If I had to choose only one season to look at for the rest of my life—spring, summer, autumn, and winter—or, looking into Lisa's eyes, I would choose her eyes at no time.
Her eyebrows rose as she was turning, probably got alerted when someone called her name and her eyes widened forthwith when they revealed to her who that someone was. At that time I knew I had made the right decision because I got the picture-perfect spring, the sun-kissed summer, the free-falling autumn, and the pure white winter all in one person.
"I'm so sorry!" Lisa exclaimed, shaking her head at the same time. "I didn't realise-"
I grinned to her struggle in finishing her sentence and decided not to let her explain herself further because for me she didn't have to.
"Your yakisoba" I handed the plastic container to Lisa, eyes staring at her hand that was reaching for her order.
"You shouldn't have brought it all the way here" She uttered in such a languid voice, making all the desires I had towards her feel like they were combusting one by one.
She's so adorable!
Smiling, I continued the small chat we were having as my eyes remained down.
"It's just a few meters away, detective"
"I'm sorry, but you don't have to call me that"
"Why not?"
"It's too formal?" Lisa answered. "Besides, I come here for food. It's not like I'm investigating something"
"I see," I nodded, still avoiding the eye contact. "But you have your badge on, detective"
I saw Lisa's fingers taking off her badge, shoving it into her pocket and they came out with a 10-pound note right after.
"Keep the change," Lisa said, handing the money to me. "You know, for walking up here and delivering the food"
I appreciated her effort in apologising, but I didn't think walking away from my stall while she was supposed to wait nearby was a big deal. Well, it was Lisa anyway, she wasn't just a customer to me. I could deliver the food straight to her house if she wanted me to. So, I rejected the money politely, still keeping the same smile on my face.
"That's fine, miss. My treat" I said, turning around and leaving the spot when I remembered my promise to Natalie earlier. I had to return to the stall and help my best friend closing it down.
But Lisa's voice and her footsteps tried to stop me, torturing my emotions with the shyness that I wasn't sure how long I could bear.
"No, no please. I feel bad about this, please take the money"
"Don't be, you are our regular customer anyway" I still disagreed as I continued my walk slowly. "You can pay for the next one"
"Okay, if that's so," Lisa sounded like she accepted my offer. "Can we hang out for exchange? I mean-" She stuttered all of the sudden. "I want to hang out with you, whenever you are free?"
My eyes crawled to hers this time when the urge had reached its peak, giving me a new kind of surprise when I heard what she just said. The robust pounding of my heart gave me the feeling of falling in love again, driving me clueless and anxious about how to react.
My smile was the only thing I could offer to Lisa for the time being, feeling how my hands began to shake in this nervousness she caused me.
"I'll think about it," I said, forcing my feet even harder to take me away from the situation and distracting my mind with the closing time of my stall.
"But, Miss Richards?" Lisa's enchanting way of talking managed to stop me again. "Can I please have your phone number? If you don't mind?" She asked for another thing that almost made me faint. "It's easier to discuss our hang-out plan later"
"I'll think about that too," I finally could bid her goodbye when I didn't feel good anymore, having a hard time to smile at her, still. "Have a great night ahead, detective"
"You too. Have a great night,"
That was the last thing I heard from Lisa, considering she was no longer stopping me nor following my steps. Even though her voice faded away, separated by the distance I placed as if we were in two different worlds that spun on the same axis of geocentric poles, it remained as the closest part of her that I could keep. I brought it home with me in every step I took as I was leaving her behind, and so did the tears in my eyes.
◾◾◾
"Take care, Chae," Natalie said as I parted the short hug I shared with her. "And call me for anything. I've got the feeling that it's going to be busy today"
Tapping her arm slightly, I laughed a little.
"It's your day off. Stop worrying about me" I walked out of the noise inside the restaurant, stopping in front of it and being introduced to another clamour in the street. "But I'll call you if it's getting out of hand"
"Keep calling me until I answer, I might be sleeping"
"Or make sure your phone isn't on silent" I teased since that happened before.
