It was the gradual pain in my head that slowly woke me up. I barely moved a muscle. Only my eyelids slowly peeling apart as I became aware of the soft pillow under my head that half my face was squashed into. My head felt swollen. Everything just felt like mush. I hadn't been this hungover in years.
How the hell did I get home? I thought to myself as my eyes adjusted to the room. Everything was dark. Is it night? No. The light was just off and the curtains had been drawn. Whoever had helped me to bed the night before must've known that sunlight and hangovers do not mesh well. I groggily lifted my head and rubbed the sleep from my eyes, blinking a couple of times and looking around my room. Only...it wasn't my room. It wasn't Christian's place either.
Please don't tell me you went home with some random, I begged internally and then my eyes landed on a chest of drawers that looked all too familiar. My suspicions were confirmed about twenty minutes later when there was a soft knock at my door and in stepped...
"Alex?" I mumbled, looking up from the pillow I'd sunk back into. He had a glass of water and some aspirin in his hands and a soft smile on his cheeks.
"How you holding up?" he asked quietly and walked around the bed, sitting next to where I was lying and putting the water and tablets on the bedside table.
"My head's killing me," I said. "I'm so sorry for last night. Fuck I'm such an idiot. How did I get here?"
"Didn't want to let you catch a cab home on yer own," Alex said. He was dressed in sweats and a t shirt that clung to his chest and no where else.
"I'm so sorry," I said, filled to the brim with regret. I felt beyond terrible. "I didn't ruin the night did I?"
"No definitely not," Alex smiled. "You were the life of the party, love. You'd just had a lot to drink and I didn't want ya alone so we convinced ya to come back with me. You weren't a problem love, just very energetic and easily humoured."
"Thank you for putting up with me," I said guiltily. He was under no obligation and did so anyway. "God, I don't deserve it. Thank you so much."
"I still owe ya remember?" Alex chuckled, looking down at me, "I think I need to make up at least another three times for every time I showed up at yer place so until then, I'm just repaying me depts."
I managed a laugh and pushed myself up to sit against the headboard. He'd given me his room to sleep in.
"Arielle did stay with ya by the way," Alex commented. I looked at him, confused. "You asked her to stay with ya and she said she would and that it would be like a 'sleepover' or summat. You two were basically joined at the hip all night," he chuckled. "She had to leave at two, but she was 'ere."
"It's passed two?" I exclaimed. "Shit."
I rubbed a hand over my face, "sorry for stealing your girlfriend too."
Alex shrugged with a chuckle, "she kicked me out into the guest room as well. You guys were laughing till about six in the mornin'."
"I'm sorry," I winced at the thought of being kept up so early.
"You two get on well huh?" he smiled.
"You were right from the beginning," I said. Alex smiled softly and then handed me the water and aspirin tablet.
"I'm sure yer head's being a pain," he said as I took the tablet and downed the whole glass of water. "You can stay as long as you need and I'm happy to give you a lift back to yer place."
"Thank you," I said gratefully. "I owe you big time."
"Nah you don't," Alex smiled and brought me in for a warm hug. "You know, despite the first time when you tossed up in the bush, you hold yer liquor well."
"I think last night was the exception," I said honestly. I'd never been that drunk and not either been on the floor or throwing up in a toilet. "Was it still fun though?"
"One of the best nights of me life," Alex smiled. As I sat back against the headboard I watched as a flicker of guilt and deliberation flashed across his face. Like he wanted to say something but wasn't sure whether or not to. "Did you...know the guy from last night?" he eventually asked, his voice almost so quiet that I missed it.
"What guy?" I asked, trying to read his expression.
"The uh...you...Miles found you with some guy on one of the lounges," Alex said, avoiding looking at me. "Brown hair?"
Realisation flooded through me like a wave of sickness. It must've been the same guy from the hallway. Now that he'd brought it up, it sounded familiar and I was reminded of all the stupid decisions I made. Not once. But twice.
"Shit," I said under my breath and ran a hand through my hair. "No. I have no idea who he was I just met him last night...I'm so stupid," I said to myself. Alex didn't say anything but I knew what he was thinking.
