*
Sirius didn't sleep much that night. He spent most of it sitting, leaning against the chest at the end of his bed and thinking. And Merlin he had plenty to think about.
On the one hand, Lavinia had barely rolled over before he'd pulled Remus to the far side of the room and asked what the hell kind of person did he think Sirius was. Did he really think his friend would take advantage of Lavinia in any way? Did he think Sirius wanted to start a relationship with her when she was drunk and vulnerable? Remus had had the good sense to look ashamed.
"I don't know why I even thought that," Remus had groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and not meeting Sirius's eyes. "I'm sorry mate. I didn't mean to-" He broke off and sighed, dropping his hand from his face. "I don't think you would ever do something like that. I just... you didn't see her earlier. She was lonely, Sirius. Like I've never seen her before and... And I don't think I've slept properly in weeks and... I don't know."
And Sirius had forgiven his friend because he knew it had been a hard few weeks. The full moon had been only a few days ago and Remus had insisted on handling it alone. That it fell in the middle of NEWTs was a bit of bad luck that none of them had found a good way to work around and Remus had been showing the effects of that failure only too clearly.
Forgiveness became even easier when Remus explained exactly what Lavinia had been like earlier in the night and Sirius felt a sick sort of twisting in his stomach. He'd had no idea, of course. By the time he'd realized she was even at the party, she'd been laughing and dancing and looking for all the world like she was having the time of her life. And now... well now he saw that for what it was. She had been running. This night had been just a new way for her to escape whatever dark thoughts or stress or pain had chased her up here in the first place. And he'd thought she'd been a bit amusing drunk. He wished he hadn't laughed. Wished he'd told her off for it. Told her that drinking until she was distracted from her problems wasn't a solution at all. It was just an invitation for more problems.
And speaking of inviting problems, Sirius couldn't get Lavinia's little laugh out of his head. He couldn't stop thinking of the way she'd looked at him, the undeniable jealousy in her voice when she'd practically accused him of dancing with other girls. He had been dancing with other girls and now he felt rather bad about it. He'd done it for the same reasons Lavinia had been drinking, he supposed. He had been trying to pretend, trying to forget the twisting of his heart. Trying to run.
But to listen to her tonight, it sounded as though she might actually like him back. As though the feeling might be mutual. But if that was the case, then why did she keep running whenever he came even close to showing it? Why had she laughed it off when he'd kissed her if she felt even close to the way he did?
The logical explanation and his best guess was that she just wasn't ready, that he'd been right in the first place and she didn't want a relationship right now. He couldn't blame her. Her life was upside down and inside out and she was leaving school and they were all going off into the unknown. But at least the rest of them had been expecting this for years. Lavinia had had to come to terms with it in less than six months in the midst of which plenty of other things had gone wrong as well. Of course she was trying to hold on to those few constants she had left.
Still, he was starting to think that the best thing for it would be to have an honest conversation. Remus, of course, had advised him to do just that weeks ago. They were moving in together and, at least by Remus's assessment, it was only going to hurt them both if they weren't honest about it. Sirius personally thought it could and probably would hurt a few things to be honest, but when Remus had pointed out that Lavinia had never stopped being Regulus's friend despite the two of them having disparate feelings for each other, Sirius hadn't had an answer.
But... but he was afraid, if he was honest. He was afraid of rejection and he was afraid of ruining a good thing. Besides, he reasoned, Lavinia had enough going on right now. There was enough change to be adapting to. He didn't need to add more things to that list. So he would wait, as he had been doing for so long now. Because however hard it was, he truly believed it was what was best for her.
The third thing that had kept Sirius up that night was Rowle. He knew he probably didn't have the full story, but he frankly didn't think he needed it. What he'd gotten from Lavinia's short and slightly slurred explanation had been enough. Rowle had been drunk and had threatened her. Threatened something awful enough that Lavinia wasn't willing to go back to her dormitory.
It made his blood boil.
Which was why, when Sirius boarded the train the following morning with James, Peter, Remus and Lavinia his knuckles were still stinging. He knew he could have healed it and probably should have because it was just begging for difficult questions, but he couldn't bring himself to. For the first time he truly understood Lavinia's twisted reasoning in not healing the bruises and cuts her mother had given her. He wanted to remember this. He wanted to remember how it had felt to tell the slimy git to keep his hands and eyes away from Lavinia. He wanted to remember what it had felt like to punch Rowle so hard across the face the big blonde Slytherin had actually stumbled backwards.
It had been equally satisfying to see the bruise blooming on Rowle's face as they'd boarded the boats to cross the lake and know that he either couldn't or wouldn't heal it.
But that had been perhaps the only satisfying thing about leaving the school. Sirius, James, Remus and Peter had claimed a boat together, just as they had on the way to the school for the first time. He would have sat with Lavinia, but she and Lily had been in their own boat before he'd had time to say anything at all and a little while later, they'd been joined by Lily's friends, Alice and Marlene.
