How long will I be like this?
Because all I want to do...is cry
And scream, and let it all out
Because it's killing me inside....
For this chapter, listen to slow fade by Ruth b.
"First of all....breathe. That's what matters most. You'll calm down, Xhey." The voice in my head spoke.
Oh lord, I wanted to faint. I closed my eyes. It's a dream, yes it's a dream. I smiled in my head....but I was so sad. I opened my eyes. They met with Yosef's. He was waiting for my answer.
"I...." My voice suddenly choked.
Everyone was looking at me...waiting. Should I say no and be free for the rest of my life? Or yes and suffer a heartbreak forever. I pretentiously smiled.
"I....will." I breathed a sigh.
Again, I made the worst decision. What is wrong with me? I thought I said I didn't care about the world and will do anything just for Kiana. I guess all that was left for me to regret every single time.
The guests clapped theirs hands cheerfully. Yosef softly placed the diamond ring full of crystals on my last forth finger and stood up. He gripped my waist, pulling me close to him. He connected his lips on mine and I felt a rush of nausea in my mouth, but I contained myself. He buried his face on my neck and whispered.
"Now you have no chance with that model."
A shiver of fear ran through my spine.
I whispered back. "You didn't have to do this."
"I love you and will do anything to make you mine forever."
He pulled away and smiled at me. I knew it was a fake smile. I smiled back too and walked away from him.
I got into the kitchen and immediately the salty waters formed in my eyes. I couldn't keep them in any longer, allowing them to drop down my cheeks. They flowed down into my mouth so that I could taste my own sorrow.
With a lot of anger, I grabbed the glass on the table holding it tight, and threw it roughly on the floor. It shattered into pieces...just like my heart.
"Hey Ms." a girlish voice softly spoke.
I turned around. It was a young girl, so cute. Her eyes were icy blue. She had a smooth skin with small freckles sprinkled about like confetti. Her small button nose completed her small forehead and blunt cheek. Her hair was a lovely whiskey, the color of fallen leaves browned and sleek with the first rain of autumn.
"Hey cutie." I smiled wiping the tears off my face.
"Why are you crying?" She asked with a doleful face.
"Nothing sweetheart. My eyes are just sweating."
"But eyes don't sweat. It's our bodies that sweat."
"Oh." I lightly chuckled. "I didn't know. Thanks for educating me."
"It's ok." She smiled and came close to me. She placed her soft milky hands on my cheek.
"I guess you're crying because you're happy, that you're getting married."
"Oo-ohh." I stuttered.
"That's what most brides do. They call it..." she placed a finger on her chin like she was thinking.
"Tears of joy." She cheerfully spoke.
I chuckled, but I wasn't exactly happy. If only she knew what I was feeling.
I pulled her close to me and gave her a warm embrace.
"You are so cute." I muttered in her ear.
She chuckled. "Thank you."
"Daisy." Someone startled both of us.
The young girl pulled away from me and turned to face... Miranda.
"Auntie." She stood up and ran close to her.
Auntie? Miranda was her aunt? Which also meant Yosef was her cousin. Woah. It really is a small world.
"Get back to the living room and play from there, not here." She commanded.
"But, I don't wanna play there. I want to be with Yosef's girlfriend." She folded her arms around her chest and gave a serious look.
I chuckled.
"Well, you can be with her later. There's cake cutting in the living room. You wanna miss it?" Miranda raised a brow.
"Noo. I don't wanna miss it." And just like that, she ran out of the kitchen.
Me and Miranda both chuckled.
"Wow, she's a very bright and beautiful kid."
"Yes she is." Miranda replied.
She walked close to me and sat on a chair.
"Come here. I wanna talk to you."
My heart was beating at a fast rate. What did she want to say? I got a chair and sat next to her.
"You know. Yosef used to tell me about this girl he laid his eyes on three months back, but he never mentioned her name. I was so curious." She smiled.
I smiled too.
"He used to say, she has those beautiful brown eyes that remind him of autumn season. Her skin is pure chocolate. Mum, you know that dark chocolate that's sweet, decadent, crunchy, rich, delightful and gets your mouth watery at the sight of it? And I was like yeah, I do know it."
My smile couldn't seem to break when Miranda described my skin.
"That's her skin."
So I asked him, "Are you talking about Samantha?"
He said "No, that's my past."
She sighed before continuing.
"I saddened a little bit to be honest. Because, Samantha was a sweet lady he introduced to me. But of course, it was two years back and yet he was talking about three months ago."
"Ooh!" I exclaimed looking down my fingers.
