two in the morning."
"Fuck," I laughed, "really?"
"Yeah," Louis said. He stood up on the bed and drug me towards the top, which made me giggle. "Get some sleep, pumkin."
"I thought you called me love," I said. Louis turned the light off and flopped onto the bed beside me.
"Does it matter that much what I call you?" Louis asked.
"Donno," I said, "but I like when you call me love. Goodnight, I love you," I mumbled sleepily, rolling into him.
The words slipped out of my mouth easily. Like my mouth thought it would be saying goodnight, I love you to him for the rest of my life.
"Goodnight," Louis whispered.
-
"Hey, wake up sleepy head," Louis whispered. I opened my eyes and blinked at him.
"What time is it?"
"5:00, the plane leaves at 6:00. We need to get to the airport," Louis said.
"My leg," I mumbled. Louis climbed out of bed and grabbed my leg while sat up. I scooted to the side and started putting my leg on. I stood up, got about two steps from the bed, and then fell to the ground. Louis caught me at the last second.
"Shit, you're still drunk," he mumbled.
He was right about that. I definitely didn't feel normal.
"I'm fine," I laughed. He pulled me into an upright position and I swayed back and forth. "I'm fine," I repeated.
"Let me call Niall, sit here," Louis said. I sat back down on the bed and looked up at him.
"What's up?" Niall asked.
"Mickey's still drunk," Louis said. Niall laughed from the other end of the phone.
"Can she walk?" Niall asked.
"Yes!" I shouted.
"Mickey, sh, people are asleep," Louis said softly, "no, she can't walk. She's like black out drunk."
"We're coming," Niall said. Louis ended the call. Two minutes later, Niall, Liam, and Zayn were walking into the hotel room. I waved. "Champagne?" Niall asked, amused.
"Tequila," I slurred.
"Oh, god," Niall laughed. He pulled me up from the bed and looked me over. "How do you feel?"
"I feel... pretty good," I said.
"I'm sure you do," Niall laughed. He wrapped my arm around his shoulder and put one of his around my waist. "I'm gonna help you walk, okay?"
"That's probably a good idea," I laughed. Liam came to my other side to hold me up, and Zayn grabbed my suitcase. "Wait," I said. I looked around the room.
"What are we waiting for?" Liam whispered to Zayn. He shrugged.
"Where is Harold?"
"He and Cassie are in the car," Liam said, "come on, lets get you down there."
"Kay," I laughed.
The boys helped me downstairs. I slid into the back seat with Harry and Cassie. The duo laughed as soon as they saw me.
"Jesus, darling. How much did Lou let you drink?"
"Like four shots," Louis said.
"Lightweight," Harry said playfully. I rolled my eyes and climbed over him, so I was between he and Cassie.
"Cassie," I said.
"Yes, babes?" Cassie asked, smiling amusedly.
"I feel weird," I said.
"That's alcohol, sweets. Try to get some sleep, sober up a bit more."
"If you say so," I said. I leaned my head onto Harry's shoulder.
-
"Just carry her?" Liam suggested.
"That's suspicious," Harry said.
"So is her stumbling drunk through the air port!" Louis laughed, nudging him.
"Say she rolled her ankle or something," Zayn said.
"Geez," Harry laughed.
"Well, mate, do you have a better idea?" Niall asked.
Harry groaned and then scooped me up bridal style. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked around.
We were on the tar mat, about 50 feet from the plane. The problem? The giant group of paparazzi waiting to get pictures of us.
Louis put my hood up.
"This is as good of a solution as we'll get," Louis said.
"Let's go, then," Niall said. Liam and Zayn walked in of us. Cassie, Niall and Louis walked on the side of Harry closest to the paparazzi, to try to keep me covered.
Harry walked quickly, looking down at me to make sure I was good.
I smiled up at him and closed my eyes.
-
"Wake up, Princess," Zayn said.
I scrunched my eyes together for a moment before I opened them. I put my hand in my forehead, as if it would help fix my pounding headache. "Fuck," I groaned. "Are we on a plane?"
"Yeah," Zayn said.
I sat up and looked around. The other boys were no where to be found, and the plane was on the ground. I looked back to Zayn for an explanation.
"They grabbed the bags, and told me to grab you. Oh yeah, and Cassie left so she could fly back to New York. How do you feel?" Zayn asked. He offered me his hand and pulled me up.
"I feel, like, bad," I laughed softly.
"That's a hangover," Zayn said. "Do you remember anything?"
I thought back to the night before.
I remember trying the tequila for the first time and not liking it, but after that? There was nothing until this morning.
What happened between Louis and I while I was drunk? What stupid things did I say?
"Not really, no," I said.
"The first time you drank you blacked out," Zayn laughed. He nudged me towards the door.
"My bag," I mumbled.
