TW// MENTION OF RAPE, RAPE AND SELF ESTEEM ISSUES: SELF SHAME AND DISGUST
It's been an entire year. One whole year and yet, Donghyuck can still feel the impression of that man on his skin. He still relives himself scratching, screaming and pushing off the obviously larger man each night. He still can't forgive himself for being at the club that late without Mark. He still can't forgive himself for what he was wearing. He hasn't been able to look at himself in the mirror and smile since.
Of course, Mark continuously attempted to reassure Donghyuck that it wasn't his fault. He tried to tell him that he was still pretty, beautiful and desirable and had nothing to be ashamed of. He tried to let him know that his rapist was in jail and that now Mark would never leave his side, to ensure that he was safe. But, nothing worked.
And that hurt Donghyuck the most. It hurt that he knew he was hurting his boyfriend by rejecting Mark's affection each day. Mark hadn't tried to be intimate with him since that day but Donghyuck still hasn't been able to even hug him since. He hasn't been able to understand why he still said he loved him, when he hadn't even kissed him in twelve months. He didn't understand how Mark still said he was cute when he was used, disheveled and discarded.
Donghyuck stood, facing his the mirror. Anywhere he is in his life a whole 365 days later was thanks to Mark's dedication to him. He had quit his job so Mark picked up another to continue to care for them both. He has to eat each day and care for appearance because Mark has made sure he would keep himself well. He was thankful, appreciative to his boyfriend for sacrificing so much for him when he doesn't deserve it.
Even though Mark tries not to show it, Donghyuck knows he's not happy. He's not happy working almost nineteen hours a day at his two jobs and on top of that he has a good for nothing lazy boyfriend that can't even care for himself.
He watched a few tears fall from the brim of his eyes. He heard himself complain about himself each day, but it's not like he didn't believe it.
He decided that he needed to do something for Mark. He needed to pull himself together because he felt like a burden and he knew he wasn't worth it. From today, he would stop lounging around and stop being a burden. He would make Mark happy to be with him for the first time in a long time.
He wiped the coming tears and scratched the dried tear stains from his cheeks. He let Mark's sweater hang from his wrist, covering his long fingers and took a look around his room. He had moved into a tinier room with a convertible bed when he couldn't manage sleeping so close to Mark but today, he planned to move back.
He cleaned up and cleared away the rubbish that he built up on the floor and the grub off the walls. His heart hurt as he cleaned. He assumed it would be easier to move on when he started to tidy up and be productive, but he still felt broken. He still felt useless and it caused his heart to cry.
But he pushed on, through his embarrassment of how disorganized and messy his and Mark's little house had become, he cleaned for the entire day. Feeling physical exhausted after a hard day's work for the first time in what felt like forever.
He listened to music while he cleaned and smiled and danced for the first time in a long time. His heart lifted slightly as he kept himself occupied; his mind cleared in the tiniest bit. But as soon as he plopped down on his couch in his small victory, his dark thoughts returned. He no longer was occupied and the voices in his head run wild.
He felt scared of being home once again. He shuddered in fear, clutching his body, sinking into the softness of the couch. He fell asleep with the sounds of demons knocking on his brain.
Two hours later, Mark arrived home to the sight of Donghyuck trashing around in his sleep. He ran to the younger boy, quick to embrace him. Mark brought his frail body to a seated position, slowly bringing him from his slumber. His eyes seperated slowly, cuddling his head between the crook of Mark's neck with his arms wrapped around him.
Mark was a bit taken a back with how forward Donghyuck was being with his contact. He hasn't so openly touched him in a while, it caused his eyes to water slightly. He hugged him back, tenderly, fearful that Donghyuck would recoil in fear. "You cleaned up, baby?" Mark's voice wavered. "You didn't have to..."
Mark felt sorry for not being capable of taking care of Donghyuck and the house properly. He wasn't able to pride himself in being the precious breadwinner that was able to take care of everything. His heart felt heavy seeing Donghyuck having to force himself to clean up the entire house when he felt he should be doing that.
