Evan's POV
[Five days later]
"Brock and the others weren't allowed yet and only family members could come. I don't know why but maybe after a week they could visit you as well."
Without looking up, I hum while turning the page of the book I'm reading to the next one.
"Is that so? Then I'm looking forward to it." I replied, focusing back on the line of words I'm reading.
"The doctor said you should at least move a little so your muscles can get off some tension."
"I'll keep that in mind."
There was a short pause, the room suddenly falling into silence before my cousin called my name.
"Evan."
Without any other choice I divert my attention from the book I'm holding and look up at him with a brow raised but I quickly regretted it when the stitches on my busted eyebrow stretched a little bit causing it to sting and making me wince in pain. I saw him cringing in empathy as he hiss at my pained reaction.
"Yes?" I asked, trying to relax my face while I tilt my head a little in question. He stare at me for a second before looking away and shaking his head.
"Nothing." He paused, finishing up cutting the apples into bits before placing it on the table at arms reach. Lucas then crossed his arms, slumping back in his seat while sending me an annoyed look.
"I'm just surprised you're acting... normal."
'Normal', he says. On which part does he think I'm acting normal? To be honest, I'm just keeping my composure. I've learnt right from the start that making myself vulnerable and exposing my emotions would only lead to painful questions and eventually, regret.
As much as I wanted to frown I just chose to ignore his remark since it will only aggravate the stitches and might actually bleed (once again) so I just went back to reading the book I asked for him to bring on his next visit since my eyesight went back to normal. It is getting pretty boring and having nothing to waste some time is frustrating.
It's been five days since the day I've been confined, laying motionlessly on the mattress. The only useful movement I've made was when going to the bathroom or when a nurse came into my room and do a daily check-up, giving me medicine along with some bland foods. But somehow, I'm still tired. Even though all I've been doing these whole time was lay on the bed I still feel exhausted. The sudden lack of motivation and care took over my entire body, sucking the life out of my short existence. To make matters worst, my thoughts were all around the place, scrambled and lost, unlike how I used to be.
How did I became like this?
What took me by surprise was, for some reason, Lucas still stay everyday while being silent on one of the chairs and start sketching like the usual until it's dark. Even I have to admit that this place is boring so I know he is as well plus, I could say so myself that I'm not much of an enjoyable company so I'm still wondering what is he still doing here instead of spending his time on a much more useful way.
My thoughts were interrupted when I suddenly heard an unfamiliar tune. I look to my left where the noise was coming from and my eyes travel to my cousin who's softly humming and working on his sketchpad. This is the first time I hear him create some melody, it was soothing yet somewhat confusing unlike the once I've heard before on the radio in the past. I thought he was only going to continue humming but it took me by surprised me when he started singing.
"Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words"
Before I knew it, I put down the book and kept my attention on him.
"Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song~"
And then he went back to humming, drowning the words he sang earlier. The tune kept repeating, over and over and after a few minutes he stopped. The room went back to silence.
"Did you know? The singer is talking about being overcome with emotion while watching another singer. Whether that emotion is joy, sorrow, lust, or some combination of moving emotions is up for interpretation." He started explaining, hands still and hovering over his sketchpad, no longer working on his artwork. He then shift his gaze towards my direction and stare back at me straight in the eyes.
"The singer describe the feeling like being killed but it's happening softly- gently to our emotions and before you even realize it, you're hurting so bad that you just want it to end quicker even if it means you'll kill an important thing inside you." He continued, looking back down to his artwork before closing it.
"Some people find it poetic, while others find it confusing." He then put down his sketchpad, a small smile forming on his lips.
"For me, I find it tragic." He ended. The smile leaving his face and being replaced by an expression I couldn't describe.
"Is there a reason why you're telling me this?" I blatantly asked although I know what his response is going to be. As expected he shake his head and hummed in a suspicious manner.
"Nothing in particular." He replied with a smirk. I rolled my eyes before diverting my attention to anywhere else. I'm no longer interested in the book I'm reading earlier and I couldn't help but let out a deep sigh at the thought of boredom. I heard a sudden rustling where my cousin was and I look back to see him rummaging through his bag.
"Oh right. I forgot that your secretary wants me to hand you this yesterday."
