ZARA
"How long do you think they'll be?" I ask Jane while we stare out the window, both arms crossed and watching the rain pelt down on the puddles.
"It's only been ten days."
Yeah, ten days of absolute hell.
Theo left us but I know he has a good reason to. It doesn't make it any easier watching him walk away, knowing how dangerous the whole plan was.
I was angry at him, ignored him when he got ready to leave and panicked when I came back to his stuff gone.
The feeling of being in his arms made me feel whole again.
Did I trust them? No.
Did I believe her plans of getting us out of here? No.
Did I believe Grace when she told me she would return? No.
"Stop overthinking, Zara. He will come back. It's Theo, remember." Her hand rubs my arm, leaving me to stand in my own head.
It's Theo. I remind myself.
I touch the string on my finger, smiling at the memory of him, nervous and doing something I never saw coming.
Why did I mess him around so much?
I have more regret than you could ever imagine, horrid mistakes and I can't do anything to undo them.
Especially Thomas.
How can someone so close to you, be a total stranger?
I'm hurt, but not for reasons people would think, I feel betrayed by his fake friendship.
"I'm going to feed Teddy and get him down for a sleep, go for a walk, clear your head," Jane calls to me from the kitchen.
"Ok, and Jane?" She pops her head out, "thank you, for everything."
She gave me a tight smile, going back to mashing up whatever concoction she's made.
I pull the rain jacket up my arms, three sizes too big on my small frame. Open the door and slowly closing it behind me.
My hair is coated to my face in a matter of seconds, the smearing rain mixed with the harsh wind still isn't enough to calm my worry.
That's when I see them.
Far in the distance, walking down a grassy verge to the fields in front of me.
My dad, urgh.
Grace, holding on to a little boy.
Where is Theo?
Where the fuck is Theo?
My legs move before my brain tells them to, splashing down on the wet ground, hammering my feet harder to pick up speed.
I lose my footing every few strides, hands digging into the mush, pushing myself back up while my feet slid.
"Where is he?" I say, drastically heaving in breaths before my lungs collapse. "Theo... where is he?" I look between the two of them.
"Let's go to the house and talk, Zara, sweetheart." My dad places both hands on my shoulders and tried to move me in the direction of the house.
"Don't fucking touch me." I hit his hands off me, forcefully shoving against his chest, "you don't get to call me that."
I turn to Grace, not caring that she has a sleeping kid on her shoulder. "Where is he? Fucking tell me." I yell.
"He's gone, Zara."
Gone? No. It's Theo.
Why can't I breathe?
Staring at them both, mouth opening but no sound comes out.
"He saved us, Zara. He didn't stand a chance against his dad." Grace says, rubbing circles on the boy's back. "He told us to run and he would hold them back."
Theo's not dead, he can't be.
I can feel my body caving in, chest deflating, defeated. My knee hits the mud first, then the other. "No," I say quietly, the rain rushing around me, hands pulling at my hair as the panic starts to rise.
"No," I say repeatedly. My dad crouched down and places a hand on my shoulder again, squeezing it.
"Theo's dead, Zara. He isn't coming back. We need to go."
Rage hits and my clenched fist connects with his face, forcing him back. "He's not fucking dead!" I yelled, getting to my feet, shoving him. "Don't fucking dare say that again."
Grace has started to walk away, cradling the little boy. "Stop! Tell me the truth, now."
"Zara..." she huffs, her facial expressions are neutral. "...I watched him go down. Do you need me to explain how many bullets he took?"
I can hear the echoes around us, my ears filling with my own sobs, covering my mouth while I let go. "He promised he would come back." I cried. My dad embraced me, and I let him.
I shook in his arms, destroyed. Like I'm shattering into tiny pieces, exploding into nothing.
It hurts.
My dad helped me back to the house, where I break down again in front of our son and Jane. She doesn't believe it at first, then Grace kindly told us that he was shot multiple times on the legs, chest and finally the big blow to his head that ended his pain.
I held my breath the whole time.
"I need to go find him." I pushed away from my dad and launched myself out the door, halfway across the field when I heard Jane screaming for me to stop.
I fall to the ground, curled up in a ball and tried to come to terms on how this happened.
Grace knew this was a suicide mission, but she also knew Theo would do anything to make sure we are saved.
