In a fashion that Lavinia supposed was utterly predictable of her, she didn't talk to Sirius that day, in part because she was still annoyed with him and in part because it felt selfish to take anything away from the joy of Lily and James's announcement. And Sirius of all people was particularly pleased for his friends. Lavinia supposed he'd been rooting for them for years now and was overjoyed that his best friend was happy.
Lavinia didn't talk to him the next day either, because by then it felt weird and awkward, especially since she'd had to bring up the meeting issue again. She knew they hadn't meant to be rude. The reality was that she was sensitive about the Order, something she knew she needed to work on and they hadn't wanted to disrupt her day. Which was misguided, obviously, but they had done it thinking they could keep her from hurting or worrying.
The next day she told herself she didn't have a good moment because she wanted the conversation to be perfect. The next thing she knew October was wrapping up and she still hadn't said a word. She'd thought about it, multiple times, but the words always got stuck, the moment was never right and the fear always got in the way.
She knew she was being silly, knew she was holding onto things that were better let go, but she didn't know how to release them. She didn't know how to not feel her heart drop out of her chest any time her sleeve so much as slipped. She didn't know how to not jump at loud noises and run from the stress. She didn't know how to make herself be better for him. She didn't know how to be brave.
In the meantime, however, Lavinia became closer with Miriam Strout. Not really in a friends kind of way because if Lavinia was honest she didn't know if she would ever be able to be true friends with someone like Strout because she was just... a lot. And frankly, Lavinia didn't always have the energy to handle her. But they ate lunch together and often left work together and it was nice to have just a casual acquaintance at the hospital.
Also at work, Lavinia met the other healers in her ward and discovered that both were almost exactly as Robert Hayes had described them for all that he hadn't used many words or gone into great detail.
Lavinia's first thought upon meeting Bertie Campbell was that no one had ever suited their name as much as Bertie - who insisted on being called by his first name, just like Mr. Hayes - suited his. Lavinia still couldn't bring herself to think of Mr. Hayes as Robert, but Bertie simply seemed like the right thing to call her older coworker.
He was a wizened old man whose back was a bit hunched and whose hair had been reduced to white wisps surrounding a shiny bald patch on the top of his head. He had shaken Lavinia's hand with an enthusiasm that belied his advanced age and had proceeded to tell her how lovely it was to see younger faces around here. Lavinia rather thought that he and Strout would get along swimmingly.
Elias Mitchell also fit his description almost painfully well. Lavinia saw him only a few times, usually at the very beginning or end of her shift because apparently he often volunteered for the night shift. Mitchell couldn't have been much more than four or five years older than Lavinia and he gave off the air of someone who didn't really want to be talked to. When Mr. Hayes had introduced them, the young man had stuck out his hand, shook her's once and moved on with his life without so much as a word of welcome. Lavinia had done her best not to be offended and had been aided in this endeavor by his complete lack of greeting for his boss as well. Mr. Hayes didn't seem remotely bothered by it, so Lavinia decided not to read into the encounter.
Training in the ward was fascinating to Lavinia, and not least because it was thrilling to her to be finally actually doing something with her life. Mr. Hayes insisted on always getting her input, on making sure she understood why certain treatments might work and others wouldn't. And he seemed to genuinely value her input.
At first, Lavinia had hedged on almost everything. She had answered indecisively or uncertainly because part of her was convinced he was quizzing her and if she failed, he would kick her out. It wasn't that he had ever given her that impression at all, but rather that that was simply the way Lavinia had known the adults in her life to operate. She'd had teachers who controlled her grades and her parents, who had controlled everything else. Answer wrong and she'd always been punished in some form.
Mr. Hayes tolerated this for almost a month before he turned to her after a session during which Lavinia had been distinctly unhelpful and gave her some advice Lavinia didn't think she would ever forget.
"I put it down to nerves," he said as they walked towards a side room where potions ingredients and cauldrons were kept. "But you've been here while now, Lavinia, and I have to ask: are you comfortable here?"
Lavinia had almost stumbled as she walked next to him, she was so caught off guard by the question. "Yes," she answered, almost defensively, then wondered if perhaps the right answer was no because being comfortable around so much suffering might make her unsuited to the job. So she clarified, "I mean I'm comfortable with the work," she continued. "Not that I enjoy seeing people who are - I don't like to see people hurting. I just..." She trailed off when they stopped in front of the door to the potions room and she saw Mr. Hayes smiling down at her with an amused kind of patience.
