I had been resting on this bed for hours, didn't want to associate myself with anything else. My left cheek was pressed onto the head pillow, arms hugging it at the same time as I was lying on my stomach. This was a very uncomfortable position for me to have in bed since I had always been a side sleeper. But I got a very good reason for doing it, which was I didn't want to sleep.
The clock on the side table showed me that it was already 5 in the morning and those 10 empty cans of hard, cold brew coffee scattered on the study table were the cause of my consciousness. The bedsheet I was lying on was messy and rumpled, and I couldn't be bothered to tidy up anything, ignoring the other pillows that were left alone on the floor. That was because I only needed one to lie on, drenching it with an unimaginable amount of tears it had absorbed for hours now.
Burying my face in the pillow, I wailed even more when I remembered about the one I needed the most. She was also the same one who I didn't have with me. I didn't have her shoulder to lay my miserable self on. I didn't have her arms to throw broken pieces of me into. And I certainly didn't have her love for mine to make a soulmate with.
The last time I was this wretched was when the death of my girlfriend pushed my soul out of my body, making me feel like I had died with even more breath to take afterwards. It made me feel like I was cursed with life, forced to live in this world longer than she did so that I would suffer more without her in it. This time it took the same yet different person to do the same to my shattered heart, cutting it open while it was still beating. And when I said this Lisa was more capable of breaking hearts than the others, I really meant it because nothing else had pained me like this before.
Not even her previous death hurt me the way she declined my attempt to kiss her.
I was too heartbroken to sleep and travel into that universe again, having to face her if she came to my stall. So I just stayed in my place, crying my eyes out and causing sorrow to the Chae in there as well. That was because I couldn't feel any happiness in her even though it was her turn to handle Lisa. It got me thinking if we were one now, considering she was no longer delighted to have Lisa around. It must be hard for her to bear the sadness in there since it wasn't me who had to see Lisa again after the distressing lunch incident.
But only when I was pulled into that universe, unintentionally, I discovered that drinking lots of coffee had failed to keep me awake. It was useless after all, considering the amount of pain I had caused to my swollen eyes. Crying for long hours did make me sleepy, and that was what brought me to my cooking station, feeling the cold water running on my hands as the Chae in here was probably doing some cleaning before I jumped in.
I was right when I looked down and saw the unwashed woks, so I resumed the cleaning while listening to Natalie's voice coming from behind.
"Are you alright?"
"Hmmm?" I turned my head to her as she appeared to my vision.
"I was talking to you"
"What was it again?"
"I asked if you can clear my station too because I was cleaning the back," She said, eyes looking a little worried. "You didn't respond to me"
"I'm sorry" I shook my head. "I wasn't listening. But sure, I'll clean the front"
Natalie hummed as her response, leaving the front section of the stall for me to take care of. I checked the time and it was already past six. That explained why we were cleaning since I was confused earlier. I only remembered myself lying on my bed, in the universe I was born in, then suddenly I was at the stall, working. I didn't know what time or what day it was, let alone the date. But I was glad I didn't jump in and it was just the start of the day. I was glad that I didn't have to go through the morning to evening just to come home again.
As Natalie and I were walking towards Camden station, all I got in my mind was the bed. I just wanted to go home, take some pills and sleep so that I could choose to return to my universe again. It was funny to think of how everything had changed because of pain. I used to be so eager to leave my place just to come here, but now I couldn't wait to get out.
The walk to the station was quiet since I didn't feel like talking. There was no attempt from Natalie to open up a conversation also. Besides, there were so many people around and nobody could talk without the need to yell just to be heard. This chaotic environment was inconvenient for both of us, I guessed, so we focused on the way to the tube instead. But as my eyes were concentrating on everything that was in front of me, they caught a glimpse of a familiar face from afar, and my heartbeat went restless in no second.
It was Lisa.
She was taking her steps towards me and I didn't stop mine regardless of the surprise she gave me. I only slowed down my walking, putting my best friend slightly at the front because of it. But then even Natalie's walk was interrupted as she spun around, probably had spotted the detective too. I thought I wouldn't have to see Lisa, assuming that she wouldn't come here this late. I thought I could go home in peace but the universe kept toying with my feelings by sending Lisa to me.
This universe had probably arranged everything, so I would still be walking towards her as she was going the same way no matter how many times we had differed, we would always meet halfway.
"Hi, Chae" She greeted me when our legs stopped. "Hi to you too, Natalie"
I gave her a smile since she offered me hers, looking sweet and pretty as she usually was. Not only her smile made me feel uneasy, but it was also the fact that the three of us stopped in the middle of the busy pavement, being a huge rock that disturbed the flow of a river.
"The stall is closed, detective, obviously" Natalie teased with chuckles as the opening of the talk. "We are going home"
"I can see that" Lisa replied with the same cheerful tone. "But I'm not here for yakisoba" She continued. "I'm here to see Chae"
I could tell by Natalie's gestures that she was ready to leave, probably wanting to give Lisa and I some privacy.
