Fine Line- Harry Styles
"Put a price on emotion. I'm looking for something to buy. You've got my devotion
But man, I can hate you sometimesI don't want to fight you. And I don't wanna sleep in the dirt. We'll get the drinks in. So I'll get to thinking of her."
TW: rape and talks of SA
Dawn POV.
Is this dumb? Most likely so, but I'm already here at The Grounds Cafe, a steaming cup of coffee in my hand at 8am. Some self-reflection had me thinking last night. Jake called and noticed me he was able to find a roommate in San Jose. He sounded a bit distressed, I assumed only it was about the move, but it was about Terry. A part of him felt bad at his reaction. I as well have remorse, and I wish I could explain this to Terry. This is the only way I know how to keep an eye on Jake, as he spirals. Maybe it's not the most logical solution, but I know I will be there for him. I can't rely on someone who wouldn't care for him as I would.
And maybe that is selfish to say, but it still got me thinking that there was no way of explaining it in the first place because we loath each other. Well he may, I've gotten over the petty arguing, and how he didn't think I was right for Jake. It had me thinking though, I want to burn the bridges that I created. One by one I would destroy the enemies that I developed because of Jake. I became this person that was unrecognizable. There were good attributes, no shame in that. I was able to stick up for myself when no one else would. But there was sense of intitlement that I consumed along with the backbone. Was I really selfish like how everyone had pegged me to be? Jake included. Yes, he was. Once I realized who I bacame because of Jake, I wanted to end that part of myself. There was a lot of angry within me, that was lit by Jake, and I took it out on a lot of people. Whether it was valid or not, I knew I didn't want this part any longer.
First on my list was Serena.
I knew it was going to be hard to meet up with her. It took some selfishness to get her to meet me now. I made an Instagram in the beginning of summer, much to Alice's delight. She found it so weird that I didn't rely on Instagram for the news.
Finding Serena's social media was easy, so it didn't take long for me to message her at the late of 1 am. I thought maybe she would be asleep, and that she would ignore the DM, but I guess if you put 'urgent' and 'Jake needs you' it gets you moving. I would be.
So she responds within fifteen minutes, telling me to meet her here. At Coffee Grounds. Jake would be on his morning run. I know he still does this routine, considering he still doesn't have good sleep.
I sip on my coffee slower and slower, debating if I should leave now. Why would she agree to meet me? Only because it's under the impression that something is wrong with Jake. Well there is, but that's not why she's here. I'm the only one Jake needs. There's that voice again, the one that leaks toxic thoughts in my head, making me feel like I'm not in control. And there's no other way for me to change my thought process. W
It's empty here. Only one or two people on laptops at this early of the morning. A few workers are behind the coutners, laughing aimlessly at another coworkers tasteless jokes of how early it is. One wipes the counter one too many times, the once damp cloth, now dry and smearing white flecks across the black marble. So wastless, but you're just passing time to the next improtant element you are yearning for. I feel like most of the time you're just waiting for something to happen, and your'e not going out your way to make something magical. I use to feel that way constantly. Waiting for my Prince Charming, and my happy ending. I never met eitehr, though most people don't find there happy ending until they're more mautre, but in the fiary tales they're much younger, late teens, whisked away into a mysterious forest. And your'e prince is there, and you become king and queen. But this isn't fairy tales, nor will I ever become a queen.
The door bell rings on top of the glass door, and I know it's her, no one else has stepped in here since me. I begin to tap on my mug impatiently, as I stare at the wooden table. There are many things I would like to discuess with her, but I know there are boundaries.
Her footsteps near, and finally I let my head raise. "Hi," I greet.
Serena lifts her brows as if that was a suitable way to say hello to someone. She sits down across from me, spinning her phone with her index finger across the shiny table. "I'm here." She says blandly. It looks like she has put on some weight. It looks good on her. I feel like the last time I saw her, she was nearly twice as small as me, now it appears we are the same weight. "What's with Jake?" She doesn't care for the meet the greet, and I appauld her that even after all this time she still would do anything for Jake. I think that's the problem with him. He doesn't realize how loved he is. Even if he's slandered her, or the fact that she knows he absolutely hates her now more than ever by her lies with the notes. She prompted us to our breakup through his eyes. And I once felt the same way, but I can't continue to place blame when I know it was more than just her stupid notes.
"Actually, it's not about Jake."
In a milasecond, she is up standing from her chair, and I brace myself, "Well this was waste."
"Don't you want to know why I called you?"
"No, probably along the lines of payback. I don't know Dawn, and I don't care."
I think fast, "Jake's fine for the most part. I... I wanted to speak to you?"
"What do we have to hash out? Last time I checked you hated my guts."
She has a decision to make. To either stand her ground or bolt out of here. I can tell by the way she is trying to turn around, but also appear confident by glaring into my eyes.
"And you hated mines too, but things change."
"I still hate you."
"Why?" I've stumped her it seems because she stays quiet, contemplating what she should say next. "Because I stole Jake? We're not even together anymore."
"Fuck Jake Dennings. He doesn't care about me anymore."
"Then why do you hate me?"
She searches the table for answers, drifting up and down the planks. She sighs loudly, before slumping in the chair opposite of me, "It's easier to, I guess. I don't know. I know you hate me, so..."
"But I don't. Not anymore at least."
"I would hate me if you did the things that I did to you. I made fake notes, causing stress to you, Jake, Alice—"
"Yeah, but I've come to the conclusion that I can't hate you for those reasons. You were being selfish, sure. I've been just as bad as you. You caused stress yes, but you didn't cause my or Jake's breakup. As much as I want o blame you, I can't. Not fully. I was jealous of your connection with Jake. His first love... I wanted to be his so badly, and though he claims I am, I know you left an imprint on him."