"I would never suggest you enjoy watching our patients suffer," he said calmly, then sighed and frowned slightly. "I don't mean to sound harsh, Lavinia," he began and Lavinia felt a cold something trickle down her back at the prospect of what could only be a telling off. "But you treat every question like it's an exam. Honestly," he continued with a little laugh, "You seem to treat your life like it's an exam. And it's not. What I need from the healers in this ward is ingenuity. You have a quick mind. I want you to use it not to divine what you think I want you to say, but to divine what branch of magic might be most effective. I'm not grading you," he added, again with an almost laugh. "No one is. So answer honestly, when I ask you a question. Speak honestly when you have an idea. When I say 'what do you think this man needs,' I'm not asking you to recite something out of a textbook. I'm not quizzing you. I'm asking what you think he needs. Because I might have a guess, but I rarely know. And if we put our minds together, we give our patients the best shot at recovery. Do you understand?"
Lavinia nodded, wide eyed and more than slightly surprised. She was certain she'd just been told off for something but it hadn't felt like any telling off she'd ever gotten before. First because there had been no threat or indication of violence anywhere in his words or demeanor and second because somehow, he'd managed to mix compliments in, though part of her wondered if that was just to make her feel better.
"Good," Mr. Hayes returned, inclining his head to her slightly. "With that settled, hopefully," he added a bit drily, though his smile told her that was a joke, "If you could get going on that replenishing draught, that would be lovely. And I will begin the patient report."
And that was exactly what they did.
As she stirred the cauldron in front of her, going through motions that were by now rote, Lavinia thought. She supposed Mr. Hayes was right, as he often seemed to be. She did tend to treat her life like it was an exam, constantly afraid of judgement. Convinced there was a right answer and if she only gave it, then everything would turn out fine. Like if she made the right steps, the fear would stop, the hurt would go away and everything would be good for once.
It was foolish, of course, and that was much easier to see when someone pointed out how ridiculous the idea was. Because there was no score. And she could give all the right answers for one person and at the end of the day, she might well be left with nothing. That was close enough to what had happened with her grandmother. And to some extent her mother. Although with Rhea, Lavinia supposed she had genuinely made mistakes. With Theia... Lavinia shivered slightly and tried to force her mind elsewhere.
When she left work that day, walking side by side with Strout, Lavinia was unusually quiet, to the point that Strout, who was often mildly oblivious to such things, commented.
"Are you okay?" the brunette asked as they reached their disapparation point.
"Yeah," Lavinia sighed, shaking herself slightly, trying to clear her head. "My head healer gave me some life advice," she explained as Strout looked at her in slightly worried confusion. "And it was just very... unexpected."
Strout frowned for a moment. "But that's good isn't it?" she asked. "I mean if he's giving you life advice, he must like you, right?"
Lavinia nodded and shrugged a bit. "Just threw me off a bit," she replied with another shrug. "Got me thinking, you know." That much was true. It had gotten her stuck thinking and not much else since he'd said it.
Strout nodded in understanding, her face serious for only a brief moment before it lit with one of her typical bright smiles. "Well, don't think too much," she joked, nudging Lavinia a bit. "You'll get stuck. Besides, don't you have plans today?" she pressed.
Lavinia resisted the urge to laugh at the way Strout joked about exactly the sort of things that genuinely happened to Lavinia. The girl was a bit naive, that was for sure. Get stuck, indeed. But she was right. Lavinia had plans.
"Yeah, I really should get back," Lavinia murmured, glancing at her watch and grimacing slightly as she realized she was running late. "I'll see you Monday."
"Have a good weekend!" Strout chirped, waving slightly for all that they were perhaps five feet from each other.
"You too," Lavinia returned smiling before she turned on the spot and disapparated back home, landing as usual on the front walk a ways away from the porch. She knew she probably could have apparated directly onto the front step, but it felt wrong to be coming and going so directly, like there wasn't even the illusion of separation between home and work.
"Sorry," she gasped as she entered the house, having run up the front walk. "Merlin I'm out of shape," she added, shedding her shoes and taking a few deep breaths.
A snort from James greeted her from the living room. "It's called calorie deficit, Vin," he remarked drily.
She turned to frown at him. "Excuse me?" she asked, trying to decide if she was offended or not.
"He's right," Peter agreed from the dining room. "Sirius worries, you know."
Lavinia felt guilt crawl into her stomach. "Which he told you not to tell her," Lily added with a touch of asperity, poking her head into view around the kitchen wall. "And even though he's right to worry, this might not be the best time for this conversation. Can you help me in here, Lavinia?"
Lavinia blinked and nodded, hanging up her bag and making her way into the kitchen, trying to process. They'd made comments like that before, though she'd always assumed they were jokes. Sure Lavinia's meal schedule was a little all over the place and she didn't like to eat a lot at a time but... well. She'd never thought much about it. And she wasn't going to now, either because as Lily said, this was not the time.
