Author's Note.
With bipolar disorder people can experience mixed episodes, where they will be having a depressive or a manic episode but they will also experience symptoms of the other. This is called Mixed Features-. Anyone with bipolar can experience an episode with mixed features however I found research that suggested that people who suffer from depression from an early age, like Nova, are more likely to suffer from mixed episodes.
The most serious and common risk of mixed features during a manic or depressive episode is suicide.
So I wanted to portray that, so trigger warning, but only to the extent of thoughts and mention.
November's POV
It wasn't long before I found Sage's classroom and was waving to her through the window.
She just looked concerned.
And I just shrugged, knocking on the door.
"Miss Squire?" The teacher says and I cringe at the use of my last name.
"It's November sir." I say and smile. "May I borrow Sage? She has all my belongings." I say and he just waves his hand for her to leave quickly.
"Nova I was in lesson." She laughs slightly as I wait for her impatiently outside the door.
"They know I am a lil mental, and they said I could just be until Monday and then I will let them help me."
She cocks her head at me, her blonde hair catching the sunlight.
"Nova?"
"Mm?"
"You're teary?" She says and I freeze and rub my eyes.
"Sorry I am just excited. I need my phone and my money."
"I am not allowed to give you money Nova, we have been down this path before."
"Money or I steal Sage." I snap and then curse.
"I am sorry, I am just going to buy some stuff."
"Yeah I know, that is the problem." Sage says and I just sigh but follow her as she walks away from her class.
Where is she going?
"I just need my card, the money from my dad would have been put on there by now."
"You still think it's your dad?"
"Yes."
Why don't they believe me?
I just know it is.
"I just think its someone who really appreciates your style Nove, those pieces you sent them were so good."
"A compliment in form of a head fuck." I say and my body freezes when I see Cole and Linc walking round the corner.
Why are they out of class?
Am I supposed to talk to them?
Can I ask him for money?
Why does he look so good?
"I will just ask Cole for money." I say and grin.
"Cole!" I call out for him and begin to skip towards him when Sage grabs my wrist and pulls me back to her.
"Okay okay, take your card and your phone. You said you don't want Cole to know, that you don't wanna do anything with him whilst you are like this." Sage says and whilst she says this Cole turns around me meets my eyes and his eyes rake me up and down.
He looks a little concerned but the small glint in his eye tells me I look good.
He starts walking towards us, Linc hanging back and I smile again at that. Too right Lincoln, stay the hell away.
"I just wanna hug." I mumble to Sage and she sighs at me, letting go of my hand and I smile happily taking my purse and my phone from her and turning around to Cole.
"Hey." I say and walk towards him.
Immediately, he opens his arms for me to walk into and I smile at him.
"Hey you, are you feeling better?"
"So much better. Sorry." I mumble and wrap my arms around his neck, his arms hugging me to him.
"You look a little um, why have you got your it's too hot to wear clothes dress on when it's not that warm outside Nove?"
Oh. I look out the windows and I shrug at the grey clouds.
I wasn't cold.
"Just do." I say and tiptoe so my lips could reach his ear.
"I may be on a Cole ban for this weekend, please don't come to the flat, please be patient with me I just need a few days to focus on myself."
"Has Sage put you on this Cole ban again?" He whispers back amused and I pull back to meet his eyes.
"No. Not this time." I breath and move my lips so they are centimetres away from his.
"What was up yesterday Nova?"
"Nothing I am okay. I am just having a few bad days."
"Then let me be here for you." He says and presses his lips against mine.
Fucking hell my body was feeling so much already and his lips literally sent shock waves through me.
I pressed my lips back against his and sighed into him, kissing him deeply infront of our two friends, I didn't even care.
He pulls away and narrows his dark eyes into mine.
"November you told me you would talk to me."
"I will tell you everything after this weekend, you told me you like me for me, this is just another bit of me Cole."
"Okay." He nods. But then he very un-subtlety looks down at my chest.
"Please don't hate me for being this guy." He says and takes a step back from me, pulling his jumper over his head and handing it to me.
"Give a guy some peace of mind aye?"
"Your clothes smell good anyway." I shrug and pull it over my head.
"You look cute as fuck." He says and presses another small kiss on my lips. His lips honestly are making my heart pound and my skin tingle, spark even, it feels so food.
"You make me feel tingly." I whisper and he laughs abruptly.
"You are ridiculous." Cole laughs and pushes me away slightly and I turn back around to Sage, smiling at her slightly disapproving look and then as I walk away from Cole I look over my shoulder and grin at him as he is watching me walk away.
He just shakes his head and smiles and mouths the word 'bye'.