He then grabbed something from his bag and pulled out a folder before handing it to me.
"Geez, what the hell were they thinking making you still work even though you're confined in the hospital! I wouldn't actually give this to you but your secretary told me that it is important to you and told him before that you wanted it as soon as possible."
I took it from his hand and at first stare at it in confusion but as soon as I opened the folder and reading the front page I began to understand what this is all about. I almost forgot about this case. These are all the list of possible orphanages I'll be going to investigate to search for Lance's missing grandnephew. I count the pages and there's a total of eight sheets of paper with all the names of orphanages all over the country. My vision is starting to get dizzy just by looking at the amount of names listed.
This is going to take longer than I thought.
I closed the folder and nodded at him, thanking him for bringing the stuff to me. He look at the folder curiously as he twirl a pencil around his fingers.
"Are you looking for someone?" He asked, still eyeing the folder. He must have read it beforehand.
"Do you remember Lance?"
He thought about it for a few seconds, frowning a little bit until his eyes lit up as he snaps his fingers.
"He's uncle's friend and your ex-butler, right? What about him?" He blurted, looking more confused than before.
"He has a grandnephew who was raised in an orphanage so he asked for a favor to me to look for that kid."
His eyes widen as soon as he heard it. Can't blame him, the topic is quite sensitive.
"Why the fuck would they do that to a child? I'll understand if they can't support that kid but knowing their status, that's not the case and after all these years it is only now that they're looking for him? Fantastic."
"Are you feeling sorry for that kid?"
"Who knows. I've overgrown from years of negligence." He said with a smirk yet his eyes holds a painful expression. Not wanting to end our conversation like this, I smirk as well and adjusted my sitting position in a much more comfortable way.
"At this point you can say that it was a curse in this family of misfits." I said with a grunt. He burst out laughing at my remark and playfully shake his head.
"It also must be a disease cause it affected those not related to us."
I just laugh along with him as I answer a simple 'Yeah' in response. Soon, the mood dies down and the room once again fell silent. The clock that was continuously moving can now be heard ticking among us.
"Hey couz, how can you tell the difference between love and obsession?" He suddenly asked, breaking the silence as he lay back down to the couch and staring at the ceiling.
"What's with your out of the blue questions?" I couldn't help it anymore and reacted his odd way of filling in the silence. I could tell that he didn't took my comment seriously and instead ignore it.
"Nothing important. I just realized that those two words have completely different meaning but the same motive."
Curious to what he meant by that, I gave in and asked.
"And what is that?"
The expression of his face didn't change but something in his eyes seems to trigger an emotion I couldn't decipher.
"Both can make you no longer grasp thought, logic or emotion." He answered without any hesitation. He then turn his head and look at me intently.
"Now tell me your own opinion."
"You may be right about the similarity, but I think both will have different outcomes."
"Love will still make you prioritize the other person even if you get hurt in the end while obsession makes you selfish and hurt the person you want." I explained. He somehow frown at my answer and ask once again.
"But what if both gets hurt?"
I look away and turn to my right where a vase filled with different kinds of flowers were placed. One I recognized as carnations and among those beautiful individual shades of red and white, one was a mixed.
"It depends on the reason." I said as I pulled the odd one out of the vase. He thought about it for a moment, looking down while tapping his cheek with his finger. Seconds pass by and his eyes shift back to meet mine.
"Lets say... by a misunderstanding." He uttered, almost inaudible if the room wasn't quiet enough but as soon as I heard the words it makes me want to laugh.
This brat really knows how to choose the most prickly words to veiled hints on me.
But I'm in no mood to argue with him so I'll just go along and entertain him for now.
"A misunderstanding? Now that's quite interesting." I commented, twirling the flower in my hand.
"Oh really?" He replied with a smirk, smugly looking at me like taunting but I ignore it and just stare at the thing I'm holding.
"That's the most complicated situation, do you know why?"
He didn't reply so I continue talking, finally looking at him to make sure he's listening intently.
"Because it's a mistake, a defect in one's own actions that they can't bear to acknowledge so the blame will be put to the other person. Whether it's love or obsession, in the end, both will still be at loss."