"Yes....But you know what?" She placed her hands on mine. I raised my head up and looked at her.
"He made me like this girl that didn't have a name. He said she was so stubborn, playing hard to get, but he would do anything to get her, which he did. So yesterday, he showed me a diamond ring." She slightly choked in tears that wanted to drop down her cheeks.
I wanted to break down too, but I bit my lower lip in a hard line.
"I asked him....wh-why he has a diamond ring. And he said tomorrow, which is today...he'll give it to the girl of his dreams."
She pulled out a wide smile with streaming tears. "I never knew it would be you Xhey. I'm so happy. I'm so damn happy you're going to be my daughter in law. You are so beautiful, sweet, kind, understanding...everything."
"Miranda ....thank you."
She pulled me into a warm embrace, her chin sleeping on my shoulder. Her tears dropped down my skin, causing me to tremble. She pulled away and wiped the remaining drops on her cheeks.
"Am I interrupting?" Yosef startled both of us.
"No darling, you're not." She sighed.
"I think I should give you two love birds some privacy." She smiled and walked out of the kitchen.
It was now me and Yosef alone. He walked next to me and draped my waist. I looked down the tiled floor.
"Here, it's clean. You could use it." He pulled a cotton handkerchief out of his pocket.
"I don't need it." I responded.
"Why is my future wife so rude to me?"
I looked up to face him.
"You shouldn't have proposed to me. I...I don't want to get married to you." I sighed heavily.
He knitted his brows and parted his lips.
"Wh- why?"
I pulled out of his embrace and walked next to the kitchen window.
"It's not going to work out Yosef. Believe me." I exhaled.
"And why won't it work out?"
"Because." I sighed.
"Because I love Kiana. She's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. She's always in my mind...in my heart."
I choked in tears. "I just can't seem to function without her....Yosef."
I turned to face him. "Don't do this to me."
"I will not let this happen." He gripped another glass on the table, tightening it on his hand.
It slowly broke and I saw blood coming out of his palm. I shifted my eyes to his. He was so angry, and it looked like he wasn't feeling any pain at all from the broken glass.
"Yo- you're bleeding." I stuttered in fear.
"This pain is NOTHING compared to the one in my heart." He barked at me and threw the broken glass on the floor.
I gasped and trembled in fear. What would he do to me with such anger? He slowly walked close to me and gripped my arms roughly. My breathing rate became rapid. I felt a tiny rush of pain pierce through my skin. Probably the broken pieces of glass that remained on his palm.
"What is going on in here?" My mum shouted.
Yosef immediately let go of me. Thank you God. You love me. I sighed.
"Nothing Ms Wilson."
She puckered her brows. "Doesn't seem like nothing to me. And why are you both bleeding?"
I traced my eyes on my arm and so that it was bleeding.
"Ms Wilson. I have something to tell you." Yosef started.
"I'm all ears." She looked so serious.
"Your daughter is a lesbian." He spoke flatly.
My mum blinked her eyes in shock and shifted them to me. I bent my head down.
"But how is that even possible? Because she accepted to marry you."
"Believe me Ms Wilson. You can ask her for yourself."
I couldn't believe this was actually happening to me. I wanted to fucking die.
"Is this true, Xhey?" Mum muttered softly.
My blood was boiling in fear. This wasn't the right time and place I needed to come out to her, but I guess I had no choice left, thanks to Yosef.
Here goes nothing.
"Yes mum. He's talking the truth."
She fell silent for a couple of minutes. Couldn't tell what she was thinking about, but I guess she was hurt. Because ever since I was a kid, she knew I was straight.
She walked close to both of us and pulled me aside. She held the top of my shirt roughly.
"You can't be a lesbian. You hear me?" She said.
"I will not accept that." she continued.
"But mum. Things change, people change and feelings change."
"SHUT. UP."
I closed my eyes, letting the tears flow down.
"I WILL NOT. LET. MY DAUGHTER. BE A LESBIAN. AS A BLACK WOMAN, I WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT." She spat the words straight to my face.
I trembled.
"Ms Wilson. Let her go." Yosef pleaded.
"Stay out of this young man." She barked.
I opened my eyes. Her gaze was still on me. Her eyes were bitter and burning.
"Mum." I sniffled.
Tears dropped from her eyes.
"Do you know the reason why I'm not with your dad?" She gasped.
My heart stopped beating.
"Because your dad... is GAY."
She tightened her fold on my shirt. "He chose me over a fellow man and fuck, God knows how I struggled to raise you without his help."
