The world calls her successful, but is she really?
We each have different meanings for the word, success. For some it's wealth, while others—fame, power, genuine happiness or even a love worth to be turned into a best-selling novel or a blockbuster film.
Lilac found herself smacked dab in the middle of everything.
She had one simple dream—to be a Korean Pop idol. Since she was a mere six-year-old child who discovered her innate talent in dancing and singing, and who was convinced to perform in every family gathering and school event, she knew she wanted to be a star. The brightest one in the night sky.
It was not easy for her, of course, it was particularly more difficult for her rather. She is not born in South Korea, she doesn't even have a single drop of Korean blood in her veins. She is just an ordinary Thai girl with big dreams.
With the popularization of Korean Pop—more known as KPop—in the global market, her mother was one of those who went crazy for the rather eclectic and unique genre of music. She can say, her mom was her major influence on her choice of career.
She could've just stayed in Thailand and be a local artist, why aim to move to a whole 'nother country where she has no family and friends? Why go to a place where she could possibly experience cultural shock, language barriers and worse, racism?
Even she, herself, thought being an idol will just stay as her secret holy grail, too impossible to reach. At fifteen years old, her backup plan was to pursue pre-med, a degree her relatives expected of her. But a rare opportunity came and she grabbed it desperately. When a person is desperate enough for something, she will work hard to have it.
In the end, she eventually got it. Out of thousands of auditionees, she, a fifteen-year-old skinny girl with long limbs and an undeniable ability to charm people with her complex dance moves, got chosen.
Nine years later, here she is—a total definition of the word; success. She trained for five gruelling years. Five years of non-stop singing, dancing, rapping, language lessons, acting lessons and everything her company deemed necessary for a future all-rounder idol to learn.
They were supposed to debut as seven, until two left—too impatient to wait any longer—and another one by the last minute. Four of them remained, and they have been branded as the KPop girl group, K4RMA, for four years now.
Her members not only became her best friends, but her family as well. They have overcome every hardship, every admonishment from their trainers and producers, every disappointment whenever the promise of their debut gets broken, and every time a supposed member says goodbye.
They were the last women standing, and every droplet of sweat and tears, had paid off these last couple of years.
Their fame skyrocketed two years into their career with a hit song, not only domestically but globally. They were coined as the biggest and most successful girl group of the present generation of idols.
K4RMA became one of the KPop groups who successfully broke through the Western market, and were even invited to various American and European shows—a rare feat.
Since then, they just keep getting more and more popular. She got fame, wealth and now, even power—knowing their management became lenient towards her group lately.
But maybe, you really can't have it all.
Lilac has known for months that her nearing three-year secret relationship with boyfriend, Ahn Ki-Ryeong, is on the rocks.
Ahn Ki-Ryeong, known as Kio of RAVN, a fellow idol and one who is just as accomplished as her. If K4RMA represents girl groups in the global scene, there is RAVN for the boy groups. A five-member senior group who debuted two years earlier, and who was highly-respected in the industry for saving their small company from bankruptcy.
You would've thought they would be such an ideal and well-loved pair. Two members of the biggest idol groups dating just screams power couple! But they had to keep their relationship a secret the past years for a reason, after all.
Relationships among KPop idols are considered taboo. Unlike the Western music industry, Korean labels are stricter and more of a perfectionist towards their talents.
Each one of their artists had to meet certain standards to cater Korean netizens and international KPop stans. They believe that being in a relationship ruins the image they worked hard to build.
Their current position under the limelight doesn't really make their situation any better. Why? Because more eyes monitor their moves, more people are ready to criticize and cancel them once a single mistake has been made.
Though, should she still worry about that? When hints of the relationship falling apart have become more evident?
He wasn't that clingy anymore. He failed to call or message her as promised too many times to count. His usual reassurances were nowhere to be found nowadays. His 'I love you's' started to sound like an obligation, not a proud declaration.
Their conflicting schedules made it even worse. With their world tours simultaneously on-going, meeting up and having time for each other had become close to impossible.
It was torture, at least for her. She loves him—very much. She longs for him. She feels like she was at fault, too. With all the empty 'I miss you's,' she did nothing to resolve her longing.
Maybe she was so used to him doing it all. Kio was always the one who made efforts—surprise visits, random gifts, midnight calls, lullabies through audio messages... she never had doubts when it comes to him.
That's why the changes lately had been so apparent.
"Can you really do it?," Rei—her group's half-Japanese member and the one closest to her—asked for the umpteenth time. She can also feel the gazes of the other two, but she chose not to glance at them or it will really be harder to endure her emotions.
"Why not?," she forcefully chuckled.
Really, she can do it. She can still perform in front of tens of thousands of their fans who have been waiting for them, despite everything. These concerts were the only reason she was still able to keep her sanity, in the first place. She can't imagine what she could be doing now if she's not on tour.
That's what has been scaring her all week—knowing that tonight's concert is the last of the European leg, before their one-month break.