"Of course!" She responded with her kind of mirth towards unfortunate things she caused me. "Also, thank you for the decent breakfast. It's been a long time since I had one"
I flashed her a smile.
"You should treat yourself more often" I suggested, ready to leave for work. "Take care too"
"Good luck!" She shouted slightly to dismiss the space between us.
"Happy birthday, Nat!"
Looking at the watch around my wrist, I sped up my walk when the hour hand was close to the number 10. I knew I was already late since I still had to take the tube to Camden Town, and the journey time was at least 15 minutes from here. But I didn't want to rush either, stopping at a convenience store to buy water and mint gum, and heading to Paddington Station right away.
Even though I wasn't familiar with this area and felt like I would never belong here, it was nice to walk and look around the neighbourhoods. The terraced houses were mostly painted in white, giving a classic London vibe and screaming expensive from the outside. I wondered how good it must be to have money and afford to live in this place. Despite the better environment in here compared to my place, I still didn't like the busyness that came with it. Paddington was packed with people, especially the ones who walked with their luggage, most likely coming from or to Heathrow airport. And the road to the underground station was even worse.
But among this sea of people, my eyes were able to catch a familiar figure that was standing in the midst of chaos. I slowed down my pace, starting to doubt the approach I was about to make. There was no way I could be right on this, considering that I couldn't see the face of the person I was taking steps to. But I always had this nervousness whenever I saw her, and the beating of my heart was telling me how accurate my intuition was. Besides, nobody else had that kind of look from this angle.
It was definitely Lisa. Her back was the most attractive.
"Detective Isaac?" I announced my hello when I reached her spot and she spun right away, exposing her full mouth that I didn't expect to see.
"Mffff riiimmmddffff?!" She exclaimed with the shock in her eyes, and she forced herself to swallow the food she was having while talking at the same time.
"I'm sorry!" I laughed no matter how hard I tried not to. "I didn't know you are eating"
I had met her countless times before. Each one of them gave me the same charming aura in different degrees of intensity. But this time, it felt like I was seeing a different side of Lisa Isaac; clumsy and dorky that I had never seen before in my girlfriend. At that moment I realised how lucky I was, to happen to be here and bump into someone who was always in thoughts.
"Do you need some water?" I offered a bottle of mineral water that I bought earlier when Lisa started coughing. "I haven't drank it yet"
I knew she was so particular on hygiene matters but I felt so bad, looking at how desperate she was in getting her mouth cleared. She could have enjoyed her food if it wasn't for me, so I pushed the hesitance away and gave her my water, just like how she used to offer me hers when we first met in this universe.
When Lisa nodded, which added to my surprise actually, I opened the cap before handing the water bottle to her. As much as I pitied Lisa, I just couldn't handle the temptation to smile at how adorable she was right now. Her cuteness weighed my chest, my jaw, and my entire face until I surrendered. If this is how happiness feels like, I would keep smiling for the rest of my life.
"Thank you, Miss Richards" Lisa said after she took the drink, looking much better and relieved from the torture.
Grinning, I responded to the conversation we finally had. "Just Chae, please"
"Just Lisa for me then, is that okay with you?"
"Actually, I'm already used to calling you Detective Isaac"
"I can tell," Lisa chuckled. "Because you still do that even though I'm not wearing my badge right now"
I replied with a shy laugh first before using words.
"Anyway," I directed the topic to a different path. "What are you doing in this area if I may ask?"
And she gave me her usual, charming smile that I never got bored of seeing.
"I live here"
"Oh really?!" I gasped. "What a nice area to live in, Lisa"
I thought about the idea of living in Paddington minutes ago when I was heading to this station. But knowing that Lisa actually stayed here, presumably chose this second option while my girlfriend picked the first one in Hammersmith, gave me a clearer picture of how different their personality and personal preferences were.
