I had my hands preparing the table for lunch since I decided not to get food delivery. Even though it was my day off and I should take a break from cooking, I really needed to distract myself from the things that happened in the morning earlier. The more I had free time with nothing to do rather than watching the TV, the more I would think about everything Natalie had told me.
So instead of sitting on the couch and zoning out, it was better to spend my free time in the kitchen. At least I could come out with something.
As I settled at the dining table and was about to take the second bite of the yakitori chicken I cooked for myself, my attention had gone to the ringing noise next to my teacup.
"Hello?"
I answered after seconds of staring at the unknown number that was flashing on my phone screen.
"Hello. Hi!"
"Hi?" I frowned to the excited, nervous sounding voice that I couldn't recognise yet.
"Hi. Is this Chae?"
"Yes, speaking. Who's this?"
"It's Lisa"
I had been sailing on the rough sea of emotions with bestial waves smacking my boat, taking me to its spiral storm in the middle of the blue ground rather than to the delicate hue of gold shore. I had given up my strength to the beastly force, no longer capable of paddling away and taking a different path to save my life. But if those stories of finding your own self, or even God, in the middle of the sea were actually happened to people, then I just might have experienced mine. Because I had found a miracle upon my death; my Lisa, and I dropped the anchor.
"Detective Lisa?!" I exclaimed, which made her chuckle a little.
"Yeah. That's me"
Getting up from the chair, I cupped my mouth with disbelief hunting for my peace.
"You got my note!"
Yes. That was what surprised me. The fact that Natalie still gave the paper to Lisa even though I just rejected her feelings towards me was something worth to address. But receiving a call from the woman I had been waiting for was the most shocking, of course. Because I didn't expect her to after those failed attempts she had made.
"I got your number, actually"
"Oh about that, I didn't know if you would come today"
"I'm glad I did"
"You do?" I was getting shy by every word that came out from her mouth.
"Yeah. I wouldn't have gotten your number if I didn't"
I didn't know how to respond to that, thinking if Lisa just teased me about how hard it was for her to get my number previously. Or if she really was thankful to come by the stall today and get what she had been asking for; a chance to get close to me. I couldn't tell which one since her voice was so attractively distracting.
"I'm glad you called" I muttered low, unsure if she could hear me since the anchor that I dropped was pulling my heart down with it.
"Me too even though I wasn't sure if it's the right time?"
"That's fine. I'm doing nothing currently"
"Really?"
"Yeah. Anyway, what were you doing in Camden on Saturday?"
I asked since it was rare for Lisa to come to my stall on weekends, probably hating on the crowd and uncomfortable with it. So having her coming today as opposed to other days was unpredictable.
"I'm not working today. So I was thinking to stop by"
"I see. Where are you now? It's so noisy"
"Oh sorry! I'm still in Camden"
"What?! You are still there?!"
"Yeah. Next to your stall actually"
"Just finished your yakisoba?"
"Well, kind of"
Smiling, I walked back and forth to come out with something that would keep the conversation going since I was so bad at this.
"You really can't wait to call me, huh?"
And my brain came out with a risky tease that I wasn't sure how it got there in the first place.
"Hmmm, kind of too"
But thankfully, Lisa took it like a charm that she was by going with the storm wave instead of fighting against it.
"So, are you going somewhere after this?" I continued, refusing to have any awkward silence.
"No. I have no plan for today actually"
I saw that as the chance that Natalie told me about. Don't wait, she said. And I agreed with her because some chances in life wouldn't come twice. Most of the best ones only came once. So it's either you seize it, or have an entire lifetime questioning about why you did not.
"Would you love to have one?" I said it directly like how I wanted it without hesitation or second thoughts.
"Well, that depends on what kind of plan it is"
"How about going out with me kind of plan?"
I wouldn't let her make any move on me this time. Because for me, Lisa had done enough. She had come to my stall at least twice every week for more than a year now, without tired or bored, and I realised it was my turn now. I honestly didn't hope for her to say yes, considering the rejections I gave to her before. So there was no reason for her not to do the same to me.
"Sure. I'd love to, Chae..."
But Lisa proved to me that she wasn't someone who would let me down.
"That's great!" I got so excited in an instant, thinking hard about the activities she might be interested in doing.
As I was desperate to come out with one, putting the crowded environment as the number one issue to consider, which already threw a lot of potential plans out from the window, it was Lisa who suggested something to my ear.
"How about movie? Do you want to watch a movie with me?"
I smiled. It was a kind of smile that was hurtful to the face, yet satisfying to let go. It was a kind of smile when everything happened according to the plan and I finally found someone I had lost before; myself, lying on the boat as I enjoyed being devoured by the huge waves.
◾◾◾
"After you"
"Thank you" I said when Lisa held the door for me as I was exiting the cinema hall, letting me walk out first like a gentle person I just discovered her to be.
