a/n: this chapter picks up about halfway through 'to be So Lonely'
.tanaka.
i had just listened to noya relate everything that had happened in his Talk with asahi, and i was a bit surprised at how casual it was, given how badly everything had gone last time.
although now that he had had his time to talk, i figured it was my turn.
"whoa... that's a lot. so i-"
alas, i was gravely mistaken.
"hang on, i have some bonus commentary including my thoughts and feelings on all that went down, then you can share your input on the situation."
i pinched my mouth and resisted the urge to roll my eyes, but i only succeeded about halfway.
"alright."
he nodded and begun relating his 'bonus commentary' on the situation.
i wanted to tune it out, but i knew he would want advice afterwards- as always- so i made sure to listen carefully and gave him the advice he desired afterwards.
"that's a great suggestion! you just keep getting smarter and smarter, don't you?"
"i guess? but anyway, we were going to talk about-"
"so you said i should distract myself... maybe i should do homework for once! i mean i am still feeling a bit high energy, so maybe i should use that and transfer it to my brain and get things done. you're the best! okay, bye!"
what the fuck? what The Actual fuck?! had he forgotten his promise from this afternoon?!
"wait a minute!" i yelled, not bothering to hide my annoyance.
"...what?"
"are you serious?! you don't even remember?!"
he looked a little nervous at this point, but i didn't have it in me to feel bad.
"...remember what?"
"god, i can't believe you! the thing with my... the ennoshita thing!"
"oh. that."
"yeah! 'that'! do you know how much it's been stressing me out these past four days?! i've been confused and scared and upset... and angry! angry at you!"
"...may i ask why?"
god, the way he was speaking right now really pissed me off.
"'may i ask why?'" i mocked. "what the fuck, dude?! i wouldn't have this problem if it weren't for you bringing it up! and you said you'd be there if i wanted to talk about it! even offered to talk this afternoon! but you forgot, and before that, you couldn't even be bothered apparently! you were so busy caught up with asahi, and venting to me, and asking for my advice... don't you think i wanted to talk about my problems too?! but no! obviously my feelings aren't as important as yours!"
"ryū, i'm sorry, we can talk now if you want-"
"save it! i'm too mad at you right now! just go do your homework or whatever, god knows your grade needs the help."
"wait! you can't-"
i didn't care what he had to say. i hung up.
i threw my phone over onto my bed and angrily paced around my room. i felt like steam was coming out of my ears, that's how angry i was. i didn't want this to happen, but... it was too late.
i punched the air and dug my fingers into my scalp. i wanted to scream, but my parents were home. so instead i threw myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow to muffle the noise.
i felt tears pricking my eyes, and angrily swiped them away.
i grabbed my phone, put on my jacket, and headed downstairs, trying to avoid my parents.
as i slipped on my shoes, i schooled my tone so i didn't sound as angry as i was, and called out, "i'm going for a run! i'll be back soon!"
"alright, be safe, and don't be late for dinner!"
with that, i headed out the door, and did just what i said i'd do- i ran.
i was running nowhere in particular- just around. eventually i ended up at the park.
surprise surprise, on a chilly march evening, there wasn't anyone else there. not that i could see anyway.
i had cooled down a bit on my run, but i was still angry. i had to stop myself from punching a tree because i knew i would regret that as soon as i did it, and i'd end up feeling worse.
i grabbed my phone, and typed in the password, getting irritated when i accidentally put it in wrong the first time, until i finally got it right.
i went to call my sister, but i got her voicemail.
i wanted to try calling suga, but i figured noya probably had the same idea- especially knowing he probably wouldn't talk to asahi about it, given the circumstances of the argument. he knew asahi would feel guilty and blame himself for 'ruining our friendship' and noya wouldn't like that.
god, even when i'm mad at him, i know him
too well.
so, i dialed the only other number i could think of in a time like this.
it rung once. twice. three times.
on the fourth ring, i was afraid he wouldn't pick up, but then-
click.
"hello?"
i couldn't bring myself to say anything at first, just tried to calm myself down enough to talk to him.
"ryū, are you there? is everything alright?"
finally, i spoke, trying to stop my voice from wavering.
"no. everything is shit, and it might be my fault. at least a little."
"okay, what hap- wait... did i just hear a car go by? are you at home?"
"no, i had to get out of there, so i went on a run. i'm at the park."
"don't go anywhere, i'm on my way."
"no, you don't have-"
"too late, i'll see you in ten."
he hung up and i stared blankly at my phone. guess i had ten minutes to kill.
///
finally, i heard running footsteps crunching on the grass, and turned to see him.
ennoshita.
sorry- i guess i should say chikara.
he slowed to a walk, and i could hear him breathing heavily as he got closer.
"wh- what... happened?" he panted as soon as he was near enough.
i didn't speak. i just wrapped my arms around him, and buried my face in his shoulder.
i could feel his chest and shoulders heave as he caught his breath, but at the same time, he was rubbing my back, and i couldn't help a tear that slipped out.
"what happened?" he asked softly after a minute or two.