"I felt like I had to." Donghyuck whispered into Mark's skin. It lit up the cells right under his mouth. They haven't been so close for so long and it healed Mark's wounds a little. It felt amazing just to have Donghyuck in his arms once more.
"You don't have to, my love." Mark's hand rubbed on Donghyuck's back and Donghyuck didn't realise just how much he had been missing Mark's touch. He didn't realise how therapeutic it was to just be in the arms of someone you love. "Is it okay if kiss you here?" Mark pointed to Donghyuck's forehead, receiving a small nod.
Mark smiled but still didn't move right away, trying to gauge if this was actually a good idea. But he couldn't hold back too long and pressed a soft peck to Donghyuck's forehead before cuddling into his heat for a little longer.
They remained in the slightly uncomfortable position, neither moving. It was just the calm raising of their chests between them that banded their connection.
"Mark, I want you to have sex with me." Donghyuck's voice was soft, damaged, broken.
Mark tried not to react too dramatically. He only straightened his spine, looking down at the younger boy, "What? What do you mean?"
Though Donghyuck didn't want to move, he retracted his limbs from Mark's and tried to make eye contact with him. "It's been a year, Mark. We both have needs and I don't want you to start hating me."
"I could never hate you, Hyuckie." Mark pushed back the thought of holding Donghyuck's hand. He had gotten used to holding himself back from the scarred boy. Obviously, he wished it were not so as they were a very affectionate couple before this all happened so he just had to remind himself of the past whenever he craved Donghyuck's touch. "I will always love you and when you want to have sex one day in the future. Sure. But only when you're ready."
"But, I'm ready now." Mark tested Donghyuck's words, reaching his arms out to grasp at his boyfriend's jaw. But before he could feel the soft skin, his arms were swatted away in haste.
He was right.
He didn't want to act knowingly to Donghyuck so he just decided it was time for them to move on from this point. Mark was about to stand up, but surprisingly, Donghyuck held him down by the wrists. "I'm sorry." He paused, he didn't know how to say what he needed to say. "I don't know if I'm ready to have sex. I don't......but I want to stop feeling him as the last person to ever touch me like that. I'm tired of it. I want you to touch me again, Mark. I'm sorry for pushing you away all this time but I thought it would help me."
Donghyuck's hands slipped from Mark's wrists to squeeze his way into Mark's grasp. "I love you and I want you to mark me. Please." Donghyuck felt his tears fall again.
Mark's eyes watered at Donghyuck's conviction. He believed the boy but he was afraid of the inverse effects that could emerge, what if Donghyuck were to completely distant himself from him again. He feared that.....but he couldn't ignore Donghyuck's wishes.
"Do you want to stay here?" Donghyuck objected and they both went to their room. Mark noticed all the extra things in his room, reminding him of how their bedroom looked some years prior. "You're coming back?" The happiness in his voice was very evident. Donghyuck smiled, nodding excitedly.
Mark couldn't stop the smile on his face as he captured Donghyuck's lips on his. He tried to be gentle and slow but he was too overjoyed. He hadn't touched or caressed his own boyfriend like this in so long and he genuinely didn't know how much he actually missed it. His hands clutched the fabric on Donghyuck's hips, almost as if he was afraid of letting go.
Donghyuck's arms rested on Mark's chest. It was bliss in his embrace. His lips quivered under Mark's guide but the older boy didn't express any type of impatience or annoyance which he thankful for.
Mark spun them around, backing Donghyuck unto their bed where he now hovered over the boy. "I love you, Donghyuck. I love you." Their lips connected again, their resolve a little more vigorous but still considerate of Donghyuck's feelings.
Both their bodies lit up, they had deprived themselves from each other for too long and they were hungry. But, they knew there were to be limits.
"Can I take off your pants?" At Donghyuck's approval, Mark removed the sweat pants. He slowly planted his palms on Donghyuck's thighs, rubbing and kissing at his melinated skin. Pushing up his sweater a bit, Mark's tongue pressed to the skin. He swirled and nipped right at the band of Donghyuck's underwear.