I sit up, grab onto a wooden fence to get to my feet, walking into the woods.
I scream.
Not cries of sadness, I'm angry.
He said he wouldn't leave me.
But he didn't promise me he would come back, he knew.
"You fucking left me, Theo!" I shout into the empty space, the trees whooshing with the wind but blanketing the rain from me.
"Fuck!" My fist slams against the tree, again and again, until the red drops splash onto the bark.
Looking at the string on my finger, in the moment of anger I ripped it off, ignoring the skin pulling up on my mid finger knuckle. I yelled incoherent words while I launched it, not watching where it lands.
"No..." I freeze over, "no, no, no." I ruffle the leaves over the floor, searching for the last thing Theo gave me.
I break down again, my heart can't do this.
I cried for hours, talking to Theo as if he were there, telling him all the things I'd make sure Teddy knew about him.
Our son.
Everyone looked at me with sadness in their eyes when I got back to the house. Jane wrapped me in a towel and put me in the shower, washing away the mud, blood and tears from my rigid form.
She kept telling me it will be ok, she will make sure we are ok. She brushed my hair and put band-aids on my hands, kissing my forehead softly and telling me we had to leave now.
I should be excited to leave this prison, but it isn't going to be the same without Theo.
How do I raise a child on my own?
How do I live without him?
I'm madly in love with Theo, always will be, until the day I die and see him again.
Fuck, this is on another level of grief.
What if he survived it? What if he comes looking for us and we have left?
I need to leave a note.
I lift a pen from the desk next to the bed, pull out some lined paper and stare at Teddy while he plays with his toy aeroplanes.
Mini Theo.
Here we go... breath, Zara. With a trembling hand, I start to write...
Theo,
I have no idea if you will ever read this, or if you survived, but I am hoping Grace is wrong. You can't be gone, you are the love of my life and I refuse to believe someone who has a soul like yours, can just be gone. I'm struggling to stop my hand shaking right now, my tears are soaking the paper, my tears that fall from how heartbroken I am that I will never see you again. You can't be dead? No, you're Theo fucking Dawson. The man who showed me how powerful love can be, how amazing it is to be a parent by your side. I have many regrets, mistakes, all of them resulted in me hurting you repeatedly. Why did you put up with me? I'm nothing special, yet you kept fighting for us when I gave up. I wish you told me about your dad at the beginning, that he had you under his hold, I could have saved you the way you saved me time and time again. I'm staring at our son right now, watching as he pretends to make noises of cars and planes, sitting up unaided, he just smiled at me, he knows how to cheer me up, just like his daddy. I got mad earlier and pulled off the string from my finger and threw it, I looked everywhere seconds later but it's gone, I'm sorry. Theo, my glue, my past, present and no longer my future, how the hell am I supposed to live without you? How do I go on? I have an empty void, deep and painful. No matter what happens, I will always love you, ALWAYS. Theodore will know how brave and strong his daddy is, was, and he'll make you proud, I promise. Jane is calling on me now. We're getting ready to leave this hellhole. If you find this then you are alive, please find me. Please never stop looking for me because I will wait forever. And if someone else finds this letter, please know that this man is my world. This man is the one who made me who I am today.
I will love you until my very last breath.
Zara.
Stifling, I put the lid on the pen, place it back on the desk, fold up the paper and lay it on the bed, grabbing our bags and throwing them over my shoulder.
I'm floating.
I'm numb.
No words can explain how I feel, why do I feel physical pain?
I lift Theodore, Teddy. Place him on my hip and watch us in the mirror. "We love you," I whisper, closing the door over slowly, out the front door and joining Jane and the rest.
"One day at a time." She took my bags, rubbed my back as we followed my dad, Grace and the kid.
I pull Teddy into my chest, his legs handing at my sides while I kiss the side of his head, hugging him tighter as we leave the town.
My tears fall slowly down my cheek, sniffing and staying silent.
I feel teddy going heavy, falling asleep in my arms.
I have a part of Theo with me, forever.
He has Theo's eyes, his facial features and most likely the same attitude. I welcome it.
Teddy Alexander Dawson, it's me and you now.
How do I live without you, Theo?
END OF BOOK TWO
Thank you for everyone who is still here!! Your votes, comments and love drove me to continue, even on my worst days.
-OLD VERSION-UNEDITED