It's like you looking into darkness
And can't find a way out.
When something hurts your body so bad
It stops hurting
And you start to shut down.
The only thing that's close to living
Is actually killing you....
For this chapter, listen to everybody dies in their nightmares by xxxtentacion.
I walked towards the winery in the kitchen and also pulled out a bottle of ciroc. I was so determined to get high and forget all my problems. I opened the bottle and immediately swigged the spirit down my throat, without stopping.
Once I felt the burn, I stopped for a moment. I closed my eyes half way, scrunched a hand inside my hair and sat on a chair. I placed my head down on the counter for a couple of minutes, maybe thirty, and opened my eyes.
Everything seemed blur, shaky....and beautiful. I stood up from the chair and found myself walking...not knowing where I was moving. I leaned against a wall for support, but it didn't give me enough support.
I got on my knees and started crawling on the walls. I laughed my lungs out and fell on the floor, laying on my back. I stared at the ceiling and saw Kiana.
"I love you, Xhey." She smiled at me.
"I love you too, baby." I smiled back.
"Please don't ever give up on us." She frowned.
"I will never. Trust me. I will fight for us. I won't accept to marry Yosef. Ok baby." I smiled the more with a few droplets of crystal tears falling down my cheek. Who knew breaking down could feel so beautiful.
Then that moment reached.... when my breath started to slow down. I felt dead inside. My tongue felt dry and my throat felt numb.
I panicked inside, at the tightening of my chest, muscles trying not to let another breathe in, but instead to die.
Then my head was heavy, bringing on a haze where thoughts were going nowhere and even the emotions were dull.
"Xhey." I heard a voice call my name.
It sounded far, but near.
"Xhey." The voice called out again, shaking my body so roughly.
"Xhey."
I stared at the ceiling, trying to stand up... but my limbs seemed not to work at all. And just like that.... I passed out.
*
I slowly opened my eyes, glancing around. I was in my room and in bed. Yosef and mum were in my room too, but they had fallen asleep. I slowly removed Yosef's arm that was lingering around my torso, and struggled out of bed.
I tried creeping out of the blanket, when I saw my hand attached to a drip. Why was I on a drip? I forcefully pulled it off my hand, feeling the pain, but I didn't care. I stepped on the floor and tiptoed to the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were scruffy and my mouth was too dry. Who knew, I'd become one of the persons addicted to drugs. I guessed things change when depression is your only friend that understands you.
I'm honestly scared of these drugs...but I need them. I need to feel something. I need something to go to shit, something to be imperfect...for me to feel safer.
I sighed and traced my hand behind my jean pocket. I pulled out the few remaining tablets of the drug and sat on the floor. I crushed them on my palm so that it could be easier for me to swallow. I brought my hand closer to my face, and opened my mouth.
"Stop it." A deep voice whispered in my ear.
I blinked my eyes, and slowly shifted them to the side. When they met with Yosef's, my breathing rate became rapid and I hurriedly struggled to take the drug, but he caught my arm.
"Don't do this to yourself. I beg you. Drugs are so terrible. Trust me, I've been there. I know what I'm saying. You'll ruin your life...please."
"Let me go." I barked at him.
He didn't listen to me and continued to hold my wrists, when the drug fell on the floor.
"Now look what you've done." I scoffed at him.
"Just look at yourself. Are you happy with the way you look right now?" He questioned me.
"You have no right to lecture me. Ok. Now let me go." I cried fidgeting to remove my hands from his.
"Just let me be." I wailed and stopped fighting back.
I sat still and gave way to the enormity of my depression. I sobbed into my hands and the tears dropped between both mine and Yosef's fingers. My breathing ragged, gasping and the strength left my whole body.
Yosef let go of my wrists and pulled me close to his chest, rubbing my back slowly to calm me down. I pulled away, looked at him in anger.
"I'm not marrying you." I widened my eyes, dried the tears off my face and stood up.
I gave one more glance at the drug on the tiled floor, thinking of a plan and moved out of the bathroom.
"And you think I'm going to accept that?" My mum stopped me. I looked up at her.
"Mum. Stop forcing me into something I don't want. It's not fair." I roared at her.
"I'm old enough. I know what's wrong and what's right." I continued.
"No you don't. You think being a lesbian is right...which is wrong." She roared back at me.
"Because it is. Love is love. Don't you get it? How many people need to put sense in that ignorant head of yours? Pastor...."
