Songs:
Six Feet Under~Billie Eilish
Still~Niall Horan
"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret"
Ambrose Bierce
~Em's POV~
"I not going to ask you again Emily what else are you hiding from me?" My dad stood in front of me, his voice dangerously low, this had gone on for 10 minutes now. Once he hung up the phone he went straight to asking questions and I went straight to crying.
I sat in front of him, a sobbing mess. I had my knees pulled to my chest and my head tucked between them, trying desperately to drawn out the yelling. I had told him everything, honestly. I told him how long this has gone on. I told him why Reese and I weren't talking. I told him everything that made me feel so worthless and he couldn't see that through his anger.
What he could see was that I was holding back something. He could see that I had a secret and there's no way in hell I'm telling him, not right now. Not ever. You'd think that being a profiler he could see that I was hurting or that I was scared. But right now all he could see was that I lied to him.
I knew that I had another 20 minutes of this before everyone would be here. And I knew it would only get worse.
"I'm not hiding anything!" I screamed back at him in a desperate attempt to make the whole situation go away.
"Don't you dare talk to me like that," He said lowly, nearing a whisper. Somehow, through my fear, I stood and stormed towards the stairs, or attempted to.
"You can't get out of this," My dad growled as he caught my wrist. I winced slightly but he didn't seem to notice. Not that he was noticing anything that upset me at the moment.
"I said I was sorry," I whimpered, causing him to release my arm. I settled my eyes on the floor.
"I know," He said, his voice softening. "I'm sorry too, I should have reacted differently," I shook my head, not looking up. I know that whatever I said triggered something, I know he's thinking rationally now, and I know that if I look at him I'll break down even further.
"I shouldn't be here in the first place," I whispered, not actually meaning for him to hear. I knew he did though when I felt him pull me in for a hug, lifting me into his arms. I found myself accepting immediately, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist, clinging on to him like my life depended on it. Maybe it did.
"Em it's okay, I'm just worried," He said, beginning to rub circles on my back. I don't understand what he has to be worried about. Maybe it's the fact that I hid a relationship with Henry. Or maybe it's more of what he doesn't know. Maybe he's worried that the girl he's holding is hiding more then he thinks, or at least something more serious then he thinks.
"Worried?" I asked, my voice cracking as the tears started to flow more rapidly.
"I guess you could say that I'm worried that because you hid this from me, you might hid something bigger," He said, pain evident in his voice. "Promise me Em, promise me that if you're ever in danger, if you're ever scared, or if anything is upsetting you you'd tell me. From now on no secrets," He asked, I could tell he was truly worried, at this point so was I.
"Dad..." My voice faded as I realized this was a promise I couldn't honestly make. Sure if I was being threatened or something he's the first one I would turn to. But some things I just can't tell him, I can't promise him that there'll be no secrets.
"What if I promise not to react like this again, if whatever you tell me our first focus will be to figure it all out. No more yelling or anything like that," I could tell from my spot in his arms that he was desperate, he wanted nothing more then for me to let him protect me.
"Okay," I crooked out between my fits of tears. "I promise." I wanted to let him, I really did but I knew deep down that he had no idea what I had fallen into. And to be honest neither did I.
"Please, tell me what else is bothering you," He whispered. I shook my head.
"I will, but not now. Give me some time and I will," I was sure he wouldn't have taken this answer, I knew that if he had a second longer to hold me, rub my back, promise me everything would be okay... I knew that he would have forced it out of me. But the second I finished my sentence there was a knock at the door.
"later," was all he said as he went to retrieve our guests for what I was sure, would be the longest conversation of my life.
A few moments later Henry, Will, and JJ walked into the room.
"Please have a seat," My dad offered them kindly. I looked to Henry and gave him a small nod, we both knew what it meant. My dad knew and his parents were about to find out. I knew my eyes had to be bloodshot and I still hadn't gotten a hold of my breathing, so while Will and JJ didn't know what was to come, they had to know it wasn't going to be good.
He walked towards me and we took a seat together on the sofa opposite the one my dad had offered to JJ and Will.
"What's wrong Spence? You seemed upset on the phone," JJ asked, glancing slightly towards me.
"Well, we just have a few things to talk about," He said as he took his seat directly between Henry and I. Smiling slightly, I rolled my eyes, this conversation could go wrong in a lot of ways but it was comforting to know that my dad cared. Even if sitting literally between us was slightly annoying.
"Anything. What's going on?" Will asked.
"Well it's come to my attention that Emily and Henry have been keeping a secret from us. One that involves a relationship that is more then just friendship. I wanted to make sure that it's something that you two are okay with and also make you aware that it's happening," He said, looking between JJ and Will for a response. Henry looked at me is disbelief, obviously expecting a much harsher reaction. If only he knew.
I focused my eyes to my lap, knowing that my dad had already gotten through his phase of shock. JJ and Will hadn't.
"Is this true Henry?" JJ asked him. It was clear that she was shocked and I could tell Henry was nervous to answer.
"Yes, but it's only been going on for a week and I swear we were going to tell you," He started scrambling with his words and I knew if they let him talk much longer it would become meaningless, panicked chatter.
"Henry is alright, we're not mad. We just need to talk about it. Spence what do you think of all this?" JJ interrupted him, apparently coming to the same conclusion I had.
"I think it shouldn't be up to us whether you stay together or not. However, it's important to remember what might happen to your group of friends if somethings goes wrong," He said, locking eyes with me. "And I don't like that it was a secret." He finished.
"I don't either Henry you know your mother and I only want to keep you safe. You know that you can tell us anything. So why didn't you?" Will asked. Henry stayed silent, making my thoughts continue to grow. Being asked this question, I knew the answer. I knew exactly why we kept this from everyone. The only issue is I don't know what that reason means for our future. The tension in the room grew as the silence filled it. No doubt Henry was thinking the same thing I was.
"It didn't feel right," I blurted out, causing all four sets of eyes to land on me. Henry gave me a sad look. I took a deep breath and continued, knowing I couldn't stop there. "We grew up together, I call you my aunt and uncle, and we were supposed to feel right about the way we felt? I know what I feel towards Henry but I guess we didn't tell anyone because we didn't want to accept it. God does that even make sense?" I asked, running my hands through my hair. What I had just said didn't even entirely makes sense to me, yet somehow I knew it was the truth.
"It does actually, so what are you going to do about it?"
...
Those are the last words I can remember from last night. My dad looked me in the eyes, like he always does, and asked me the hardest question I would ever have to answer. Like he always does.
How am I supposed to know what I'm going to do about it? Of course I want to be with Henry but it was pretty obvious that maybe that wasn't the best option. So I kept crying, waiting for a sign. Waiting for someone to give me the answers.
Then it came, like a pound on the door. It came like flash of lighting before the thunder. And you know what they say. Thunder only happens when it's raining.
"Being right keeps you in place, being wrong forces you to explore."
Steven Johnson