Okay so the harsh chapters are done! I mean there will be more drama and shit but it shouldnt be as scary lol. I hope you liked the previous chapters. But here is one a little elss intense.
Don't be mad at my lovely Cole, he is just a stupid fuck sometimes.
Happy reading hahaha
Cole's POV
"What were you two thinking?" Lacey stresses at us.
It was Monday, first day of exam week. Lunch.
She was mad.
We were sat facing her on the wall outside, she was just pacing back and forth in front of us.
"I finally had friends, that were girls, and you two, you two have fuck it up!"
"Lace-"
"No, honestly now they are going to hate you and by extension, me." She says angrily, walking back and forth in front of us.
"We are doing what's best for them." Lincoln says, this has all stemmed from me telling them that I was making shit worse for November, so I had to stay away from her.
"What is best for them is not your twos choice!"
"But-"
"No, stupid fucking men, thinking they have superior understanding over what is good for a fucking girl. Honestly I hate you both."
"I mean, Rosie and I broke up before-" Lincoln tries to defend himself but Lacey silences him with a glare.
I just raise an eyebrow at the fact he called her Rosie. And then I relax my face again, it was hurt.
"And you." She says glaring at me. Oh god.
"You, what the fuck happened to your face?"
"I told you-"
"You lied, what the fuck did you do?" She says.
After I went home, Brandon cleared my up but the bruising over my ribs meant that he took me to A&E that afternoon.
Was a fun little outing.
Nothing was broken, apparently. I am not quite sure. Hurts like a bitch.
And my face looks like he won.
He didn't.
"Nothing-"
"He fought one of the Vix's." Lincoln says, and I look at him surprised. I thought it was us against her but okay.
"You fought a fucking Vix?" Lacey exclaims. And then she slaps me round the top of the head. "You are so fucking stupid, honestly Cole, if you tell me you are back doing that shit then I will-"
I wanna ask her what she is going to do. But I press my lips together to conceal my amusement. Lacey like this, was my favourite Lace.
"I am not caught up in it again don't worry." I reassure her."Look, November loves you Lace. That wont change just because we aren't seeing each other anymore."
She huffs.
"I hate you both."
"I am sorry." I laugh a little and she jumps up on the wall next to me.
"Honestly though your face is like disgusting."
"Lace." I laugh and wince as my ribs fucking hate laughter.
"Yeah mate, you look a mess." Linc says.
"Don't, I had trouble getting into my exam because of my ID." I say and they both look at each other in amusement.
"Have you talked to Rose?" I ask Linc, I shouldn't be curious about November but I am.
"Yeah, some shit went down with Nova and so Rose ended up staying at mine Sunday night." He admits to us.
"She stayed at yours?" Lacey asks at the same time as I furrow my eyebrows.
"What happened with November?" I say.
He looks between us.
"Um, I don't know Rose wouldn't actually say, she was just like upset and yeah, okay I know we aren't together anymore but she needed me. I wasn't exactly going to say no. And I didn't want to say no." He mumbles this last part.
To be quite honest I couldn't care less about him and Rose drama.
He is confused, you can read that on his face from a mile away. Rose deserves better than someone who is confused.
But what the fuck happened with November.
Rose wouldn't have just left her.
"No Linc, what did Rose say about Nova? They were supposed to be staying there." I say.
"Um." He looks at me confused. "Neither of them stayed there Sunday, Rose said Sage was at James. She didn't want to be alone. And I know that Rose and Sage slept at Rose's on Saturday."
Why do I feel fucking sick?
"Then who the hell is staying with Nova?"
"She's a big girl, she lives on her own." Lace laughs and I just send her a panicked look.
This shit was making my heart pound, what the fuck?
I lower myself of the wall. Carefully. Because Yuen knows how to throw a punch, I will give him that.
"I am going to go talk to them. Is Nove at school today? Have yous seen her?"
They shake their heads.
So I turn.