"How come you would kiss a stranger but not me?" The answer? It would've meant something if I'd leant in that night of Alex's house party. And I cared about him. I didn't want to lead him on because I knew I didn't have the strength to face the truth about Christian and break up with him. It must've been why Alex left to the balcony. I realised it was straight after and that I'd left hooking up with that guy again to go and check on him. I never knew he saw me. And apart from knowing it would've meant something to me if I had leaned in when he did, at Alex's party, Christian and I weren't on a break...but that was no excuse.
I began to panic, realisation setting in fast.
"Fuck, Christian," I said and put a hand over my mouth as my eyes began to water. "No no no no what did I do?"
"Hey, hey, calm down it's okay," Alex said soothingly and put a hand on my arm.
"No Alex it's not," I said and frantically began looking for my phone, realising it wasn't with me and panicking even more. I know I shouldn't have, but I felt the need to apologise to that asshole. I didn't even realise the extent of his manipulation on me. He could literally be cheating on me, even though he would deny it with an excuse he managed to make me believe, and I would be the one to apologise and beg for his forgiveness after I hooked up with some random guy twice right after we went on a break. I wasn't even going to excuse myself by saying what I did wasn't as bad as it could've been 'because we were on a break', I was just as bad as Christian was.
It was like it was drilled into my being; living in denial and putting up with his shit no matter what and always putting myself as the person in the wrong because that's where he would put me. And yet still that wasn't an excuse for what I did.
"Can I borrow your phone?" I asked him, hearing my heartbeat loud in my eardrums.
"Orion...you don't need to apologise to him," Alex said whilst contradicting himself and taking his phone out of his pocket.
"I do, I do," I said, "I'm such an idiot." I felt sick with myself.
"O," Alex sighed but he didn't intervene as I typed in Christian's number and sent him a message because I didn't want to talk on the phone to him just yet. "Why are you apologising to him?" Alex asked as I sent the message.
"I don't know," I said as soon as it was delivered, dropping the phone like it was red hot. I didn't even know what to think anymore. My actions were doing one thing whilst my mind was doing a million others that just didn't make sense to me. I kept telling myself I loved him and if that meant always being in the wrong to make him happy I was willing to do so. I was so naive and stupid and broken. And now I was a cheater too. One thing I swore that I'd never be.
"He hurt you," Alex said. I must've spilt what had happened whilst I was drunk.
"Yeah but I went off and hooked up with someone else right after we said we'd go on a break," I said, running my hands through my hair in frustration. "If he did that to me I'd be heartbroken and I don't want to keep anything from him...I just want him to love me. I'm such a bitch." I began crying into my hands. "I'm so stupid and I never get anything right I don't even know what I'm doing I just want him to love me like he used to and now he never will. I'm such a fucking idiot."
"Orion," Alex said softly, I almost forgot he was there.
"What's wrong with me?" I cried into my palms. Here was the breakdown I was trying to avoid all night. So Alex wouldn't have to see it. And then here I was, crumbling right in front of him and what did he do? He hugged me tight like Christian never did. Like he did the night I thought I got followed and he came around just to make sure I was okay.
"Nothings wrong with you," he said to me as he held me tight. "There's nothing wrong with you."
"There is," I wept, "why else would he hate me so much? Why else would I put up with his shit?"
Alex hugged me tighter, pulling me into his chest and moving next to me. "You love him, that's why," Alex said softly, resting his chin on my head. "When you love someone you do things you wouldn't usually put yourself through and you can't hate yourself for that okay? You're not stupid because you know you're getting hurt, you just...you're too in love with him to put yourself first."
But what if I don't love him? Then what's the explanation?
"I'm just so stupid," I said to myself, the palms of my hand pooling with my tears of regret and guilt and everything I'd been holding back.
"You're not," Alex hushed and squeezed me tighter. "You're not stupid, don't say that." I knew he wanted to tell me everything as it was, that he wanted to tell me his opinion on Christian and all that but he was holding back for my sake and prioritised comforting me over anything else.