In the kitchen, Lavinia helped Lily make the finishing touches to dinner and dessert as the clock counted towards 5:30, when Remus would be coming back with Sirius. It wasn't a surprise party by any means, but they had all agreed that Sirius should be out of the house while they all made preparations.
Sirius entered the house a few minutes past the designated time with Remus trailing behind him. A general shout of "Happy Birthday!" went up and the party started. It wasn't really much of a party, actually, simply because there weren't many of them there, but it was a get together of sorts. They ate dinner, had cake and drinks and gave presents. Lavinia had made a trip to the muggle mechanic and had a very awkward conversation trying to figure out what sort of thing would make a good gift only to give up entirely and get him a book on melding muggle technology with magic.
When he opened her present, he gave her a frankly skeptical look. "Oh yippee," he said sarcastically. "A book."
Lavinia rolled her eyes. "Read the title, genius," she muttered, tapping the cover. Needless to say, his response when he followed that instruction was far more positive.
"I thought you could try charming some things and maybe work up to whatever it is you're building in the garage -"
"A motorcycle," he reminded her.
"You say like it's supposed to mean something to me," she deadpanned in return. "Anyway," she added, "The book's mostly theoretical because well... strictly speaking enchantments like that are illegal. But I did some research on the current laws surrounding altering muggle artefacts and as long as you don't charm it in such a way as it alters its function, you should be fine. Plus there's a loophole about intent to use so -" She broke off as Sirius gave her a kiss on her cheek.
"For the record, that was mostly just to shut you up," he said as he pulled back.
Lavinia shrugged, going very pink in the face. "I'll take it," she quipped, smiling slightly and pretending that hadn't just sent her heart soaring through the roof..
"Are you seriously encouraging him to break the law?" asked Remus, his tone careful.
Lavinia frowned at her friends. "Bend," she corrected. "Not break. And loosen up. If Sirius does anything dangerous with that book I will personally hunt him down and punish him," she added, tossing a teasing smirk at the black haired boy, who pulled a face.
"Remind me not to cross you," James muttered.
"As if you didn't already know it," Lily snorted from where she sat next to him. He nudged her playfully, but didn't argue. The rest of the night went by in a bit of a blur until it was nearing midnight and everyone started yawning.
James and Lily departed, closely followed by Peter and eventually Remus went to bed, saying something vague about a meeting with Dumbledore in the morning, though judging by the wink he sent her as he left the room, that wasn't the only reason.
Lavinia watched him go, feeling a bit wary. She knew what she'd planned to do tonight, but how Remus knew was a mystery. She'd only decided after the dressing down she'd gotten from Mr. Hayes and she hadn't actually been sure she'd do it until... well until he'd kissed her cheek and she'd felt fireworks. Then again, she supposed she hadn't exactly been stingy with her smiles this evening. Or her touches. And the blush might have been a bit of a give away.
Mentally shaking herself and trying to pull the little courage she possessed into one coherent something, Lavinia turned around to face Sirius.
"I suppose I should go to bed too," he yawned from the couch, stretching slightly and pushing his long hair from his face.
Lavinia's courage teetered, but she took a deep breath and said he words she knew she should have spoken weeks or maybe even months ago.
"Actually," Lavinia countered, hating the way her voice wavered slightly. "I was hoping we could talk."
A/N: Hehe cliffhanger!! Actually, I'm genuinely sorry because I know they suck, but, counterpoint, y'all only have to wait a day. And it's good for you. Build some anticipation, you know? In case it wasn't clear, this is just met justify my evil ways lol. I actually am sorry because as a reader, I would hate me right now. But it works so well when you're writing. And thus why everyone thinks writers get off on readers' pain. I promise I don't enjoy your suffering. I just cause it sometimes. I feel like I'm digging a deeper hold by the minute so I'm just gonna stop now. Don't hate me too much please :)
Side note: I'm freezing? I'm sitting here curled up under a blanket and wearing a hoodie because my dad keeps the house so freaking cold. Like, I wake up, check my weather app, see that it's supposed to be 90+ degrees (in Fahrenheit, that's 32+ for you Celsius people) and put on shorts and a t-shirt or something and then 2-3 hours later, I end up adding an extra layer. But I can't just wear a long sleeved shirt to begin with because if I go outside I will die of heat stroke because, you know, it's 90+ degrees out and I can't handle temperatures very well at all. This is all really just a random complaint because I'd rather it was too cold in the house than too warm, I just think it's a bit excessive to be turning the heat down to 70 when we're all dressed for hot days. But maybe that's just me. I also have a history of being cold as heck when it's not actually cold at all so... it might just be me.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!