Sirius's heart had done a strange tugging skip at that sight, in part because he knew he had to talk to Lavinia at some point and was not at all looking forward to how awkward that conversation would be, and in part because she had looked so terribly out of place, sitting at the far edge of one seat, with her eyes on her lap. But even as he'd watched, Lily had tapped Lavinia's shoulder and pointed her out to something and Sirius's heart had warmed to know that she wasn't totally alone even when he and the other Marauders weren't by her side.
It was also good to see her looking almost normal and as okay as he supposed she could be. She'd woken up earlier than any of them and had simply left so that by the time they woke, she was gone. They'd seen her at breakfast, however and though she'd complained of a headache, she'd made no other mention of the night before. They had all, by some silent agreement, decided to discuss it with her later. This was going to be a strange enough day for all of them without having the conversation they all knew was necessary about her behavior the previous night.
She also didn't say anything about the bruised nature of Rowle's face, though he caught her staring at the blonde boy for a long, long moment. There had been no emotion on her face at all, no indication of joy at the payback her housemate had received and no pity for the bruising she undoubtedly knew the pain of. She had simply turned away and acted as though there was nothing particularly remarkable about it. Sirius didn't entirely know what to make of that, but he didn't press it.
And now, of course, it was graduation. And it seemed to Sirius at least, that instead of giving Lavinia a talking to or asking her about Rowle, which he suspected would be a touchy subject regardless of her blank expression, this day would be better spent remembering all the good times and reminding each other that this wasn't an ending, but a beginning. A new, fresh start for all of them. Especially, he supposed, for Lavinia, who of all of them, both deserved and needed a fresh start the most.
Lavinia had woken up to a pounding headache and the distinct sensation that she'd made several mistakes last night. She just couldn't remember what exactly they were, which was incredibly disconcerting. She remembered drinking and dancing and laughing and a certain hollow sensation in her chest that she would much rather forget. She also remembered being annoyed at Remus for worrying too much and Sirius for dancing with other girls. Which seemed silly, of course, because she didn't own him and neither of them had made any commitments and she herself was the one who had decided not to act on anything. But all that logic did nothing to lessen the sting of seeing him so happy when he was surrounded by a group of adoring, insipid little -
Lavinia broke her thoughts off and focussed back on packing her trunk. There was no need to get angry with them, she told herself. They had seen him as single and attractive. Because he was, she supposed. Very attractive.
She huffed and sat back on her heels, rubbing her eyes and trying to shut her head up while also stopping it from feeling like it was splitting open. Merlin, she should not have had so much to drink. What had she been thinking? That was actually an easy question to answer, she decided. She hadn't been. She had been feeling plenty but not thinking at all and, as she now knew, that was a terrible combination.
It took her awhile to get all her things together, in part because of her total lack of focus and in part because she went out of her way to avoid everyone. Seeing Eloise and Alexandra hurt too much and when she caught a glimpse of Regulus in the Great Hall, she thought her soul might just have shattered. She also didn't particularly want to see the Marauders because she was incredibly embarrassed about her behavior the night before. She'd been so... not herself.
But she couldn't avoid them forever so she decided to get it over with sooner rather than later and sat down to breakfast with them, trying to hide her embarrassment. Thankfully none of them said anything about it and when they headed down to the lake, their conversation was normal, if a bit too nostalgic for her tastes.
On the way down to the lake she also saw Rowle, who had the beginnings of a nasty black eye. Lavinia stared at him. She didn't entirely know what to think about it, though she had a nagging suspicion who had given him that bruise based on Sirius's strange new habit of pulling his sleeves down over his knuckles. She couldn't decide if she was annoyed with him for resorting to violence or if she was... flattered didn't sound like the right word, but something similar perhaps, that he had defended her without question. So she decided to say nothing and not think too much about it. She had enough going on in her head, anyway.
Though she'd been looking forward to graduation, the reality was that leaving was a weird feeling for Lavinia. She knew she should have been remembering all her old victories and joys and looking forward to what was to come, knew this should have been a celebration of new beginnings. She should have been bittersweet or maybe nostalgic. But instead, she felt simultaneously terribly sad and a little bit relieved. Because the entire journey away from Hogwarts and into life beyond was littered with reminders of what she had lost. Both for better and for worse.
When they boarded the boats, she remembered the first time she'd sailed across the lake and found herself desperately wishing that Eloise and Severus and even Alexandra were still by her side. She wished she was leaving with them instead of Evans and these two girls who didn't care about her at all. Not that they weren't nice. Well. Marlene was chilly, as always, but the other, Alice, was almost too nice. Lavinia resolved to ignore her. At least she didn't mind Evans, she told herself. But that also reminded her of old times. It reminded her of when she'd hated Evans on principle, because some stupid bigoted tradition her family had ingrained into her. It reminded her what an awful person she had been.
When she got onto the train, she remembered every time before this that she'd stepped on. She remembered how things had slowly started falling apart until the beginning of sixth year when it had just been her and Eloise and Alexandra in their compartment. When duty had first begun to take her friends away from her.