Before I could complete my sentence, I felt a sting on my right cheek. I shakily clutched my cheek, eyes getting watery. I gazed back at mum with bitterness.
"Don't you ever.... come at me like that. I'm your mother."
I sighed heavily.
"Now I know the reason why dad left you for a man....YOU'RE A FUCKING BEAST." I yelled at her with my mouth shaking, trying not to break down.
"How DARE YOU." She shouted and brought her hand next to my face.
I closed my eyes in fear because I knew the next thing was a slap. I trembled, waiting...but she didn't slap me. I slowly opened my eyes and saw that Yosef had held her arm, stopping it from connecting with my cheek.
I rolled my eyes and hurriedly ran out of my room, down the stairs and to the front door. I touched the knob and so that the door was open. I smiled sadly and immediately opened the door before mum and Yosef could catch up with me.
I ran to the parking space but my car wasn't there. Then I remembered I left it at Lindsey's. I sighed and walked out of my premises. I got to the road, walking in hope of boarding a taxicab. Luckily one passed and I stopped it. I entered in and I was driven away.
"Where would you like to go ma'am?" The driver asked me.
"I don't know. Anywhere." I replied resting my head against the window mirror.
"I just can't take you anywhere. You need to tell me where exactly you want to go."
I raised my head up and gave him an intent look through the rear view mirror.
"Shut the fuck up and drive me anywhere." I barked and took a deep breath.
When I realized I was so rude, I apologized to him.
"I- I'm sorry. Maybe you could take me to the lake front trail downtown."
He gave me a quick smile and started the engine. I rested my back and head on the seat, remembering what just happened a few minutes back. I couldn't believe what my mum did to me. She slapped me... all because of who I am. I started doubting whether she was my real mum. She was supposed to be on my side, not Yosef's.
I touched my lips and felt a small cut on it. Mum had really hit me so bad. I searched my jean pockets for my phone to act as a mirror, but it wasn't there. Shit, I left it back home. I felt the world turning against me.
I decided to go to Kiana's home instead. I directed the driver and after about twenty minutes, we got to her place.
"Thank you so much... but I have no money with me at the moment. But I can go borrow from my friend, a-and pay you." I explained trying to find my way to Kiana's house.
"No, it's ok. I understand. I feel like you have a lot of problems. Take this as a favor from me." He smiled.
I smiled back and got to Kiana's front door. I rang the bell and Jim opened for me. I greeted him and immediately walked upstairs to Kiana's room.
I knocked it and she opened the door for me.
"Xhey.... I didn't expect to see you."
I lowered my head. "Ye-Yeah, I know."
"Is something wrong?" She questioned me.
I glared back at her and this time the tears welled up in my eyes.
"Talk to me." She put on a concerned look.
"My mum knows about me." I fearfully spoke.
"What do you mean?"
I gasped. "She knows I'm gay."
She raked a hand through her hair and told me to enter inside. I sat on her bed and looked down my fingers.
"How did she react?" Kiana asked.
"Rude... and I'm going to get married soon.... to Yosef."
"What?" She shouted.
"No, this can't happen. I can't let that happen." She clutched my cheeks.
"You are meant to be with me. Please Xhey. Don't do this to us. I beg you."
"I know. But...." I swallowed a lump of tears in my throat. "My mum just can't listen to me. I tried. Know that I tried to do everything possible for her to be on my side, but she just can't."
Kiana fell silent and let out a heavy breath. She looked like she was thinking, but I couldn't tell. She finally spoke up.
"I'll talk to your mother myself."
"Wh-what?" I blinked uncontrollably.
"I'll talk to her, and tell her that I love you and so do you."
"She won't listen."
"Then lets run away... go to a place where she can't find us." She held my hands.
"I don't know." I looked the other side.
"Come on Xhey. Just look at what she even did to your lips. They're bleeding. Do you want to face this everyday when you're with her?"
I literally couldn't think at this point. I just couldn't, I don't know why. My mind was engulfed in blackness. The courage I had left was gone and I didn't know how to tell it out to Kiana.
I slightly choked in my own voice, but somehow I struggled to speak.
"Lets go... and out of this country."
She smiled and placed her lips on mine.
Hey loves.....so uhm, this chapter took me almost two days writing it. I kept thinking on how to pull out a real drug scene...since well, you know... I've never taken drugs before. Please leave comments below and tell me how it is. Is that how a person on drugs feels? I don't know.
And please guys....DONT FUCKING DO DRUGS. IT AINT GOOD. Thank you 😊.