"This isn't staying away-" Linc calls after me and I just go searching for Sage or Rose.
Talking to her friends, to know if she was okay, isn't going to hurt her. I know I have to stay away, but that doesn't mean that I don't care about her.
I want to know If she is okay.
Need, more like.
You know who I have also been avoiding? Ivy. Because she hates violence, and so I have been avoiding calling her because she always fucking turns it to facetime and well.
She would literally hate me if she knew what I did to that guy, even though he is a fucking psycho. That wouldn't matter.
I walk through the cafeteria doors and I can feel eyes on me. A lot of them. I suppose I am like fucking battered.
You know, Mr Skinner had a field day with this. He had to come down to the exam this morning to clarify that I was who I said I was.
He was waiting for me after.
Amused at my face.
I see Sage and Rose immediately; they had left Nova's chair empty and I still feel sick. Like super sick to my stomach and I don't know why.
Walking towards them, Rose is scanning my face and Sage is already packing her shit up to leave.
"Is she okay?" I ask lowly, my voice only audible to them.
"Cole are you okay?" Rose gasps as she gets a closer look of my face.
"Yeah, fight. It's fine. Nova?"
"Rose." Sage says warningly and I roll my eyes at her.
"Sage, I am not putting up with your shit. Tell me what the hell happened."
"How do you know something happened?" Rose says and I sit down across from them.
"Because yous aren't stupid enough to leave her. And Linc said you stayed at his last night."
Sage gasps. "Rose! You slept with Linc?"
"It was an accident?" Rose says awkwardly and I clench my fists impatiently.
Linc didn't say anything about them actually doing shit.
Fuck sake.
"Nova?" I grit, bringing their attention back to me.
"She knows you are going to stay away from her, I told her what I said to you, that I took it back. I told her you still were being a twat and sticking to leaving her."
I blink at Sage.
What the fuck was I supposed to say to that.
"Is she at home?"
"Sh-" Rose starts and Sage glares at her.
"Rose." Sage warns and Rosie just rolls her eyes.
"Her mania got worse." Rose says and I tense a little.
"Rose she said-" Sage starts and Rose just looks between us and sighs.
"Sage him staying away is your fault, I am sorry, but it just is. Well our fault because he thinks that her breakdown was because of him and we know it literally wasn't. So may as well tell him-"
"It's not our place to tell him about her though."
"She said we could tell him she's in hospital." Rose says and Sage just shakes her head at Rose.
"What?" I say. Hospital? Panic is what I am feeling, I don't remember feeling this way in a while, not since I was told about my friends.
This fucking domestic in front of me is so unnecessary.
Why was everyone so caught up in their own shit?
Just tell me if Nova is okay.
Well obviously she fucking isnt.
What the hell.
Sage gets up and just walks away from Rose and me, Rose just sighs.
Turning back to me she gives me a soft smile. "Cole are you serious about staying-"
"That honestly doesn't matter, what happened Rose? Where is she?"
"Just what I said, she became dangerous and we had to call for help."
"Dangerous?"
Rose shivers and my eyes widen at that. What the hell happened? "She just wasn't okay, she ended up in hospital and they sectioned her. She wont be in hospital for that long probably, hopefully."
You ever just feel utterly confused? Like when things are just not making sense, but you know they do, it's just that you don't know enough to make them make sense.
"I- has this happened before? Is she okay? Hospital?"
"Shh." Rose says and I rub my forehead in utter exhaustion.
The exam was long, pain is annoying and now my whole body feels as if it craves to go and find November and see her.
I need to see her and I clench my bruised fists at that. I need to stay away from her, I was bad for her.
"This is the first time she has um, been forced into hospital yeah. But she's fine, pretty happy to be honest. But that is the mania. We are going to see her this afternoon, if you want to come?"
"No." I say immediately.
"Cole." Rose's voice turns cold and I just sigh.
"Look, I just, I can't."
