P A T
"Hoy, mamsh!" Nagising ako nang bigla na lang may tumapik nang malakas sa likod ko.
I sat straight while casually checking my watch, and almost flipped out when I realized that it was already 11:30.
I missed my first class.
I turned around and saw my friend, Mads, looking worriedly at me.
"Anong nangyari sa iyo? Wala ka kanina. Hinanap ka ni Sir Ferdz. Submission pa naman no'ng report. In-extend niya na nga 'yong deadline, 'di ba? Akala ko tinapos mo na 'yon kagabi?" tuloy-tuloy na sermon niya.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang nakatulog ako sa library! Nandito kasi ako sa pinakasulok, sa likod ng isang malaking bookshelf, kaya siguro ay hindi ako napansin ng librarian.
OMG. I can't fail Sir Ferdz's class! Major subject namin 'yon!
I quickly apologized to Mads, grabbed all my stuff, and ran as fast as I could. Nasa dulo ng campus ang library building at nasa likod naman no'n ang faculty. Mabuti na lang at paakyat pa lang si Sir Ferdz nang abutan ko siya.
"Oh, Pat. What happened to you? You weren't in my class," nag-aalalang tanong niya nang iabot ko sa kaniya ang report papers ko.
"Emergency lang po talaga, Sir. I'm sorry! Natapos ko na po 'tong report kagabi," I stammered, almost out of breath.
Sir Ferdz just smiled nicely at me and took the papers from my hand. "That's okay. Just inform me if you won't make it to my class next time. Okay?" Ngiti niya. "Or at least, inform your friends para sila ang magsabi sa akin," mabait na bilin niya.
He is a fine old man who is perhaps in his early 60s, with gray hair, chubby cheeks, and a bulging stomach. He looks like your typical tito, except he's openly gay and proud about it.
"Alam ko naman na mahirap ang buhay ng mga college students. I've been there before. You can be honest with me," pahayag niya. "I chose this field because I want to share my knowledge, at hindi para pahirapan ang mga estudyante ko. You, as future teachers in the making, should apply that to your future students as well," he said softly. "Remember, what I always tell you in class? Teachers should not make things harder for their students, but the other way around." And with that, he smiled and patted me on the shoulder before walking away.
I was at a loss for words because of the overwhelming gratitude that I felt for Sir Ferdz. To be honest, I was not sure which program to take when I first got here. I was already taking Education back when I was still in Patterson, but I figured that if I wanted a fresh start, maybe I should shift to a different course, too.
I had a lot of doubts and I wasn't confident about myself, but meeting Sir Ferdz helped changed my mind. I decided to still pursue Education in my aspiration to become a teacher just like him. And I really hope that one day, I can inspire my students the same way, too.
I walked back to the library feeling relieved. I started looking for Mads, but the place was already empty apart from a couple of HRM freshmen huddled in a corner. I went to the cafeteria, but she also wasn't there. So I just took my phone out and finally dialed her number.
"Mamsh! Nasaan ka?" agad kong tanong pagkasagot niya no'ng tawag.
"Nandito kami ni Ganja sa gym! Tara rito!"
Napabuntonghiniga na lang ako nang ibaba niya ang tawag nang walang pasabi. May mga nagpa-practice na naman siguro na varsity players sa gym kaya sobrang saya niya.
I decided to take my time walking along the campus on the way to the gymnasium. Medyo hinihingal pa kasi ako sa katatakbo kanina para puntahan si Sir Ferdz.
I quietly observed my surroundings and couldn't stop myself from smiling.
Maganda ang school namin. Hindi siguro 'to kasing-laki ng dati kong school pagdating sa building structures, but this one has more open space. More trees, more grass, and more fresh air. Sobrang peaceful at serene ng buong paligid lalo na kapag class hours at walang mga estudyante sa field.
Mas malaya ang pakiramdam ko nang nag-transfer ako rito, and I'm thankful na kahit transferee lang ako, I found friends like Madeline and Anjanette who both welcomed me with open arms.
When I finally reached the gym, I found both of them in the bleachers, cheering their hearts out while our school's varsity players were playing in the middle of the basketball court. I don't get why a lot of students are watching and why they were cheering. Hindi naman pala competition.
"Uy, gaga ka! Kanina pa kami nandito. Ang tagal mo!" Mahinang hampas sa akin ni Ganja pagkakita niya sa akin.
"Bakit? Ano bang mayroon? Eh, lagi naman talagang nagpa-practice rito 'yang mga 'yan. Hindi pa ba kayo nasanay?" tanong ko.
