Garden of Wounds (Panacea Series #1)

Chapter 3

Three.

I remember not wanting to get out of my bed because I feel sad and tired out of a sudden without any valid reason. Nakakapagod talagang kumilos kahit wala naman ako mas'yadong ginagawa, but I know that what I feel is valid because I'm mentally tired... and that's okay.

I used to be like someone who is so harsh to herself. Noon, kapag nakakaramdam ako ng lungkot o pangungulila, minamasama ko 'yon. Nasa isip ko, dapat hindi ko 'yon maramdaman dahil hindi ako mahina, but as the days passed by, I realized that it's okay not to be okay, na kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko, I should feel it deeply.

That was one of the worst feelings that I've felt; the emptiness and depression. Ayaw ko nang maulit muli dahil ang hirap lalo na't araw-araw ay wala kang gana sa lahat ng bagay. I was traumatized because of it.

"Nag-iingay ex mo sa social media," mahinang wika ni Margarette sa akin.

"Hayaan mo na 'yan. Baliw 'yan," I whispered back.

"Binabanggit name mo, Elvi." Her forehead creased as her eyes darted on me. "Tangina, gan'to na ba kabasura 'tong ex mo?"

"What?" I close my book and gave her my whole attention.

"Bakit imbes na manahimik na lang siya at irespeto ka, mas ginusto niyang mag-ingay pa sa social media tungkol sa relasyon ninyo? Nakakainis 'yong gan'tong tao!"

"I've blocked all of his social media accounts. I need peace," I breathe heavily. I have expected this, that Ambrielle wouldn't keep his mouth shut about our past relationship. I'm afraid of the judgments that I might get, but if that's the case, I have to embrace myself.

Naaapektuhan pa rin kasi niya ako.

Hindi naman natin kontrolado kung ano ang magiging tingin sa atin ng tao. Kahit pakitaan natin sila ng kabaitan, kung ayaw nila sa 'yo, masama ka pa rin sa paningin nila.

"Instead of wasting your time, why don't you–"

She cut me off because of annoyance. "You're my best friend and I don't tolerate this kind of shit..." she gritted her teeth. "Galit na galit ako, Elvira. Kung alam ko lang noon na gan'yan ang gagawin sa 'yo ng lalaking 'yan, kahit kamuhian mo pa ako, talagang ilalayo kita sa kan'ya."

"We don't know the future," I shrugged my shoulders. "Kahit na sabihin mong tayo ang gumagawa ng kinabukasan natin, may mga bagay na talagang 'di natin hawak, na 'di natin mapipigilan na mangyari 'yon. Ang mahalaga, nakalaya na ako sa kan'ya."

"Are you free? Ramdam mo ba na malaya ka? No, right? Because you are still traumatized! You are still stuck!" she grimaced. "And until now, hindi niya pinapatahimik ang buhay mo!"

"That's why I'm trying to get rid of everything. Unti-unti kong binabawi ang sarili ko. Believe me, I'm helping myself," I took a deep breath. "P'wede bang h'wag na lang natin siya pag-usapan?"

Because it is giving me a heartache.

Nakakapagod makipag-deal sa ganoong sitwasyon, lalo na sa gano'ng tao. 'Yong alam naman nilang basura sila at toxic, proud pa sila na gano'n sila tapos wala pang ginagawang hakbang para tulungan ang sarili nila.

My past self is a big stupid. Ew. T-in-olerate ko ang gano'ng klaseng lalaki? Nagpakabulag ako sa kagaya niya? Yuck.

"Pinahiya mo ako, Elvira!" Mom's voice is full of anger. Nanlilisik ang kan'yang mga matang diretsong nakatingin sa akin. I flinch as she was trying to get near me.

When I got home, I know that I can't escape Mama's wrath. Hindi niya 'yon palalagpasin. Kahit sambahin ko lahat ng santo, hindi niya makakalimutan 'yong mga sinabi sa kan'ya ni Zavion. She wants a perfect daughter and hearing those words from other people is a big disappointment for her.