I watch as his adam's apple bob up and down instinctively as his smirk falter and turned into a frown.
"Loss huh..." He mumbled, looking down in thought. I didn't bother making any comment to fill in the silence since I'm one hundred percent sure he's going to ask the most foretell question.
"Are you at loss?" He asked just as I predicted.
"There's no point in dwelling on the past. It's already been done. The only choices left were to repent or moving on and reflect."
"But that didn't answer my question." He argued, staring at me while still in a deep frown. I look down at the striped carnation on my lap and it's meaning behind.
Funny how this flower appear now.
"Here." I said as I hand it to him. He stare at it for a second before accepting it and examining the flower.
"That's my answer."
He looked at me like I'm some sort of a crazy person but let it go and continue looking at the thing in his hand then I didn't expect the next words that came out of his mouth.
"Are you happy?"
Never once did I heard someone asked me that question so hearing it for the first time being directed to me makes my mouth dry.
My hand unconsciously raise up and touch the left side of my chest, feeling the soft thumping against my palm.
Still beating.
I look up at him and smile. "Have I ever been?" I asked back, but I'm wondering if it was directed to him or to myself.
How can you tell if it's really happiness and not just delusion?
What does it really mean 'to be happy'?
Can a guy like me get it? Have it? Feel it? Achieve it?
What is happiness?
The more questions I have, the faster the numbness spreads inside my chest. A hand suddenly grip my left shoulder and lightly shake my body. I snap out of my thoughts and look to my left to see Lucas looking at me in worry. I was about to speak when I felt a sharp, throbbing pain in my head causing me to hiss and shut my eyes while holding my temple to try and ease the pain. My body starts trembling for some reason and the pain began to spread around my eyes. The sudden feeling of wanting to vomit discomfort my stomach, making me nauseous. Shallow breaths escape from my lips as cold sweats form on my forehead, dripping down my face and landing on the sheets. It feels like my head is splitting and on fire while the rest of my body is as cold as ice.
Warm hands began to hold my trembling, cold ones and gripped it tightly, not having any intention of letting go as it shook along with mine. The heat emitting from where he holds felt like being set ablaze, spreading across my arms and became a distraction. I count one to ten to calm myself and even my breathing. After a few tries my composure came back and the sweating decreases. I waited for a few more minutes until my headache became bearable before slowly opening my eyes. My eyes met my cousin's troubled face as he watch me attentively.
"Are you okay now?" He asked in a soft voice I've never heard him make. I slowly let go of his hand and wipe the sweat on my forehead with the back of my hand.
"Yeah." I answered exhaustedly, every part of my whole body was throbbing especially my chest part.
"That's the first time I see you have a panic attack."
I frown to what he said and questioningly looked at him.
Is that how panic attack feels like?
Lucas must have noticed the confused expression on my face as he look at me with an eyebrow raised.
"Wait, is this your first time experiencing it?" He asked, still not looking away and ready to assist when I need something.
"As far as I remember I've never dealt with this problem before."
Another wave of headache happen causing me to hold my head once again and hiss in pain. A brief flash of memory came, reliving the old emotions I've been trying to supress.
Shit, wrong time to remember.
A sudden knock interrupted our conversation and not long after it opens and a nurse came. She was holding a glass of water and two medicines in hand. She smile once she saw that she catch my attention and make her way towards my direction. I catch a glimpse of Lucas rolling his eyes at the nurse while trying his best to ignore her actions.
"Sir, it is time to take your medicine." She informed while handing it to me. I took it without any objection and finish the glass of water before handing it back to her. It didn't went unnoticed when she put her hand on top of mine when she grabbed the glass back and linger for a few second before she took it from my hand. I internally cringe when she made eye contact with me and wink before leaving the room.
"Urgh, that nurse really gives me the creeps every time she comes in here. Why the hell is she always the one who comes here to give you your medicines? Also, why do you always look like you're unaffected? Can't you at least shrug her off or something?"
God, he's so annoying these past few days. Why does he always have a lot of question every time he comes in here.
"Just ignore her."
"That's it? That's all you're going to say? I guess that's why he-"
I sent him a glare and he immediately closes his mouth and look away with a frown. I clench my fist before letting out a sigh and avert my gaze. My eyes shift towards the window and the orange hues of sunset seeps through the curtains, basking my room with warmth.