He managed to calm me down just like he did that night he came over to soothe me when Christian discredited my fears. He offered for me to take a shower where I was able to wash all the tears from my face and refresh myself. Scrubbing off all the destructive emotions cursing me until I felt okay again and was able to clear my mind even just a little. His bathroom was tidy around the sink. Only a razor and a pot of hair gel apart from the essentials lying around. I could imagine him standing before that mirror doing his hair every day.
"Feelin' a bit better?" Alex asked me as I exited the bathroom, drying off my hair. Concern was thick in his tone. I felt so embarrassed crying like that in front of him once again. I was a mess.
I nodded, "yeah." Neither of us believed me.
I was still suffering one hell of a hangover and Alex poured me out some juice and made me a plate of food incase I was hungry as we sat at his kitchen bench, talking about the night before. But now only the good parts.
"I'll have to listen to the album in one all over again," I said, slowly sipping at the tall glass of orange juice. "I'm so embarrassed but I can only remember like two songs."
Alex chuckled softly, "it's alright. You were enjoyin' yerself and that's what matters."
There was a chime that echoed throughout his house, disrupting us as we sat in the peaceful silent afternoon.
"I'll see who it is," Alex said and went off to open the front door. I let out a sigh and turned back to the plate of food he'd made me. Avocado covered toast, banana and oranges sliced with a big slab of watermelon that he said would help me rehydrate after such a night. What did I do to deserve him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was a blessing in disguise that I took for granted.
I could hear him exchanging a few words down the hall, all muffled as I sipped more of the orange juice and pressed my fingers into my temples in an attempt to numb the throbbing pain. The next thing I knew there were footsteps and I turned around and felt everything in me die.
No no no no no no no no no. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fuck off.
"What happened last night?" was the first thing he asked me as I quickly jumped off the kitchen stool and faced him. My eyes flicked behind him to Alex who's face was guilt ridden and stressed, looking from me to Christian and back again.
He looked at me as if to say "I'm sorry I didn't mean to let him in" but I already knew Christian had just stormed in like he did last time. He had zero respect for Alex and his house. How does he always manage to hunt me down?
"Christian, what are you doing here?" I asked him, looking him up and down and not knowing how to feel.
"You messaged me from his phone and said you were sorry so I guessed you needed me already," Christian said, "what did you do?"
"Can we please not do this right now?" I begged, keeping my voice down because of how completely embarrassing this was in front of Alex. As guilty as I felt, I was so pissed off with the way he was going about it. "Not here."
"No babe, I want to settle this now," Christian said. "Why are you sorry Orion?"
"Chris," I sighed and looked to Alex apologetically. "This isn't our place, we're not doing this here."
"Then why message me from his phone?" Christian pushed.
"I didn't ask you to come here," I exclaimed. "I messaged you when I woke up because I felt guilty and I don't want to talk about it right now Chris."
"Just tell me what you did and I'll leave," Christian said.
I felt like I was drowning. My throat was dry and my legs were weak. I felt like such a terrible person that I guessed that I deserved to be embarrassed in front of Alex like this. "...I hooked up with someone after you left and I'm sorry it wasn't meant to happen, it was a mistake and I regret it and I feel so guilty and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I sighed, giving in to him like I always did.
Christian started laughing. He looked away from me and shook his head and when his eyes looked back at mine he could've killed me with the way his face fell. "We go on a break and the first thing you do is hookup with someone else? The second we aren't dating, you can't even help yourself," he said in disbelief. "And you had the audacity to act like I was a piece of shit?"
"Christian—"
"I can't believe you Orion! Are you fucking kidding me?" Christian exclaimed.
"Hey, hey, hey," Alex interrupted, hurriedly walking over to us. "Don't talk to her like that." I'd never seen him mad before.
"Dude can you just back off for a second, this doesn't involve you," Christian shot back rudely.
Alex stepped between Christian and I protectively, "doesn't matter. Yer in my house right now and I won't have you speaking to her like that 'ere."
Christian rolled his eyes and grit his teeth hard. "Come on Orion, we're leaving."
"Chris—" I sighed exhaustedly.
"She can make up her own mind you prick," Alex spoke for me. "She's not yer property to drag around wherever you want."
