Sirius froze. Not that he'd been exactly active a moment ago, but now he rather felt like his blood might have stopped flowing. He'd definitely stopped breathing, that was for sure.
I was hoping we could talk. How many times had he tried to get himself to say those exact words to her, to actually be honest instead of... well it wasn't lying. But it wasn't honesty either. He'd been avoiding having this conversation in case he accidentally pressed her before she was ready. In case he messed something up.
And now here she was, standing in front of him with her face forcibly still and her fingers pulling on the ends of her sleeves in her familiar nervous gesture. Sirius didn't know what to say or what to think. Partly because he didn't know what she planned on saying. Was she going to tell him to back off? He hadn't been exactly shy with her lately, but she'd also given no indication that she hadn't liked the little gestures he'd offered.
She'd offered them right back, actually. Ever since the graduation party at the Potter house, he and Lavinia had been... something. He didn't know what to call it and the one time he'd had the courage to ask, she simply hadn't answered. And then of course she'd gotten that first letter from Regulus and everyone had gotten rather distracted.
He couldn't blame her for that, though. He didn't know exactly what she had felt for Regulus or what she currently felt. He knew what that stupid picture on the mantle looked like and every time he saw it he felt the sting of jealousy. But he'd put it up there for her and he wasn't going to take it down because what he'd told her when he'd first framed it was true: they needed more of Lavinia in this house. This was her home too.
If he was honest, he both loved and hated that picture. He loved it because Lavinia looked so happy in it. She looked at ease and content and so many things he so rarely saw in her. And he hated it because it reminded him why she always hesitated. Why she always stepped back or looked away. And it reminded him of his brother. His family. He knew Lavinia wouldn't have approved, knew she would have had him offer Regulus a second chance, but he didn't care. His biological mother and father and brother weren't his family. Not anymore. And though where Regulus was concerned, it was a bit more complicated, the fact remained that Regulus had chosen his path. And Sirius wanted nothing to do with it. It was better to just disown them all. So he had. And he stood by that.
He'd chosen his family and he wouldn't go back for anything. He'd chosen his parents in Mr. and Mrs. Potter who had offered him love and kindness and a place to call home when his own parents couldn't have cared less. He'd chosen a brother in James, who would always have his back. Who was never going away.
He'd never told Lavinia any of this. He didn't mention it on the rare occasions when Regulus came into their conversations. He knew it was just begging for an argument and it wasn't one he wanted to have. He knew also that Lavinia was careful about her mentions of his brother, knew that the few times his name slipped out of her thoughts and onto her tongue it was the result of a frankly overcrowded head so he didn't mention anything then either.
Just like he hadn't mentioned anything when she'd started holding his hand out of the blue. It had been both wonderful and painful, really. On the one hand, he would take any little touch he could get. When her fingers wrapped in his, it felt like warmth and contentment and belonging. It felt like finally.
But it also came with the knowledge that it wasn't formal or official and no promises had been made and when she dropped his hand, it hurt more than if she'd never held it to begin with. He knew she didn't mean to lead him on, knew that her mixed signals weren't her being malicious or playing with him but rather reflections of her own indecision and confusion. Her own fear.
So he'd made no secret of his feelings for her, though he hadn't ever said them aloud either. And he'd waited for her to come to him. Waited for her to be ready.
And now she was standing in front of him looking like she thought she might have just made a terrible mistake. He could only hope she didn't think that by the time this conversation was over.
He sat up, his previous exhaustion now utterly forgotten and watched her as her eyes darted around the room, looking everywhere but at him. This, he had noticed, was another nervous habit or hers.
"Of course we can talk," he told her carefully, trying to sound as gentle as possible. Lavinia expressing herself and being genuinely open was rare. And he suspected it was far from easy for her. So he did his best to make his reaction as gentle and understanding as possible.
"I..." She trailed off and hummed for a moment, her eyes flicking to him briefly and fingers working furiously at her sleeves. "I got some advice today," she began again. "From Mr. Hayes, my head healer."
