.nishinoya.
"hey," i said when i was near enough, stopping at a very platonic distance.
"hey," he said.
he looked like he wanted to speak but didn't know quite what to say, and i knew he would be uncomfortable saying anything first, so i decided, 'fuck it,' and talked first.
"okay, listen. i think this is a talk for complete honesty, so i need to say... actually, we should probably sit down, i don't know how long this is gonna take."
"alright," he agreed, and we went to a bench and sat down.
i looked at him, but he seemed kind of shifty, and avoided too much eye contact.
"alright, like i said, complete honesty," i started again. "i kissed tanaka."
that got a reaction out of him.
"what?! when did this happen?! i thought he was straight?!"
"uhh, yeah, about that. so this happened two days ago, and i don't wanna share all of his personal info, but he's been a bit confused recently. no need to worry though, it was totally platonic, just helping a bro out. besides..." i looked down at my hands in my lap. "i'm still totally, completely, undeniably in love with you."
my voice trailed off at the end, but i knew he heard what i said from the way he tensed up slightly.
"and i- i guess you don't love me anymore, but i thought i'd just let you know."
i sneaked a glance over at him to see his face scrunching up with indecision for a moment before he said, "i'm still in love with you too."
that startled me. so much that i couldn't even think of what to say at first.
"then why? why would you break up with me, and with no explanation? do you know how much you hurt me?"
he flinched slightly and sighed, hunching over.
"i'm sorry, i know i hurt you, and it hurt me to see you so sad, but i had to."
"but why did you have to?" i urged.
i wasn't even expecting us to get back together or anything, i just wanted to know why he did what he did. what was going through that head of his?
he shook his head.
"i... i had to. i can't explain."
"at least try to explain! you have to understand, the fact that you're not clarifying anything makes this so much worse for me, especially after saying you still love me! what am i supposed to think now, huh? you still love me, but you broke up with me for some mysterious reason, and now you refuse to tell me what it is? this is torture. you're unbelievably cruel, asahi, and i never imagined you to be that way."
he made a noise like the air had gotten knocked out of him, the cold weather causing his breath to fog up. it almost sounded as if he had gotten punched. i ignored that and waited to see if he would explain anything.
when enough time passed as though it seemed he wouldn't say anything, i got up, and moved to walk away, but he stood as well, and grabbed my arm.
if he was using his full strength, he could've held me back from leaving, but i didn't think he was, so i could leave if i wanted to. he was giving me that option, and i considered it.
but i stayed. despite the cold, i didn't walk away because i wanted to hear what he would say.
he dropped my arm and looked me in the eyes with complete confidence, and an unwavering stare that was so rare off the court. it was one of my favorite expressions of his, especially now, with his face half in shadows, and half lit by the warmth of the street lamp.
as he spoke, his voice hardly shook, even though i knew it was sometimes hard for him to voice his emotions out loud with how shy he was.
"yuu, i am so in love with you that it hurts. i love every single thing about you, from the top of your hair to the bottoms of your feet. i love the way you move with such assurance, and how confident you are in general, unafraid to speak your mind. you have this giant presence in a small body, and we're complete opposites, but you chose me anyway, out of anyone. and i know how hard that was for you after tanaka told me what happened in middle school. i hurt you, in almost the exact same way she did, and i can never apologize enough for that. i just hope you won't still hate me by the time it's graduation, and if i might be so presumptuous, i can only hope that you can even forgive me for this, and we can go back to at least being friends."
i bit my lip, trying to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. during asahi's speech, his voice had wavered several times, but he did his best to cover it up, and now i could see emotions similar to mine reflected in his own expression.
"i... i don't know what to say," i said quietly. "for once."
i smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood, and was glad when he smiled too.
i took a deep breath that burned my lungs, and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to think of a suitable reply.
"i miss you," is the first thing that popped out of my mouth. "and... i really appreciate everything you just said, and i hope we can be friends again too. but... you still didn't explain."
"well, like i said... graduation is soon," he said.
it seemed like there was something else on his mind, but he didn't say anything.
"...and?" i prompted.
"i... i know that you're going to go on to do amazing things. i don't want to hold you back."
"you never hold me back! you only challenge me to help me grow stronger!"
he finally dropped his gaze to the ground and broke eye contact.
"well, aside from that... i need to figure out how this real world thing works, and-"
"so i'm a burden," i interrupted. "you're going into the real world and don't wanna be held back by your immature boyfriend who's still in high school, is that it?"
"no! it's nothing like that! i just... i need to know that i can figure this out on my own, because i'm not always gonna have you by my side, and i don't want to become too dependent on you, just in case..."
"in case what?"
he hesitated, opening his mouth, then closing it again, shaking his head.
"tell me. in case what?"
he sighed deeply.
"in case i end up being a failure, and you graduate and decide you don't want me anymore."
my jaw dropped.
"of course i'll always want you! are you crazy?! what propaganda have you been reading into and who is feeding you those lies?!"
"you don't know that... it's impossible to know how you'll feel a year or two from now, or even next week! there are really no guarantees in life, and i don't even know how or why you fell for me in the first place. with that already unsteady support, that adds an extra layer of uncertainty, and i don't know if our relationship would survive that."
i glared.
"well obviously not. if you had that little faith in me and in our relationship, maybe it's for the best we broke up! if you're not willing to risk it for me, maybe it's for the best... maybe you are just a coward..."
his shoulders slumped.
"yeah... maybe i am. i just figured that i should be able to find confidence for myself to make this work. if i don't even have faith in myself, how can i have faith in a relationship? i've heard people say it's hard to love someone else if you struggle to love yourself..."
he moved past me and began walking away.
"wait, asahi, i didn't mean it like that! i was mad and it slipped out!"
he paused.
"i know. you always talk a lot, even when it gets you into trouble." he turned around and smiled a little bit at me. "i think that was enough talking for one night, i'm tired. we can talk more later though, alright?"
i hesitated. what if he lost his confidence later and refused to talk? what if this was my only chance? what then?
"alright," i eventually agreed. i figured he had already checked out of this conversation and i wouldn't be able to get anymore out of him anyway, so i might as well let him go.
"goodnight, noya," he said, and turned and started walking away again.
"goodnight, asahi," i called out to him.
i didn't walk home immediately.
i stayed frozen to the spot, feeling like emptiness was sinking into my skin, and watched him walk away until i couldn't see him anymore.
suddenly, i felt a delayed bit of anger flare through me. why hadn't i made him stay and explain more?! obviously there was something he still wasn't saying, but what?
i flipped off the spot where he had been standing minutes ago.
"you bitch," i whispered sharply.
if only i'd had the confidence to call him that to his face before he left.
i suddenly began to think about everything that had just happened, starting to breathe heavily.
i figured that maybe i should think about this at home in case i started angry-crying (or just regular crying), and plus at home, i could facetime ryū and he could help me feel better.
so i took off running as fast as i could without slipping on any lingering ice to get to my house.