Alex
I tried to convince Zach that this was the worst time to ditch the college tour, but he has already planned everything. On contrary, he tried to convince me to ditch the trip with him. But I knew how fucked up we actually were.
The graffiti had made it clear that someone was out there being suspicious about everything.
Jessica was suspecting Zach, but I told her that even if how Zach was behaving right now he would never do something like that. Moreover, he was actually surprised and kind of proud of whoever did the graffiti on the administration office doors. So I don't exactly see him doing this.
Not to forget, Zach being the good friend he was, there was no mention of that kiss on the roof last week. Our behavior was normal, no trace of any awkward moments between us which I was thankful for. He picks me up in the morning sometimes and drops me home everyday. Just like before the kiss happened.
The other thing that has been on my mind since then was, what was I?
I never saw myself as gay. I have had sex with Jessica who is my ex, then with a prostitute where Bryce had took me. I have masturbated watching the girl in every porn, so I have never ever doubted my sexuality. But after the kiss with Zach, I'm having some thoughts.
Last week I watched the man in every porn, and I actually liked it. Then I watched gay porn too, which kind of turned me on. So now I was guessing that I could be bisexual.
Another thing I gathered was I don't have any feelings towards Zach. I don't really understand why I kissed him on the roof then, but now I just see him as my best friend. Which is good because I didn't wanted to loose him over some dumb feelings.
I realise that I have time to think over all this in the future, because right now my main priority is to focus on the Sanderson college tour.
The buses dropped us off at the main entrance of the campus, from where it was visible how big the campus actually was on contrary to Principal Bolan saying it's a small university. It was close to home though, as it just took about 20 minutes to reach here.
We started walking inside, looking around and admiring the greenery. People were chatting excitedly, but my eyes were looking at Zach who managed to get through the crowd to the other side. Tony and Jessica were talking near him, and I also saw Mr. Jensen greeting Clay, Ani and Justin in the front. Tyler was behind me chatting with Winston Williams, who I later realised was the new kid from Hillcrest.
I was thinking about how everything is normal for now, when we were told to get divided in two groups. I stayed in the right group with Tyler, while everyone else went in the other. But suddenly Clay broke away from his group and started walking beside me.
"Hey, Alex, you okay?"
Trust him to ask me that after such a happening morning.
"Can we make a rule that we stop asking each other that?" I looked at him, but his attention wasn't even on me.
"Um, I'm gonna walk with you," He said, patting my shoulder once. "I just gotta..."
He pointed to somewhere and was about to jog away, when the teacher in-charge saw him with our group.
"Clay Jensen, back to your group, please."
Clay squeezed his eyes shut, as he realized whatever he planned wasn't going to work.
"Fuck, shit, okay." He turned to me now. "Can you keep an eye on Tyler?"
What?
"Wait, what? Did something happen?"
As far as I knew, everything was normal with Tyler. He was being a high school student, completing homework, making friends and going on a college tour. That's why Clay's request to watch over him was weird to me.
"Nothing. It may be nothing." He replied. "Just watch him, all right?"
"Okay." I agreed and Clay turned to leave. But then I remembered something else. "Wait. Will you do the same with Zach?"
I asked this knowing if anyone have a clear mind, it's Clay. Maybe he will put some sense into Zach's mind. Or just maybe keep Zach out of trouble.
"You don't think he would do anything, do you?" Clay asked, confusion clear on his face.
"I don't fucking know anymore." I replied, as the teacher shouted at Clay again and he went to his group.
Looking around for Tyler, I spotted him ahead with Winston.
"Hey, Alex." Tyler greeted me, as I joined him at his side. "This is Winston. He is in the yearbook committee with me."
"We already know each other." Winston said, surprising Tyler. "Met during a party last summer."
I nodded at Winston, remembering the first and last time I've met him.
Bryce had took me to that party, where Monty has joined us too. Due to some weird reason, Monty had beaten up Winston that night. I had felt bad for him knowing how getting beaten up by Monty felt like.
Beating people wasn't new for Monty, it was like a regular thing for him. Someone does something he doesn't like and they get beaten up. So maybe it's a good thing that he wasn't around now.
We continued the tour with Derek, our tour guide, as he showed us various buildings in the campus.
"Sanderson University is known for it's state-of-the-art facilities." He was explaining to everyone, as we all continued looking around the place.
"I'll catch up with you guys in a bit." Tyler suddenly said to me and Winston, as he started going elsewhere.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"The entablature on this building, it's really impressive." He replied to me, excitement clear on his face. "I want to get it."
"He loves his architecture." Winston said, as Tyler started clicking pictures with his camera.
"Yeah."