Sirius suppressed a frown as her eyes flicked to him again. That was not at all what he'd expected her to say. A moment ago, he'd thought he'd had a pretty good guess where this was going, but now... What did her boss have to do with it? Then again, he supposed there was nothing for it but to wait and see.
"He told me I need to stop living my life like it's an exam," she continued. "Like there's a right answer and only one way to make things work out."
She sighed and glanced at him again and part of him wanted to tell her to just look at him. To say this to his face. But he also knew that she was probably panicking enough right now and that wouldn't help anyone.
Regardless, Mr. Hayes seemed to be rather insightful. Lavinia, he knew, was constantly striving for perfection. Everything could always be better and nothing was ever quite enough. It could be rather frustrating, actually, because trying to get her to recognize and take pride in the progress she had made was about as easy as herding owls.
As aggravating as it sometimes was, he understood why. She came from a world and a family that demanded perfection. That had told her time and time again that her achievements, her progress, was not enough. That she was not enough. And those words had stuck.
"And I never thought about it before," Lavinia was now continuing, "but he's right. I've spent my whole life afraid of giving the wrong answer because... because there always was a right one. In school or from my family... there was a right way to do things. And if I didn't do it, then I got punished."
She sighed and her fingers paused their fidgeting for a moment. "And I've still been acting that way. I've still been pretending there's some perfect way to go through life, some perfect answer to every problem and... Well. There's not." She added this last bit rather drily and sniffed a bit.
"And with you," she went on, and Sirius's stomach did a rather uncomfortable backflip. "With you, I've been waiting for some perfect moment, thinking there's a right way. Thinking I just don't have the right answer yet. For myself or for you. And it's stupid because I've spent more than a month knowing I was probably as ready as I was ever going to be, but I hesitated because... because I wasn't perfect. And I was afraid that anything less than perfect wouldn't be enough."
She sighed and this time her eyes landed on him and stayed there and they were soft and a little bit sad and he wanted so desperately to tell her that she had always been enough. That she always would be. That she didn't need to be perfect, now or ever. But she wasn't done, so he waited.
"I know that's just a long winded way to say I finally had a realization I should have had a while ago. And I'll probably forget all about it tomorrow and wake up afraid anyway, but... But I'm less afraid when I'm with you. I'm less afraid of being wrong and less afraid of the world and less afraid of myself. I feel safe and as close to happy as I think I've ever been." She paused and took a deep breath as she looked down for a minute. "And maybe it's not enough. Maybe it doesn't work out and it all falls apart but... But it's not fair to either of us if we don't give it a shot."
Again her eyes flicked away, this time to the side of the room where the mantle and all their photographs were and Sirius knew she was thinking of Regulus, knew she was remembering the shot she hadn't gotten. Knew she was regretting the what ifs she'd left behind. And if he was honest, that stung slightly, for all he knew it was inevitable. He couldn't well ask her to forget her past or forget his brother because Regulus was her friend and that would have been selfish. And frankly, he trusted her not to be saying these things if she was still holding onto him. He trusted her to have enough self awareness to realize how poorly that would go. Actually, he thought Lavinia might know herself better than most if only because she'd spent so much time stuck in her own head.
Sirius was about to open his mouth to speak, when Lavinia held up a finger and continued, "And for the record, I don't actually know what I'm asking for. I don't want to move fast and I don't want to jump in the deep end or anything like that but I... I think I want you as more than a friend. If... If you're willing."
His heart had soared and was flying somewhere out of his body. Everything was light and bright and how long had he waited for this? Foolishly perhaps, but he'd waited. And now... she wanted him. He though his heart might be doing cartwheels, but he wasn't paying much attention because she was here in front of him and... and finally. Finally.
Then, Lavinia topped her words off with a look of such complete confusion that Sirius couldn't help but smile a bit. "Good, because I had no idea what you were asking for either," he quipped, grinning slightly. But his expression quickly softened as he watched her for a moment and he sighed, his shoulders dropping slightly.
"Vin," he murmured, then paused, trying to pull his thoughts into something coherent. "Is it weird to just say yes?" She gave a strange little giggle that might also have been a sob and covered her mouth with one hand.
