John reluctantly entered the room, only to see Sherlock lying back in his bed, looking as pale as ever. John's stomach dropped. What the hell was he supposed to say? A voice inside of him piped up
" Well John, why don't you ask him how he is? He had a heart attack for f***s sake!"
" His answer is obvious, Sherlock hates stupid questions"
" Fine, have fun with your own "brilliant" ideas for icebreakers."
The voice was gone. John couldn't think of a thing to say. Sherlock looked horrible, pale and ragged. He looked like he needed more sleep which is even scarier because he'd been sleeping for 3 days. John's eyes watered. He felt a little off balance and sat down in a chair next to the bed. He put his head in his hands.
" It's all my fault."
Sherlock's POV
This answer surprised Sherlock. He expected John to scream at him but... was he... he was crying! He wanted to comfort John but he didn't want to be pushed away.
" It is your fault John, but you have no reason to blame yourself."
John stood up, suddenly angry.
" What the hell does that even mean?!"
" It means that you're the reason I attempted suicide, but you had no fault . Do not blame yourself."
John slumped back down.
" You're an idiot, you know that right?"
Sherlock sighed, exasperated.
" John, I don't like repeating myself, especially when it comes to my recent idiocy. You read the letter, you can figure it out."
" How are you feeling?"
" Honestly?"
"Yes."
" Terrible."
John stood up. He walked over to the morphine tubes, there was nothing running through them.
" Sherlock, did you turn the morphine off?"
" Yes. Don't touch it."
" ...why?"
"Pain serves as a good distraction."
"From?"
"You."
...
" How could you assume that I didn't...return...your feelings if you never asked?"
Oh here we go. Time for sentiment. Sherlock knew this was coming.
" I observed."
" Well you were wrong."
" I...you..." Sherlock's face blushed pink.
"Yes."
"Oh."
They sat in this strange silence, Sherlock's face sheepishly turned away.
" You know, it's weird... in my entire life I have never found another man attractive..."
Sherlock turned his face back and grinned.
" You find me...attractive?"
John narrowed his eyes and smirked.
" Don't act like you don't know. You use your looks to get what you want from women. Which is usually a fresh limb."
Sherlock laughed but then his face turned down a bit at the corners
" I know other people find me handsome, but I never saw what they thought was attractive."
John sighed heavily
" I can't believe you sometimes. You have lovely eyes, you must know that."
Sherlock rolled his eyes.
" Oh and cheekbones that make me look cool?"
" Shut up!"
Sherlock grinned and they both started hysterically laughing. They finally stopped, gasping for breath.
" When can we go back to Baker Street John?"
John's smile disappeared.
" Mycroft is quite furious with me, despite what you mentioned. He thought I should have kept your " drug habit" under wraps. He wants to put you in a rehab facility to help with depression. I argued back that the best medicine was getting back into the swing of things and taking you back to Baker Street was wisest. I said I could make sure you attend therapy... he said he couldn't trust me with your well being anymore. Honestly Sherlock, I wouldn't either."
" Shut up."
" It's true"
" My brother is a fool. He thinks because he is in high power, he can act like my moth-"
Sherlock's voice cracked and he stopped talking. He turned his face away.
John softly placed his hand on Sherlock's arm. Before he could speak Sherlock spit out angrily:
"Do NOT pity me John."
" Sherlock."
He slowly turned his face to face John's.
" I know how it feels to lose someone you love. The worst part is when they tell you how "sorry" they are... I have never even thought of pitying you. I mean, sure, I feel angry at myself but... I have a high respect for you."
Sherlock smiled. John thought to himself " I could get used to this"
" But, what are we going to call ourselves?"
" What are you talking about."
" Were not "just friends" anymore are we?
Sherlock sighed heavily.
" John, why do we have to be anything? We don't have to tell those fools."
" They'll notice eventually"
" They aren't like us. They might never."
" What about just in case?"
" This is so like you John."
" Just in case?"
" Fine."
Sherlock crossed his arms and pouted, causing John to laugh.
"Okay... how about...boyfriend?"
" Ugh. John, that's horrendous."
" Lover?"
" I think I vomited a little in my mouth."
" Hostage?"
Sherlock laughed. " No."
" Partner?"
" That sounds like we're married."
" And?"
" We're not getting married."
They laughed.
" Friend with Benefits?"
" Why are we doing this John? And that isn't even what this is!"
John thought for a long time.
" How about companion?"
Sherlock considered it.
" That seems the least depressing out of all of your options. Fine."
" I won't ever use it with you. "
" Good."
John scooted his chair closer to Sherlock and laid his head onto his chest.
Sherlock felt warm and content. He could have John so close to him without an excuse.
John spoke up, his words vibrating up Sherlock's spine.
" I don't want our life to change much. Just have everything the same except...well...have more of this. It's rather nice."
Sherlock smiled.
" I agree."
They stayed like this for a while, softly tousling John's hair while John listened to Sherlock's breathing as his chest rose and fell.
" I'm sorry."
Sherlock frowned.
" John, there's no reason to be sorry."
" Sherlock, If I didn't get out of work a bit earlier, then you would be dead...and I would have never been able to tell you exactly how I feel...and..."
Sherlock pulled him a bit closer, resting his chin on top of the doctor's head.
" You're such a complicated soul. You were programmed to become a dull, suberban man but somehow found yourself yearning for freedom and excitement. You gravitate towards danger. You are also extremely intelligent, which you don't take much credit for yet, you enjoy doing the dull average people past times like blogging and watching crap telly. You were also able to stay within my presence long enough to go on a wild goose chase, hunting for the cabbie. 99% of people try to avoid my presence as much as possible, but you find it interesting, even enjoyable. It takes a great deal for someone to draw me to them. You are far from average John Watson. "
John smiled.
" I love you."
Sherlock smiled and looked down at John's face.
" I will always love you."