I sat, cross legged behind The Tree of Souls, my elbows resting on my knees as I held my head up, staring up that the glowing willow like strands of the tree, my mind empty of thoughts for the first time in a very long time. I could hear the snores of a few Omaticaya on the other side of the tree, sleeping the night away. Ca'lil was quiet, leaning into my side, not asleep but not talking either.
I looked out of the edge of my eye at her, only to find here eyes closed, her head facing up to the tree like she was praying to Eywa for help. I looked up at the tree as well, staring at the tree with no thought.
But one.
I need sleep.
I know that, I know that sleep is needed. I cannot go into a battle half awake, half asleep, but yet... Here I am, awake, unable to convince my cowardly soul to return to my human body and deal with the immense pain I am feel just a small fraction of. In this body, I feel like my soul found it's right host. Here, I am sure of myself and what I am doing, sure of my actions even through my fear. Here, I feel like I am who I was always meant to be, and maybe that is true because of Eywa choosing me at birth.
In my human body, however, I feel so many unpleasant emotions. If this body was the walls I hold up with no break in the barrier, then my human body is the pieces hidden deep in the pits, the fear, the pain, the weakness. There, in my human body, I do not feel like the strong person I once was. Things terrify me more, and emotions I wish would go away plague my thoughts.
Having two bodies is hard, especially when you wish with part of your soul that your soul could stay in this body. The other half of me cries out for Tulte, cries out for The Great Mother Eagle and the Elders of Tulte. The other half of my soul begs for this pain and agony to end, to give up and let me be at peace.
That side of my soul is a part I hate, I hate that I just wish it would all end, the pain, the suffering, the agony mixed in with the good. Maybe it's just my mindset. I am sure knowing of one's approaching death can do a number on their mental health and happiness, and maybe that is what I am feeling. I don't know for sure, I don't know much of anything anymore.
I stared up at the tree before doing something I never never done before. I closed my eyes and, without connecting my queue or speaking aloud, I just spoke to Eywa.
I don't know if this works, or if you can hear me, but I just wish to speak. So much has changed, so much in me has changed and I struggle to orient it all. I put on a good show for the Omaticaya, for the clans now readying for battle around me, but I know in my heart that is nothing but a show for their strength and hope to remain. I don't know if Tsu'tey can see through that show or not, there are times I think he can and it scares me. I put on a good show, but I am terrified. Terrified of death. Terrified of the coming battle, of loss, and, as much as I hate myself for it, of you, Eywa. It is hard for me to say, and I don't quite understand what changed, but connecting to you in this new and confusing way I unlocked is terrifying. I feel more than myself, I feel more than one or two creatures, I feel all of them all around me, singing, hunting, playing, fighting, and defending. Thousands of instincts bombarding my mind at once, too much for any sane person to withstand.
And yet... I have somewhat done so twice already. Am I already insane? Did I guarantee the loss of my mind? Why can I withstand that pull, well somewhat withstand the pull, and come back acting normal? Is it all just a front?
What I truly hate, is knowing I am a week or maybe days from my end. I know it's coming, I can practically feel it lurking just around the corner, waiting to pull me away from the home I have built. Before the fall of Hometree, this thought hurt a lot more than it does now. Is it horrible of me to just... want to be away from the pain, the loss, and the grief? For months I have clung onto the edge of falling down a deep pit of depression, forcing myself to pull up strength I didn't know I had to keep my head above the dark waters.
My human body's days are numbered. My days are numbered. So many things I wished to do, so much I want to be and so much I wished to change coming down to this single moment. I am proud to help the Na'vi, to give all the knowledge I can to ensure they survive, not only this battle, but the years to come. The Tulte have a saying and one I love, 'Give the idea machine an inch and it will go a mile, but place a guiding hand into the ideas and they take a new form.' Tulte may not have electricity or technology, but we do have our creative minds, which is how we created such arrows that I now willingly give this well guarded secret to the Na'vi. Maybe one day, long after I have passed, the Na'vi can push Sky People from their home here and insure they never return. If Tulte can take out machines twice the size of ones we are seeing here, I can see Na'vi doing the same.