"Look," he continued, more seriously. "I can't top that. You've given a big fancy speech and I'm not going to be nearly that eloquent, but I'll have a go anyway. I've cared about you for a while now. I knew you when we were kids at those god awful parties." He pulled a face to emphasize this point and Lavinia gave another little laugh. "I knew you when we started school and hated each other's guts. And I knew you when things started changing. I've been your friend - or something like it - for almost two years now and I don't actually know when I started caring more. But I did. And we both know I'm bad at being subtle, so you probably figured that out pretty quickly." Lavinia gave a little snort at that, which he took to be an agreement. "And I'm sorry I wasn't honest before, but I'm bringing it up now because I want you to know that you've been more than enough for a long time. And yes, I know you're not perfect. And I don't need you to be. Hell, I don't want you to be perfect because that wouldn't be you. And I like you, complete with all the imperfections. So yes, I'll give this a shot. Whatever the hell this is," he added a bit sardonically.
Again, Lavinia made that strange noise and he frowned at her. "Are you seriously crying?" he asked, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice.
"No," she whispered, though the tightness in her voice gave her away.
"Come here," he said, holding his arms out to her and rolling his eyes a bit. And she came. She sat down next to him and pulled her feet up onto the couch, curling closer as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. He felt warmth blooming in his core as she leaned against him, her hair tickling his hand.
"It's happy tears," she murmured, wiping her eyes rather impatiently. "And relief. Merlin I was terrified," she added laughing a bit.
Sirius sniffed and shook his head a little bit, both relieved and amused and wildly, endlessly happy. And when her tears dried and she turned her face up towards his, the look in her eyes made fireworks go off in his soul.
"Are you going to laugh at me this time?" he asked quietly, smiling down at her.
She sniffed, then smirked. "Depends," she returned, and Merlin, she was so beautiful like that, looking like she was already halfway to laughing and practically daring him to kiss her.
So he did.
It was like lightning in his head and his heart and everything in the world seemed to narrow down to the feeling of her lips on his and her hand in his hair. Her warmth felt so good against him. So right. And he didn't care what he'd said: this was perfect.
A/N: It finally happened!!!! This was very satisfying to write. But also I'm terrible at romance cause ya girl is not a romantic person. I'm a 'hi, I like you better than everyone else so let's just be super good friends and judge the world together' kind of girlfriend. It's good. So I'm doing my best here, people and will be the first to admit I'm out of my element.
In other news, my mom came across me writing and started asking questions. Which was cool. It started fine, you know. What are you writing? (fanfiction, don't judge me) What's the plot? (good question. character development maybe?) What's the marauder's era? (I can't believe I'm explaining this to my mom, but okay). And then it got a little uncomfortable like: Where are you publishing this? (on a fanfiction site?) Is it under your name or a username? (username) If I wanted to read it where would I go? (nowhere. No place. Not published. Did I say it was? Oops.) Now, I was hedging a lot before this last question but my mom, bless her, is like the rest of my family: terrible at reading people, so I don't think she noticed. I just... I don't want my mom reading this? Not least because I complain about her, lol. But also because I'm not sure how comfortable she ever got with the whole depression, harming shit. Like, that's between me, my therapist, and internet strangers. My mom is not where I go to talk about these things. So that was an incredibly awkward conversation and I really really hope she doesn't find this. She doesn't know the title. Or the site name. But she does know my general username for stuff? So she might get there? Idk, this just mildly freaks me out. My writing is my personal stuff and my author's notes are even more my personal stuff and sharing it with my mom, who will then ask questions about it is so so different from sharing it with readers, who get it and who I will never have to see in real life. Makes it easier lol. So that's my latest source of anxiety: my mom reading this. Cause we needed more.
Actually, positive thing that happened today: I bought my own silverware. I feel so fucking adult. Mind, it's an individual set that's just one of everything and it's rainbow metal so like... not the most adult thing ever. But also, counterpoint: I have my own silverware now. It's mine and I own it and I don't know why but I'm proud of me for this.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!