"You should probably head back home now, it's dangerous to travel after dusk."
He seems reluctant after I said that and look back and forth from the setting sun to me. He grumble before picking up his bag and putting his stuff back inside.
"Tomorrow I might only come here until lunchtime, Kryoz wants to hang out. He said there's a new arcade near from where he's staying."
"You know, you don't really have to come here everyday right? I'm fine."
He stare for a second before clicking his tongue and finish up packing his stuff. Once he's done he stood up and sling it on his back.
"That's more of a reason for me to come."
A frown form on my forehead while watching him walking out of the door, leaving me confused to his last reply.
Just by having a conversation felt so exhausting and I couldn't help but let out a sigh. I put away the now crumbled folder and lay back down, pulling the covers up to my shoulders but as soon as I raise my arms the sunlight reflected on the object on my left hand and hitting my eyes, involuntarily shutting it close and lowering down my hand.
I glare at the source of my sudden discomfort but as soon as my eyes landed on it all my remaining energy drained, causing my entire body to feel worn-out. The coldness it emits against my thin skin, the hardness it has no matter how I clench my fist, the smoothness it gives while being worn on my finger, that's all there is to describe this ring that once became the reason we're bound to each other. This piece of jewelry no longer has its meaning, yet, I still don't have the strength to take it off. No matter how my mind tries to let it go and forget, I couldn't. I shouldn't.
This is the only thing left of his so at least I need to keep it.
I was about to get myself comfortable when a soft ringing interrupted the silence, echoing inside this confined room. I slowly reach out to where the noise was coming from and my eyes landed on my phone. I picked it up and answer the call once I saw the name of the caller.
"Yes?"
"Good day to you too."
I couldn't help but roll my eyes as soon as I heard his usual greeting.
"Can you please get straight to the point, father?"
"Can't I just call you because I want to know if you're doing okay?"
'Then why not come here and see for yourself?' Was I want to say but the possible outcomes of his response will be too troublesome and I don't have the patience to tolerate another long conversation.
"I'm doing alright. You did hear what the doctor said when you visit on the first day right?"
"I know, I apologise if I can't come there everyday. Since the day you've been confined, things get sort of complicated and we lost a few connections so I have to fix it before it gets too late and we'll end up losing more than it should be."
Yeah right. Connections. That's how you only call other people, nothing more.
"Also, I heard that your cousin never miss a visit. I'm glad you two are spending time together even though I'm sure you're not talking with each other." He added, laughing in the end.
"Yeah, I told him he doesn't really have to but he insist. He's only drawing though and listening to music."
"When did he didn't? Anyway, I should probably hang up now. You should take a rest and -"
When I heard him ending the call I panic and without thinking I yelled out.
"Wait!" Fuck.
There was a short pause, probably of him confused why I just shouted.
"Yes?"
I shouldn't have done that. Shit! What will I say? Why did I do that in the first place?!
He must have noticed my hesitation and answered the question I've been asking myself.
"Aren't you going to ask me how he's doing?"
My mouth gape as I try to find the right words to tell, opening and closing like a fish out of the water.
"You don't need to answer, I know you're curious anyway. He's fine, Brian's spouse was always looking out for him. In the meantime he's just staying at his parents place and not working."
A deep sigh escape from my lips and the tension on my shoulders began to relax as soon as I heard the news.
"I'm glad."
"Look son, I'm really sorry for what happened. I don't really want for you two to suddenly cut ties but there's no other option." I already expected that reason. I know for a fact that he's not the one who proposed that idea and just being cornered in order to give in.
"I know, I don't blame you or anyone. It's probably better this way."
"But still I think-"
"I'm exhausted, Father." I cut him off, stifling a yawn. The medicine might be kicking in and making me drowsy.
"...Okay. Sure, take a good rest. Talk to you again."
"Sure."
That's our last conversation before the call ended. I put down my phone and tried my best to blink away the drowsiness while I get myself comfortable and this time nothing disturbed me as I relax my whole body on the mattress. I look at the clock on top of the door and it's on 19:36(07:36pm).
