Two.
Once you master detachment and self-control, no one can break you, not even those toxic people who gave you traumas and damage. That's the most important; realizing your worth and value afterward to have the courage to let go of someone that no longer respects you.
Mahalaga ang sarili mo. Hindi mo dapat hinahayaang abusuhin lang ng ibang tao 'yon.
"Since we are in our last year, why did you take this course aside from you want to be a nurse?" Margarette asked a random question at a random time.
Pinaglalaruan ko ang aking labi nang tingnan ko siya, one of my mannerisms when I'm thinking. I thought about her question. Why did I take this course? What's my reason for studying this? Do I really want to be a nurse that's why I took this?
"Because Mama wants me to study this?" I answered, unsure of my answer.
At first, I was so unsure of my future, the reason why Mama forced me to take BS in Nursing. I don't like it before, I hate this before, dahil ginagawa ko 'yong bagay na wala akong interes noon at hindi ko alam kung may future ba ako sa larangang ito ngunit kinalaunan, I found out that I belong here, that this is the place where I could find my peace. I found myself here, and I learned to love what I'm doing.
Maybe because I realized that it's for myself, for Him, and for others? Serving others is a good thing. Maybe this is my purpose; to take care of others, to help them heal, and to remind them about their health.
"But that's not the issue anymore. Kita mo naman na gusto ko ang ginagawa ko," I added.
"Ako, kaya ko lang naman gusto maging nurse kasi gusto ko makapag-asawa ng doctor." Margarette smirked.
"Gago," I laughed.
For others, napakahirap alamin kung ano ang gusto nila sa kanilang buhay. There are also some that are really sure about their future kaso ang nakakatakot, maaabot mo kaya ito? Paano kung sa nasa kalagitnaan ka na ng pag-abot mo ng iyong pangarap, bigla mong mapagtanto na hindi talaga iyon ang gusto mo?
Mula noon hanggang ngayon, takot na takot ako sa hinaharap. I'm always thinking about my future but it will always end up worrying about it. Ayaw kong magsayang ng panahon. I also don't want to waste all of my efforts that's why thinking about my future worries me a lot. Kaya kapag sumasagi iyon sa isip ko, agad kong papalitan 'yong iniisip ko. I don't want to stress myself over my future.
Pero isa lang ang sigurado ako, na gusto ko maging isang ganap na nurse para sa bayan.
"Since I've mentioned the asawa thing, do you think the relationship is a distraction sa college life?" she asked, her black orbs were serious as she stared at me.
"Relationship is a big distraction if it is a toxic relationship."
And that's a realization.
I've never been this happy in my entire life until napakawalan ko ang sarili ko sa lahat ng ginawa ni Ambrielle sa akin. I feel so free and unbothered now that I don't have a boyfriend. Naaapektuhan pa rin naman ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito. I've been so loyal. Kaya mahirap sa akin na pakawalan siya noon dahil siya lang ang gusto ko. I've been a good girlfriend.
Noon kasi, naghihintay ako lagi sa wala. Wala pang assurance at gabi-gabi, hindi ka makatulog kakaisip kung deserve mo bang maranasan lahat ng masasakit na trato niya sa 'yo.
It hurt me a lot when we broke up, maybe because of the reason that I've loved him and I was attached. Siguro, dahil din sa idea na siya na 'yong gusto kong makasama habang-buhay.
But he's a big toxic, a big jerk, and a big asshole. Myself deserves a better man and he's not the better man. Ayaw kong makapag-asawa ng isang kagaya niyang malaki ang ulo, feeling pogi, at tamad. I was just so stupid for giving him a chance over and over again and making myself believe na magbabago pa siya. I was so stupid for not letting go, e, dapat nga sa kagaya niyang lalaki, pinupugutan ng ulo.
"I agree. Kapag kasi healthy 'yong relationship, nakaka-inspire mabuhay, 'no? Nakaka-motivate mag-aral!" she giggled. "Pero sa naranasan mo, parang ayaw ko nang magkaroon ng boyfriend. Sa 'yo pa nga lang, ang hirap na, paano pa kaya kung naranasan ko na?"
"I am not here to talk about my experience," I said bitterly.