When she disembarked, she remembered all the times she'd wished her parents had been here to greet her. Remembered the sting of jealousy she'd always felt when it had been so clearly William they'd wanted to see. As they made their way across the platform, she caught sight of her brother through the steam and she thought someone might have stepped on the remains of her heart and turned them into dust. She wasn't going to see him again. Ever. He hadn't sought her out since she'd been disowned and she didn't blame him. Enough eyes had been trying to figure out if he was a traitor like his sister. It was safer for him to stay away. Even if it hurt.
When she watched her friends bidding each other heartfelt goodbyes and reminding each other that they had to be at the Potter's the following weekend for a "family graduation party" Lavinia remembered what she would have come home to had her life not changed so completely: silent halls and more expectations. Cold family dinners and the constant reminder that she hadn't done enough yet. That she might never do enough. Or be enough.
When she grabbed Sirius's hand to disapparate to their new house, she remembered holding William's to do just this. To bring him home. She remembered the welcome she'd gotten from her grandmother that day. Too fat, too ugly, too stupid. Don't you charm your hair? Why do you wear so much makeup? Have you ruined your prospects yet? Don't mumble. Didn't your mother teach you manners? Why are you such a miserable little failure? Even the silence of an empty and uninhabited country house seemed like an improvement in comparison to the frozen chill of those grand hallways.
When she hesitated on the front steps and Sirius turned around to beckon her in as he held the door, Lavinia remembered that it should have been his brother. It should have been Regulus holding the door to a great manor or mansion for her. It should have been their home for years. It should have become a family home. A place where she was queen of the castle and he was her king. It should have been a victory. The fulfillment of those many expectations at long long last. It should have been the beginning of a long and happy life. A long and happy marriage to a boy she could learn to love the right way. It should have been different.
When she walked into the kitchen, she remembered Jilsey and her little kindnesses that Lavinia had never deserved. She remembered how Jilsey had made the best hot cocoa. How Jilsey had never let her go to bed hungry, even when her mother had threatened to withhold her dinners as punishment for some wrongdoing or another. She remembered Dinser, who was proper and pompous and loved his job. Who had always insisted on giving her tea. Who had asked her to come visit. Who she didn't think she would ever see again.
When she walked into the living room, she remembered the last time she'd been in the sitting room at the Selwyn manor. She remembered the sting of blades and the screams of two generations of women before her who demanded more. She remembered the feeling of hands on her face and bruises blooming on her skin. She remembered the rage on her mother's face and the wild, cruel joy on her grandmother's. She remembered how she'd practically crawled away, pulling herself along through the pain. She remembered why she'd left. Why she'd lost it all. What the cost would have been to keep it.
And when she walked away without saying a word, when she left the living room and the two boys standing in it discussing where they could put Sirius's muggle turntable and whether or not posters were acceptable in a living space, she heard their conversation break off. Heard Sirius call after her and heard Remus tell him to let her go. She was grateful. She didn't want company right now. She didn't want to stand and face all the changes. She wanted to curl up in a corner or under some blankets and remember.
So she did just that. She walked into the room they'd decided was hers, walked over to the bed, laid down, curled up into a little ball and tried to block out the world. Tried to pretend this was her bed at home. Tried to pretend nothing had changed. That she would see William again. And Regulus. And Severus and Alexandra and Eloise and Thomas. Tried to pretend she would get to see them get married, get to hold children who should have had her as a godmother. Tried to pretend this loss wasn't final. Even though she knew it was.
A/N: So this is random, and I don't actually know why I keep saying that because all of these Author's Notes are random and I think we've all just accepted that as normal, but whatever. Starting without some transition feels weird.
Anyway, my dad and I watch a lot of baseball together bc reasons and if you say it's a boring game I'll fucking fight you bc it so is but that's not the point damn it. So right now, obviously, there's no baseball (*insert sad face*) but they're doing reruns. And I'm a Rockies fan. And we suck. It's great. But they're rerunning old wins bc who wants to watch their team lose when everything else in life already sucks, right? And they're currently rerunning the 2007 post season where we did really well and then blew up and died (I don't think they're gonna show that part lol) but when I was little, I had a favorite player: Todd Helton. And my dad would call across the house "Todd's up!" and little 7 year old me would come sprinting from wherever I was to watch Todd Helton bat. He's been retired for a while now, but with these reruns, there are games with him in it, like this one from the 2007 post season. And my dad still calls "Todd's up!" and little adult me comes running across the house to watch Todd Helton bat bc lets face it, I have not grown up, literally or figuratively. This is a very wholesome story, I'm realizing, but it's not actually the point. The point is that I just went running across the room and came to watch and sitting on the couch are both my parents and bc they're adorable human beings, they are holding hands while my dad watches baseball and my mom reads the news and honest, guys, this is relationship goals. They've been married for 22 years and they still hold each others hands for no special reason at all. I love it. They're perfect and I feel like a fan girl shipping my own parents which is probably weird but whatever. They're adorable.
Anyway, as usual, I hope y'all enjoyed and I'll be back again tomorrow!