"Alright then. I'll see you at home, Chae" She said as she took one step farther.
But I grasped her wrist immediately, stopping her from making more.
"Can you wait for me, please?" I looked at her in the eye before I turned to Lisa's right after. "It won't take long, right?"
"Uhh...yeah, I guess?" Lisa looked confused. The way I responded to her might give her a clue that I wasn't comfortable like I used to.
"I'll wait over there," Natalie said and she left when I gave her a nod.
Sighing, I paid attention to the one who was with me at that time; Lisa. We were looking at each other for good seconds yet none of us talked. I expected her to resume with her intention, which was what she came here for. I was silent because I wanted to listen to what she got to say, but the longer I waited, the more anxious her face looked.
So I had to initiate it just for the sake of getting it over with and go home.
"Lisa?" I called softly.
"Yeah?"
"So, you wanted to see me?"
"Yes! Umm..." She pulled something out from her back, probably had been hiding it there ever since she saw me. "I got you some chocolates" Her hands were handing me a red box with a blue ribbon tied around it. "I hope you like them"
"Thank you so much, Lisa" I accepted the gift, showing that I appreciated her courtesy and portraying how much respect I had for her.
"It's okay" She smiled but her sweetness didn't look like how I usually witnessed it. "Actually, I need to talk to you"
Because this time, worries were all over her face.
"Yes?"
I responded, ready to listen to what she had to say as my heart drummed even faster. Apart from her expression, the way she projected those words made them sound more serious than they already were. And knowing Lisa, she was definitely not playing.
"I need to know if I did something to you that I'm not aware of doing" She spoke without unnecessary details, jumping straight to the point like a good detective that she was.
Frowning, I felt the need to confirm if the things that I thought about her question were the same as what she had said.
"What do you mean?"
"Did I offend you, Chae?" Lisa made her point clearer. "You have been distant"
If my calculation was right, it had been more than a month since I went to her workplace and brought her lunch. It was just a day plus in my universe though, that was why the wound was still fresh for me, but I assumed the Chae in here had sorted things out with Lisa regarding this matter even though she was still upset. I thought they had talked before but I guessed I was wrong. And it took more than four weeks for Lisa to finally come and confront me about things that had happened?
Why did she take so long?
"Distant?" I let out the confusion because I was sure that she was still being treated right by the Chae in here. "No, I'm not being distant" I chuckled to dismiss the action Lisa said I had been doing to her because I genuinely didn't understand it. "We are still talking, right? Even right now"
"Yes, we are" She took one step closer before she continued while her concerned eyes gradually turned sad. "But it's not the same anymore" Lisa poured the things that had been burdening her mind out, while I stood one kiss away from her, keeping my feelings to myself and getting lost in her mesmerising stare. "We barely talk on the phone" Her voice went low but I could still hear her in this ocean of crowd. "And you didn't even reply to my messages yesterday, I waited the whole day"
I cleared my throat, reviving my focus that went off course earlier when Lisa talked about stuff that attracted me.
"Why, Lisa?" I didn't give the answer she asked for but it was me who questioned her instead. "Why do you need to call and text me every day?" One question was never enough so I decided to give her more. "Why did you come here just to see me?"
I knew what I was doing and what I wanted out of it. I desired for her honesty. I had to know if she loved me the way I loved her. I needed to hear the reasons for everything she had done for more than a year now and figured out if they meant something to her. Because her smile, her tease, her touches—all of her, meant everything to me.
"I-I care about you, Chae" She stuttered, sounding like she was being careful with what she was going to say. "I'm worried when we aren't close like we used to" Her eyes kept blinking as I could see how heavy her breath had been. And she blew one out before popping another balloon of mine with it. "You're my friend..."
Smile. Yes, that was the only thing I had the strength to do at that time. If my smile could make her feel better, I would let her kiss it even. If my smile could make her sleep at night, I would let her taste it even. But that wasn't how she would like to have it. Perhaps, Lisa was right about beautiful things and she was one of them; only for me to stare at.
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," I said with tears creeping in my eyes, ready to take a few steps away and leave. "I'll talk to you later, alright? I've got to go"
"No, wait-"
Her soft grasp caught my wrist as I tried to walk past her and was stopped next to her shoulder. If only I wasn't hurt, I would have appreciated this kind of situation; being touched by Lisa not merely by her hand but her eyes too.
"Natalie is waiting for me"
"You haven't answered me, Chae" She sounded firm this time while her gaze mixed with confusion, demanding for clarification. "What have I done before?" She paused and I felt how she just tightened her grip. "What did I do now?"