I wonder if I was feeling this way because I was so high, I wonder if the colours bursting from him will fade when I am dragged back into that monotone world.
He was always colourful though.
....
So okay, I may have spent some money.
But it wasn't that much.
Just things are quite expensive.
I brought a canvas, a new one, a bigger one.
I brought some paints, just to treat myself.
I brough a tin of wall colour paint, see I was already coming out of it. I knew I needed to cover up the paint on my wall.
And I brought some paint thinner.
It wasn't anything bad.
And some clothes but can you blame me?
I was celebrating.
"I turned off the meter because it was getting high kid." The cab driver says and I grin at him.
"Wow thankyou, you can take me home now."
"I need more information than that." He says as I sit in the back with my bags.
So I tell him my address and in not much time I am singing quietly along to the radio and hoping the cab driver took card.
"You are a very happy passenger." He smiles at me through the mirror and I nod enthusiastically.
"It's because I am going to change the world one day."
He laughs and nods. "Well I hope you do, this world isn't very nice."
"It isnt." I agree and smile at the back of his head.
In what seems as a flash I am in my front room and I nod to myself, I got this.
I needed to do a big collage of portraits and then I could burn it or destroy is somehow, and then everything would be okay. I would have a bonfire, outside, safely with Cole or my friends.
My phone is ringing in my pocket, or well Cole's jumper pocket and I nudge myself into my bedroom and dump my bags on the bed.
"Hello?" I say, not even checking.
"Hey Nova." Sophie says and I sigh in annoyance.
"I thought we said goodbye."
"Well yes of course, I was ringing to inform you that I will be obviously popping in tomorrow to see you and then again on Sunday."
"But we agreed." I grit.
"We agreed we wouldn't make any decision until Monday." Soph agrees and I just hang the phone up.
This is what I mean.
Nobody understands that I have to do this.
I toss my phone to the side and start unpacking my bags, grinning as I nod to myself on what to do.
And then I go searching for the sketchbook that had all their faces in. Ones I could copy onto the canvas.
I finally get the sketch book and I am surrounded by art supplies and I grin, this is exactly where I need to be.
Until I open the book and memories flood into me, hitting me like a fucking train.
"November can you please not fucking tap your nails." Yuen grits at me and I send him an apologetic look and nod.
I am nervous, I hated being here when he was here too.
"My father is coming and you look like a little whore, why haven't you got makeup on? He already thinks you are a child."
"I am seventeen." I laugh and he groans.
"Yes, I know this Nova, can you shut up?"
Wow he is in an awful mood.
"Yu, baby, come here." I say and he just stares at me with such intense annoyance that I shiver.
He comes over to where I was sat on the sofa and pulls me up so I was flush against him and his face was so close to mine.
Not lovingly, just cold, angry.
"You know what, I don't want you here, not looking like this you absolute little shit."
"I look nice." I snap, he was always saying I was ugly but like why would he be with me if I was so ugly?
"You are ugly." I childishly respond and he just pushes me harshly back down onto the couch, leaning over me dangerously.
"November will you fucking behave? You were off the rails last month, I need some fucking peace."
"You sent me off the rails because you needed a distraction when that big guy came in, don't think I don't know you use my medication to your advantage Yuen. I may be crazy, but I am not stupid."
He smirks. "Nova the only thing you are good at is fucking drawing and sucking dick. Let's not pretend you are intelligent. We all know that you are not."
"I am." I say and he laughs.
"Not for long, drugs will fry you up real nice. Make you obedient enough for me to marry you."
My distaste for Yuen changed immediately. I felt affection, what am I doing?
"You want to marry me?"
"I love you, of course." He says and I just rub my head in confusion.
"But I am ugly?"
He nods. "And stupid."
"Then why?"
"Because you belong to me and it would be good to make you officially mine."
"When would we get married?" I ask and he sits down next to me and I immediately move so I was pressed up against him.
"When you love me back." He says and I cock my head at that.
"You know I love you." I whisper.
"No, when you love me back the right way, when you behave the right way, I will marry you."
What did he even want from me?
I gasp for breath, out of shock of the sudden memory or like had I forgotten to breath? I couldn't breath. If I stayed with him, I probably would have been married by now.
Can you imagine that; me married?
I touch his sketched face and map out where I want it on the canvas, drawing his head shape lightly, ready to rub it if it goes wrong. Although this painting is significant, it didn't need to be perfect it just needed to be recognisable.
As I was drawing my head filled again.
It wasn't bringing me peace drawing these faces, it was burning me from the inside out.
"Yuen your father has arrived, he's already in the office." Ryan says watching us closely and Yuen curses.