"everything's shit," i mumbled.
"you already said that."
i sighed and pulled away.
"yeah, i know. urgh, everything that's happening messed me up, man. now everyone's mean except you."
he smiled gently.
"i'm sure that's not true. how about we sit down and talk about this?"
i nodded and we sat on a bench underneath a tree that would soon be filled with pink cherry blossoms.
"so..." i started.
i had to think for a moment. how could i phrase this without giving everything away? i didn't want to say anything preemptively in case i ended up not liking him...
what if i told him i was confused and got his hopes up, only to let him down later? i couldn't do that. if it came up, i'd just make something else up.
"i yelled at noya and now i think he might hate me," i finally explained.
"so what exactly happened? just a few hours ago you were worried sick about him. although i guess you did mention you were annoyed at him..."
"yeah... the thing i mentioned earlier... at lunch, he promised we'd talk about it finally, so i was thinking that would actually happen. but then as soon as he finished talking about his problems and getting advice, he was going to hang up! so i may or may not have snapped a little and started yelling at him about everything and saying that he was a shitty friend."
he frowned.
"well, the delivery leaves something to be desired but... i'm proud that you were able to say what was on your mind. and... i don't think he necessarily deserved that, but i think it might've been a good reminder that the entire world doesn't revolve around his relationship issues, and he can't really expect us to drop everything just because he's upset. honestly, i was starting to get a little tired of him sighing over asahi all the time. and i know i can't be too critical, because he's still hurting, but i think he was taking it a bit too far. it's like he was so absorbed in his own problems that he forgot everyone else has problems of their own too."
once he finished speaking, i stared at him, slack-jawed.
"oh! sorry, was that too much? i was just trying to say what was on my mind, and-"
"no! i think that was great! and yeah, he probably has been a bit self absorbed... i don't necessarily regret finally getting that out, but like you said, the delivery left something to be desired... when i was yelling at him, i think he looked a little scared, and i- i've never seen him look that way before, especially not with me. god, i feel awful."
i buried my head in my hands, which were propped on my knees. i saw a couple tears hit the ground, but it was blurry. i just screwed my eyes shut as tight as possible, feeling the salty sting of regret.
i felt chikara's hand on my back, comforting me once more.
"i know it's hard right now, but even best friends fight sometimes. i know you guys will be able to come back from this, i think your friendship is too strong to lose it over a little something like-"
i shot up, staring at him incredulously.
"a little something?! are you kidding me?! this is like his whole life right now and i basically said he was overreacting and his feelings didn't matter! i mean, not that exact wording, but still..."
"ryū," he said, his tone firm for once, in a way that surprised me. "listen to me. i know this seems like the end of the world right now. and this asahi thing may be nishinoya's whole world right now, but listen. a year from now, none of this will matter, right? i'm sure everything will have blown over by then, and this will all be a distant memory. just a bad dream. this next day or two is probably gonna be the worst of it, but you guys are eventually gonna have to talk to each other and i think you'll be able to apologize and work everything out."
i slumped over a bit.
"you're right. really smart too, definitely smarter than me..."
"hey, don't say that. maybe you're not 'classroom smart' but that's not the only kind of intelligence there is. i think you're very smart when it comes to understanding people's emotions and i've heard that you're a really good cook."
"wha- did my sister tell you that?! or was it noya?"
he chuckled a bit.
"i'm not saying. point is, it doesn't matter if you get good gardes, because that's an awful standard of smarts. school tests your ability to memorize facts, and that's about it. a lot of people aren't good at that, and that's okay. there are so many other things that if you do understand, you're like a genius! even the 'smart' people that get good grades might not understand things like that, and that's one of the things that makes you special."
he beamed at me, and i found myself staring at him in awe.
i didn't realize i was slowly leaning in closer to him, until he nervously said, "ryū? wh- what are you doing?"
a dark blush appeared on my face, and i just wrapped my arms around him, pretending that i had been going for a hug the entire time. i felt him sigh a little bit, whether in relief or disappointment, i couldn't be sure.
"thank you, chikara. you've been a big help. and you really didn't have to come all the way out here just for me, you know?"
"well... what are friends for?" he asked quietly.
it might've been my imagination, but his voice seemed to hitch on the word 'friends.'
i squeezed my arms around him tighter, before releasing him and scooting back a minuscule amount.
"you can go home now," i said with a smile. "i think i'm gonna run a bit more, but this has really helped. thank you."
he stood up and held out his hand to me.
"it was no problem. i'm glad to give you advice in a park at any time."
i took it, and stood as well.
"only in a park though?" i teased.
he grinned.
"only in a park."
i chuckled.
"guess i'll have to schedule all future mental breakdowns here then."
"yeah, guess so. goodnight again, ryūnosuke."
"goodnight, chikara."
it only occurred to me when he let go, that we had been holding hands the entire time, and my face warmed again.
i shook it off, and began running once again.
.ennoshita.
i turned and watched him run off. i couldn't help falling for him more and more by the day.
'if only you knew...'