I... I only ask one thing, Eywa, just one thing. I thought sadly, my face scrunching up from the pain of such a thought, Please, please let Tsu'tey survive and be happy when I am gone. It hurts, it hurts a lot to think of him moving on, forgetting me as his friend, but I really do want him to be happy.
All I ask is that he is happy and alive after I am gone.
I sighed and opened my eyes, looking down at Ca'lil, who was staring at me with worried little innocent eyes. I could see her pain, her pain that the loss of her home, her parents, and families she knew. Yet I could also see that she was worried about me. It hurt to think she has come to depend on me a lot more than anyone else, but I will give her all the love and care I can, like I would have done if I had a younger sister before my parents passed. Me and Ca'lil have a lot in common and, though we do not share blood, since saving her life she has really become the child I am most fond of. I will be the older sister she never had for as long as I can.
I smiled sleepily at her, "I need to get some sleep, Ca'lil, why don't you go join the other children?" I asked quietly. She frowned at me more and hugged me tighter.
"I not want to leave you, I scared of dreams." She whispered. I sighed, combing my hand through her hair. Normally I would be prefectly okay with this but since this body is not truly my own, I can't wake her from nightmares in the middle of the night.
"Ca'lil, I am a Dreamwalker. I have another body and, when I sleep in this body, I wake up in that one. I won't be able to wake you from nightmares." I said sadly. She still hugged me tighter, looking up at me with bright eyes. I sighed, deciding at least my avatar can offer her some comfort while I am gone. I picked her up, wrapped her in my arms and found a cozy spot of moss for the two of us.
She wrapped her arms around me, her head buried in my white hair as I combed my fingers through her braids, my eyes fluttering till I fell asleep.
I gasped quietly, opening my eyes to the light blue light inside The Link Chamber. I held completely still, my entire body locked in place from shear pain as I listened closely. I could hear Trudy and Norm stomping around in the other trailer, but luckily no one is in this one, making me sigh in relief as I fumbled shakily for the release hatch, sighing as the overhead lifted itself. I looked around my trailer, seeing a few things have been moved to the other trailer, but my fridge remained untouched, mostly because it doesn't have anything Norm or Trudy need.
Carefully, I placed my feet down on the ground, my jaw gritted so tightly my teeth ached as I fought to keep the loud whimpers down. I carefully stood, stumbling to the fridge, luckily no more of my leg is getting locked up, so maybe I have a bit of luck in that part. Yet, the unpleasant cold feeling of my stomach is a lot worse, making me worry my lip between my teeth as I opened the fridge and pulled out my next dose of the painkiller mix. I have enough for another week, which is probably all the time I have left.
I drank it down, not caring at how disgusting it is as I nearly sobbed in relief at the pain, sagging against the counter as I hung my head, looking up with exhaustion at the trailer around me. I moved to the mirror and stared in horror at my sickly looking face, hollow cheeks and sunken eyes. I looked like walked death and honestly it horrifies me. I looked in the direction of the other trailer, grimacing as I heard sounds I definitely did not want to hear coming from Trudy and Norm.
Maybe I will just stay over here....
I pulled out a jerky bar, frowning at the dropping amount of them before taking a bite, pulling my water out of the fridge as I untied my ponytail, letting my frayed and dead looking hair fall and cover the horrible look of my face. I looked over at the mirror before quickly turning it to face the opposite direction. I grimaced at sounds I didn't want to hear and did something I normally don't do.
I pulled out an old I-Pod. Tom gave it to me when I needed to focus while training for the Avatar Program and, with my hatred of technology, I never really used it. I plugged in the earbuds and laid down on my Link, pulling up my blanket and pillow, surprised with what I heard come through the I-Pod. It wasn't music, it was the smoothing sounds of a running river, birds chirping and all manner creatures that once roamed Earth.
The sound was soothing and made it to where, finally, I could sleep.
Well, leaving it off there, still got more to write before the battle starts, trust me. I know it's a shorter chapter but there isn't a terrible lot I can add to this one. Enjoy!