"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" She reconfirmed with me, probably worrying that I only had a set of sausage for my dinner while watching the movie earlier.
"Yeah, I'm still full actually"
I wasn't lying about that or trying not to let her buy me more food. I would love to. But I didn't grasp the need of eating the portion I usually had when I was hanging out with someone I tried to have as mine. Everything that I experienced with Lisa was just overwhelming until I couldn't find my appetite, and I just wanted to stare at her and listen to her voice more.
"Alright" Lisa was satisfied with my answer. "So...what do you think of the movie?"
The movie, of course. I denied any chance of coincidence in that topic. I guessed for Lisa to choose a movie about demons to watch was a form of brutal satire from God, insulting me for the sins I had committed and still doing them until now. But even though watching the movie felt like a slap on the face, I still enjoyed it just because Lisa was next to me.
There was no way I would watch a movie with that kind of plot by myself.
"I love it. It has an interesting concept" I tried not to give too much comments. Giving it short and brief was good enough.
"But why the doll is locked in at the first place?" Lisa asked as we were walking out from the cinema complex, heading to the nearest underground station.
I finally found out that Lisa had no idea about the movie we just watched together, and I felt the need to explain to her.
"The man who made the doll lost his daughter," I laughed a little, looking at how confused Lisa was at the whole storyline. "He believed that his daughter's spirit was still around, and he made an agreement with a demon to bring his daughter back"
I noticed how she slowed down her pace when she was a little far ahead from me, probably not wanting to let me off her sight. Her eyes were also busy, wandering around as if she was trying to scan for any possible danger. Even her face looked so serious that made me wonder if it was the movie that occupied her mind, or the worries of walking with a not police officer like me at night.
I could tell that she was at least a little bit concerned, considering the street was still packed with tourists and there was a lot to pay attention to.
"Demon? The one with red eyes and horns?"
She resumed the conversation when our arms touched.
"Yeah. Little did he know, the demon played tricks on him. The doll was just a tool for the demon to come into our world"
"Why did the demon do that? For what?"
"For a soul"
"That's just ridiculous" Lisa commented. "Why would you ask help from a demon?"
"People do things that they would never think of doing before," I replied. "Until that's the last option they have"
"I understand. But still, how stupid and desperate one has to be?"
I could only smile to the personal attack she wasn't aware of doing to me.
"Have you lost someone you really love, Lisa?"
"No" Lisa answered. "Not yet, at least"
I frowned. "Not yet?"
"I mean, I still have my parents" She chuckled. "But who knows, right?" Her attention was on something else now when we entered the less crowded underground station, probably looking for directions on the signboards. "Life is unexpected"
"I love that, Lisa" I replied shortly and Lisa turned to me, looking into my eyes instead.
"What?"
"Life is unexpected"
"Yeah, it's like, you have so many plans and goals for your life but suddenly..." Lisa stopped her sentence just like my steps did. "It ends. Your life just ends. Time's up"
I took a moment to stare at her, thinking that this was by far the longest conversation I ever had with the detective. I had Lisa as my regular customer for more than a year but we never gone more than just a casual chit chat at the food stall before. Having to talk about things that had deeper meanings with her made me feel like I didn't want the night to end.
It was our time together that I didn't want to end.
"But does it really?" I asked Lisa to open more doors to this topic because it was so tempting to know what she thought about life and death.
It was also because I never had this kind of conversation with my girlfriend no matter how close she was to this subject. Lisa was one of those people who didn't run away from death, but she worked with it instead.
"What?" Lisa questioned, probably needing to know what exactly I asked her about.
"Does life truly end?"
"Absolutely. You die and that's it"
"That's it?"
"Yeah. You stop breathing and your body is buried"
I crossed my arms, leaning against the wall behind me as my eyes kept looking at the handsome woman.
"Don't you think your body is just a physical element, Lisa? It's a tool, just like that possessed doll?"
Lisa scoffed, which rose a big suspicion to my focus in no second.
"Are you talking about the soul?" She responded with another question.
"Yeah. When you die, your soul leaves this physical body and you move to the afterlife"
She hummed as she nodded at the same time.
"I heard about this story before"
"Lisa!" I slapped the her arm softly, laughing a little without realising that I just physically touched her. "A story?! It's not a story!"
Lisa on the other hand, stood closer in front of me, making me anxious.
"Okay," She chuckled. "So, what do you think about it?"
"I think that life is a never-ending process. Even after you die in this dimension, you just continue living in a different dimension"
"Different dimension?" Lisa looked even more confused than before. "Like, different world? We have different worlds?"
"Correct. Different dimensions where the spirits, angels and demons live" I smiled nervously when I noticed Lisa just took another step closer again. "Heaven and hell" I cleared my throat. "And God"
The distance she put between us wasn't the only thing I was restless about, but also the look on her face at that time. She looked like she was struggling so hard not to laugh at my words, and I couldn't lie that I was actually getting scared by her responses. Since I didn't manage to hide my curiosity and worries about it, I decided to be straightforward with her.