She broke down. I broke down too. This was not the way I expected to have known my dad. Why does my life have sharp ends in it? I was breaking every now and then.
"So, I will not accept you to do the same as your father. You will not humiliate me. You get it?" She gritted her teeth.
I choked in my breath. She let go of me and headed out of the kitchen.
Narrator
Yosef tried to come close to her, but she stopped him. She was so hurt and it was all his fault. She ran straight to her room and locked the door. She sat down and folded her knees above her chest, crying her heart out loud...but she just seemed not to calm down.
She didn't know if she should be angry at herself or life. She just didn't know. She didn't know.
She stood up and leaned her forehead against the wall.... "Why do I deserve this? Why?" She wailed.
Back at the party, Lindsey was looking for her. She knew she wasn't happy about Yosef's proposal. As her best friend, she had to go comfort her. She knew Xhey was vulnerable and scared to come out as a lesbian. She also knew, she would rather suffer a heartbreak for the rest of her life than come out. She couldn't blame her though.
She walked to the kitchen and found Yosef bandaging some cuts on his palm.
"Hey, have you seen Xhey around?" She questioned him. Probably he knew.
He turned his attention to her and answered. "I don't know. Maybe she's in her room."
Sounded like he didn't care. She rolled her eyes and got out of the kitchen. She climbed upstairs to Xhey's room.
"Xhey." She shouted behind her door.
Xhey didn't answer. She was in a crying session and didn't want to be disturbed.
"Come on Xhey, open the door." Lindsey pleaded.
"Leave me alone." Xhey finally answered her.
"Please...just let me in."
After about five minutes, Xhey tried to cool down and opened the door.
Lindsey's face was full of pity. She gasped and followed behind Xhey to her bed.
"Baby, I'm here for you." She parted Xhey's back like a young kid.
Xhey stood up from her bed, lips shaking and body trembling.
"My dad is gay Lindsey." She broke down again.
"What? I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
"Now mum cant accept me to be with Kiana, because dad chose a guy over her. She feels hurt. And I feel hurt too. I feel mum's pain."
Lindsey felt Xhey's words enter deep in her heart and without hesitating, she pulled her into an embrace.
"Baby. I don't know what to say right now...but I'm here for you. Okay. I'm here for you."
She whimpered on Lindsey's shoulder and suddenly, she just stopped crying.
Something came up in her mind.
"I want to do something." She pulled away from Lindsey, tears still buried in her eyelids.
"I hope it's not stupid." Lindsey sounded scared.
"I want to do drugs." She smirked with swollen eyes.
Lindsey's eyes grew big, like they could almost pop out of their sockets.
"No no no no. You can't do that. Please. Don't. I beg you."
"Come on. It's just for the night. Trust me." She whispered.
"I'm scared for you. You've never done drugs before."
"I know...but I can forget my problems for the night."
Lindsey kept mute.
"So where are you going to get them?" Her facial expression so serious.
"I don't know. Don't you know anyone who sells them?"
"I don't."
Xhey sighed, thinking. Then she remembered Lisa.
"I know who can get me."
"Huh, Who?"
"Yosef's friend, Lisa. The last time I met her at the party, she was smoking weed and she also looked like she does drugs."
"Are you seriously going to do this?"
"Yes I am." She answered straight forward.
"If you're going to do this, I'm doing it with you. That's what best friends are for." Lindsey smiled at her.
She smiled back and got her phone out of the jean pocket. She went on Instagram and searched through Yosef's posts. When she saw a picture of him and Lisa, she tapped the tag and it took her straight to Lisa's profile. She directly messaged her.
"Hey Lisa. It's Xhey."
Lisa didn't reply and yet Xhey was getting so impatient. But after about fifteen minutes, she replied.
"Xhey?🧐 From where?"
"Come on🤦🏾♀️ Yosef's girlfriend. Remember we met a month ago at a party?"
"Ohhh😂😂 brownie. Wassam."
Xhey chuckled a little at her text.
"None. So uhm...do you supposedly have drugs😅?"
She took about five minutes without replying.
"Why?"
"I wanna try them out.🙂"
"🤣you too young for that shit."
"Fuck you."
"I can fuck you instead😏"
Xhey rolled my eyes.
"Come on, I'm being serious. Can you get me drugs?"
"When?"
"Now."
"🧐 meet me at River dale."
She gasped. River dale?
"So where did she say that you guys are meeting from?" Linsey inquired.
Xhey galloped. "River dale."
"What? Forget it Xhey. We are not going there at this hour of the night. That place is too dangerous." Lindsey breathed heavily.
She was so scared.
"I know...but I have no choice."
