Gotta be honest. It's taking me a lot longer to update because I kept thinking if I'm going through the right plot lmao. Anyways, HYLT soon! Keep supporting blinks :)
-jennie-
In movies, whenever your ex sees you after a long time, and it happened right when you're in someone else's arms, it would normally trigger jealousy.
If that someone else is just a friend, like Mino is to me, I would have acted like he was more than a friend to me to drive Lisa away-if this was a movie. But Lisa was so hurt, it was etched on her face.
I know feeling guilty is no use when I've put her in pain for so many times already, and if she's this hurt right now, I can't even imagine how hurt she was all these months that I left her.
Pain was something I managed to hide all these months I've stayed here on New York alone, and seeing her again feels like my scars popped open once again.
"Take a sit," I told her as I picked up some trashes on the floor, "Sorry I was in a hurry this morning so I haven't had time to tidy up a bit..."
When I turned to her, she's looking around my apartment mindlessly.
My apartment isn't too big, but it's large enough for a single person to live in.
"Uhm, do you want anything to drink?"
"I thought you wanted a fireplace," she dragged her stare back to me, her eyes void of any emotion.
She promised before that we'd live somewhere with a fireplace while I take my masters abroad...
I slid my shaky fingers on my jeans as I took a deep breath, "Yeah, but there's no place with one around here and it's inconvenient to put one so..."
"Yeah, inconvenient," the word sounded bitter from her lips as the side of it went up, "I forgot that's what you do when things get inconvenient for you. You just... forget about it, move on, abandon it, whatever."
She hates me.
No, Jennie, you don't have the right to cry. Don't fucking cry and have a little shame.
"L-Lisa..." I looked down on the floor as I can't look at her in the eyes anymore. Not when those eyes that used to adore me is now full of hatred.
"You were there when I woke up," it wasn't a question, but she told me that as she stepped closer to me, "I know you were there that day. Jisoo and Rosé also told me you were there the whole time I was unconscious. You didn't fly to New York for me, and I know your parents didn't force you to still leave the country when that accident happened."
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, still looking down on the floor. I was afraid I might unleash some tears and sob right then if I look into her eyes.
"Sorry? Interesting," she laughed dryly, "I tried everything to fucking reach you even when I wasn't able to move fully, Jennie. You did everything to cut me off your life and I couldn't fucking do anything when my body wasn't even cooperating!"
Every word she spat were like daggers thrown straight to my chest.
My lips wobbled as my vision became blurry with tears, "I-I'm so sorry..."
"Don't you fucking tell me you were guilty because if it were, then your fucking guilt caused me pain twice as painful as the physical pain I felt! You're a goddamn coward Jennie!"
Every word coming from her were full of spite that I couldn't help it anymore but let the tears fall.
"Fuck!" she curses, running her hands on her hair frustratedly while turning away from me.
She's right, I'm a fucking coward.
"You fucking infuriate me Jennie Kim," she whimpered in a hoarse voice, although it's a bit calmer now. Her shoulders were shaking violently, and right then I knew she was trying not to show me she's weeping.
My sobs became uncontrollable as well as my tears.
I want to wrap my arms around her and beg her to take me back. Hell, I'm dying to be in her arms and let her cry it all out... which I don't deserve.
Am I greedy?
"I didn't fly all the way here just for you to torture me with your silence," she was seething with anger, turning around with her eyes and face red, her fists balled, "Don't you have anything to say? Because heck, I have a lot to say, Jennie."
I brought my gaze back to the floor, "What do you want from me, Lisa?" I asked in a defeated one as exhaustion took over me.
The small steps she took towards me made me take a few steps back as I felt the hard wall behind me.
"You're far from the woman I fell in love with," her voice cracked while her forehead creased with anger. I flinched when she slammed her hand on the wall beside my head while leaning closer.
I know she would never hurt me no matter how fucked up I am. She has never been this angry with me before, I never thought I'd see her explode like this.
"Y-You won't be happy with me," I sobbed.
"Bullshit! I was never happy without you!" she gritted her teeth, tears strolling down her cheeks.
I squeezed my eyes shut because I couldn't tolerate the pain of seeing her cry any longer.