He sucked on his lower stomach, leaving little pink circles on his skin, then cooling them with swirling tongue kisses.
Donghyuck's eyes squeezed together. He felt pleasure but it took everything in him to surpress his hands and legs from kicking Mark away. He felt another tear escape his closed eyes. Mark sucked at the salty liquid, kissing at his boyfriend's eyes as well.
"Please tell me to stop if I'm doing too much." Mark removed his clothes, pale and bare in front of Donghyuck's tense body.
He continued to litter Donghyuck's body with love and care. Soon enough, he stepped back and appreciated his creation, the pink and brown spots littered from Donghyuck's lower stomach to his thighs.
He grabbed his own erection's base without actually stimulating his dick. He removed Donghyuck's boxers, licking up and down the penis before swallowing him whole.
Donghyuck was not hard, he hadn't been since before that day but this is the closest he's been since then. He definitely was feeling a realm of pleasure he'd pushed to the back of his mind.
"You're so beautiful." Mark voiced on his partner's dick, sending a wave of vibrations through his entire body. A moan hitched at Donghyuck's throat but they still both felt it; it caused Mark to smile -he still has it.
Mark's tongue ran from the member to Donghyuck's asshole. He massaged the rim with his tongue, soliciting a toe curl and another hitched moan from Donghyuck. He quickly lubricated his fingers, pushing a single digit into his boyfriend's asshole while holding his hand.
Donghyuck screamed but it sounded more from fear than the expected scream of initial pain. Mark removed his finger immediately.
His face contorted in worry for his baby. Mark went to meet Donghyuck's face laid on the bed sheets. He pecked his lips. "Are you okay?" He observed the apprehension on the young boy's face.
"No..." His voice broke. Tears kept falling. "Just touch me for now, please." Mark's hand was guided to Donghyuck's penis which had finally started to harden.
"Okay, baby." Mark pecked at Donghyuck's cute face again. His hand circled around Donghyuck's dick, in companion with his tongue surging the tip of the penis. Donghyuck groaned out in pleasure, his hips bucking up in sexual desperation. His body was finally getting into it.
Mark smiled at the sounds he was hearing from his lover. He'd never gotten so hard after being deprived for so long. His dick was now erect, resting on his lower stomach, red and throbbing.
He couldn't ignore the cries of his own member, so he asked Donghyuck to change positions. Mark was now on his back and was straddled by Donghyuck. Their erections touched, evoking lewd sounds from the both. Hands on Donghyuck's hips, Mark guided Donghyuck's body to rock against his member.
This allowed them to share each other's heights as they felt the same pleasure and the same sensations. The sounds of hard panting and the slapping of bare skin together filled the hollow room.
Mark spat, the slick of spit was rubbed between both of their hard-on's while Mark attempted to share the handjob between both dicks. "I want you to cum for me, baby. Right on my face." His voice hoarse and rushed.
Donghyuck started to feel himself let go. His hips rutted more widly as he brought himself closer and closer to his high.
Mark took the chance in which Donghyuck was at his most sensitive and flicked at his nipples from under his now soaked sweater. Donghyuck now constantly had expletives and moans falling from his plump lips. The image, moving in a slowed version in Mark's eyes, was dripping in pure sex.
Mark's back arched from the bed, Donghyuck driving him over the edge. He cums in great content as ropes of his translucent cream stringed through the air.
At the sight of Mark, Donghyuck's hips bucked more, his bottom lip between his teeth. He too, released. His cum stained Mark's face and chest.
He rode out his high on the boy's waist. He looked down to Mark, pecking his lips. "I'm sorry for not going further."
Mark attacked Donghyuck into a tight hug. "I don't care. I love you and I'll never force you to do more than you're comfortable." He peppered his baby's cheeks. "We'll do what you what when you're ready. Whenever that will be."
Donghyuck doesn't really understand how he got so lucky with Mark. His life hasn't been the greatest but he owed it to himself to heal, one step at a time.
Date: June 6