"Fuck off," Christian spat.
"Christian!" I exclaimed. I didn't want this situation escalating any further. "Can you stop? Let's talk about this later okay?"
"Talk about the fact that you went behind my back the first chance you got to hookup with someone else whilst I went home feeling like absolute shit and thinking of all the ways I could make it up to you?" Christian provoked. He always knew how to make me feel so guilty so fast.
"Chris I'm sorry," I said, my eyes stinging with tears, "I'm sorry okay? It was a stupid mistake and I take full responsibility but I'm sorry Christian! I'm so sorry, I hate myself so much for it, it never should've happened and I know that being on a break doesn't justify it but—"
"I can't believe you Orion," he said to me. "You're unbelievable sometimes."
It's almost like he never did anything wrong too. I hated that I couldn't stand up for myself when it came to him. I hated that I would always let him victimise himself and get away with it. And I hated that I never hated him for it. I always hated myself.
"Don't turn this on her," Alex said, his voice harsh and sharp like I'd never heard it. "You're the one who treats her like dirt and makes her feel like shit all the time. Don't manipulate her because of her one slip up. You're the one who's controlling over every aspect of her life and correct me if I'm wrong mate but you were the one who was messaging other girls while you were in a relationship."
Christian glared at Alex but he didn't budge. Then those green eyes met mine and I shrunk instantly. "You couldn't even keep it between us," he said, "you just had to go and tell everyone without even trying to work it out with me."
"Chris—" I started.
"You know it wasn't what it looked like and yet you still went around and acted like I'd been cheating on you," Christian accused.
"Were you not?" I exclaimed. "Why else are we supposed to be on a break?"
"I explained it to you!" Christian fired back. "We're on a break because you act like a fucking child and can't even trust me! You're twisting things so you can justify what you did last night!"
I was so close to giving into him again and letting him unleash his wrath on me just for all of this to go away. I was so damn close to loosing all my dignity for him again. But before I could Alex spoke up again.
"You should go," he said firmly. "I don't want to see you here again, you can see yourself to the door."
Christian glared at Alex in shock and rage. He wasn't used to being stood up to. And he wasn't happy about it either. But the furious look on Christian's face couldn't even compare with the wrath on Alex's. If looks could kill, Christian would be six feet under.
It almost scared me, how angry Alex was. I'd only ever seen him kind, smiling or drunk. He looked terrifying when he was upset as it became a war of wills on who was going to back down first out of the two of them.
This wasn't what a relationship should be. We were terrible to each other and I was so damn blind to how toxic we'd become that it only became real when Alex began speaking up. This is all my fault.
"Stay out of this," Christian said harshly. He was trying to intimidate Alex but it wasn't working one bit.
"Fuck off man," Alex scoffed. "I'm sick and tired of seeing her hurt by you and if you think for a second I'm going to let you treat her like that anymore you're fucking delusional," he shot back. "Get the fuck out my house."
Christian shook his head, "you don't even know her," he spat, thinning his eyes at Alex. "Don't speak for her because you barely even know her."
"Christian stop," I said.
"Be quiet Orion," he said, making my stomach sink.
"Get out mate, I'm not asking twice," Alex said firmly. Christian grit his jaw so hard I swear I could hear his perfect teeth cracking, steam coming out of his nostrils and ears. He looked to me, expecting me to say something or go with him and I did neither. So, like a child, he stormed out, slamming the front door and left, muttering cusses and horrible words under his breath.
As soon as he was gone I didn't know whether to feel pain or relief. I still wanted to fix Christian and I and now it seemed impossible.
"Hey," Alex said tentatively, turning to look at me with guilt and worry laced tight into his expression. "You okay?"
I swallowed the hard lump in my throat to get rid of the dry feeling and nodded.
"I'm sorry if I stepped out of line," he said, moving closer to me, "I know it weren't my place but I couldn't just stand ther—"
"No no, it's okay," I said, finding myself wrapping my arms around him tight, almost shaking for a reason I couldn't understand. "You didn't do anything wrong...thank you..."
