"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives."
"Summers what are you doing?!"
"Get the fuck up!"
"Are you even trying?!"
"Get your head out of your ass Summers!"
To say this practice has been difficult would be an understatement. Every time I touch the puck I manage to screw up whatever it is I am supposed to do. I can not seem to focus no matter how hard I try.
Drew passes the puck to me from the back of our zone. I receive it easily and begin skating forwards. I see Rhosyn hitting her stick against the ice diagonally across from me as Eden and another girl, Grace, speed towards me. I shoot the puck towards Rhosyn just as Eden slams into me, sending me flying into the boards.
I clench my teeth and get up. She knows we aren't supposed to hit that hard in practice. However, the only person that gets in shit is me.
"Kaelin!" Drew yells, skating up to me. "Just go home and figure your shit out. You're useless to me right now."
"But-"
She shoves me against the boards. "I said go home."
Shame burns my face as I nod and skate off the ice. I can feel Eden's smug gaze piercing through my back as I walk towards the change room. She probably loved watching me fail. I found out from Rhosyn that Eden wanted the Assistant position and was furious when I, a fresh recruit, 'stole' it.
I slam the change room door open and rip off my helmet. I am about to throw it as hard as I can at the wall when I look up from the ground. Holy shit.
"You lost, little girl?" One of the men sitting in the men's change room says to me. I remember him vaguely from the party, he was rude to me. I could tell instantly that he is one of those sexist assholes that thinks hockey is a men's sport.
My cheeks flush in embarrassment as at least twelve pairs of eyes look up and stare at me. "Uh... Uh... Sorry..."
Then Nolan walks in with Lucian and Oliver at his side. All three of them are clad in towels around their waists, with damp hair and water dripping down their bodies. Oh my g- I quickly avert my eyes to the floor.
Don't look at Nolan, Kaelin. Don't you do it. Not even a peak.
"Summers?" Oliver asks, seeming genuinely surprised to see me. "What brings you here? Shouldn't you be practicing?"
"I...I was..." I stutter. I do not want to admit to Nol- I mean, the entire men's team that I just got kicked out of practice. But at the same time, I can't really think of a good excuse. "I was uh looking for Nolan!"
You fucking idiot.
"Really?" I can hear Nolan coming closer. "We can talk outside if you want."
I nod and he follows me out of the change room. Even in my skates I'm still an inch or two shorter than him. I try desperately to maintain eye contact with him as ever fibre of my being screams at me to look down.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Nolan asks, snapping me out of my trance. His amber eyes look skeptical and rightfully so.
I tried really hard to come up with a good lie, trust me, I did. All that came out was, "I needed to ask you for...For some help moving my refrigerator?"
He raises as eyebrow at me and crosses his arms over his chest. I allow myself a quick glance down, which turned out to be a really bad idea. My mouth goes dry when I catch a glimpse of his tattooed arm that is rippled with muscles. A particular tattoo catches my eye, it's a tiny black plane on the inside of his wrist, with even smaller Roman numerals inside of it.
"Why can't your boyfriend help you?" Nolan leans against the wall casually. "I thought you didn't want anything to with me or my fiancée?"
My heart drops into my stomach at the mention of Natalia. The reason my body and mind are reacting this way must be because I still care for Nolan, there is no other explanation. I had no idea my lingering feelings for him were this strong and I am somewhat shocked by it.
"About that, I'm sorry I said that." I look down at my feet in shame. "I guess I was just shocked."
He nods his head. "Yeah, it was quick engagement. We've been together for a year and a bit now."
I peer up at him through my lashes. "Only a year?"
"She actually proposed to me." I see a flash of hesitation in his eyes as he recalls what must have been Natalia proposing. "I couldn't say no."
A wave of protectiveness washes over me. "What do you mean you couldn't say no?"
"Well I could've-" lie. "-but I didn't want to." Another lie. His Adam's Apple bobs just slightly whenever he has to bite back the truth. To anyone who does not know him well it would be unnoticeable, yet to someone who does, like me, it is blatantly obvious.
"What do you mean?"
He looks around before hardening his gaze. "Look, I have practice. Are you going to need my help or not?" I can tell that the proposal subject hit a nerve, and whatever I want to find out about it I will have to pursue another time.
