This wasn't supposed to happen.
My wife wasn't supposed to be so disgusted with me that she can't look me in the eyes anymore. I was the one person who wasn't supposed to cause her pain. Yet, I could see it in her face that this was the last place she wanted to be. Alone. In the kitchen. With me. She had moved and huddled at the counter near the sink, while I stayed on the other side of the kitchen by the table. The fact that she kept distancing herself from me only worsened the tightening happening in my chest. It was filled with guilt and desperation. More guilt and desperation than I knew what to do with.
She hates me.
I was shuffling on my feet, felt my palms beginning to clam up as I searched my mind for what to say. This was the first time I was left alone with her and she didn't go running in the other direction.
Not like she had much of a choice
Paige had returned shortly after going upstairs to get her toy and when she came back Ryan had suggested they go to the backyard and play. I saw Martha look at him, pleading with her eyes for him not to leave but he whispered something in her ear and left.
I scoffed to myself as I watched their encounter. Who would have thought? One wrong move and this guy was back in our lives.
As I took in her body language, I realized she was just as bad as me. Except instead of guilt and desperation, I saw pure pain and suffering written all over her face. She had her hands in her back pockets, her eyes were anywhere but me, and she held her bottom lip between her teeth. That was a nervous tick of hers. I couldn't help but remember all the times that I would tease her and it would cause her to become flustered. She would continuously bite her lip and look up at me with that innocent look in her eyes, but this wasn't one of those times.
"Martha, I am... so sorry."
She can't even look at me. I can't even look at myself anymore.
I swallowed hard as I tried to form my next set of words, "I know I hurt you and I can't begin to tell you how much I wish I didn't. If I could take it all back I wou—"
"What's her name?" She said softly.
My breath hitched at her question, "Wha- What?".
"What's her name?" she started to sound more impatient.
"I- That doesn't matter-"
Her eyes snapped to mine, "Jonathan, this is the woman that you threw a decade worth of a relationship away for, I want to know her damn name!".
She was right, Martha had every right to but I knew the minute I said it, it would become more real, solidifying my betrayal. That I was bringing more life to my indiscretion than I already have. "Jackie," I said in almost a whisper but I knew she still heard me. Her eyes were becoming so glassy I could see my reflection perfectly. Martha quickly turned around and leaned against the counter so I wouldn't see her cry.
As I stood there listening to her sniffles, I couldn't help but want to reach out and hold her. Thinking better of it, I stood there and continued to listen to what I caused until a shaky breath came out of her as she gathered herself.
"Jackie?" she turned and had a confused look on her face, she glanced up at me and her eyes widened with revelation. "Jackie? As in the paralegal that was assigned to you, Jackie!"
To answer the unasked question...yes I was stupid enough to cheat with someone my wife knew. Fuck, I was stupid enough to cheat period.
"Um, Ye- Yes." I nodded watching her carefully.
She started chuckling, "I am so stupid". Martha shook her head in disbelief as her pointer and thumb pinched the bridge of her nose.
Is she laughing? I continued to stare at her with concern but also a little fear. A few days ago she wasn't laughing, she was channeling all her anger and lashing out. But now she's laughing and for some reason that's way more concerning. "Wow, Oh My God."
"You're. Laughing?" I said cautiously.
Martha started looking at me again, still chuckling, "That's rich. Like really fucking rich."
She was shaking her head as the chuckles here and there started to sound forced as she looked at me. The creases in her forehead were becoming more prominent as she narrowed her eyes on me.
"This is the same bitch that was here, for the company party we hosted a few months ago. She was in my damn house!"
And there's the anger.
"Oh my god." I heard the break in her voice as something else surfaced in her mind, "I brought Paige to your job for Bring Your Child to Work Day. You got so busy that you said 'Jackie won't mind showing her around and hanging out with her.'" Her imitation of me made me sound like an idiot.
I am an idiot.
"You let that bitch touch my daughter!"
My eyes widened as I saw her take one of the mugs from the sink and throw it at me. I ducked and saw her finding more items. "Okay, Martha just calm ⸺."
"Don't you dare. You piece of shit", she threw another coffee mug.
I began trying to dodge her aim, which was hard by the way. We started circling the kitchen keeping a distance. After every sentence or few words, she would throw more shit aiming for my head. "I mean what did you think was going to happen?"...mug to the wall..."You let her come in here,"...fork & knives..."bond with Paige,"...a fucking plate..."you really had me fucking fooled" Martha immediately opened the drawer she was closest to and pulled out a metal ladle. I moved, making it hit my shoulder instead.
Ow Fuck!