Alex just hugged me tight and stroked my hair soothingly, "don't thank me. I just can't see him treat you like that."
I closed my eyes and took a moment just to hug him tight in place of all the things I wanted to say to him. Whenever Alex got involved everything just became so much more real. Hearing him say all the things I wanted to to Christian cemented them in reality. And it was terrifying.
Inhaling his scent as it settled my nerves, I forced myself to pull back as guilt flooded my veins. "I should go," I said quietly.
"What?" Alex asked, confused.
"I'm so sorry he came here and shouted at you and that you had to deal with that," I sighed, "I just need to clear my head a moment so I can sort this all out."
"Orion..." Alex said softly.
"Thank you so much for everything," I said to him, grabbing my phone and clutch from the night before off the kitchen bench. "I'm so sorry to burden you with all that shit."
Alex shook his head, "what are you talking about? Yer not a burden. He's just an asshole and he's making you think you're the only one in the wrong. He has been hurting you and humiliating you for so long and you've put up with all of it."
"I know, I know," I said and lifted a hand to my head, "but it was my fault this time. I fucked up so bad and I need to fix it. I'm so sorry, I just need to go."
Alex looked at me helplessly and sighed in defeat. The way he looked at me broke my heart. I was so torn between whether I was allowed to still be upset with Christian or if what I had done was worse and having to accept full guilt for it. I could see in his eyes that he was both disappointed and heartbroken, both of us seeing how foolish I was when it came to Christian and neither of us knowing what to do about it.
"At least let me give you a lift," Alex said quietly.
The car ride was mostly silent despite both of us having so much to say. Alex no doubt wanting to speak the one unutterable fact that Christian and I should just break up. And I was considering it like never before, the only thing was that I felt like I had no right to break things off because it was me who went and hooked up with someone. I just wanted everything between us to be fixed. More than anything.
We pulled up in front of my house, my head still throbbing from my hangover as the constant reminder of my bad decisions and what they'd led me to. As I opened the passenger's side door to get out Alex stopped me with a hand on mine.
"O," he said quietly. His voice almost shaking. I looked back at him and almost crumbled as my eyes locked with his. Fuck, how I just wanted to stay with him forever and erase Christian from my life. I watched as a thousand lost words flashed across his face. All of which he never said.
"Despite being drunk, you looked fantastic last night," he eventually said.
I managed a laugh and squeezed his hand, forcing a smile at his beautiful face and stepping out the car, letting our hands fall apart and knowing he hadn't said what he wanted to.
"You didn't look too bad either. Message me when you get home safe okay?" I asked him.
Alex nodded, letting that one curl of hair fall over his forehead, "will do."
I didn't hear from Alex nor Christian for the rest of the day. Leaving myself to roll in regret and debate on what to do with myself. My perception of myself was more ruined than it was before. I felt sick with myself and what I'd done. This year had become both the best and worst of my life. Christian and I had never been so broken and there wasn't a thing in the world I wouldn't give just to have what we used to. And like a nightmare disguised as a miracle, the next morning I woke up to the chime of my door bell and opened the front door to find Christian; eyes red, paper bag of two muffins like he always would and apologies rolling off his tongue. Just when I was accepting that we needed to break up for both of our sakes.
He told me he forgave me because it was a drunk accident I was honest about and admitted that he had been treating me like shit for a long time. He begged for me just to hear him out one last time because he couldn't live without me and knowing he was hurting me. He promised me he'd be better and if he wasn't, that I was entitled to leave him at any point without explanation. But worst of all, he professed how much he loved me, just like he used to. And I hate myself so much for it...but that glimmering sliver of hope was enough for me to give him one last chance.
I just wanted to feel happy again. Even if that meant not actually being happy at heart.
And the most frustrating aspect of it all was that, unknown to me, Alex was a couple meters down the street when Christian had showed up. Ready to say everything he didn't the day before and convince me to do what I thought was the impossible. But when he saw me and Christian talking on my front step and then me inviting him inside, he turned away. And had he gotten there before Chris, or had I just so much as seen him down the street...I fucking hate myself so much...I would've broken up with Christian then and there.