Chapter 4
Katniss
I think I've about reached my breaking point. It's been only 2 weeks of being is this hell, but it feels like a lifetime. It feels like 100 years ago I was kissing Peeta on the beach in the Arena. Sometimes I think about how Peeta is holding up without me. I would imagine it's similar to how I'm holding up without him... I'm not.
But if the only ray of hope I have is him, it's enough... Because I get through my days and my nights all alone. Barely hanging on, but nonetheless still hanging on. I've realized how relieved I am that it is me being tortured in the Capitol, not him. I know he's safe in 13. They can't get to him there.
The only problem is that they can get me here.
Torture... Pure torture. Every day, the guards come. I cower in the far corner of my cell, wishing to just disappear. I haven't eaten in days. They rarely give me water. They un-cuff me from the wall and lead me to another room. They strap me to a cold, metal table. That's when they begin the memories. They inject me with something that turns my vision fuzzy and the world comes in and out of focus. When the world's in focus, everything seems shiny and almost purple tinted. Then, they'll play memories. They're mostly just of me. Surprisingly, there's none of Peeta. Or Gale, or my family. They're just me and people I can't seem to name. They look familiar, but I can't tell with whatever drug they inject me with running through me. They attach electrodes to me and start a heart monitor, making sure I don't die. No, nothing so kind as death for me. Then they shock me. They'll beat me and sometimes even burn me. They throw insults at me. Sometimes I'm driven to madness. They make sure I'm still seeing the world in a shiny way and make sure I'm scared. They make sure I'm still watching the memories. Then, if I'm lucky, they stop there. They throw me back into my cell, and sometimes give me bread and water.
But it doesn't stop there sometimes. A lot of times my torture is hearing Johanna's screams. I don't know what they're doing to her. Sometimes they'll even inject me with that stuff and turn the lights off in my cell. Then they play recordings of my loved ones screaming. I don't know what they're trying to do to me. All I know is that I hate myself.
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Katniss
I want to die. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Everything is all my fault. Twelve is gone, it's my fault. Peeta's family is dead, it's my fault. Thousands are dying, it's my fault. I'm here, it's my fault. I want to kill myself. I can't live here anymore, I can't live with myself. I'm a mess. I can't think straight. Every day, I try to think of how I can get the job done and get rid of myself. I caused all of this. It's all my fault. I am a monsterous, vicious person responsible for the deaths of so many.
When the guards come to get me today, they take me somewhere else. Not to that torture room, but to a Prep Room. A team of Capitol Stylists cover my bruises with makeup, they conceal my puffy eyes with some too. They fix my hair, and cover my burns and cuts with my dress. They're going to be interviewing me today, they tell me.
I haven't spoken in so long. I don't know what to say or to think or to feel, when they show me myself. They expect me to be happy, to feel beautiful. But I am overcome with a feeling to shatter the mirror, destroying the girl I see on the other side.
Destroying myself.