I wait for her to say something, but I receive nothing. Instead she begins to shake one of her legs impatiently.
"And I didn't want to believe you when it came to your... your situation with Dawson." Her eyes flash to mine, stinging with anger. "Not because I didn't, but I because I was jealous that Jake still cared. I hate admitting it now, but that is how I felt. I still feel it, in the pit of my stomach, I shouldn't be telling you this, but I feel like you will be the only one to understand. How jealousy drives us to this madness, and I hated who I became."
Water begins to emerge from the corner of her eyes. Her pupils wide, and they stay still on mine, as if I were lying. Why was I telling her all of this. "If this is some way to make you sleep better at night, I hope you get nightmares. You didn't believe me because you were jealous of Jake's sudden attention."
"You can't blame my honesty, and I could care less if you walk out this coffee shop hating me more, but I want you to know that I do believe you. Now, even if know one else does. I was in similar situation with Dawson, and though our encounters are vastly different, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone."
"Thanks, but I don't need your validation," she sneers, trying to break our eye contact, but I won't let her this time.
"You're not alone," I repeat.
"Why do you care so much, huh?" she snaps, twisting her wrist three times in a row. Almost like a nervous habit. Like my finger taps. 1,2,3,4...
"Because I hated who I was then. When you admitted to Jake that you were raped. I hated myself then, and I hate myself more for how I treated you." She doesn't say anything, so I continue, "Sure, I want you to know for my piece of mind, but I've been seeing a new therapist at my college weekly, and she's been helping me forgive people. Everyone, but first I have to forgive myself, and in the mistakes I've made. One was slandering you in front of everyone."
Her mind drifts like mine, and it's almost like two completely different girls thrashing at each other in front of me.
"Okay," she sighs out, resting her back agaisnt my chair.
"I'm sorry."
"Then I'm sorry. I was never like this you know? I was shy, reserved. Just a girl falling for her best friend, and then I had him. I fucking had him. Not literally, of course," she waves off, "And he liked you so much all throughout junior high." my heart begins to clench at the thought of Jake's hearts getting boken by Lauren pretending to be me. "When Jake finally began to really see me, look at me, thought of me more as I friend, I had all these feelings. And they sprouted. His parents passed, and he couldn't reciprocate his feelings as I did. I tried to be there for him as much as I could, but he shut me out."
"I know the feeling." I guess Jake was never good at expressing his feelings.
"Right?" Serena forms a grin upon her lips, sitting up slighty, with understandment. "And so I put my engery else where. I lied to him once. About the party because I knew he wouldn't want to go. It was months after his parents death, but he was still in mourning. So I went with a friend, and... well, Dawson was there-"
"You don't have to tell me the details."
"I want to. I never have with anyone. If you don't want to listen--"
"I do. Keep going." I nod to her quickly, hoping I haven't ruined her moment.
She gulps loudly, taking a deep breath before contining once more, "Dawson was there, and I danced with him. Intoxicated by the alcohol, intoxicated by the drugs, music... him. I kissed him. I was so fucking stupid, I fucking kissed him, and I ruined everything-- I ruined everything," she begins to shake, and I hold my hands out to embrace her wrist twists. I ruined fucking everything. I ruined everything--"
"No you didn't," I say sternly, "You were just being a teenager. You were in the moment and it happened. You can't take it back, and you regret it. That's all you can do."
"If I wouldn't have let him kiss me, he wouldn't have led to the bathroom. I would have never had sex with hi-"
"Rape. He raped you."
She scruthes her nose, shaking her head, "I know, I know, but it's so much easier to pretend I wanted to do it. As if he didn't pressure me. I've been telling myself this for years, I'm beginning to believe that I did have sex with him. Fuck even he belives it. He thinks we had sex, and maybe to some we did have sex, but I didn't want it. I didn't want to, but I just went along with it just because I felt like I had to, but I felt like a fucking whore after. I felt like my body wasn't mine anymore."
Images of Serena and Dawson sprang in my head. The infamous kiss. He pulls her to the hallway. He shuts and locks the door, kissing her neck to coax her up the table top, going in between her legs. She laughs nervously, trying to peel away from him, but he doesn't falter, putting more and more pressure on her lips.
"Let's go back outside," she suggests.
He doesn't respond, kissing ontop of her breast. A breathy moan releases from Serena, but there is a furrow to her brow, a hesitation, fear clouds her brain, "My friend is waiting for me," she pulls further from him, but he won't relent. "Dawson, please," he kisses her lips now, shutting her up. "Dawson?"
"Sh," he says, unbuttoning his pants.
"Please stop," she cries.
"You wanted this, or you wouldn't have kissed me in front of everyone." And it's this one line that caused Serena to change her protest. She loses herself that night. She tries to enjoy herself, but she can't when her mind is in the clouds to try to block whatever is happening. She tries to rationlize that this is normal. This was normal thing to do at parties. Cheating on your boyfriend. Serena had a negative voice to. You wanted it. She chanted to herself. What was going to happen when he led you to the bathroom. This exactly. You knew it was going to happen.
"That's what I asked for wasn't it?" A tear falls on her cheek, and I find myself holding her hands soothingly.
"Fuck that." I squeeze her hands, "Fuck that Serena. You deserved better."
"Karma for cheaters."
"No. Karma hasn't happened to Dawson just yet." Mechanics begin to work in my head, and I need to figure out how to punish Dawson Peterson for good.