Because it's true. Even before I knew Tyler, before everything with Hannah happened, I always saw him with a camera in hand. He would take pictures of each and everything happening around the school, so I judged him to be a weird nerdy kid. Looking back at that time, I would've never guessed that we would become such good friends.
"You guys been friends for a while?" Winston asked, as we continued walking with the group.
"Uh... kind of since last year." I replied, observing Tyler. "He's a good guy. He's strange sometimes."
"Can be a little awkward."
"Yeah, though not as awkward as Jeremy the tour guide."
We chuckled, as Derek continued explaining about him being a slasher like most students here. He used the air quotes, which cracked us both again and we started joking about it.
After all the stress it felt kind of nice to joke around with someone who wasn't awkward around you, given your past.
Winston was a good guy to hang with on the tour, as Tyler stayed busy with his camera. He was easy-going, kind of laid-back and just friendly to be with. We joked about many things around, chatting about various topics.
I managed to keep an eye on Tyler the whole time, though hanging out with Winston made me forgot how fast the time on tour went by.
"But on the other hand," I said, as we made our way to a bench under the trees. "It must be kind of nice coming to a school where nobody knows your history."
The tour was nearly done now and we were waiting near the exits for the other group to arrive.
"Um, yeah." Winston replied, thinking it over. "Well, that's true."
"Yeah, sometimes I wish that," I tried saying, but then I realised he wouldn't understand on what context I was talking about. "I mean, I don't know."
"What?" Winston asked, as we made it to the bench and sat beside each other. "What do you wish?"
He was looking at me when he asked that. I could feel his eyes on me, but I was looking at my feet as I thought what should I say.
"There's just a lot of shit that I wish never happened."
That's an understatement, to be honest.
"Like what?" He asked, but I knew that I couldn't say much to him.
"Oh, like, um..." I started, then decided to go with the safest thing. "I tried to kill myself."
Yes, I regret that I tried to kill myself. At first I really thought that I was doing everyone, or more like myself, a favor by ending the suffering. But that didn't happened, and I actually got good friends after everything.
Moreover, everyone in school already knows this, so I wasn't revealing much.
"Oh, Jesus, I," Winston said looking at me, but I just continued looking at the ground in shame. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, me too." I glanced at him. "Hugely."
We remained silent, and I realised how awkward I made the conversation.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make it awkward." I apologized, looking at him. "I just don't talk about it very often."
"No, it's not awkward." He replied. "You should talk about it."
I just nodded at him in return, because this was something everyone suggested at that time. My therapist always tried to get me talk but I couldn't at first, seeing I had lost my memories. Then when I figured everything out about why I did it, I realized that I can't just share this with anyone.
"Sorry I got quiet." Winston continued. " I just..."
"Well, I mean, what can you say to that?" I interrupted him, and chuckled in hope that the awkwardness will dissolve.
"I'm glad you're alive?"
Yeah, that's a good reply.
"Thanks. Yeah." I nodded, then looked at him. "Yeah, me too."
I looked in the distance at Tyler, who was now clicking pictures around the trees.
"And I'm sorry that I didn't stay at that part last summer," I continued, seeing this was a good time to say that. "Just to make sure that you were okay after Monty, you know?"
Winston remained silent and let me talk.
"I just...needed to get out of there."
"No, I get it." He replied, shrugging.
"You know, Monty beat the shit out of me once." It was such a long time ago, but I needed him to know he wasn't the only one.
"Why?"
"It's complicated."
It was more than complicated.
If someone ever decided to write a book or create a series on all that happened in Liberty High, well that would actually be quite interesting.
We stayed silent, sitting beside each other. I could feel Winston's eyes on me as I stared in distance.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on mine where I had it on my side on the bench.
I faced Winston, who was looking at me with a weird look on his face.
Shit, was he gay? Did I gave him some signals?
"Um..." I started, looking at his hand on mine and then removing it from underneath his. "Sorry, I'm not... I'm not gay."
Who are you kidding, Alex? You don't even know yourself.
"Oh." This time it was Winston who was looking down and me who was staring at him. "Shit. I thought maybe, uh..."
At that moment I realized that Winston was actually good looking. He had his hair styled neatly, eyes full of dreams. He was a great person, altogether. And when he kept his hand on mine, I was just taken aback because I didn't expected him to. But in all honesty, it felt nice.
"No." I smiled at him. "Don't feel bad. It's okay."
If Zach could forgive me for kissing him, then of course I was okay with Winston assuming that I could be gay.
Winston chuckles at me. "Okay."
Damn, Alex. It's time for you to figure yourself out.
×××××××××××××××
It's the start of #Winlex everyone!
I'm kind of excited to do this even though my favourite ship is #Chalex.
Also, the book is No.1 on #Chalex!
Thank You all!