"You don't believe them, aren't you?" I wondered, still keeping the smile on my face regardless the fear of waiting for her answer.
"I'm so sorry, I just-" Lisa covered her mouth for a moment, attempting to be serious again. "Yeah, actually I don't"
"You can laugh, Lisa" I wanted to give her the relief she might need by a soft grasp around her arm. "I don't mind"
But she chose to comment rather than laugh about it.
"That's amazing," Lisa ran her palm down her face. "I mean, it's an interesting fictional literature"
I automatically pulled her towards me as I still had her arm in my grip, putting more strength along my fingers.
"Fictional literature?!" I exclaimed. "That's just another word for a story!"
"Is it?" Lisa laughed, sounding nervous all of a sudden. "We have different beliefs, I assume?"
"What do you believe in then, Lisa?" I asked when I got so interested in knowing Lisa's way of thinking. "Tell me"
"Science and logic" She answered fast without a doubt.
"What about God?"
Lisa's mouth was shut. No more laugh, not even a smile. Her face screamed reluctance in answering that question of mine, and I guessed I could already tell what she was going to say next.
"Can I say it?"
She verbalised her hesitation.
"Of course, I want to know" I smiled even more while waiting for the bomb to be dropped.
"Well, I don't trust God"
My eyes went bigger as they were staring into Lisa's. There was no enough word for me to say to that statement, bearing in mind that the Lisa from my universe was a faithful worshiper of God. I could say that I was gobsmacked. She was so perfect, so impeccable in my imagination until she told me something that gave me a very hard time to process.
But it made sense to me if a famous detective like Lisa; someone who paid attention to details, smart and science-oriented, didn't believe in things that couldn't be seen or touched physically. She must have had her own reasons to hold on her stand. And that was fine for me. Because I had been together with two lovers who shared the same beliefs as me, yet still couldn't work our relationship out.
Maybe, if I try something different, it would go well this time. Who knows?
"That's cool" I commented, trying not to sound judgmental.
"You think so?"
"Yeah. It's a good thing to have various opinions and thoughts"
"So, if you think life continues even though it ends," She changed the subject swiftly. "Nothing is really ending, right?"
"That's exactly what I thought" I paused, getting lost in Lisa's eyes again for good seconds. "Death is only for the people who are still here, not for the ones who leave"
"Wow," Lisa breathed out, looking genuinely shocked. "That's a good line!"
Grinning, I let go of her arm when I realised I had been holding her for too long.
"I have to go now, Lisa" I excused myself even though I didn't want to.
"Already?" Lisa sighed as she checked the time.
I tapped my pass at the ticket barrier and noticed Lisa did the same.
"You aren't going Northern, right?" I blushed to her kind gesture since I knew which area Lisa lived in, and the tube line I was about to take was definitely not the right way to Paddington station.
"Yeah, I'll take Piccadilly to change to Bakerloo" She explained. "I just want to send you to your tube"
I turned to Lisa when I heard the tube coming, screaming inside the dark tunnel and getting louder.
"I had a great night, and a great talk with you" I opened my hands to take her in. "Thank you so much, Lisa"
It had been a while since I felt her body in my arms. I had missed her so much, inviting pain in the face of tears that tingled in my eyes at no time. So I lightly pressed my cheek to each one of hers, settling for a short goodbye hug to avoid any kind of awkwardness. Because at that moment of ours, being strong was the only option I had no matter how hard I wanted to cry at her chest and tell her everything that had happened.
"Thank you too, Chae"
"We can hang out some other time, right?" I asked, breaking the touch we shared and looking at her bright, brown eyes.
Lisa nodded.
"Please text me when you get home" She reminded me when the tube had arrived. "Good night, Chae"
"You too" I walked into the tube as soon as the door was opened, leaving Lisa standing in front of it.
I should have gone to the empty seat right away since it wasn't that full. I could sit down and rest since I had so many stops ahead before I reached my station. But I hid myself against the wall next to the door, feeling the urge to tease that detective that came out of nowhere.
"Gahhh!"
I saw Lisa startled when I surprised her with my voice, along with my head peeking in between the opened door. And Lisa laughed after that, probably didn't expect me to act that way. Well, the whole day was full of surprises anyway, might as well give it a grand ending.
"Good night, Lisa"
"Chae!" Lisa called when the signature London's tube voice; mind the gap was heard. "How can you think nothing is actually ending? Nothing lasts forever!"
I moved with the door as it was closing, separating Lisa and me in between.
"True love does, Lisa!" I said confidently with the last smile I gave to her for that night, knowing well the meaning of my answer.
The door was completely shut now, and the tube took me back into the tunnel.
Baby 🥺