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Previously on Infinite, Jacob and his family invited Lara to their thanksgiving dinner. At the dinner, she meets once again Quinn, the man who she fears due to her experiences in California and now, the cousin of Jacob and Charlie. Lara stays most of the night at the Camareno residence, then decides to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom, Quinn enters trying to molest her, and without thinking, states that Jacob is her boyfriend in order to protect herself. Quinn escapes rather immediately, and Jacob enters. Lara tells Jacob what significance Quinn has in her life, and he approves of this idea. Jacob, then, drops her home, kissing her in the process as he walks her to the porch.
46: Fearful
Point of View: Marian Lara Estrada
I stand still, trying to understand what is going on. Calm your nerves, Lara. I control the instinct to push him away, to scream and wonder why the hell his hands are cupping my cheeks, why his lips are locked against mine. Instead, I stand still, shocked and confused. He's doing this to protect me from Quinn - from the man that grudgingly holds over the anger he has towards Jake and I, I try to process in my mind, but it isn't fully embedded. I cannot push that thought deep into my brain when there is something different about the way he is doing this - the way his lips are warm, the way he - out of nowhere - did this gesture. I separate our lips slowly, knowing someone is still watching from his car, and looked at Jayce.
He seems dazed, his lips parted slightly. I do not know how to react, and at the same time, I cannot speak. I feel my lip tremble as I look at him. My mind pushing in new ideas and thoughts that I cannot fully process with the worries and agony inside my mind. "Lara - I -"
"T-thank you for dropping me home," I look down at the snow-filled ground, pulling out my keys in a fidgeting manner. I push the key into the hole, rushing my actions, and quickly unlock it. I look back at him, not knowing what else to say, and enter. "Lara -" I stop my hands from shutting the door, looking him directly in his eyes. "I - I'll see you at school." I nod, replying, "G-good night, Jayce."
"Good night."
I close the door behind me, taking in the darkness. No one is here yet. It's thanksgiving, yet no one is home - the silence consuming my thoughts right away. I run up my staircase, entering my room, locking it. I grab my laptop from my desk and turn it on, clicking the Skype application. I need to speak to Jake - I need to speak to him now. But what do I say? How will I tell him? How will he react? The ringing commences right away, but before it can surpass ten seconds, the line connects to him. My eyes make their way to the time, 9:50 pm. It's almost eleven o'clock in California.
"Sweetheart," his voice is raspy, but panicked, quiet but panicked. "S-sorry," I reply back, "I couldn't - I wasn't able to speak earlier." "What happened after that ass- I mean, Jacob hung up?" He grits his teeth, making me worry how to tell him what I had done. "I - He helped - I - we -" I cannot form my sentences correctly, but he waits, a stoic expression on his face. I try to calm the throbbing inside my brain, fearing his reaction. He's going to scream at you and want nothing to do with you after you tell him; he's not gonna want you at all after realizing what you have done, my mind scolds, making it even harder for me to speak up.
"Lara, how are you feeling?" His voice is soft, and I look at the screen to see his eyebrows knotted, his eyes full of compassion and love. "I'm scared, Jake," I stutter, "I want you here." You're pathetic. You're telling him you're scared, yet your lips touched another man's lips. "I wish I was with you, too, sweetheart, but I'm glad you're safe in your home," I see him force a smile on his face, knowing that he's trying to keep a strong façade in order to keep me calm, but it's doing the opposite.
I'm not safe. Especially since Quinn knows where I live. What if he finds out that I lied? What if he figures out that I used his cousin in order to keep me safe? What if he figures out that I'm still with the person that made him jobless? This will ruin everything. Especially since I dragged Jayce into a lie that can pierce boundaries that should've never been broken.
"Lara, baby girl, please speak to me." His voice breaks my thoughts, making me look at the screen. "Sweetheart, you haven't said anything. What's on your mind?" I feel my heart pound harder, knowing I have to tell him what I did - what happened, but I'm too frightened to know he'll be gone.
"I told - I told Q-Quinn," I sputter out. He doesn't speak, just listening to me, and since I started, I can't stop. "I told him -"
"Told him what?" He carefully states.
"Jayce and I -" I feel the first amount of liquid slide down my cheek as I directly look at Jake, the realization of what is about to leave my mouth coming at him like a strong force. I repeat my words, trying to complete the thought in my brain, but before I can complete my statement, he does it for me: "That you two are together." His voice, unrecognizable of what emotion is running inside of him, frightens me, and I feel myself choking, begging for air as I am frozen. "You told Quinn that you and Jayce were together," he says out loud, and guilt becomes evident in my veins - I shouldn't have done that, but my fear and safety for myself came over me before my love for this man on the screen. "Jake - I'm -"
"Don't apologize," he cuts me off, and I look away, trying to hold in my tears. I assume he heard me gasp for air at his abruptness, and he continues, "I - I'm -" his voice seems distant, and at any moment, I expect him to get angry. I look down, my eyes squeezed shut as I prepare for his outburst, but it doesn't come. Instead, his voice is soft, "I'm glad," he exhales out, making me look up, "I'm glad you're okay." He takes a brief moment of silence, making me wonder what is going through his mind, "If-if this is what will keep you safe, I - I'm fine." I try to form words inside my mouth, but they are jumbled and tied up, so he continues, "I'm not mad at you, sweetheart. I - I rather know that you're safe than tell him about our relationship... Your safety is my priority." I feel something ease inside of me, but the anxiety is still present. I feel my tears fall freely down my cheeks, the kindness in his voice making me unworthy of his love.