It's still a wonder how time works. One time I'm in my office burying myself on piles of papers, not caring about anybody but work and now here I am, laying on top of a hospital bed waiting to recover from a bullet that I took for someone who became my everything but now no longer a part of my life.
What bullshitery.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Once I get out of here I'll start over and pick up the shattered pieces of what remains of myself.
I'll bring back the old Evan Fong but this time, an unbreakable one.
--x
Lucas' POV
Once I've stepped out of the hospital I swiftly pulled out my phone and call a certain person. The ringing goes on for a few seconds before the call finally got picked up.
"Hello?"
I started walking away as soon as I began a conversation.
"Hey maid, how ya doin'?"
This became a normal routine for the both of us. Since the day my cousin was confined and him moving out of the house I became the one who reports my cousin's current state to Jon. He told me their situation and I couldn't help but sympathize with not only to him but to Evan as well.
"I'm fine. So how did it go? Is he doing alright?"
Telling him about the panic attack isn't a good move plus he'll only worry more.
"Psh, no worries. That idiot is recovering fast. He's just having a few headaches but nothing much a medicine and sleep won't heal."
"Is that so? I'm glad. I really wish to check him myself but..."
"Yeah, yeah, I understand. That's why I'm doing this after all, right? Besides, that guy can't be left alone or else he'll get depressed."
"I'm sorry. This is all my fault." I can't help but grunt at his response.
"There you go again! Blaming yourself for everything. We told you many times that none of it was your fault. As for Evan, he knows what will happen and yet still took the risk to protect you. That's how important you are to him." I don't know how many times I've told it to him these past few days that he should stop blaming himself for everything. I'm starting to get annoyed for always repeating myself and reminding him. Every single time there's no conversation where that topic wasn't included.
Regret sinks in when all of a sudden I heard sniffling and a few hiccups coming from the call and panic quickly consumes me when the sound of his crying registered in my brain.
"I-I'm really sorry... It's just that-*hic* I wasn't careful and *sob* I couldn't forget his- God, he lost too much blood. Lucas... he's been shot! And what's worst was when his heartbeat stopped while we're in the ambulance. He could have died right there!" He explained between sobs. The thought of him suppressing his emotions all this time with no one to comfort him as of the moment gives an ache to my chest. In addition, this is the first time I heard about that incident. All I heard was he was shot and rushed to the hospital but none of the things he just said were mentioned before. I simply stood with my mouth hanging open, no words were coming out of my mouth.
I shouldn't have done that. What right do I have to get mad at him for acting that way? If I were in his position, seeing my cousin in that kind of state, who the hell wouldn't think like that?
The only thing I can do was listen to him crying on the other side of the call while I try to find the right words to at least put his mind at ease.
'But am I really in the right position to spout out empty words when I wasn't even there at the first place?' I second thought.
I shake my head and erase that pessimism out of my mind. This isn't like me! I can't break down right now. Jon still needs me so I have to be strong for the both of us.
"I know it's tough and I couldn't imagine how hard it must be what you're going through right now but I'll be always here for you. We are always here for you, no matter what." I reassured him, hoping those words were atleast enough to get through to him.
"We can't change the past, what's done is done. It hurts, yes, but it will heal eventually as long as you keep moving forward. All the mistakes we made should be taken as a lesson to learn and not just as a continuous nightmare." I added, finalizing everything.
"Yes, you're right. I can't believe someone younger than me was giving me advice and comforting me. Haha, thank you." He replied, softly laughing in the end as he started to calm down. I couldn't help but smile for successfully making him stopped crying.
"I know it must be irritating to hear it everytime but still, if ever anything happens, please call me. I don't care even if it's in the middle of the night, I'll pick it up. Just please, tell me if there's a problem. I'm aware that I wouldn't be much of a help but I still want to know how he's handling everything."
I felt something soft and cold brush against my forearm and I look at my side to see the flower my cousin gave me as his answer sticking out of my back pocket. I pulled it out and stare at it as I reply.
"I will."
That's the only thing I said before the line cuts off. I took a deep breath before sighing in exhaustion. I look around my surrounding and I didn't noticed that I'm at a park. I saw a few empty benches and with the flower in hand I took a seat, slumping my back and looking up at the darkening sky. All of a sudden my phone vibrates and I put the flower inside my bag before I pull it out to see a message from Kryoz.
