a/n: hey, lads, it's a double feature since these two chapters are pretty much the same but different pov
.azumane.
i was terrified of this talk. i had been ever since friday, but i had to go through with it.
i knew he would want answers, but i wouldn't be able to explain myself. i didn't even know if i wanted to explain myself. not yet. i wanted to wait until the last possible minute to tell him i had to break up with him since i decided to go to college.
i knew he would be beyond angry and upset with me when he learned why i did what i did, but with the way this talk was going, it seemed like he wouldn't settle for leaving without some type of explanation.
before i had to tell him everything, i wanted to tell him how much i loved him so he would understand why i did what i did.
i didn't want to leave him, but i was terrified that if we tried long-distance, it would go terribly and things would never be the same.
"you still haven't explained," he said stubbornly said, as i had anticipated he would.
i sighed.
"well, like i said, graduation is soon..."
i hesitated, unsure of where i should go with this next.
"...and?" he prompted after a while of silence.
i took a deep breath. i couldn't tell him yet.
"i know that you'll go on to do amazing things, and... i don't want to hold you back."
it wasn't exactly the truth he was looking for, but it wasn't a lie either.
"you never hold me back, only help me get stronger!"
"it's not just that. i still need to figure out how this real world thing works, and-"
"so i'm a burden." he cut me off. "you're going to the real world and don't wanna be held back by your immature boyfriend who's still in high school, is that right?"
my eyes widened. where did that come from?
"no! nothing like that! i... just need to know that i'll be able to figure this out on my own. that way i don't become dependent on you, just in case..."
"in case what?"
i remained quiet and shifted uncomfortably. this conversation was going in a different uncomfortable direction than i was thinking it would, and suddenly i was being forced to talk about feelings and doubts that i didn't even want to acknowledge.
"tell me," he demanded. "in case what?"
i clenched my fists.
"in case i end up as a failure, and you decide you don't want me anymore."
his expression held nothing but shock and disbelief.
"are you crazy?! i'd never want to leave you! what propaganda is this and who has been feeding you these lies?!"
i decided to ignore the last half of his questions about propaganda, and focused on the first half instead.
"you don't know that, it's impossible to know exactly how you'll feel in a year, or even a week from now. there are no guarantees in life, especially with feelings. i don't even know how you fell for me in the first place, and with that already unsteady base, it adds an extra layer of uncertainty and i don't know if our relationship would survive that."
i tried telling myself to stop speaking, but the words kept coming anyway. but i suppose this was a time for honesty, so i might as well address these concerns that had been bothering me subconsciously for a long time.
after i finished speaking, noya looked more angry than i could ever remember seeing him. at least, angrier at me than i could remember.
well, i could remember one other time.
either way, i hated it.
"well obviously not. if you had that little faith in me and in our relationship, maybe it's for the best we broke up! if you're not willing to risk it for me, maybe it's for the best... maybe you are just a coward..."
i slumped my shoulders. i knew his words were true, but they still hurt. he would always joke about me being so shy, but i had never heard him say it with such conviction and malice.
"yeah... maybe i am. i just figured that i should be able to find confidence for myself to make this work. if i don't even have faith in myself, how can i have faith in a relationship? i've heard people say it's hard to love someone else if you struggle to love yourself..."
i didn't want to stick around any longer for the rest of this conversation, so i began to walk away, and i heard noya yelling after me.
"wait, asahi, i didn't mean it like that! i was mad and it slipped out!"
i stopped in my tracks. he always talked too much.
"i know. you always talk a lot, even when it gets you into trouble. i think that was enough talking for one night, i'm tired. we can talk more later though, alright?"
i was far too emotionally exhausted to deal with unearthing any more of these hidden doubts.
he stared at me for a while, looking conflicted, before he finally responded.
"alright."
he didn't say anything else, which sort of bummed me out even more.
"goodnight, noya."
i started the walk home again, and after a minute, i heard noya calling out, "goodnight, asahi."
as i walked, i considered everything. this felt like our big argument earlier in the year... but it wasn't quite the same. just the fact of walking away like this after such an emotionally draining conversation.
i clenched my fists, barely paying attention to my surroundings.
if i couldn't tell him that i was going to college now, how was i going to tell him later? i knew i would have to tell him at some point before graduation, but there were only three weeks left until that happened. less than a month to prepare myself for this. twenty one days.
i cracked my knuckles as i reached my house.
"i'm home!" i called out, taking off my shoes at the door.
"hey, pal, how was practice?" my dad asked, poking his head into the front hall.
i sighed deeply.
"exhausting."
"yeah, you seem tired. there's dinner keeping warm in the oven for you, but make sure to get to bed right away so you don't fall asleep in class tomorrow."
"yes, sir," i said with a mock salute.
i hung up my book bag and jacket on the coat rack, then headed to the kitchen for dinner. i passed my mom on the way, and had pretty much the same conversation with her as with my dad, then went to eat as quickly as possible.
after that, i raced up to my room, and flung myself onto my bed.
i needed a plan of how i was going to tell him. and after that, i needed to tell at least one person so i could be held accountable and not back out.
i would probably tell daichi and suga, since they were my best friends, and i would trust them with anything.
i began thinking about everything that had happened since i broke up with noya, and how much trouble i had caused- and was still causing.
my stomach felt like it was rolling over, and i grabbed my pillow, clutching it to my chest. it felt like there was a fan in my chest, but one of the blades was broken. i kept trying to remind myself how to breathe, but it didn't seem to be working. i squeezed my pillow tighter and tighter until it seemed like a miracle that the stuffing didn't pop out. at the very least, it would probably be permanently flat after this.
how could i do something so horrible? maybe noya was right. maybe i was unbelievably cruel for refusing to explain to him.
with shaking hands, i pulled out my phone and opened my group text with daichi and suga.
i sent a simple message.
'can any of you video call right now? i'm not feeling well, and i need to talk to someone.'