Song recommendation day 4: Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards/Elephant, whichever you're feeling. Tonight's the big night right?
My nose was red, each inhale sending a feathery feeling brushing my sensitive nostrils. The soft summer winds had been wafting tiny pollen and petal particles into my sinuses, irritating and awakening my hay fever all day. Jackson had insisted we go to the one field of yellow flowers by the ocean that wasn't burning up under the increasingly hot Californian sun to shoot some artsy footage for a film he was making as a project. I had told him I was prone to aggressive sneezing especially in flowering fields so he brought me some antihistamines as an apology for saying there was no other place he could go to get the shots he needed.
Christian hadn't been too pleased about Arielle standing up to him and that whole thing with the acid trip; even going as far as telling me to tell him whenever I was going out with them so he knew to "be on alert" for me doing something stupid like I "always do with them." I ignored him and told him to back off on his opinions of my friends If they were going to be mean.
Jackson took a few shots of me admiring a flower I'd plucked from the ground and laughing at the camera when he would tell me I was acting like a proper screen presence. I definitely was not but I was happy to help. We were out there for about an hour or so until I started sneezing uncontrollably to the point where my nose was so red any film Jack could get of me would look like I was sick to death.
"Sorry if I fucked the shoot," I said as we got back into his car. I was doing so many more vocational and exciting things since I'd graduated college. There was so much downtime to fill in, almost too much downtime so I had to do anything and everything in my path to keep me busy. I'd even started visiting Christian at work with lunch and little things like that or giving him lifts to his plots to try and fill in that gap I'd created between us.
"My fault for bringing the wrong tablets," Jackson said and carefully packed away his camera. "I think I got some pretty good shots. You're a legend for helping me out."
"All I did was stand and sneeze," I laughed.
"Yeah you snotty fuck," Jackson teased. "You've got some shit in your hair."
"I was saving them for later but okay," I joked and began pulling out the specks of grass and loose petals from my tangled hair.
"Did I tell you how much of a bitch Janet was last night on the five to ten?" Jackson asked as we began driving away from the secluded flower field he found on his own.
"No, do tell," I said as I heard a buzz coming from my bag. I listened intently to Jackson's anecdote about Janet complaining about not getting enough shifts, telling him to clean everything twice over for her because he "wasn't doing a good enough job", complaining about how he set up the till in the gift store as I reached into my bag and pulled out my phone; unable to resist the urge to at least check the message.
Alex: Funny you say that, just met them and watched their set believe it or not. Lovely lads, wish you were here.
Alex: Tonight's the night yeah. Set's in an hour. Bit jittery but it feels good to go back on stage. Hopefully I don't fall off.
"That Alex?" Jackson stopped his story momentarily to question me.
"Hm?" I looked up, "sorry, I'm listening I promise, continue."
"You're smiling at your screen," Jackson said teasingly, a cheeky grin on his cheeks. "From my calculations, that must mean it can't be Christian and unless Saorise or someone sent you something funny, it's gotta be Alex."
"Oh fuck off," I laughed and rolled my eyes.
"Yeah it's definitely him then," Jackson said.
"He just told me he met Tame Impala," I said. "And he's performing tonight that's all."
"That's right, Glastonbury," Jackson nodded. "You should've gone with him," he said and wiggled his eyebrows.
"It's not like that," I said and shook my head. "We're all trying to get him with his girl anyway."
"Oh come on Orion!" Jackson groaned. "Why?"
"They fit perfectly," I shrugged, "and I can see he really needs someone like her, they'd be adorable."
Jackson groaned again, "You're such an idiot!"
"Hey!" I exclaimed.
"Why can't you just dump," he made a gagging sound, "Christian and go for Alex instead? I don't get it. There's clearly something there."
I shook my head, "I know you hate Chris but I'm not dumping him, I know he can be a dick but I still love him. Alex and I are friends anyway, why are you so against my boyfriend?"
Jackson groaned and rolled his eyes, "because he sucks Orion! He treats you like garbage and he definitely does not make you smile the way Alex does and all that guy had to do was send you a text."
I shook my head, shaking out his words before they could affect me, "he said something funny. Anyway, continue your story, Janet was being a witch, go on."
Jackson sighed and reluctantly, continued telling me his story as we drove back to the city. He was making sure he got me home in time to watch the Arctic Monkey's set live like I promised the guys I would. My heart was racing for them and I don't even know why. As soon as I got home I set up the live stream on my TV and eagerly waited for them to come on stage. I quickly messaged him "good luck" even though I knew he wouldn't get time to respond as the show was just about to start.
It was already nighttime over in England, California was eight hours behind so whilst they were performing at night, I was watching them in the early afternoon all on my own because I knew no one else would be as eager as I to watch them.