From: AnnoyingBastard
Are you done visiting mr. Evan? (~￣³￣)~
Yep.
How is he? Is he recovering just fine?
Don't worry, he's alright.
I'm glad! (＾∇＾)
What about you? Are you eating healthy?
If you can call microwave foods as healthy then I am.
(￣■￣;) !!!
No way dude! You'll get sick if that's the only thing you've been eating this whole time!
Hold on a sec!
I got confused at the last text he send and so I waited until a few minutes later my phone starts to ring. I look at the name of the caller and frown.
Why the hell is he calling me?
I answered the call and I hear heavy panting on the other side of the line.
What the fuck?
"Are you still near the hospital?" He asked between gasp like he was running. I also heard some people talking and cars honking in the background.
"Yeah, I'm near at the entrance of the park just resting on a bench before heading ho—"
My eyes widen at the sight of him running to me at full speed with his phone against his ear. Once he noticed me looking at him dumbfounded he smile and wave his head before slowing down his pace.
"Good thing the apartment is near here." He said out of breath. I stare at him in shock that it took me a few seconds to react.
What?!
"W-What the hell are you doing here?!" I blurted, still staring with wide eyes and jaw slacking. He raise his pointy finger to indicate to give him a moment as he catch his breathe. He deeply exhale before standing straight and look back at me.
"Well, you said over the text that you're only eating microwavable foods so I got the idea of us eating outside together tonight."
"Idiot, you don't have to come. What if I already left? Also we're going to see each other tomorrow anyway."
He suddenly crouched down in front of me like last time when I was searching for him at the mall and stare at me with his soft eyes.
"But I want to." He said with a huge smile, I couldn't help but look away as my face started heating up.
With only those words, how can you make my heart waver?! If you keep doing something like that my chest will definitely explode!
He slowly stand up, putting both of his hands on his hips as he look left and right.
"So where do you want to eat?" He asked, looking at each building in sight. I stood up as well and put both of my hands inside my jacket as I shrug in response.
"Anywhere is fine."
"Nah man, you gotta choose."
Grumbling, I give up and just answer whatever comes into my mind first.
"Pasta I guess."
His eyes beamed and began pointing to our left where I remember a few popular restaurants were at.
"Well there's this nice place downtown. I tried it there once and the food taste good plus, it's cheap!" He suggested. We began walking towards where he pointed and casually start up a conversation.
"Since you came all the way here, I'll pay for dinner."
Before he could even argue back I glare at him and talk again.
"And if you refuse then I'll go home instead." I threatened. He then pouted in response and crossed his arms across his chest.
"That's unfair."
I bite back a smile and play it off casually as I started walking, giving myself a headstart and leaving him behind. He suddenly yelped and quickly catch up to me.
"If you don't like it then go home."
"No way! Then tomorrow it's my treat."
Wait, so does this mean we'll eat dinner together again?
"Hm? Why is your face turning red?"
I didn't realize he was staring at me until his face was inching closer to mine and I panicked. I pushed him away and pulled up my hoodie to cover my face.
"None of your business!"
I heard him laugh and put a distance between us while we continue walking.
"Sorry, my eyes are pretty bad so I have to come closer to get a good look but it seems like you're fine." He reasoned, scratching the back of his nape embarrassingly. I grumble and sped up my pace.
"Let's just walk faster. I'm getting hungry."
"Sure!"
As we walk on the pavement with street lamps starting to light our path, the rich hues of red blended with oranges, purples and crimsons were slowly fading as the blanket of night changes the sky, yet his voice as he told countless of stories was far more captivating than this scenery. Sunsets can be painted but this moment can only be a memory. So I'll cherish every second I can be with him and be happy.
But there's no way I'll ever say this to him.
_______________________________________
My writing's getting a bit rusty I think. :/ No matter how hard I tried to make them appealing to read a few words feels somewhat cringey and not fitting right in. That's why this chapter took this long to complete. Gomen 🙇. Still, I hope you liked this chapter. If there's something you didn't understand or confused then feel free to ask me. :)