"It is until you have tons of tourists step on your shoes" Lisa let out her small laughter, calling for mine to go out as well. "What are you doing in my area, Chae, if I may ask?"
I wished the time stopped. I wished this moment that we were having together, lasted. It was because there was something intriguing in the way her eyes looked at me. They were so dreamy to stare at, pulling me deep into a daydream that I hoped wouldn't get ended by the sunset. This wasn't the first time I got lost in her expressive, sparkling eyes. I certainly had experienced this before but it seemed like I wasn't used to it yet since I kept on falling into the same colourful hollow.
"I just came back from celebrating Natalie's birthday, we had it here" I uttered when my thoughts left the lonely void in my mind. "You know Natalie, right?"
Lisa scoffed playfully.
"Of course I do" Her smile gone wider, making her simple words sounded like somethings that were so beautiful. "Could you please send my best regards to her?"
"Sure I will"
I replied that smile with mine, hoping it was enough to convey how much I appreciated her charm. She might be clueless of what was happening to me at that time, or basically whenever I saw her in front of me. She might not know how much her small, gentle, and soft gestures meant to me, they meant more than the world I came from and this universe I was in combined. But I would try to show it to her as best as I could, so she wouldn't feel like doing any of these for nothing. Everything she did, everything she put the effort on, would never be done in vain.
Because now she has someone who can't live a day without them.
"So," Lisa cleared her throat. "Since I took your water, let's have some coffee?"
This time it was me who was taken aback by the approach that I didn't see coming at all. Lisa made me speechless as if her lips were lingering on mine again. Kissing her used to put me in silence; a kind of serenity that I enjoyed going to sleep with. Even though I felt the indifference in the way my Lisa kissed me, tasting her lips was enough for me, at least.
But this Lisa, she caught my tongue with only her words like she really wanted it.
"Lisa, I'm-"
"Or tea?" She tried again.
"I need to go some-"
"Bubble tea? Hot chocolate?" Lisa's cheerful face was slowly changing as she spoke, which stabbed my heart with the possibility of me letting her down. "Iced latte? Green tea?"
"Lisa-"
"Anything? Please?" Her plea made me feel bad and it could only be fixed if I said yes to her. "Anything you want to drink..."
Sighing, I disappointed her despite the unwillingness that rented my heart.
"Maybe next time?" I said one of the hardest things to be said. "I'm sorry, Lisa, but I really need to go somewhere"
That somewhere was work. I had to go to work and open the stall. Besides, I was already late in the first place. If only today was my day off, I would certainly go out with her and have more than just a drink if she asked me. But maybe time wasn't on our sides, no matter how hard we chased for it.
It wasn't ours.
"That's alright," Lisa attempted to smile again but it didn't look the same as before, which sent a different kind of pain in my chest. "I guess I will see you around?"
"Of course. Bye Lisa"
I didn't even want to spend another second, standing there in front of Lisa and witnessing the disappointment on her face. I had never felt this bad before and when I saw her forced smile, it was so heartbreaking to the point that I wished I didn't own a heart to feel it.
So I left her behind, again, also fighting with the urge to look back just to see if she was alright. And I was surprised to see Lisa still standing there, eyes following my steps.
"Take care, Chae!"
She yelled, smiling as she waved at me. I chuckled in the sadness I was feeling before I continued my walk, catching the tube that would take me back to where I belonged; not in Paddington.
I should have been happy because Lisa, the woman of my dream, asked me out like she meant it. She sounded like she was in need of knowing me more than just someone she bought food from, and I was supposed to be glad about that. I knew how it felt to beg, to crave for attention from the Lisa I lost. It took me almost a year until she finally agreed to date me, and I was afraid to mention the trauma and the scars those struggles had caused me.
This Detective Isaac, on the other hand, was a sweet-taste reminder for myself that I deserved to be with her.
I deserve her.
But I turned her down.
#8YearsWithRosé ❤