Ako kasi 'yong transferee pero sila 'yong parang bagong salta sa sobrang kasabikan nila ro'n sa mga players ng varsity.
Umupo na lang ako dahil wala naman akong interes manood, but both Mads and Ganja were standing on the bleachers as if desperately trying to catch sight of someone.
"Bakla ka talaga! Not the old ones. Ayun, oh! Iyong transferee! Varsity raw talaga 'yan galing Patterson Academy. Ayun oh! Iyong #8!" sigaw ni Mads habang hinihila ako patayo.
Transferee?
Galing Patterson Academy?
Posible kaya?
No, no. Malabo 'yon.
Bakit naman 'yon magta-transfer? Eh, scholar 'yon sa Patterson?
At kung totoo man, bakit dito pa talaga?
The players ran to the opposite side of the court kaya mas natanaw ko na sila, at halos malagutan ako ng hininga nang mapagtanto na tama nga ang hinala ko.
Kahit gaano kalayo ay makikilala ko ang mga galaw niya, at hindi ako maaaring magkamali.
Naestatwa ako sa kinatatayuan ko nang magtama ang mga mata namin; his beautiful brown eyes piercing mine.
I swallowed hard, trying to absorb what was really happening.
I feel like I'm going to pass out.
He's here.
He looked at me for a few seconds, his right hand still unconsciously dribbling the ball.
And then he was running.
He scored three points.
And he never looked at me again.
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"Waaah! Grabe ang guwapo niya talaga!" hindi maka-move on na kuwento ni Ganja habang kumakain kami sa cafeteria.
"True, mamsh," pagsang-ayon ni Mads. "Akala ko immune na ako sa mga guwapo simula no'ng nag-aral ako rito. Pero lahat sila, walang panama kay #8."
Tahimik lang akong kumakain ng french fries habang nagsasalitan silang dalawa sa pagpuri sa ex ko. I still can't believe he's here. Parang kanina lang ay ini-i-stalk ko pa siya sa Facebook, tapos ngayon ay nandito na rin siya sa Dawson.
It's been a long time since I last saw him in person but he looks the exact same. Except probably his hair. Parang pinakulayan niya kasi 'yon ng light brown, which only emphasized his eyes and made him more attractive.
I shook my head, forcing his image out of my mind before standing up. "Una na muna ako kay Miss Belle. Ayaw kong ma-late ulit," paalam ko sa kanila.
Sa totoo lang, gusto ko lang talagang mapag-isa. Para na kasing sasabog ang utak ko sa sobrang dami ng iniisip ko.
Pero wala na akong nagawa nang tumayo na rin sina Mads at Ganja, at saka sumabay sa aking lumabas ng cafeteria habang nagdidiskusyon pa rin tungkol kay Justin.
"Loyola last name niya. Nakita ko sa jersey niya. Kapag ako naging girlfriend niya, magiging Loyola talaga 'ko sa kaniya!" pagbibiro ni Ganja na siya namang tinawanan ni Mads.
I pretended to laugh along. I remember him saying a similar joke to me back when we were together.
Basta mga Loyola raw . . . loyal.
Nabusog kaya siya no'ng kinain niya 'yong mga salitang 'yon?
Aside from my ex transferring to my school, my day flew by without much incident. I tried so hard to get him out of my mind, pero aminado ako na buong araw ay wala akong ibang inisip kung hindi siya.
Iyong mga nangyari sa amin.
Iyong panloloko nila.
Iyong pag-iwas ko sa kanila.
Bumalik lahat.
Just when I thought I was making progress, eto na naman siya para guluhin ang mundo ko.
It was the end of class and both Mads and Ganja have already gone home. I was sitting on a bench outside campus, waiting for my mom to pick me up, when I felt someone sit beside me.
Without even looking, I already sensed that it was him.
"Pat," he whispered; his voice achingly familiar. Just hearing him say my name makes me want to cry all over again.
I looked at him, then . . . staring directly at his handsome face.
It was past 5 p.m. and the sun was almost ready to set. It was getting dark but I can still remember his face like it was yesterday.
For the second time today, our eyes met. And my stomach started turning as if my intestines have learned to dance.
Ano ba ang mayroon sa kaniya?
Bakit ba hindi ko siya kayang kalimutan?
Bakit ba kahit anong pigil ko ay sobrang apektado pa rin ako sa kaniya?
"Justin," I whispered, acknowledging him.
