The first time Lavinia encountered the Marauders in the new year, she threw herself into the affair with a sort of wild joy. This much at least had not changed. This much was normal. Sure, the rest of her life was falling apart, but at least she could have this one constant. Even if the constant was bickering with four boys she despised on principle.
It was a true fall day, with a soft breeze tugging yellow and red leaves from the branches of the trees. Lavinia had been in the library, at a table in the corner she seemed to have taken up semi-permanent residence at. Severus and Eloise had been with her, all three of them spurred into early studying by the frankly dire warnings of their professors. Lavinia, of course, had been studying at some level the entire summer, under her mother's watchful eye, but she hadn't told either of her companions that. It would stress Eloise out and Severus would never let her hear the end of it.
All three of them left the library in something of a hurry, having realized that dinner would be ending in less than half an hour. Lavinia, who had skipped out on lunch to do a portion of her Ancient Runes homework, and to avoid Alexandra, had hardly realized how hungry she was until she stood atop the last flight of stairs down to the entrance hall, firmly within range of the tantalizing smells drifting from the Great Hall.
"Sweet Morgana," she muttered, reveling in the smell of something vaguely curry-ish. She would kill for a proper Masala right now.
"So kind of you to say, but I'm not actually Morgana," said a sarcastic voice from the bottom of the staircase.
Lavinia's gaze swept down, utterly unsurprised to find Potter smirking up at her, his posse of Gryffindor boys right behind. She took a handful of steps down the staircase, not wanting to raise her voice, and smiled sarcastically as she said, "Could've fooled me. Slightly crazy lady from the 5th century, fawning over a king of disputed legitimacy? No offense, Black."
She heard Eloise snort slightly behind her and her own smirk grew slightly.
"I'm wounded," Potter deadpanned. "Now what exactly is worthy of a 'Sweet Morgana'? I want to lay claim to it first," he added, looking around as though he thought the answer would be painted on the walls somewhere.
"Unless you can claim the air, I'm afraid you're out of luck."
"The air? Damn, Selwyn, I know Snivellus smells, but I wouldn't have thought you'd be the one pointing it out," Potter laughed as Pettigrew snickered behind him.
"Says you. I can smell your cologne from here Potter and it's putting me off my appetite. You don't really think that'll get Evans to pay attention to you?" She looked down at him, feigning pity.
"It's getting you to pay attention," he pointed out.
"Yes, because you smell like someone upended a potions experiment gone wrong over your head."
"Maybe Evans can help me fix it," he said with a half smile and almost puppy-ish excitement.
"Maybe you could shower.," she countered sardonically. "Or would it ruin your precious hair? How long did that take you anyway?"
"You're one to talk, Selwyn. You cursed us for touching your hair."
"You jinxed me when my back was turned. I hardly think that's worth bragging about. Besides I cursed Black, who had it coming." She looked over at Black, who, shockingly hadn't said a word yet. It set her on edge to have him so abnormally quiet. "Didn't your mother ever teach you it's rude to stare?" she asked him. "I mean I know I'm gorgeous, but really," she smirked, playing at a vanity she knew the Gryffindor boys would believe was real.
"You wish, Selwyn," he said at last. "I'm just surprised to see you in one piece after the way last term ended."
Lavinia felt her heart fall out of her chest and lump form in her throat and she hated herself for it. That easy. It was that bloody easy to knock her off the tightrope she'd been balancing on. That easy to push her into what felt like falling. She blinked, swallowed, forced the mask to stay in place. Forced herself not to cave. He does not get to win.
Her voice was cold and emotionless when she spoke. "You shouldn't be," she replied, descending the last few steps between her and the Marauders. "My mother loves me. Shame the same can't be said for you," she added, with a sarcastic smile, patting him condescendingly on the shoulder as she swept past and made for the dining room, not bothering to check whether Eloise and Severus were following her.
She took the first seat she found at the long table, directly in front of a steaming pot of curry. It smelled heavenly, but she found she wasn't terribly hungry now and began serving herself only because she knew it would raise eyebrows if she didn't. Only a few moments passed before Eloise and Snape settled down next to and opposite her on the benches and began piling food on their respective dishes.
"What was that all about?" asked Eloise, once she'd filled her plate.
"What was what about?" Lavinia asked, hoping for a different answer than she was sure she'd receive.
"That. Back there with Black? Why wouldn't you be in one piece?" Eloise pried, eyebrows raised.
Lavinia opened her mouth, prepared to give some watered down version of the truth, perhaps a lie about her grades, then closed it again, her mother's words coming back to her. You're a Selwyn. You don't get to have friends. Her chest seized, seemingly a common occurrence these days, and she switched tactics.
"No idea," Lavinia lied, keeping her tone light.
"But you answered," Severus countered and Lavinia's gaze snapped onto his. Didn't he know when to drop the subject?
"Obviously," she said, her tone slightly snappish. "What was I going to do, ask Black what he meant?" She gave a sharp, forced little laugh. "I'm not about to give him that particular satisfaction."
"Jeez, we were just asking," Eloise muttered resentfully.
"Well next time, mind your own business," Lavinia replied, careful to keep her tone light enough not to sound cruel, but not so much so that it would be taken for a joke. Judging by the way Eloise looked slightly put out, she'd certainly managed to avoid the latter.
Lavinia sighed, pushing her food around the plate and eating little. Her appetite was gone. She wanted to curl up in bed and ignore the world, or maybe cry herself to sleep. She wanted to snap at Black that how dare he. How dare he use her mother against her when his own was far far worse. How dare he suggest her mother would ever hurt her. It didn't matter if it was true. This was her family. She didn't tolerate people messing with her family.
"I'm going to go finish that Transfiguration essay," Lavinia said suddenly, putting her fork down and standing up. "I'll see you guys in the morning. Goodnight."
As Eloise and Severus murmured their goodnights, both looking hesitant and vaguely concerned, Lavinia felt a twist in her stomach. She felt sick with herself as she turned and walked away, her feet following the now familiar path to the library. There had been no need to be so sharp with them. Likely they hadn't even meant to pry.
But what if they had? Said the Rhea-esque part of her brain. You did the right thing.
Lavinia dropped down into her usual chair, ignoring the suspicious look from Madam Pince who no doubt remembered that she'd only left fifteen minutes ago. What did it matter if it was the right thing? It had felt awful. She felt awful. Not that she was going to apologise - she wasn't going to show weakness like that, especially not when she was on such thin ice at home. But she should make an effort, she decided. Just because Alexandra was a two-faced liar didn't mean everyone else was.
Yes. That's what this was about. Lavinia sighed as she opened her books. This was about resenting Alexandra. It had nothing to do with the building sense of self loathing she could practically feel wrapping its slimy self around her heart and soul. Nothing at all.
She settled in to do her essay, dipping her quill in ink and wishing she was better at lying to herself. Wishing she could skip back twenty minutes, or a week. Or a year. Wishing she could undo all of this and start over, do it again. Convinced she would do it better - be better - a second time around.