"I can't believe this freaks you out so much. Like okay I guess we are desensitised to it, but we really thought you cared for her, I can't believe now that you know that you don't want her anymore."
Is that what she fucking thinks?
"Rose I care about her so much." I say quietly. "But I think back over the last months, I don't remember her taking her medication with me around, and I was there all last week. She used to go to therapy every Wednesday and I would meet her after, but that stopped and I didn't even think about it."
Rose is shaking her head at me but I continue. "If I wasn't constantly round there, wanting her to be with me, then you guys would have been there you would have picked up on things, before it got that bad. Look I literally had to remind her to eat, to drink, to shower all last week. How did I think that was normal? I just thought she was so focused, I thought it was fucking cute Rose! If I just left her alone you guys would have been there and you would have noticed."
"Cole we noticed anyway, there's not much we could do." She says and I just shake my head. I don't believe that.
I believe what they said about me. About us.
She needed stability; I was not that.
"Just, will you tell her I am sorry? That it's not because I don't care about her?"
"No I wont tell her that." She says.
"Rose."
"If you want to defend your actions, go and see her."
"Rose..."
"I am serious Cole. You are delusional. I know that Sage said that it was your fault but it was only because she was stressed, and angry that you said we weren't doing enough. Nova has an illness, it is not anything to do with you. You thinking it is, is just arrogant, self-centred. And if that is how you think then I am not going to tell my best friend that, she is better off without you."
"That is what I am saying. That she is better off without me." I tell her.
Rose, my sweet Rose just rubs her forehead in frustration with me.
"You are actually pretty stupid."
"What-"
"Nova thinks you left because found out how unwell she gets."
Fuck.
I did fucking say I wouldn't do that. That I wouldn't leave. And I meant it, but I care too fucking much about her to stay around when I knew that I was making it worse for her.
I am an idiot.
But I just, I need to keep her safe.
"She needs-" I start and Rose just starts packing her bag up so I pause.
"Rose."
"No Cole, I hope your face gets better." She says and goes to leave.
"Why are you walking away?" I ask in confusion, following her out of the cafeteria.
"Because guys like you think it is okay to decide what someone needs and what they don't. And that is not okay with me, and I am not a confrontational person, so I am just leaving."
I pause.
Two girls have said that to me today.
I shake my head and feel myself getting annoyed.
Because what is the difference here?
"You two have literally been trying to decide for November what is best for her ever since I fucking came into her life. You two should be happy that I am staying away! I don't get it."
She turns around, we were in the corridor now. I had followed her out and Rose just rubs her cheeks.
"Yes you are right." She says. "But we were wrong to think that way, we realise that now. So you should realise that too. But the difference is that we know her, we knew something was wrong and we shouldn't have assumed that it had anything to do with you. You were helping her and now you are just going to leave her at her-" Rose's voice just dwindles out. "You know what Cole, just do it. It's fine."
"Rose." I groan. I felt so fucking conflicted.
I am not stupid, I hear what she is saying. But there is no way I can see myself being anything but a stress in her life.
She literally said it all the time.
'You are stressing me out.'
I would just do whatever, say whatever. I would smile when she said that, I thought she might have been close to actually catching feelings back. I didn't realise she was so close to the edge of something.
"Just leave us all alone. If you are going to abandon Nova, then you don't get to just check in with us."
I raise my eyebrows at Rose. If she was talking this way to anyone else I would have been proud of her, but she was saying this shit to me.
"Rose I need to know if she is okay."
"She is in hospital!" Rose exclaims, and I just stare at her shocked. She actually raised her voice. "Of course she isn't okay. But you are losing the right to ask about her Cole so just leave me alone."
"You are telling me that you won't tell me how she is if I ask?"
"That is exactly what I am saying."
What the hell?
"Then go." I grit and Rose spins around on her heels and storms away from me.
Fucking drama.
They don't get to leverage information about whether Nova is okay or not.
Why cant they understand I am doing this because I care about her so much?