Just saying his name feels so unreal, almost like I'm in a dream. Or a nightmare, I'm not sure.
Kung puwede ko lang siyang hindi kibuin, ginawa ko na. Pero kami lang namang dalawa ang nakaupo rito, at mahirap magbingi-bingihan.
Although he was at the far end of the same bench I was sitting on, I still got a whiff of his perfume. I almost wanted to cry when I realized that he was wearing the same scent I gave him last Christmas. I know for a fact that he has a huge collection of colognes and perfumes. I don't know if he used that scent on purpose, o sadyang hindi niya lang naalala na sa akin galing ang pabangong 'yon kaya 'yon ang pinili niyang gamitin ngayon.
"Nag-transfer na 'ko rito," he said shyly, fidgeting with his fingers.
I'm pretty sure everyone in Dawson already knows that he transferred here. Siya ba naman ang usapan sa buong school kanina.
"I noticed," I said, trying my best to sound uninterested, when really, my heart is beating so fast I'm surprised he hasn't heard my heartbeat yet.
"Galit ka pa ba?" tahimik na tanong niya, breaking the awkward silence with an even more awkward question.
"Hindi," mabilis na sagot ko.
And I was surprised because I actually meant it. No matter how hurt I was and how bad things ended between us, I was never mad at him. Disappointed, maybe. But never mad.
"Salamat." Malungkot na ngiti niya. "Maybe, we can . . . talk . . . sometime?" he asked hopefully. "I just . . . I just want to know how you've been."
Hindi ko alam ang isasagot ko. Buti na lang at dumating na si Mommy kaya sumakay na agad ako sa kotse at hindi na nagpaalam pa sa kaniya.
"Hang on, Pat. Was that Justin?" my mom asked, looking behind us to check if she was right.
"No, Mom. You're hallucinating," I denied, shaking my head.
I felt bad for lying but I don't want to worry her. She knows everything that happened between us, and I don't think magugustuhan niya kapag nalaman niyang tama nga siya at 'yong ex ko nga 'yong nakita niya.
"Really? But that guy looks just like him!" pagpupumilit niya, at akmang ihihinto pa ang kotse para lang tingnan nang mas maigi si Justin.
"No, Mom. That's not him," I hissed. "Can we please just go? I'm not feeling well. Gusto ko nang matulog."
Hearing that I wasn't feeling well immediately caught her attention. She nodded worriedly at me, finally removing her eyes from him.
I woke up the next day to the sound of my alarm clock at exactly 5 a.m. I wasn't able to get a decent shower yesterday morning because I woke up late, and I also wasn't able to shower last night because I slept as soon as I got home. My body feels so sticky, so I decided to indulge myself in a long, hot bath today.
As soon as I stepped out of the shower, I immediately grabbed my phone and scrolled through Facebook while drying my hair. I have one friend request, and my heart fluttered when I saw his name.
Chase Justin Loyola
Does this mean that he wants to be friends again?
How about Aubrey?
I stared at his name for a full minute before quickly deleting his friend request.
I walked in front of my mirror and stared at my reflection, unhappy with what I was seeing. I used to find myself okay-looking. Pretty, even. But ever since Justin cheated on me, I slowly developed a lot of insecurities.
Akala ko ay sa teleserye lang nangyayari 'yon, pero totoo pala. Kapag naloko ka ng taong mahal mo ay hindi mo mapipigilang mapuno ng tanong ang isip mo. Kung ano bang kulang sa iyo. Kung pangit ka ba. Kung kapalit-palit ka ba.
Then why? I whispered to myself in the voice of Liza Soberano.
I combed my hair and decided to try something new for today. I took out my Dyson Airwrap and twirled the tips of my hair. I wore a casual, sleeveless floral dress that had been in my closet since last year and remained untouched. I paired it with my favorite white sneakers, and I also put on more make-up than usual.
I was happy with the results. Babaeng-babae ang itsura ko, gaya ng ayos na gusto noon ni Justin sa akin.
I can pretend and tell everyone that I'm doing this for myself. But deep inside, I know that I'm trying to look better for him.
And somehow . . . that thought made me feel uncomfortable.
I took one last look in the mirror before changing my mind. I hate how fake I looked. I didn't look like myself at all.
I quickly wiped off all my make-up, took off my dress, and exchanged it for my favorite E-Heads shirt and ripped jeans.
There. I smiled at my own reflection as I tied my hair up in a bun.
Now, I look like the Pat that I am.