It was sort of surreal seeing them all on the television screen, walking on and picking up their instruments. They looked different than they did in real life. All professional and 'rockstar-like'. They looked untouchable, all the way up on that pyramid stage whilst a sea of people cheered before them. There was a zoom in shot of Alex as soon as he began singing and that was the moment that it really hit me that that was the same guy I knew and who fell into my bush the night we met. His nose sitting on the microphone as his lips formed over the lyrics to some song I'd never yet heard.
His voice was beautiful, bellowing out over the thousands of people that sang along and cheered at their every motion. Matt in the back on a pedestal banging the drums to the beat, Nick to the left on the bass and Jamie on the left with his guitar sitting on his hips as Alex stood center in a silvery suit jacket and his hair combed to perfection. It was all mesmerising.
With a grin on my cheeks I pulled out my phone and videoed my TV, sending the video to Alex and the guys to show them I was watching them as promised. I don't think I moved from my sofa for the entire hour and a half performance, watching each and every second and unable all the while to wipe the smile on my cheeks.
That's Alex. That's Matt. That's Jamie. That's Nick. It was a lot to comprehend. I was proud, in awe and taken aback all at once. It was so out of the ordinary for me to see my friends playing such a big festival, their own songs, being adored by everyone before them who all saw them as these idols or something of the like. And I knew them as the guys who had the shits in the desert and tumbled into bushes.
I had this one song of theirs stuck in my head the rest of the day. I thought about calling them once they'd finished their set but decided they were probably more than busy so just shot them a text and began getting ready to go over to Christian's place.
I didn't know until I got there that we wouldn't be spending the night alone. He had three of his friends over and they were all sitting around the lounge when I got there.
"Oh!" I exclaimed as they all turned to face me as Christian moved aside for me to step into his apartment.
"Hope you don't mind," Christian said, kissing my cheek, "invited the guys over for a few drinks."
"Oh no, that's fine," I smiled and followed Christian into the lounge, sitting by his side on the love sofa as each of his friends greeted me — no where near as warm as the greetings I'd get from Nick, Matt and Jamie.
"Hey Orion," one of his friends said out of politeness as I made myself comfortable.
"Hey Liam," I smiled as Christian rested an arm around my shoulders. I smiled an out-of-place hello to the other two, Carter and Nathan, who barely greeted me back. They were all business men types and only found fun at the expense of others. I'd learnt pretty quickly just to sit and be 'Christian's Girlfriend' instead of telling any stories or jokes pretty quickly into our relationship.
Christian and all his friends were having a good time talking to one another about this business deal, that and the other. I just smiled and sat by Christian like a lap dog, checking my phone every now and then to see if Alex or any of the other guys had sent me anything back. I expected they were celebrating and getting drunk as hell.
"You graduated right Orion?" Liam spoke up, catching my attention. This was the first time I'd been spoken to since I sat down, it was the evening now.
"Uh yeah," I smiled, "couple weeks ago."
"Now you guys can stop giving me shit," Christian chuckled, "for dating a college girl." The conversation quickly diverged to something else.
I was bored out of my mind, Christian offered me a beer to ease me up a little bit I was already off put by it solely because I could smell it so strong on his lips.
"I'm just going to go to the bathroom," I said to him quietly as to not interrupt the ongoing conversation.
"Okay," Christian nodded and moved his arm off me.
I politely excused myself and moved out of the lounge room and down the hall to Christian's bathroom. I just sat in there for about five minutes, taking some time for myself and smiling at the message Nick had sent me:
"We miss you!"
I let out a loud sigh and looked at myself in the mirror. Vividly, I could see the memory of Christian and I standing in that exact spot, smiling. He had his arms around my waist, rocking me side to side as I giggled and brushed my teeth, trying not to let the kisses he was planting on my neck distract me. We were so happy. He was telling me how beautiful I was and how he didn't want to go to work the next day and just wanted to lie in bed next to me all day. That was three years ago.
Now I just saw this desperate girl trying helplessly to please a man who never seemed to want her. And both three years ago and now, I was hopelessly and tragically in love with him.
After mentally preparing myself for my re-entry, I finally left the bathroom and began making my way back down the hall when my ears caught on a few words they were saying in my absence.
"Chris, all jokes aside, Orion is a nice piece of ass man," one of them said. I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Why do you think he's still with her?" another chuckled.
Fuck this, I sighed to myself, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes as I prayed that Christian wouldn't say anything that would break my heart.
"I bet the sex is fucking phenomenal," Nathan scoffed. "It better be to balance out all the crying and clingy shit," he laughed.
"Okay guys that's enough," Christian said, bringing a sigh of relief to my lips. "She's my girlfriend don't say shit like that it's fucking weird."
Everyone else went silent.
"And if you forgot she's still in the apartment," Christian added, "so just...quit it. We're figuring things out, and she's been pissy and bitchy recently so just shut up before she hears anything and gets upset. I need to be on her good side."