"Lisa-" I pulled my hand softly as I let out a small laugh that I had no reason for doing so. I was just getting anxious since this behaviour of her was close to my girlfriend's. The only difference was this Lisa was doing it gently but still, the idea of wanting me to speak up was the same. "I don't want to talk about it"
"How can I know then?" She declined my hesitancy with her calm voice, yet applied more pressure around my wrist. "I won't know if you don't tell me"
I tried to free myself harder, considering that I didn't feel good with this encounter anymore. I could say that this was the first time I ever felt uncomfortable around her, unsure of what was the reason behind it. Was it because she asked me to be opened and transparent about my feelings? Or was it because I couldn't look at the shadow of my girlfriend's behind her back?
"Lisa, please let me go"
"No" She pressed that word before she made one last pull of my hand and brought it to her chest, taking my whole body with it as well. "Never"
Our noses almost touched in this distance, eyes glaring into each and every colour of hidden feelings that existed from within. My forearm was pressed against her, feeling how erotic her chest was moving as she breathed. At that time, all my words were swallowed, unable to be uttered. And even if I could, they would disappear in thin air.
I would love to remain silent, especially like this. I would love to keep looking at her and feel the calmness she brought through her stare. But when her soft eyes moved, giving a look like they were scanning my whole face—travelling down to my lips and up to my forehead before stopping at my eyes again, my heart screamed. When her other hand wrapped around my back in tenderness that I never felt before, my soul yelled without a voice; unheard. I could no longer stay silent as my heart shouted for only one name, and the person who was bestowed with it probably listened.
"Never, Chae..."
Because her words were losing their voices too when she could only whisper that sentence to me. Even though it was projected low, almost powerless for my ears to contain, yet it was so strong to drain the sadness out from my eyes right before hers. The soft gaze she had been giving me changed right away as wrinkles in between her eyebrows formed, expressing shock and panic that parted her mouth a little when she witnessed the tears that were streaming down my cheeks. That was when her arm pulled me close to her body while she rested the side of her head against mine.
And I finally cried it out to her.
"I'm sorry..." Lisa's downhearted voice hugged me like a warmed duvet, comforting and protecting from the chilly blows of wind. "Everything you are feeling right now-" She stopped as I felt her lips touched my right ear, and I shivered under its mark. "Please forgive me for it, Chae..."
My own lips stammered in agony that I couldn't explain to the woman who put me in an embrace that I needed the most. It wasn't an ideal one, considering that none of us was using both of our arms. Lisa had to keep me in place, holding me by the wrist while I had a box of chocolates in my grip. This might look like a vulnerable hug in anybody's eyes but God...oh God, The One who hears my cries, God...this felt so perfect.
Her perfume ignited the fading flames in my chest, burning and weighing it again as her pleading voice praised about her modesty. She was just as confused as a little girl who had lost grip of her balloon, unaware of what she had done or what to do to get the balloon back. She was just a woman who had no idea why the woman in her embrace was crying, probably wondering if she was the cause of it. But she was so kind and humble to apologise for it since she had no pride in protecting her innocence for mistakes she might or not have done.
For that reason, she deserved the same compassion like the one she had been giving away.
Stuttering, I began to open up to her.
"Lisa, I'm sorry-" I sobbed. "I didn't mean to-"
"That's alright" She started to stroke my back, hesitantly kissing my temple at the same time. "I want you to be alright" She continued when I didn't avoid or stop her, taking in the scent of my hair as I heard her hard breathing. "Will you be alright, Chae?"
Squeezing my eyes shut, I answered with a few nods that I hoped were enough to assure her.
I didn't know if this pain would go away, let alone if I would feel better. But I was certain that I would be alright, at least for tonight. The memory of Lisa with me, hugging and soothing my misery would definitely send me to sleep later. But she snatched that confidence from my mind when she let another sentence out.
"Go out with me?"
One day when my heart stops beating, I swear it would be for Lisa.
And so did the pounds against my chest right now, they were because of her words or responses that I couldn't predict. She had her own charming ways in making me nervous like she was so good at sensing emotions and creating something beautiful out of them. Lisa had such gift and I was lucky to be able to be part of her magic.
"Tomorrow, after work?" She continued when I didn't reply to her. "Dinner? Maybe a night stroll after that?" Lisa suggested more. "Play tourist? We can go to Tower Bridge for night view?"
I was still silent, taking my time to think and consider if I was willing to break my own heart one more time. But her arm hugged me tighter, probably wanting to show how serious her intention was. If I had to be honest, I was already close to being convinced.
"Please, Chae?" Her voice sounded almost like a cry in a plea that would butcher my heart if I ever refused her. "I want to take you out"
Sniffling, I gave her my answer at last.
"Dinner?"
"Yes! Dinner! I'll treat you dinner!"
"Night stroll?"
"We can do that too"
"Tower Bridge?"
"Anywhere you want, Chae. Just tell me, I'll take you there" She persuaded me until the urge to smile pained my jaw like the way tears did to me earlier. "Please go out with me?"
"How about Paddington?" I blurted out. "Would you take me to Paddington, Lisa?"