I always ask myself; bakit kapag toxic ang isang tao, mas'yado nating minamahal? Bakit 'yong mga hindi karapat-dapat mahalin, sila pa 'yong minamahal natin nang buong-puso?
They are the reasons why we are miserable and they don't give a damn about it. Wala silang konsensya. Hindi ko nga maintindihan kung paano sila nakakatulog nang mahimbing sa gabi knowing na may isang taong miserable dahil sa kanila.
Early morning, I got ready for my tests and quizzes. I got used to this kind of routine. Kaunti lang lagi ang tulog ko dahil parang kasalanan pa kapag nakaidlip ako. I'll blame myself every minute if I'll nap because time will be complicated if that happens.
And my parents, especially Mama, have big expectations of me. Because Ate Elaine is doing good in medicine. She's a fourth-year med student, an achiever ever since, and never in her entire life that she has disappointed our parents. We're not that close but we're casual. And Mama wants me to be like her, but I can't, because I'm not as smart as her.
"Mama," I called Mama upon seeing her in the kitchen, cooking for our breakfast, when I get water for myself.
"O, you're leaving already?" she asked gracefully.
"Opo, Ma," I answered politely.
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa aking mga libro upang ihanda ang aking sarili sa mga paratang na naman niya. Bawat umaga, bawat alis ko, lagi-lagi niyang ipapaalala sa akin na hinding-hindi ko kayang lamangan si Ate. Ikukumpara niya ako at ipapamukha niya sa akin kung gaano siya kadismaya sa akin, kung bakit hindi na lang ako maging kagaya ni Ate na magaling sa lahat ng larangan.
Sinusubukan ko naman.
Sinusubukan ko namang matuto pero bakit hindi nila makita na magkaiba kaming dalawa? Na kung dito, nag-e-excel doon si Ate, bakit hindi nila tanggapin na sa ibang bagay ako magaling? Why do parents love to compare us to others? Whereas factually speaking, we are rare in many different ways.
"No, take a seat first. Nandito 'yong kaibigan ng Ate mo, you know, the one that she's talking about? The heir of all Arevallo's Hospitals. I heard he's genius, a responsible man, and a man with principles," she smiled widely, a smile that could reach her eyes.
"Po? But I have tests, Mama."
"And?" she raised her brow. "Isang beses lang 'to, Elvi. This is a good chance for you. You can ask an advice from him kung gusto mo mag-proceed sa med school pagkatapos mong g-um-raduate. He's also a med student."
"I really need–"
"Mommy!"
My eyes quickly landed on my sister who sounded so happy. It is not the usual her. She always looks so gloomy and grumpy over everything. Ilang segundo lang ay dumapo naman ang aking mga mata sa lalaking hawak-hawak niya. Unti-unting nanlaki ang aking mga nang mapagtanto ko kung sino ang tinutukoy ni Mama kanina sa kan'yang sinasabi.
Dahan-dahang ginapangan ng hangin ang aking tiyan nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa. His dark aura never failed to make me tremble. His amber eyes never failed to catch my attention dahil parang hinihigop ako nito. His dark aura loosened when he recognized me. His lips slowly curved into a smirk upon seeing my reaction. He looks satisfied and he looks like he's up into something.
Well, of course, who wouldn't be shocked when you saw your ex-boyfriend's roommate? The one who saw me making out with Ambrielle before? Gosh, nakakahiya!
"Good morning, Mrs. Fonsesca," banayad ang kan'yang boses nang batiin niya si Mama. Sumulyap muli siya sa akin nang mapansin niyang hindi natanggal ang aking titig sa kan'ya. I blushed as I remember the night when he caught us.
Akala ko noon hindi ko na siya makikita pang muli but that day came. Paakyat na no'n si Ambrielle sa kanilang unit nang hilain niya ako palapit sa kan'ya. Dahil wala namang tao, pinagbigyan ko na, and this man came and interrupted us. May mga sinabi pa siya noon na hindi ko naintindihan dahil mas inintindi ko ang aking hiyang natamo.
"Hello, hello! Take a seat, please!" Hindi matanggal ang ngiti sa labi ni Mama. "Kumain ka na ba, hijo? Looks like not. Naghanda ako para sa inyo! Paupuin mo siya, Elaine!"
As far as I remember, his name is Zavion. Ambrielle calls him Zavion and how would I forget that name if he knows one of my dark secrets?
