-because i Realized i've only showed noya's sadness so far (seriously, this boy has cried At Least Four Times, but asahi's only shown being Guilty, Regretful, and/or Nervous so far)
a/n: you might wanna go back to "suga shoots asahi in the neck and is only a Little Bit Sorry" around the end where suga leaves the call for a quick recap on what's happening
.azumane.
"so then he asked if i was trans, which was confusing? i mean, i know i have long hair, and maybe he was grasping at straws, but-"
suddenly, i was interrupted by a concerned looking suga.
"hang on, asahi, i... i'm getting a call from nishinoya."
i frowned and daichi quirked his eyebrow up, looking confused.
why would noya call suga? why not talk to tanaka about it? that's what he said he would do anyway.
wait a minute...
"that's weird... i wonder why he isn't calling tanaka instead... maybe you should take it, it could be serious."
"are you sure?"
"yeah, it's fine. i'll just pester daichi."
"alright, sorry. goodnight for now, guys."
we each said goodnight, then suga left the call.
"i wonder what could've happened," daichi said.
"yeah... i hope it's nothing too bad."
he smiled warmly.
"i'm sure he'll be fine. sometimes we all need some of suga's advice, right? maybe he finished talking to tanaka early and needed some more words of wisdom."
it made sense, but i was still worried.
"yeah, maybe..."
"hey, look at me, okay?"
i realized my gaze had drifted from the screen and looked back at his face. he was wearing his most kind and reassuring expressions, and though i still felt uneasy, i was immediately comforted.
"you know nishinoya will be fine no matter what. he's a resilient little guy, right?"
"i mean, i... yes. he is."
"alright, now continue your emotional unload to me so you can get your mind off things."
"okay... where was i...?"
"at the part where he asked if you were trans?"
"oh, that's right. yeah, that was really weird, and i have the biggest amount of respect for trans people, but i'm just not sure why he would think i was trans... again, he might've just been grasping at straws there. but yeah, afterwards, arghh i chickened out and just said i'd tell him Next Wednesday, i can't believe it."
"true, but hey, like you said and suga said and i said, it's good to set a specific date to hold yourself accountable. of course, telling him then would've been ideal, but it's a good alternative."
"yeah, i guess... but noya did make a good point when he said i could just pull a fast one on myself and blurt it out..."
"well, since he suggested that, it wouldn't really be a fast one, would it? because you would be expecting it and he would be expecting it."
"i guess? but i could always wait until a little later when he wasn't expecting it and say it, or i could've said it earlier, or-"
"asahi, listen. what's done is done. you can't keep overthinking this, because-"
"actually, i can and i will overthink this."
he glared at me.
"azumane, i was not done talking, please do not interrupt me like that again."
i blushed, feeling like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"sorry, captain."
his expression went from stern to slightly bewildered.
"wha-? we're not even at practice?"
i laughed.
"you were using your stern, captain voice so it felt appropriate."
he rolled his eyes and smiled.
"yeah, yeah, you're just jealous that you lack the confidence to do something like that."
"actually, sawamura, i can have confidence sometimes, so don't tell me what i can or cannot do!"
i tried to put as much conviction into my voice as possible, but i wasn't sure if i quite fit the bill.
his eyes sparkled a bit, crinkling up around the corners as he smiled.
"wow, i'm surprised, that wasn't bad."
"thanks?"
he held up his hand in an 'okay' sign. 👌
"no problem, buddy."
"yeah..."
i let my gaze drift away from the screen again, and i wasn't trying to overthink, but-
"asahi."
i shook my head and looked back at the screen.
"sorry, what?"
"i could tell you were drifting again. anything else you wanna talk about while we're here?"
"well, you know how he said we would have plenty of time next year to spend together and he didn't mind waiting until Next Wednesday... god, i felt awful about it. i should've pulled the fast one then, but i would've felt bad about that too. the question is would i have felt worse doing that than not speaking up?"
"well, that's just one of those things you'll never know."
"yeah, i know. rhetorical question. but yeah, one last thing..."
"and what's that?"
"when he rejected my hug- god, that was embarrassing- it felt like he slapped me in the face or something. i just... i really want things to be the way they used to be, but i know that can't happen. at least not now, and even if... if we were to eventually get back together, things probably wouldn't be the same..."
daichi frowned.
"well... that doesn't have to be a bad thing does it?"
i bit my lip.
"what do you mean?"
"well, sometimes even if things aren't the same, it's because they're better. maybe things weren't all great the first time around, so the second time would be like a do-over."
"first of all, everything was completely perfect so shh, and second of all... who says there'll be a do-over?"
suddenly, my breath caught in my throat as i realized just what i had said.
i was aware of daichi speaking, but i wasn't processing anything he was saying.
my throat tightened as i thought more about it, and of course i had thought about it before, but now i was all coming crashing down on me like a giant wave.
i pressed my lips together tightly and felt a tear leak out of my eye, quickly followed by a few more.
"-sahi? asahi?"
"sorry, i just-" i hiccuped and covered my eyes with my hand. "i really miss him."
"i know, i know. and it's hard now, i know, i get it-"
in absolute shock, i jerked my hand down from my face suddenly.
"how could you possibly get it?! you still have suga and everything is perfect because you weren't stupid enough to break up with him and fuck everything up!"
"language! and listen, just because i haven't been in your exact situation doesn't mean i can't sympathize with you, okay?! this is the worst of it, and yeah, maybe things never will be the same. maybe you'll never get back with him, but it's not the end of the world. you'll move on and find someone else. someone better."
he sounded a little... wistful? but i brushed that off, call me selfish, but i was a little more focused on my misery at the moment.
"i guess you're right... i've gotta go now, sorry. goodnight, daichi."
"asahi, wait! i-"
i never found out what he was going to say, because i clicked the end call button.
i flung my head back on my pillow, clutching my phone to my chest.
as the tears ran down the sides of my face and into my hair, i couldn't stop thinking.
'what if i never stop caring about him? will i always be this sad? it definitely feels like it right now.'