"Come on. Please listen to me." Lindsey pleaded.
"If you're not coming with me, then it's okay. But I'm going."
Lindsey had no choice, but to support her best friend in this. Xhey got her purse and car keys and they crept out of the party.
————————————————————————
"I need 100 dollars for this shit." Lisa smirked.
"What? You didn't tell me that I was paying you." Xhey murmured.
"Lol, you thought I was giving you this shit for free? You're not my boyfriend."
"You're straight?" Lindsey raised a brow.
"But not fully. I can fuck you if you want." Lisa smirked.
"Stop flirting. What's the cheapest you gat?" Xhey asked.
Lisa chuckled. "Ecstasy. 15 dollars per pill, 40 dollars for the powder."
"Give me that." She said pulling out some cash from her pocket.
"Wow... you've even given me extra." Lisa yapped.
"It's getting late. Just give me the shit."
"I'll give you the powder...it's fucking LIT. Just one sniff for a starter like you, and your gone." Lisa smirked.
"But wait. Why are you doing this?" She continued.
"I have a lot in my head."
"Like?" She raised a brow.
"It's complicated."
"Well, make it uncomplicated." She snapped.
"I'm just gay. That's all."
"Oh." She laughed hard. "Anyways... here." She handed Xhey the powder.
She thanked Lisa and walked back to her car. Lindsey entered too and they started back to her home.
"I'm so scared." Lindsey hissed.
"It's ok if you don't wanna take it. But I'm trying it out."
Lindsey sighed heavily and looked out the window. The drive became silent until they reached Lindsey's home. They climbed up to her bedroom and sat on the bed.
"So, how do we take this?" Lindsey inquired.
"I don't know. Sniff it." Xhey chuckled.
She spoke confidently like she was a pro at doing drugs.
"I can't believe we're actually doing this."
"Me neither."
Xhey got some powder and placed it on a paper. She closed her eyes...and sniffed it.
"Fuck!" She cursed.
"How are you feeling?" Lindsey asked with her brow raised up.
Xhey chuckled hard. "Goooodddd."
"Snap out of it. It's not funny." Lindsey scoffed.
"Okay. I'm still fine. But maybe we could dissolve some in juice or water."
"I have some juice in the kitchen."
She stood up and went down. After about five minutes, she came back with two glasses of juice. Xhey poured the powder in both glasses and mixed it. When it fully dissolved, she drank it. She didn't stop to breathe, until she finished her juice. Lindsey did the same and smiled at her.
*30 minutes later
"I feel sooo happy." Xhey smiled hard at the ceiling. She just couldn't seem to stop smiling. She felt light headed, like the world was roaming around her.
She struggled to stand up from the floor and spotted girls on the bed. She smiled. They were five of them, dressed in the same outfit. Willing her legs to move, she staggered and found herself down on the floor again. "This is cool." She thought to herself.
She had never felt like this before. She was in a state of euphoria.
She decided to crawl until she reached the bed. She touched one girl. Lindsey. She smiled harder. She gripped Lindsey's thigh, forcing her body to stand straight, but she instead fell on top of her.
Lindsey chuckled hard, triggering Xhey's laugh buds to become active.
"You're so pretty, Xhey." She whispered seductively.
Xhey bit her lower lip. She was so high and turned on at the same time. Maybe she could taste her best friend for the first time. She thought to herself and smirked.
"Y'all should mind your fucking business." She shouted to the other girls that resembled Lindsey on the bed.
"Yeah, you should." They all spoke.
She chuckled so hard again, and got back to the hot blondy. She buried her face on Lindsey's neck and planted soft wet kisses on it. Lindsey moaned, making her get turned on the more.
She grabbed Lindsey's face on her hand and connected their lips. Her tongue found Lindsey's and they played with each other.
Her other hand didn't have the manners to behave, caressing Lindsey's neck as it escaped to her breast. She squeezed it and her nipple became hard at the touch of it. Xhey rotated her fingers around that area while Lindsey moaned in her mouth.
Their bodies were both burning in pleasure.
Xhey gasped and pulled away, removing both her shirt and bra, exposing her big juicy breasts. Lindsey bit her lower lip when Xhey reached down her and pulled her dress up to waist.
She had on striped panties and Xhey reached for the waist band, pulled them down over her thighs and got them over her ankles and off of her. Her beautiful pink pussy came into view. Xhey could see her cheeks coloring into embarrassment, but leaned forward and kissed her again.
"Do you want me to lick you?" She whispered with a moan near Lindsey's lips.
She didn't respond but nodded.