"Thanks for inviting me here, Mrs. Fonsesca," he spoke softly.
Napairap ako dahil hindi naman ganito ang tono niya noong pinaalis niya kami ni Ambrielle sa kanilang unit.
"Naku! Tita na lang itawag mo sa akin. Mas'yado ka namang formal, anak," Mama chuckled. "Your parents are so lucky for having a son like you..." she added and looked at me, her eyes were telling me the opposite of what she had said, that my parents were not lucky to have me.
I don't have a good relationship with my parents because they are competitive and I am not. Ate Elaine is their ideal daughter. Hindi ko nga alam kung nape-pressure ba siya dahil sa kanila ngunit mukhang hindi naman. She's enjoying what she's doing.
"Your daughters are also lucky to have you as their parent," Zavion smiled.
"Suwerte si Elaine kapag naging asawa ka niya," Mama giggles.
"Lol, that won't happen," he responds, almost a whisper. I think I was the only one who heard it because Mama laughs, maybe she thought that Zavion agreed.
"By the way, this is my daughter, Elaine's younger sister, Elvira. She's a nursing student," she plainly said.
"I know her, Mrs. Fonsesca. I think I saw her at our unit? Visiting her boyfriend there..." He looked at me, then smirked.
I was taken aback. I couldn't move at my seat because of what he said. Mahina akong napamura at inis siyang tiningnan. Mukha naman siyang nawiwili na pinapanood ako kahit na kabang-kaba na ako sa aking kinauupuan.
I didn't expect him to say that in front of my Mother! Because aside from we don't know each other, what's the purpose of telling that in front of my family?
And heck, Mama will kill me. Damn, I know, for sure, that Mama will hurt me physically later.
"I believe she doesn't have a boyfriend, hijo. Baka iba ang nakita mo," pagak na natawa si Mama, mukhang nagulat sa ibinulgar ni Zavion.
"I bet she has. I caught them making out. Hindi n'yo po ba alam 'yon, Tita?" I sense a hint of excitement in his voice.
Depota.
I clenched my fist under the table. Mariin kong nakagat ang aking labi dahil sa inis na nararamdaman.
Sino ba 'tong lalaking 'to? At ano ba ang pakialam niya sa buhay ko?!
"W-well, Elaine here, the eldest is a good daughter. She's kind and pure. What can you say about her?" Mama tried to change the topic. Nakita ko pa ang paghinga niya nang malalim na para bang pinipigilan niya ang kan'yang sarili.
I looked at my sister who doesn't give a fuck about anything. Mukhang wala lang ito sa kan'ya. She didn't even bother to look at me. Her whole attention was on Zavion who is listening attentively to my Mother.
"She is a hard working woman," he answered directly.
They talked about their future, the hospitals, and Mama bragged about my sister's achievements. S'yempre, ako, nakikinig lang. Naghihintay na matapos sila dahil kailangan ko na ring umalis. May kasalanan ako kay Mama at alam kong hindi niya ako pakakawalan nang gano'n kadali.
Mama wants Zavion for Ate Elaine, that's a fact. When she knew about Zavion's achievements, kung gaano ito katalino, kayaman, at may future na naghihintay sa kan'ya, wala na itong ginawa kundi ang itukso kay Ate Elaine. My sister seems like she's enjoying it, too. I don't know, maybe she has feelings for that man. Gano'n naman kasi ang mga tipo niya sa mga kagaya ni Zavion.
"We will talk later, Elvira. Nakakahiya kang anak. Hindi ka na nahiya kay Zavion. Talagang hinayaan mong halik-halikan ka lang ng mga lalaki? Nakakadiri ka..." mariing bulong ni Mama sa akin nang tumayo na ako upang umalis. "And I don't know that you have boyfriend. Hindi mo gayahin ang ate mo na focus sa pangarap niya! Ikaw, puro ka kaharutan!"
I swallowed hard. Masama kong tinitigan si Zavion na abala sa pakikipag-usap kay Elaine. He felt that someone is looking at him that's why he looked at my side and raised a brow. Gumalaw si Mama sa aking tabi nang makita niya si Zavion na nakatitig sa amin. After that, I didn't waste a chance to walk away from them because I am too afraid to be beaten by my own Mother.