"Did you think you were being selfless? Or are you being selfish? You're driving me crazy Jennie," she breathlessly whimpered, "Because I couldn't even make my own judgement anymore. Every thought I had when you left me, every word I wanted to tell you, they all vanished the moment I saw you in someone's arms. Shit. I wasn't even here to be a masochist and just want you back. I was here to fulfill my promise, to follow you."
I covered my mouth with my hand to try stopping myself from sobbing but it's only getting worse.
"I came here to finally put an end to this, because I can't just move on without a word, Jennie. You know I can't."
I feel like a glass of cold water was splashed all over me. I didn't know my heart could shatter any further, but it did. Of course. I lost her. There's no way I'd be able to pick up the pieces anytime soon.
I knew I've lost her the moment I left her, but her saying those words out loud.... This is really the end of us, isn't it?
"I know I look stupid," she lets out a bitter laugh, blinking away some tears, "That I came all the way here to break up when it must've been long over for you. You... You obviously found someone else."
-lisa-
Our relationship used to be stable enough that we actually try to fight over small things just to have something to argue about. Sometimes we'd act as if we'd break-up, both of us knowing that's far from happening because one of us, if not both, would eventually come and apologize.
Breaking up used to be impossible for us, just something that we would shrug off our minds.
Her eye make up is all smudged as tears kept falling on her eyes. I wanted to wipe them away with my hands, but fuck it I can't.
"H-He isn't..." she tried to say.
I shook my head, "It doesn't matter."
I'm afraid our relationship is beyond repair now that all these damages has been done.
I'm too hurt to focus on my love for her, while she gave up long ago. Everything is so tiring.
Silence.
Her silence is deafening.
I hate it so much.
"You can at least pretend that you didn't see this break-up coming, you know?" I chuckled dryly, sliding my thumb under my eyes to get rid of the tears, "It's not fair that you're always leaving me behind, Nini. I'm always stuck right where you left me. Foolishly."
If anything, it only made her cry her heart out even more. It hurts more when she's hurting. That's how it's supposed to be when it comes to love, right?
Why are you still hurt, Nini? Why can't you just be happy so I can be angry at you for once.
"That's no fair still," I spun around slowly, letting my back face her as I let more tears fall, "I can't say goodbye without having the urge to hold you forever. Fuck. I've always known you're it for me. Help me out here, Jen..."
"Me too...."
She wouldn't even ask if I want her back. I know I shouldn't expect it from her. I know she wouldn't.
She'll let me go every chance she gets. That's something I have to accept.
I squeezed my eyes shut, my fist clenching on my shirt just above my chest.
"It would've helped having a bitter break-up," I shook my head, laughing while trying to even my breath from all the crying, "Not a sweet one."
"Okay..." she breathed deep, then I turned to look at her. With her lips quivering and her eyes never running out of tears, she pursed her lips.
"So you're breaking up with me?" Jennie played her part well.
I would've been amused if only it didn't destroy me inside.
I slowly nodded my head, seeing with my own eyes how my first love slowly breaks right in front of me.
"Alright," Jennie said as another set of tears pooled on her eyes before turning away from me, "Just.. Just make sure you won't regret it."
I fucking wish.
I couldn't help it.
With one step, my hand on her arm, turning her around, I clashed my mouth on hers greedily. Again, foolishly.
Just this once. I want to remember this moment, to etch it on my mind.
And when she kissed me back, I almost thought I'd beg her to take me back, to want me back.
Fuck, Lisa.
When I pulled away, resting my forehead on hers as I tried to catch my breath, it felt as if there's a ticking bomb inside me.
Ten.
I opened my eyes and stared at her feline ones, none of us speaking, but both of us crying.
Nine.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
Eight.
Her eyes were saying she would, too.
Seven.
It hurts so much.
Six.
Someone stop the time.
Five.
How did we end up like this, Jennie?
Four.
I closed my eyes, lifting my lips to press one last kiss on the top of her head.
Three.
She wrapped her arms on me. Tight.
Two.
"Goodbye Jennie," I murmured on her hair, leaving one last kiss before I stepped back.
One.
She lowered her head, not saying a thing. Her shoulders were shaking.
I'm getting used to her silence. It's what sends my sanity explode into foolishness.
But from now on I won't be hearing anything from her again so I better be used to it.
I can hear my heart breaking into pieces each step I take, though. Somehow it makes everything worse, because even when I'm the one who left this time, it hurts even more.