"Niall grabbed it. You're fine," Zayn said. I stepped out into the London sunshine. He offered me his sunglasses and I took them gratefully.
I climbed into the back of the SUV next to Louis and looked at him expectantly.
"What?" he asked.
"What the hell happened last night?"
"You discovered you like tequila," Louis said. "I didn't think about your tolerance being so low or else I would have cut you off sooner."
"I don't remember, like, anything," I laughed, "was I being wack?"
I watched Louis' smile drop for a moment, before he got it back. It was such a small thing that I probably shouldn't have even picked up on it. But I lived my whole life watching for small tells you tell me when someone's mood changed. So when Louis' smile faltered, I noticed.
"What did I do?" I laughed.
"Nothing," Louis said, "you were just, like, a normal drunk teenager. You talked too much, and kept wanting to walk around."
Liam started the car and we drove off from the air port.
"That's it? I didn't, like, say anything stupid?"
"No," Louis said.
"Good," I laughed.
"Darling," Harry said. I looked up to the row in front of us. Harry was offering me a water bottle. "Helps with the hang over," he said.
"Thanks," I said softly, taking the bottle from him.
"So, Mick, what did we learn?" Niall asked.
"We learned that I'm a lightweight and I should probably wait a few years to drink again so my body can handle it?" I said, raising my eyebrows. Niall held his hand out for a high five and I slapped it.
"That's the idea!" he laughed.
All six of us laughed.
The car ride back home seemed short. We carried our suitcases inside and I slipped off to my room. I turned the light off and laid in bed, scrolling through Twitter.
A thread popped up on my feed.
"Mickey and Louis: Undeniable Proof"
I scrolled through the thread.
Pictures of us laughing together, of us holding hands and hanging onto each other in crowds. A few gifs from when they performed Little Black Dress. Interview snapshots of us looking at each other. And finally, Louis calling me his person on Ellen and telling Liam to eat and avoid spilling anything in Spill Your Guts.
It was a long thread. By the time I got to the bottom I was smiling fondly, overcome by the memories. The pictures were of me falling in love.
I clicked out of the thread and turned my phone off. It's so fucking stupid, I thought. I just want to be with him.
Of course, that wasn't even an option anymore. Louis was out of reach. I needed something else in my life, something that wasn't about him, or the boys, or management.
Think, Mickey. What do normal teenagers do?
I reached for my laptop and opened it. My fingers typed eagerly and my eyes traced over the screen, reading the information I needed.
-
I slid down the banister and landed on both feet in the living room. Harry was watching something on the TV. He used to be surprised when I slid full speed down the railing at him, but at this point it was normal. He didn't even look up.
"Where's Niall?" I asked.
"It's Niall," Harry said. "Kitchen?"
"You're a genius," I laughed.
I padded into the kitchen, and found Niall with a bowl of cocoa puffs. "Niall," I said.
"McKenna," he said.
"Just hear me out for a minute, okay?" I asked, sitting across from him. He looked up from his food and gave me his full attention. "Liam told me I have no friends."
"What?" Niall laughed loudly. "That's what this is about?"
"No," I laughed "no, it's not that. Okay, think about it like this right? I don't have friends because I moved halfway across the world, away from everyone I know."
"So you don't have any friends?" Niall said.
"Exactly!"
"What do you want me to do about you not having friends?"
"Let me go to high school," I said.
Niall blinked at me.
"Why would you want to do that? I thought you already graduated because you did online school?"
"Yeah, no, I did already graduate. But the school a few blocks from here has college classes, so I could take some of those and get college credits for it," I reasoned.
"You want to go to college?" Niall asked.
"I'm just... keeping my options open," I said, "I love making music, but I don't know if I want to do it forever, you know?"
"Yeah," Niall said, "so you want to go to high school? Take college classes and make friends?"
"Yes," I said.
"I mean," he sighed. "yeah, I don't have a problem with it. Are you sure you won't be too busy with the album? I don't want you to overwork yourself, that didn't go well last time."
I thought back to staying in the hospital after I stopped eating.
"I'll be okay," I said. "So you're saying yes?"
"I don't see a problem with it," Niall said. I jumped up and ran around the island to him, pulling him into a hug.
"Thank you thank you thank you," I said excitedly. Niall hugged me back and laughed.
"Of course," he said. "I'll call tomorrow and figure it out, yeah?"
I pulled away from the hug and put a quick kiss on his temple. "I love you," I said quickly.
"I love you too," Niall said, turning back to his cereal.
As I walked back upstairs, I realized just how different everything really was.
In seven months, I went from being too scared to speak around the boys to being able to trust them enough to get drunk with them.
The old Mickey, as far as I was concerned, was far away.
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[little did i know, it wouldn't take much to send me spiraling right back into who i used to be.]