I send Margarette a message na sabay kaming pumasok. I told her that I am outside of their house and that I'm waiting for her. My day was ruined because of that man. If he didn't interfere, wala sanang mangyayaring masama sa akin mamaya.
Tangina, karamihan talaga sa mga lalaki, gago.
While waiting for my friend to come out of their house, I saw a familiar figure, walking alone, his hands were inside of his pocket. Muli na namang umalab ang aking galit na nararamdaman nang masilayan ko ang kan'yang mukha. I forgot my pose at the moment and walk faster towards him to give him a lecture. Zavion was shocked when he saw me standing in front of him, blocking his way, and my hands were on my waist, iritang-irita dahil sa ginawa niya.
"What? Let me guess. Your boyfriend left you, am I right?" his deep voice fills my ear.
Hindi ko pinansin ang kan'yang sinabi. I know that it's so obvious that Ambrielle and I broke up because everyone knows he's a jerk. Pero wala na 'yon, hindi 'yon ang dapat naming pag-usapan.
"You don't have to say that! Hindi naman tayo close!"
"Huh?" he tilts his head on the side, confused. "'Yong ano ba? 'Yong sinabi kong may boyfriend ka na?"
"You're a feeling close. What will you get in telling that to my Mother? Satisfaction? Na-satisfy ka ba?"
"Yes, I was satisfied to see someone being caught because of their wrong actions," he smirked. "Ginusto mong mag-boyfriend pero kapag nahuli ka, magagalit ka? Tiniis mo boyfriend mong gago nang ilang taon tapos 'yong sasabihin lang ng Mama mo dahil sa nalaman niyang may boyfriend ka, maiinis ka? What are you? A hypocrite?"
"It is not a wrong action!"
"It is," he answered immediately. "The moment you didn't tell your parents about it, it was already a wrong act because you lied to them. You're making them believe that you're a good daughter but in reality, you're making out with your boyfriend in the hallway? Really?"
Dahil sa kan'yang sinabi, mas lalo akong nainis sa kan'ya dahil mas'yado na siyang maraming sinasabi.
Gan'to pala ang roommate ni Ambrielle? Pakialamero? Pinapakialamanan ang mga bagay na dapat hindi niya pakialamanan? Hindi na ako nagtaka kung bakit galit na galit siya rito. Talaga naman palang nakakainis ang ugali niya.
"What do you care?"
"O, Zavion! Sino 'yang kaaway mo?" The familiar voice of my best friend, Margarette, who came out of their house, reaches my ears.
I cussed under my breath. What the fuck? Margarette knows him? Magkakilala sila?
"Just a random person who can't even accept their mistakes," Zavion answered without hesitating.
"Sino ba 'yan?"
In a swift movement, nasa tabi na ni Zavion si Margarette. She was so shocked when she saw me. She laughs loudly and pulls me closer to her. Zavion stared at us blankly.
"O, bakit mo inaaway ang kaibigan ko, Zavion?"
"I didn't know that you know this pakialamero, Margarette," mariin kong sambit.
"Malamang, kapit-bahay namin!" She chuckled.
"I'm leaving," he informed us.
"Wait! Tell me why the two of you fought!"
"Ask your best friend," he answered and walked away from us just like that.
I gritted my teeth in anger. Pilit kong kinakalma ang aking sarili dahil kapag galit ako, hindi ako 'yong tipo ng tao na nananahimik. I will throw things away from me to let out my frustration. I shut my eyes firmly and took a deep breath.
"Tangina mo, ah. Sabi mo hihintayin mo lang ako tapos makikita ko na lang nakikipag-away ka?"
"Nakakabanas 'yong lalaking 'yon, e. Taas ng tingin sa sarili," nangangailiti kong sagot.
"Bakit ba kasi 'yon?"
"Wala," I answered quickly and open my eyes.
She shuts her mouth after that. Hindi na siya muling nagtanong dahil ramdam niya sigurong galit pa rin ako sa nangyari kanina. Hinila na lamang niya ako para makapagsimula kaming maglakad nang hindi niya ibinubuka ang kan'yang bibig.
If I'm going to have wounds later because of Mama's violence, I don't care anymore. Kung sasaktan ako ni Mama mamaya, wala na akong pakialam pa.