a/n: seriously tho, this chapter gave me so much trouble, because for so long i was just building up to Next Wednesday, and then when i got there i just- didn't know quite where to go after that. once i got into the flow, it wasn't too bad, but anyway, my writing gets a lil worse with writer's block, so pls bear with that.
.nishinoya.
i laid on my bed and stared at the ceiling.
i was just trying to comprehend everything that happened. asahi would be leaving after graduation.
i had always thought he was sticking around.
and of course, i wasn't going to stick around, but at least i was planning on waiting til my last year of uni before i left for italy.
i guess i need to restructure all my fantasies of the future accordingly then.
we won't be able to spend time together outside of school unless it's a holiday or something. and that's thinking optimistically, if he decides to come and visit.
i wanted to talk to ryū about it, and i would-- in a couple minutes. but for now my head was swimming, and it felt like i couldn't focus on anything with all the new information i had just absorbed.
so i sort of let my thoughts wander how they would please, and just let my brain sort everything out by itself.
///
when i finally opened my eyes and grabbed my phone again, i saw it had been closer to fifteen minutes than five.
i shook my head slightly and rubbed my eyes, trying to shake off this weird, groggy feeling.
i clicked the call button. it rang and rang and rang, but... he didn't pick up.
i frowned.
a minute later i got a text from him saying he was already in a call with ennoshita, but if i wanted to call back later that would be fine.
i sighed and flopped back down.
everything about this afternoon and evening, and honestly just this whole day in general feels... wrong.
it's hard to explain, but somehow the vibes are off.
i banged my head back against my pillow a couple times, kicking around a bit to try to release some of this nervous energy.
then i plugged in my headphones to listen to some music. i scrolled through my library until i found a song that fit the vibe. arrow, by half alive.
'life begins to happen when i plan something else. trying to be somebody, but all i got was someone else. my plan's always changing, always rearranging, no. slow it down, release control, slow and steady, let me know.'
i covered my face and squeezed my eyes shut as the lyrics washed over me.
my plans did seem to be changing quite a bit recently, especially with this big revelation. and i guess i was trying to be somebody, but i didn't stay that way.
and by somebody, i perhaps mean asahi's boyfriend. 👁👄👁
'the hardest place to be is right where you are. in the space between. the finish and the start. it's the arrow in your heart.'
oh shit, now these lyrics were really resonating.
it was pretty hard to be around asahi these days when i just couldn't seem to get over him. just being friends with him was so difficult, but i hoped it would get easier with time.
'i'm fast and i'll end up exhausted. out of breath, thinking where i went wrong. this heart is afraid to beat slowly. miss a chance at what I could become. i know that i can't run forever. but i can't stand still for too long.'
i clenched my fists a couple times.
it was true, i did want to keep going and improving myself as fast as i could, and for as long as i could.
but i can't keep going at this rate forever. i would have to take breaks at some point.
but if i stopped going for too long, what would happen to me?
i don't think i would be able to get up and keep going if i did that. i would lose my momentum and burn out.
but is it better to burn out or burn up?
if i kept pushing myself too much, and flew too close to the sun, i would never be able to come back. at least, not easily.
i groaned.
"hhh, what am i supposed to do now? should i try to feel better or just sink into this weird mood and feel worse by listening to my sad playlist?"
i kicked around a bit more as i thought about it, and decided to listen to my sad playlist first, then try to feel a bit better.
i clicked my playlist called 'sad boi hours 😪' and pressed shuffle.
the first song that came up, was, of course, asleep by the smiths.
i remember asahi introducing me to this band a long time ago.
"it's an english band that was really big in the '80s! i just discovered some of their music and i think you'd like it!"
i sighed and turned onto my side, curling up into a ball.
'sing me to sleep. i don't want to wake up on my own anymore.'
i curled up even smaller than i would've thought possible and scrunched my eyes shut.
'there is another world... there is a better world... well, there must be...'
i tried to regulate my breathing and felt my heart speed up. this didn't feel right. my stomach hurt.
why do i feel so anxious all of a sudden?
is this what asahi goes through all the time?
god, i feel awful. i don't get anxious a lot so i never really think of how bad it really feels.
and to think, just a couple hours ago i was at practice, joking around with friends and felt perfectly fine and happy.
i took a shuddering breath and abruptly sat up. i needed some water.
i crept downstairs, and once i could be sure the coast was clear of parents, i got a glass of water, and ran back up to my room.
i drank it all in about three gulps, then slammed it down on my desk.
i was breathing heavily, and it didn't seem to be slowly down.
fuck. fuck.
what should i do? should i call asahi? he probably knows more about dealing with anxiety than i do.
but no... i think talking to him might make this worse, and cause me to think more about why i'm anxious in the first place.
should i try ryū again? no, he's probably still in a call with chikara, and i don't want to bother him.
should i try kinoshita or narita?
i glanced at the clock. narita's probably doing homework and i wouldn't want to bother him.
kinoshita it is then.
with shaking fingers, i put in my passcode, having to try a couple times before i actually got it right. then i went to my contacts and clicked on the call button for kinoshita hisashi.
it rang and rang.
"hey, noya, everything all right?"
i forced a laugh.
"absolutely not!"
"that's not good... what's wrong?"
since this wasn't a video call, i couldn't see what his face looked like, but i had a pretty good idea of the expression he was making.
"it's hard to explain... the vibes just feel off, and it's making me feel super uneasy and anxious. plus i keep thinking of everything that asahi just told me and that doesn't help much either."
"oh shit, that's right, you mentioned you were gonna talk today. so he finally told you the reason behind the breakup?"
i took an unsteady breath, a little uncomfortable that he could talk about this all so casually, and like it wasn't still tearing me apart inside no matter how much i tried to get over it all.
"yeah, he told me... i'm not sure it's my place to share anything right now, but... it was really shocking. and... at first it didn't really sink in, but now i'm having more time to process it, and... i don't feel so good."
"i'm sorry to hear that... i'm not really sure what to say... but i'm sure everything will be fine. maybe you should try to distract yourself somehow, or go to sleep early and see if you feel better when you wake up?"
i sighed.
"yeah, i guess that sounds good... thanks."
"no problem."
"i think i should be going now... bye."
"are you sure you don't wanna talk any more about it?"
"yeah... i'm sure. goodnight, hisashi."
"...goodnight, yuu."
i hung up, threw my phone down on my bed, and paced around the room for a minute.
i flopped back onto my bed, and plugged my headphones back in.
that call felt wrong too...
god! i just want this to stop! i feel like if i slept early though, i might wake up feeling worse...
i clicked play on the next song and slumped back down on the bed.
i heard the first few notes drifting through my headphones. calm me down, by american authors.
'everyone tellin' me what to do, what to think, where to be. but every day, every day, every day's fillin' up with my anxiety. i can barely open up my eyes. open up my eyes, eyes, eyes.'
i put my hand over my face to cover my eyes. this almost felt like too much.
'i need you here to calm me down. i don't know if i can stay strong, hold on, for too long. i've been lost. i need you here to calm me down.'
that was it. the straw that broke the camel's back.
i paused the song and opened my contacts again, this time selecting azumane asahi.