"Lilac," Jada called out—the second eldest who is fully Korean, but was born and raised in Canada.
The girl walked towards her and pulled her in a comforting hug. Among the three of them, Jade Arabella is the one who she can relate to the most. She also dated a co-idol last year, and they lasted quite a while too, before the media ruined everything.
Lilac immediately bit her lip to stop the tears. She can't ruin her makeup now! There is only half an hour left before show time.
"I'm going to be fine guys! Come on," she tried to sound lighthearted, but her shaky voice failed her.
"We're always here for you, okay?," Jada released her and looked straight into her eyes.
She nodded in response, and swallowed the lump in her throat.
"We'll help you once we get back. Let's not jump to conclusions, Li," Seo-mi—their Korean leader, born and raised in Seoul, and also the eldest—added with a reassuring smile.
Throughout the concert, she managed to forget everything for a little while. This was the reason she had been able to get by these days. At least she has happy memories like this, even through the bad times.
•.°⏳•°.
Exhaustion was her companion every post-concert night—even the regular ones, probably. She felt so tired; physically, mentally and emotionally. She glanced at her phone atop the bedside table and contemplated about calling him.
When did I ever start to hesitate calling my boyfriend? After those nights when he started to miss it and not even bother to message me to apologize? After the realization that these days, it was always me who calls, and never him?
With those thoughts in mind, she reached out for the device and dialed Kio's registered number, praying that he will pick it up this time. He did, but instead of anticipation, she felt uncertainty.
"Hey," his voice sounded a little husky, like he just woke up from a deep sleep.
"Did I wake you?," she asked worriedly.
It's okay, you can wake me up anytime, baby. As long as it's you. She remembered what he used to always say.
"Yeah."
That's it?
"I can just call again... in the morning."
"No, it's fine. I'm up. It's been a while. I'm sorry, I wasn't able to call that much."
You always say sorry, but did you ever do anything to change what you've been apologetic for? No. She can't think this way. She can't be mad at him now. She can't hate him now. Don't say anything and just get over it, Lilac! You're being petty.
"What's up?," she asked, slightly doubtful. She almost scoffed at how awkward she sounded. Awkward! They reached this point already, she can't believe it.
"Uhm... Chief allowed me to get tattoos," his voice raised a bit because of obvious excitement. It made her smile too, at least there's good news for him.
"I told you, he'll agree."
She actually talked with Kang Namhyuk, the said CEO of VN Entertainment where her boyfriend and his group is signed. She got the help of Yohan—leader of RAVN, to convince the boss. The two of them almost made a PowerPoint presentation of the pros and cons of Kio getting tattoos.
It may sound weird that they still need permission to do this type of stuff with their bodies, but entertainment agencies are rather strict about these matters. As long as you're signed with them, they pretty much own you.
But she knew how much her boyfriend wants it. He started planning the designs way back when they were still just friends! Unfortunately, she can't have one with him. Other than the contract conditions with her agency, she also has low pain tolerance.
"I can't wait! I'll get it the day after we arrive back in Seoul," he continued.
He'll be back in South Korea a week earlier, because her group still has appointments with fashion brands in Europe. She's actually going to be home two days before their third anniversary.
"Will you go straight to your apartment, or you're going to stay with the boys first?," she tried to sound casual. She needs to know if there will be possible dilemmas on her planned surprise.
"Haneul insisted we should stay together in his penthouse for at least a week, first. You know, we can't really say no to him," he replied, talking about another member of RAVN.
She sighed in relief, hearing his words. Looks like Haneul did his assignment like promised. Good.
"Let's go on a date once I get back, okay?," she hinted.
"Of course."
Her brows slowly furrowed. He didn't mention their anniversary like usual. He used to always get excited whenever their anniversary is close, to the point that he had spoiled his supposed surprises most of the time.
Come on Li, don't think too much! You're just being paranoid. Maybe he has a surprise planned as well, and he's being careful this time, for a change.
"You should go back to sleep," she tried to smile.
"Get some rest, too."
"Okay. I love you, Ki-Ryeong."
"Love you, bye."
He hung up.
Lilac shakily moved her phone away her ear, and gazed at its blinking screen that says; 'Call ended.' Tears welled up her eyes and just like every other nights, doubts filled her mind.
Is this normal in a relationship? This should be, right? Every couple must have experienced this, right?
She long knew there will naturally come a time when it will be hard for them. The past three years, they already had a fair share of fights—the type that is normal for couples. But this one is entirely different, she can feel it.
Her womanly instinct is now on high alert, and started waving a red flag furiously in her head. This may be the first real obstacle of their relationship, and it's up to them if they'll choose to stay or not.
But honestly? She felt like he will choose to give up this time around. She was reminded of how he would always tell her repeatedly; 'I love you so much, so much, so, so much.' And right now? She badly wanted to call him back and ask him;
How long is 'much'?
Three years? Has his love reached its limit?
Was his love just this much?