I have always been selfish, I was trying not to be.
This shit was confusing.
I literally don't know what is right and what is wrong in this situation.
All I know is that I haven't seen her since Friday morning and I fucking miss her.
A lot.
How ridiculous is that?
Two days later: November's POV.
Drugs are weird.
Because I don't really know if they are working, but I also think they are.
Don't worry I am actually talking about medication that was prescribed to me.
It's been a few days since I was transferred here. It was not Wednesday. I was actually pretty settled already.
They aren't too bad these people, the mental health nurses and hospital managers have actually been really kind to me.
Or I just am loving on them due to the combination of mania and antipsychotic medications.
That's how they treat acute mania. It's chill.
I am chill.
Well, I am still shaking a lot. And my thoughts are still going a little too fucking fast for me to grasp onto sometimes.
But I am a lot more lucid. I know what is going on. I get why they sectioned me.
Which is an improvement.
"Nova, are you having any side effects to the medication?" Dr Thompson says.
She was the actual professional psychiatrist that works here, she does one to one sessions with everyone every two days and she does a group session.
I don't have to go to the group session, because she didn't think It would help.
"Not yet. I was sick last night though but I think that was because I couldn't stop bouncing my leg and it messed with my stomach."
"The medication should calm your shakiness soon." She says and I nod.
Hopefully.
It was a little sickening.
"Can you tell me what you think led you to being here?"
"It's all in my files." I say, nodding to her desk.
"Of course it is, but we need you to recognise things yourself."
"So I can stop it before it gets this bad again?" I ask and she smiles.
I have done a lot of thinking.
I could have helped myself a lot more than I did. I think it's just because this one was the first one in so long, that I just spiralled.
"Okay so um, I woke up Saturday evening and my mania had progressed so much so that i wasn't sure what was going on. Or well I was sure, but what I was sure of wasn't reality. And I had some fucked obsession with heaven and hell. I thought I was talking to my abusive ex and he told me the only way to get rid of him was to burn us. And so I tried. And then Rose, my friend, knocked me out and that is when the police and ambulance came to bring me to a safe space."
She nods, as if I got it right. If you asked me that even yesterday, I probably would have said that I was being attacked or something. I don't get that, why is it when you are manic you suddenly feel everyone is against you?
It's so weird.
"Can you tell me what happened to lead you to that head space? Do you know what I mean?"
"You mean why I let it get so bad?" I ask and she smiles but frowns a little at the guilt that heavily laced through my voice.
"November your illness is not your fault, but I am curious, we usually see this level of progression in someone who is experiencing mania for the first time, not someone who has been treated for it before. Like it says in your notes that you went to A&E before and they gave you medication and you were able to go home safely. What happened this time?"
"Do you know about how I medicated myself, for the depressive epidoe?" I ask and she shakes her head.
"Can you explain that to me?"
"I um, I got out of an abusive relationship a month after I turned seventeen. And I don't just mean I got away from my boyfriend. I got away from a totally, utterly toxic environment. I got away from friends that were into drugs, my brother, my mother. All of which were unhealthy relationships." I tell her and she nods.
"And since then I was doing so well, for over a year I hadn't seen them, I had my routines, I had my friends, I went to therapy, took my medication."
Dr Thompson nods at me, her bobbed hair moved slightly. She had grey hair, but it looked silver, coloured.
It looked nice.
"Did something change?"
"I um, at the same time Tristan lowered my medication, I started to bump into people, my mum was trying to get contact with me, my ex boyfriend found out where I lived and I think I just got really really stressed."
"Oh okay." She agrees.
"The medication allowed me to feel, and I have had some of the happiest moments over the last couple of months. But also, it allowed me to feel the fear when I saw my brother and my ex again, I was reminded of things that happened in my past." I say remembering Ryan and Zane's name on Cole's chest. "I felt the pain all over again and I think it sent me into a low."
"Yeah, that can sometimes happen." She says.