I walked away into his bedroom, I didn't want to hear any more of that conversation. I didn't want to cry like I always did but I damn near did. Snapping out of it only as I heard the bedroom door creak open.
"O?" Christian said softly as I looked over at him. "What are you doing in here?"
"I just had to take a call," I said, "bathroom was echoey."
"You okay?" he asked me, walking over to the bed.
"Fine," I smiled up at him.
"Is it because the guys are over?" He asked, gently placing a hand on my cheek and tilting my face upwards.
"No," I said.
"They're leaving soon and then it can just be you and me okay?" he said, the scent of his cologne suffocating me. No longer my favourite scent.
"Mhm," I nodded in his hand and exhaled as he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me to his stomach.
And well, that turned out to be a fucking lie.
Christian's friends didn't leave soon, in fact they didn't leave for several hours and I would've been fine with that had it not been for the comments I overheard them saying and the off handed things they'd say about me even when I was there. Just things about how I'm "not really much without Chris" if I want to do sculpting or making comments on my body or appearance and just awful things like that, that after a half hour I excused myself and just spent the rest of the evening in Christian's bedroom.
It all sort of got to me and my eyes started watering and stinging but I blinked back all the tears before they could fall. I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to be kicked around anymore.
I'd basically locked myself away in Christian's room to avoid his friends, bored out of my mind, so when I heard my phone start buzzing you can guess how my heart leapt out of my chest at the idea of a distraction. I couldn't even suppress the grin on my cheeks when I saw that the caller was Alex.
"Hello?"
"Orion!" he cheered. Oh boy was he drunk. "I'm sorry I couldn't message ya back, I were so busy after the show I'm sorry."
"No no it's okay," I smiled, "how was it?"
"Phenomenal, wish you were here," Alex said, I could hear the roar of partying people in the background. "Man O, I miss ya so much."
I laughed, "I miss you too. All of you. I've been so bored."
"I've been listening to all the songs ya sent me I promise," Alex said, slurring his words slightly. "You've got such a beautiful taste in music."
"Thank you," I chuckled. "What time is it over there?"
"Summat like fooken three in the mornin'," Alex said, I could hear him move around in between all those talking people.
"After party?"
"You bet," Alex said. "Man I'm so fucking drunk right now," he laughed, "sorry if I say summat dumb."
"You always say dumb things," I teased, earning myself a hearty laugh from him.
"You're not wrong there, love," he said. "Wait, how to I put the video on so I can see yer face?" I heard him fiddle around for a few seconds and before I knew it, his face was popping up on my screen and I could see my face in the little box in the corner. Dear God did he look smashed.
"There you are!" he exclaimed excitedly. He had a bottle in one hand and his eyelids were heavy over fifty percent of his eyeballs. "You look fantastic, love where are ya?"
"Christian's house," I smiled.
"Oh dear, is everythin' alright?" he asked, his face awkwardly close to the camera.
"Yeah everything's fine," I said, "you look great," I teased.
"Oh stop it you," Alex chuckled, "I know I have a bad drunk face, I'm reminded every time I get a little bit tipsy." He kept over pronouncing the 't's in every word he was saying, it was kind of humorous.
"Man I wish you were here O," he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. He looked like he was sitting down somewhere and was shouting over the music so I could hear him. "I wanna give you the biggest hug right now." I started laughing.
"Really, I do," Alex said, "I wish you were here so baaaadd — Arielle!" he called out, looking up passed the camera at something else. "It's Orion!"
A few seconds later, her grinning face popped into the frame, she had a flower crown haphazardly placed on her head. "Orion!" she squealed, sitting beside Alex and taking the phone from him. "I miss you! Why aren't you here?" she pouted.
"Stuck in LA," I laughed. She was very drunk too.
Arielle and I talked for a good twenty minutes before I was passed on to Nick, Matt and Katie for brief hellos. It took about an hour for Alex's phone to be returned back to him but I didn't mind in the slightest. It was good to hear from everyone. Nick told me he'd steal a drink and bring it back for me so it could be like I was drinking it with them. God bless his drunken soul.
"They stole ya," Alex chuckled, jogging through the venue away from Matt after he'd stolen his phone back. "Little rascals."
"Quite enjoyed my chats with them actually," I laughed, lying down on Christian's bed to relieve the pain in my back. "How long's this after party been going for?"
"Like forty years or summat," Alex said, finding himself a new place to sit. "I think it were meant to be over at one but no one left so it's still going."
"Guess that means you're not waking up for a good twenty four hours," I grinned.
"Make it forty eight," Alex said. "Are you sleeping?"
I smiled, "no, just lying down." I pushed my hair out of my face, "how's things with Arielle?"
"Can I be honest?" Alex slurred, his eyes blinking out of sync.
"Always."