"Just know - I love you so much. That'll never change, and Jacob -" before he can continue, I force my voice out, "You're the only one for me, Jake. No one, and I mean no one in this world, will ever change that." I see a small smile form on his face although his eyes resemble something else - sadness and weariness. I know he's tired - he's getting tired putting up with this distance, with all these troubles and hardships that happen because of me, yet he's still here. "Marian Lara, I miss you." My lungs suffocate as his words, the pain of me hiding something hurts me as he shows his love for me. He needs to know the truth, Lara. You can't hide the fact Jayce kissed you.
"I - I miss you more," I wipe my eyes with the palms of my hands, "I miss you more than I can explain." "It'll be worth waiting for you, sweetheart. I know it'll be, because the more time I'm away from you, my love for you grows stronger," he looks directly at me through the camera. You need to tell him, Lara. You need to tell him. He deserves to know what happened, my mind scolds. Jake continues to talk, speaking about how are distance means nothing, and although both of us are in pain, he knows we feel the same way about each other, about how when we see each other once again, it'll be worth it. I feel my heart slam against my ribcage with every kind word he says, strength and genuineness fully developed. I try to speak, but my voice is weak, frightened in contrast to his soothing voice.
"H-he kissed me," I look down at my hands as soon as the words slip out of my mouth. Jake immediately stops talking, the line becoming dead silent. I'm not prepared. I do not know what's going to happen. I can't even look at the screen... I do not know what is going through his mind, but he has the right to a furious - to be angered with me now.
It is quiet for minutes, seconds going by without any words spoken. I feel my lips quiver, trying to explain, but I do not want to go any further with what I just said. I check the time, seeing that right minutes have gone by with him still there on the computer screen, still silent.
As I am about to take a breath and speak, his voice echoes on Skype, "I - I'm not okay with that," his voice is shaky. I feel tears building up in my eyes, fearful of what he may say like the last time we fought. "God - damn it," he sighs out in a frustrated manner, and through the computer, I see him pull at his hair. "I'm sorry," I say, "I -"
"But," he pauses for a second, silencing me, "I'm not mad at you." I hold my hands together, squeezing them tightly at his confession; instead of easing the anxiety inside of me, it makes me feel worse. He's too kind to me.. I don't deserve this from him. "Lara, I'm not mad at you," he repeats, "I'm not mad."
*
Point of View: Jake Toranzo Austin
*
It's been minutes since she talked, since we both spoke, and the first thing I said was that I am not okay. Who the hell would be okay if some other man kissed your girlfriend?
But I know I can't get mad at her. I know she didn't kiss him back, well... I mean I hope she didn't. I trust her. I trust her too much to know she'd return his kiss.
"I'm not mad, Lara," I repeated this a few times already, but from her body language, I know she doesn't believe me. I realize that from the last time I got angered, this is its impact. She's fearful, not able to tell me what's frightening her at this exact moment, and I wish that I can hold her right now to tell her and promise her I'm not mad.
I'm angry. Yes. But not at her. I'm angry with this Jacob guy who decided to play a part in her life - to be her protector when I should be the one doing this. I'm irritated that he decided to be her boyfriend to protect her from Quinn, who is his cousin. I'm furious - knowing exactly Jacob's intention. He likes her. He likes her so fucking much, but Lara doesn't even realize that due to the fact she loves me. I am glad she doesn't see his effort, but my heart aches knowing one day, maybe Jacob may confess, and she'll realize that he may be right for her.
I can't tell her what's on my mind. I need to keep my calm in front of her - to be the anchor to her ship trying to escape the dock. "I swear sweetheart. I'm okay. I'm not mad at you, okay? I'm just - I'm just overcoming all these emotions inside of me."
"What emotions?" Her voice is barely audible even with my volume on high. "I -" I think of what to say - should I tell her what I am thinking, or is it too much right now, "I just miss holding you inside my arms, and I want to be there to comfort you - to tell you that I'm right next to you, protecting you with each step you take." I exhale out, feeling some of the weight burdening my shoulders be removed. I see her smile, small but still a smile, "I don't need you physically, Jake," she looks at me through the camera, "Just knowing that I can talk to you like this makes everything seem so much better."
"I love you, Marian Lara," I can't say anything else. The emotions inside the word 'love' is so great that it makes me emphasize it loudly and clearly.
"I love you, Jake."
We speak for hours, but it seems like minutes time passing by. She falls asleep as she talks to me, and I smile as I see her rest her head against her hands on her pillow. Her lips are slightly parted, and a small snore escapes her lips. I place my device the way she has hers, right next to me as I sleep. I turn off my lights and return my bed, going inside the blanket. "I love you, baby girl, and I'll always be here for you."
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I'm so sorry for being MIA for about two months. I've been dealing with so much stuff from my relationship, work, and school. I've also had writer's block, so this is a very short chapter. I am super sorry for doing this to you guys, but I promise I'll try to update like before.
I love you all so so much! Please keep reading!
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