"Yeah I know, and then my brother brought me my old medication because I was so scared that I was going to hurt myself. Like every time I closed my eyes another way would pop up in my head and I tried riding the fucking waves or whatever I am supposed to do when I get the urges but I was just so scared. So I medicated myself, I knew that the antidepressants could trigger mania but I thought I wanted that instead."
"Okay I see what happened." She says and then she closes her book.
"Tell me why you were so scared Nova?"
"I just, it had been a year since I felt that way."
"Yeah?"
"A year of finally figuring out that I want to live, of getting happy, especially when I was making new friends and letting new people into my life. And then suddenly I was feeling this way and I knew that there were so many more people I could hurt if I hurt myself now and It just scared me."
"I feel-" She says. "That the fact you were so scared actually shows the progress you have made."
"What?" I ask.
"Letting people in, after experiencing toxic, abusive relationships in all aspects of your life is utterly terrifying itself. So for you to be able to do that is so good." Her voice is encouraging, and part of me feels embarrassed.
Part of me knows I need to hear this. "And being scared is so understandable. Depression is scary, mania is terrifying. I have experienced both." She shares with me. "I still get scared if I start feeling it start, but that is when I get help. When I feel fear."
It isn't unusual for counsellors themselves to have experienced similar things to patients, however they don't normally tell us this. I like her.
"I, I just forgot what they felt like. I didn't really know what was happening and then when I did know I was just terrified that I wasn't going to be able to beat it."
"Did you feel like this before? Through your rapid cycling years?"
She is looking through my notes again, through the ages of 15-17. There aren't many notes because I wasn't allowed to go get help often. But Tristan has summarised what happened through my own words.
"No, I wasn't ever scared. I just, I felt the same way, the way I felt didn't change just the way I felt about it. Does that make sense? If I felt mania coming on I would just be like well okay, another episode. The same with depression, honestly I would just go to my boyfriend and he would get me something to lessen the pain."
"Okay so that makes sense why you tried to do that this time. But also, don't you see how fear is such a positive change to how you were feeling? Fear is like saying, no, I don't want to feel this way."
"I was scared because I didn't want to die, not really, whereas the other times, I didn't really mind if it got so bad that I didn't survive."
She smiles then.
"Listen to that sentence back." She says. "Nova, I know you see this as a set back. I get that. But I believe it isn't. Yes, okay things got really really bad."
I nod.
I almost killed myself and Rose. You can say that again.
Oh and the fucking kids underneath us.
Jesus.
"But, it was because you hadn't had a episode in a year and it was because you saw people again that you associate with so much pain, anyone could have had a breakdown because of that. You want to live don't you?" She asks and for the first time since I got into hospital I admitted that I do.
"Yeah..."
"Then are you happy to work with us? Get you properly medicated, set up crisis plans, set up exact protocols for you to do when you start to feel scared. To remind you to talk to Tristan, to your other care providers."
"Okay." I nod.
Because I knew the warning signs now. I remembered them.
I knew I should have taken seeing Yuen more seriously than I did. I mean I talked about it. But I should have then done preventative things.
I shouldn't have let myself slip.
And sometimes I know I cant control that. I remember when I was so low, I remember laughing at myself that I would never be able to ask for help. But I refuse to accept that, all I can do is at least work with them and try to find a way that means when this happens again, and it will happen again, I am more prepared, I am safer. I don't let fear cloud my judgement.
I am also a little manic right now so the motivation to better myself may be multiplied by a hundred. But I want to be better.
I want to do this.
For my friends. So they don't have to go through that again, they may need to help me again but I mean, I don't want to ever be a danger to them again.
I need to figure out how to get myself help before it escalates this far again.
So I will do this for them.
And for me.
Because I deserve to live.
And I deserve to be happy.
We just need a lotta help along the way.
I love Rose lmao, she is so pure but like she had a voice and i like that. And i love Lacey. Are you guys annoyed with Cole?
And how do you feel about November?