"I like her a real lot," he said. "But it's just wrong."
"Why?" I asked, drawing my brows close together.
"I'm still loopy about ya," Alex confessed. My stomach sank. "Me mates tell me I'm crazy."
"Alex..." I said quietly.
"I can't stop thinking about ya and how much you mean to me," he continued. "And I'm worried that's gonna fuck shit up with Arielle because you're supposed to only be thinkin' of one person when you're with them."
I fell silent, moving my phone so he couldn't see my face as I began drowning in my thoughts. The last thing I wanted was for him to say something like that. Because I knew some part of me felt the same but my denial about my own relationship tore me from that realisation and acceptance. I wanted him to want Arielle. Or anyone else. Just not me and hearing him say he was "loopy" about me really put my mind in a blender.
"Orion?" Alex asked, looking at his screen worriedly, "did you fall asleep?"
I shook my head and moved the camera back so he could see my face. "No I'm still here."
"Oh thank fuck I were about to sob," Alex laughed drunkenly, "I thought I scared you off again, I'm sorry. I'm not very good with me words or me timing."
"Of course you're good with words, you're a songwriter," I said, trying to change the subject before I sunk too deep.
Alex chuckled and took a shot off a passing waiter and downed it. "Don't worry Orion, it's not like I'm falling in love with you I promise, I wouldn't do that to you. I just want you to do me no good."
"Alex you don't want that," I said , shaking my head. "You're talking drunk again." I wished hard that he meant nothing of what he was saying. I knew what it was like to have someone do you know good. And it wasn't worth it.
"Fuck," he cussed and slapped his forehead, "I'm sorry. I can't even remember what I said. I weren't thinkin'. I'm sorry O."
"It's okay," I shrugged off, "just drink some water before you do to sleep otherwise you're gonna have a hell of a hangover in the morning."
"You're right," Alex said and sloppily pushed himself off the seat he was occupying. "Does anyone have water?" he started asking around, holding the phone to his chest so all I saw was his chest and face from looking up. "Me friend reminded me of hangovers. Matt do you have water!"
I laughed to myself, shaking out the meaningless words he said and shifted onto my side on Christian's bed. I could still hear him and his friends laughing and talking in the other room.
"I found some O!" Alex exclaimed and held out the phone so I could see him. He took a big gulp of the glass and a split second later spit out a mouthful as his face soured and he tossed the cup away. "That was vodka," he nodded, "that was fucking vodka."
"Well done," I laughed, watching as he shook his head and blinked his eyes wide. I could tell the liquor hit him immediately. He cussed under his breath and then turned back to the phone.
"I'm sorry, I'm a fuckin' idiot," he grimaced. I giggled and turned onto my back, sinking into the pillows.
"Yeah I know," I smiled. The door clicked and I quickly looked over to see Christian peering in.
"Hey we got take out if you want any?" he said, eyeing my phone and the loud noises coming from it as Alex stumbled over around the bar and swore like a sailor.
"Uh yeah I'll come out in a bit," I smiled.
"Who's that," he nodded to my phone as Alex groaned and picked himself up off the ground, apologising to me for 'dropping me'.
"Alex," I said quietly, hoping Alex on the phone wouldn't hear.
Christian nodded, "okay well, hurry up or it's gonna get cold."
I nodded and watched him move away and close the door.
"You alright?" I asked Alex, watching him pick his phone up off the ground and lifted it to his face.
"Yeah but I think I sprained me wrist," he winced, rubbing his eye with his middle finger. "Were that Christian?"
I nodded.
"He treating you okay?" Alex slurred, his face flickering with different coloured lights.
I nodded a second time.
"Promise?" Alex asked, his nose brushing against the camera.
"Yeah I promise," I lied to both him and myself.
"I'll let you get back to him then, I think I need to find some ice," Alex said and smiled at someone off camera.
"You okay?" I asked.
"Yeah I'm fine," he smiled goofily, "don't worry about me. Sweet dreams, love."
I huffed a laugh, he must've forgotten that it was only seven in the evening in California. "You get some sleep too okay?" I smiled to him.
"I will," Alex nodded, this silly drunk smile glued to his cheeks as his eyelids covered almost all of his eyes. "Bye bye...oh! And remember if you go outside and look at the moon it's the same one I can see all the way over here."
I managed a soft smile, "alright, Al, I'll check it out."
"Say that again," Alex said quickly before I could hang up.
"What?"
"Call me that again," Alex asked softly, his voice sounding sweet like honey. "It sounds so nice when you say it like that."
I shook my head, "You're very drunk Alex, I think it's time for bed."
"I will," he nodded and looked at the camera hopefully.
"Goodnight Al," I gave in, watching the smile creep on his cheeks.
"Call me that more often," he hummed drunkenly, lost in his own mind and not thinking cognisantly, "or I'll never stop being able to think about it."