"This is what happens when you are all fucking insecure November, you know what Ryan show her why she should behave."
Yuen stands and tosses Ry a knife and Ryan just caught it swiftly.
"I am not cutting a child."
"She is my girlfriend." Yuen says and Ryan just opens his hands up and nods.
"Exactly, no."
"Just take her to my room." Yuen mumbles and walks away.
Ryan immediately has his hand gripping my wrist and he is pulling me out of that room and up the stairs.
"You really shouldn't let him talk to you like that." Ryan says and I bring his hand up to my lips and place a small kiss on his hand.
"You also shouldn't fucking do that." He says and I just frown.
I am only being friendly.
"I just wanted to say thankyou for not hurting me."
"I would never, you are just a kid."
I look up at him then and cock my head to the side, he was handsome Ryan, dark hair, tall. "I am seventeen Ryan, you can't be much older than me."
"Old enough to know that I cannot touch you Nova, and do you think I am fucking stupid?"
I look at him shocked and then open up the bedroom door.
"Who said anything about touching?" I blink innocently and he just glares at me.
But enters the bedroom and closes the door.
"I did." He breathes and I press my lips together in amusement.
"You want to touch me?" I ask confused, Ryan doesn't even look at me, normally.
"No." He says but I walk towards him and his hand meets my cheek, holding my face gently.
"I can't." He grits and I just shake my head at him, I haven't even done anything, I haven't seduced him, he is here on his own.
"Then don't." I whisper and well that is when Ryan first kissed me, roughly, unromantically against the door of mine and Yuen's bedroom.
That is when he sealed his fate I suppose.
When I am able to recentre myself, to push those memories away I am almost shocked to see Yuen's face glaring back at me on the canvas.
It is so weird to draw him, to start to paint him, it's so weird to stare into his eyes again.
"What do you mean November?"
"I need to go Yuen, I can't, I don't want to be here, I can't deal with this, with you. Oh god, what the fuck did you do?"
"It was an accident, he deserved to be punished Nova."
"He deserved it?" I question him. "Are you fucking serious?"
"Yes." Yuen spat and I just laughed painfully.
"We are done Yuen, done, over, as in get away from me."
He laughed at me. "You really think you have a choice whether you stay with me?"
"Yes I do now, because there's a reason you lied Yuen, there is a reason why you told Stuart that it wasn't you. I am the only one who knows what happened and if you want it to stay like that then you have to let me go."
"Are you fucking blackmailing me?" Yuen laughs and I nod.
"It's me or power Yuen. What do you want more?"
He chose power.
Of course.
I moved onto Ryan's face, I had sketched him before, at the house, Yuen always had be showing off my skills. I just stare at his face as it forms from my memory onto the paper.
I hate myself.
For what I did to you.
"I am so so so sorry Ry. You were always good to me."
"I didn't know he was that dangerous."
"I am sorry."
"So sorry."
I must have been sat here for ages, just sketching his face and forgetting about Yuen's half painted face next to him.
I hate him. For making me join in.
On things.
"It'll just be us baby." He whispers seductively into my ear and I let my head fall to the side.
"Not your friends?" I ask Yu.
"No they will be there too but so will their girlfriends, it'll be so good. Look, feel how much the idea turns me on already, please do this for me? This will make me so happy and you have been making me so sad lately."
"Okay."
You ever just feel disgusting down to your core?
I was getting too distracted doing this, it was as of the gods were attacking me stopping me from ripping this from my soul, oh god I felt so bad.
My brain hurt so much.
I killed him.
And then if Zane was taking more drugs after Ryan then I killed him too.
And I hurt Cole.
And I hurt Rosie and Sage and oh my goodness, I am such a horrible person.
That is when I started to write the letters.
To everyone.
To Ryan.
To Sage.
To Rose.
To Cole.
To Tristan.
To Stanners.
To Sophie.
I forgot my painting and I tried so hard to fit everyone onto the small scraps of paper I found and I just couldn't and so before I knew it I was tearing down everything from another wall.
Chucking it around me room and shrugging when it litters my floor, I needed the space.
And so then I picked up my paintbrush and continues writing.
Everything that kept flying through my mind was written across my walls, then I painted flowers and trees and then I added beautiful quotes and beautiful song lyrics I could remember and then it changed, self-hate spread across my bedroom walls and soon enough my bedroom walls were the perfect illustration of the mess in my head.
Then I started to recollect my things that I needed.
Because this wasn't just mania.
Somehow I had fucked it up enough where I felt so useless, worthless. So down. I don't know, at all what is going on.