"No, you're busy, sorry for bothering you."
He turns around and heads back to his team. When he reaches the door, he turns his head. "Oh and by the way, your fingers twitch when you lie."
//
I take a deep breath before hitting the 'accept call' button on my phone. "Hello?"
"You answered!" Gage yells. I clench my teeth at the happiness in voice. Whatever reason he has for calling, it had better be a damn good one. He knows that I want nothing to do with him or his delusions of reconciling when he is released from prison.
"What do you want?"
"No need to be rude," Gage retorts. "I am only calling to ask how you are."
"I'm fine." I reply even though it feels like the furthest thing from the truth at this point. I am failing at hockey, I am failing at my relationship, and I am failing at keeping my feelings for Nolan at bay. I'm pretty fucking far from fine.
"Want to know something interesting?"
"Hm, does it involve anything gang related? Because if so, then hell no."
He laughs as if everything he put me through when I was just a teenager was all fun and games. "Oh come on, it wasn't that bad."
"You are one word away from being on this call by your fucking self. Get to the point."
"It's about that little boyfriend of yours." I can imagine the wicked smile on my brother's face. The way his eyes would narrow with the pleasure of knowing that whatever he is about to say is going to crush me.
"What the hell did you do Gage?" I snarl.
A deep laugh resounds from the speaker. "I heard about what he did to you. Let's just say he will learn his lesson when it comes to hurting my little sister."
"Gage no!" I yelp, my eyes darting to my apartment door as every fibre of my being wants to run to Roman to check on him. "Please don't do whatever it is that you're going to do."
"No one hurts my little sister." Gage replies with conviction lacing his voice. "And I'm not the only one who thinks that. I have to go Kaelin. I love you, see you soon." Before I can reply the call ends.
My thoughts immediately turn to Roman. He is in danger because someone at Oliver's party told my brother what happened. It was not Nolan, that I know for sure. The only people other than him that might have seen what happened in the hallway are Lucian and Oliver.
I throw open my apartment door and begin knocking furiously on the one across the hall. It has been two days since the party and not once have Roman and I talked to or seen each other. He texted me a few apologies and called me, but I ignored all of them. In fact, if it were not for this whole thing with Gage, I would not be at his door right now.
The door swings open and Roman stands there with an annoyed look in his eyes that quickly morphs to surprise when he sees me. He has a black eye that has turned an ugly shade of purple to go along with the bruises littering his arms.
"Kaelin?" He reaches out and takes a hold of my waist, pulling me closer. "Why haven't you been answering?"
"Because I'm pissed off," I retort before taking a deep breath. Focus, Kaelin. "And because my brother threatened you."
His eyes go wide in shock. A threat from my brother is not to be taken lightly and everyone, including Roman, has heard the stories of what my brother's gang has done to people. The worst of what he did occurred when he was in college, but I know he is still capable of some seriously fucked up shit.
"What?"
"He just called me and..." I trail off. How do I tell Roman that someone saw us arguing at the party and tattled to my brother? He already got the shit beat out of him and learned his lesson.
"And what?" Roman holds me a bit closer as if I can protect him from my psychotic brother. I could not even save myself from Gage's wrath, let alone Roman.
But you saved Nolan.
"Someone saw us arguing at Oliver's party." I reply with a small voice. "Whoever it was, they told Gage and now he is sending people after you."
Roman pulls me inside his apartment so fast my vision blurs. The door slams behind me and locks with a loud click. Roman hugs me to his body so tight I can barely breathe.
"I'm not letting that bastard near you," Roman whispers into my hair. "And if that means I have to leave for a little while, then I will."
I push away from him. "No! You can't leave!"
"I have to."
"I-"
Roman silences me by pressing a soft kiss to my lips. "Baby, I'm going. I won't put you in unnecessary danger. I'll try to keep in touch."
I nod. "Okay." Tears form in my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. This is for the best, for his safety and mine he has to go into hiding until I can convince Gage to back off.
"I love you, Kaelin."
The words feel foreign as they reflexively tumble from my lips. "I love you, too." It's a phrase I've said hundreds of times to friends and family, sometimes I meant it sometimes I didn't, but one thing is for sure; I didn't mean it this time.