But as I go into my bathroom to get my pill bottles, I nodded to myself.
I knew that I was falling.
So I went back into my bedroom and opened my wardrobe door and started to take all the clothes out, tossing them across my bedroom, onto my bed and away from me and then I grabbed my blanket and my pills and climbed in.
Shutting the door behind me so I was immersed in darkens, in this box of wood, like a coffin and I nodded.
At the bottom of my wardrobe were three drawers so I was sat on them and made myself a little bed on top of that.
I might not make it through tonight.
This one was bad.
My brain, it was broken open.
Everything coming at me at once, even though I had taken away all the stimuli and was just here in darkness.
I am so scared.
Mania is so scary.
You don't even understand.
And so is feeling this compulsive need to do something bad to yourself.
I was on top of the world this morning.
This is not just mania, I knew I fucked it up when I didn't let my body do the depressive episode.
But I was just so scared.
So scared.
There's noise out there and I am shaking, because who is it?
Who has come to get me?
It could be anyone?
Did Yuen know I was so close to just doing something?
Was he here to stop me?
Was it God, which one? Was it the government? Had the bugs seen me? Had the told my secrets?
My wardrobe door was opened and I closed my eyes in such terror and a loud, piercing scream left my lips and whoever it was screamed too at the sound of my fright.
"Nova oh my god, why did you scream?" Rosie's voice hits me and when I look up at her, after taking my hands away from my face to see her pale, frightened one, I cant help it I burst into tears.
"Nova." She breathes and I just shake my head at her.
I was so scared.
I cry loudly, unapologetically into my knees and she crouches down too, her hand on my shoulder and she tries to soothe me.
"I didn't mean to scare you, I didn't know where you were and then when I saw your clothes I remembered how you sometimes barricaded yourself in here when you were low. But Nove, I thought you were in a hypomanic state?"
"I am sad." I whisper and she just nods, utterly confused and so was I.
She looks around my bedroom and she just laughs a little.
"I love what you have done with the place."
I don't even know what it looks like.
"I thought you were going to hurt me." I breathe and she nods in understanding.
"Nah never." She smile and then she nudged me over. "Come on let me in."
I just slide over and somehow she fits in besides me.
"Do you hate me?" I whisper and she closes the door behind her so I could no longer see her face.
"Huh? No of course not." Rose says and I totally just lean into her, cuddling into her and she hugs me back.
"Even though I am having a breakdown when you are having a breakup?" I ask.
"Well I am not going to be jealous November." She laughs softly, and her hand tucks my hair behind my ear as it leans on her shoulder. "Plus I know these things aren't exactly controllable."
Although I did make this one happen.
"I am sad, Rose. A scary sad."
She is silent.
"Scary sad as in?"
"I think I may have just written everyone goodbye letters."
"Oh okay." She says.
"I don't want to go." I breathe and she just takes the pill bottle away from me, somehow she knew I must have been holding onto something.
"Then stay." Rose says and hugs me tightly.
"I can't not with everything, I just feel so much need to not be here anymore Rose."
"You are breaking my heart right now." She says, squeezing my shoulders and laughing breathlessly.
"And if I go, I wont ever break it again."
"No you'll be breaking it forever."
"I need my things around me, I need the choice." I say and search for her hands so I could retake the pills back.
"No Nova." She whispers and I just slump back, tears filling my eyes again.
They don't understand.
Its about control.
I need them.
"Where is Sage?" I ask.
"Just at work, she is going to come round soon."
"So you both will stay?"
"Yes, especially if you are feeling suicidal Nova, of course we will stay."
I flinch at the word.
That fucking word.
"Sorry for saying it, but it is what it is Nove."
"I hate it."
"So do we." Rose agrees and the heaviness around us just increases because now I am thinking about how much they hate it too.
"Oh god." I whisper and just press my face into Rose as we cuddle in my wardrobe.
"You know." She whispers. "You are my best friend, and I would be so devastated if you hurt yourself, because you are so loved, loved by literally everyone you come across. Like Nova we have to remind you not to talk to strangers more for their sakes, they fall in love with you and you just move on." Rose laughs.
So many lies.
I just close my eyes and listen when she talks, hoping that at some point, I will fall asleep. Because sleep is the only thing that makes sense.
I crash. Properly this time.
I don't wake up until the next afternoon, my friends sleeping in my bed that night, and me in the wardrobe.
As I slept they gave me more pillows and made me comfy but they promised me that they wouldn't take away any of the things that could hurt me.
But yeah for a solid 24 hours I slept.
I woke up worse.
But first, apparently a lot happened whilst I was asleep.
Next Chapter Cole's POV:)