Consciousness hit me with the strong scent of cologne and detergent. Exhaustion immediately flushed over me as I came to the realisation that my body had awoken me at six thirty like I'd trained it to for work and weekdays. This meant three and a half hours of sleep. I tried forcing myself back to sleep but it only worked for about twenty minutes and then I was up once again and unable to go back to sleep.
I pushed myself upright and brushed my hair out of my face, thankful I didn't sleep in my car because my back was hurting enough as it was. It didn't take me long to realise the smell that had woken me up was coming off the clothes I was now wearing. All oversized as the shirt Alex had lent me hung off my shoulders and the sweatpants sat secure around my hips as Alex wasn't too far off from my own size.
The first thing I remembered of the night before was hearing Alex say something along the lines of "yeah she is, isn't she?" All I could do was wonder who he was talking about and what the context of the conversation was. If only if stayed up and eavesdropped. It was eating away at me like a caterpillar to a leaf.
I found my clothes from the day before in a pile by the bed but couldn't find the effort in me to pick them up let alone put them on. Besides, Alex's clothes were far more comfortable. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I adjusted to the inside of the silent trailer and took in my surroundings.
It was scarcely furnished and lacked any taste really, I guessed they were renting them out. There was a duffle bag open on the floor where Alex must've pulled the clothes out from and a pair of shoes beside it. It looked as though Alex had barely settled in but fair enough he'd only been there a day. There was also a black guitar case propped up against a small table with a sticker of masking tape laid onto it with the words A.Turner and a crude penis drawing scribbled on in black marker.
Smiling to myself, I combed out my hair with my fingers and stood up off the bed, making it as nice as I could as it was the least I could do in return for Alex letting me use it. Having nothing else to do I decided to head on out and see if anyone else was up, grabbing my phone and trudging outside. The sun was already creeping over the horizon, bringing heat with it as I made my way to where the circle of chairs had been in hopes to find someone.
The fire was still burning now only simmering coals and embers exempt from the crackling flames present the night before. To my surprise most people were awake and making themselves breakfast or coffees and reclining around the fire. Everyone but Alex, Jamie and Katie.
"Morning," I smiled as I approached them. A chorus of "good morning"s greeted me back.
"How'd you sleep?" Matt asked me as he stirred a mug of coffee.
"Alright," I nodded, "wish I didn't wake up so early though."
"Want a coffee to wake ya up?" Matt offered.
"Yes that would be amazing," I gushed, I couldn't think of anything better. "Where can I find the mugs?"
"Just over here," Matt said and grabbed one out for me as I walked over to join him at the outdoor kitchen set up. "Al's still sleeping, I don't expect him up before ten."
"Oh really?" I chuckled as I began making myself a latte.
"He sleeps in like clockwork," Matt chuckled. "You can go find him and give him a slap on the arse if you really wanna wake him up. I'm sure he'll enjoy the gesture."
We didn't see Alex until midday and by then I'd changed out of his clothes and back into mine from the day before, getting ready to head back to LA. And even when he did finally make an appearance he looked like he hadn't slept in years.
"Ah he's finally out the cave!" Matt cheered, Nick and Jamie joined in, applauding their friend as he sauntered over.
"Fuck off," Alex chuckled tiredly, rubbing his eye with his middle finger.
"Sleep well at least?" Matt asked, handing him a cold cup of coffee he made two hours ago.
"Like a glove," Alex said and brought the coffee to his lips, completely unphased by the temperature. "How'd you hold up?" he asked me and sat down in the seat by my side.
"Great. Thank you for letting me use your bed, really," I said.
"Don't mention it," Alex smiled, his eyelids still heavy with drowsiness, "it were delightful cuddling up to Matthew all night, in't that right love?" he looked over at Matt and raised his mug.
"I'm divorcing you," Matt said.
"Oof," Alex winced and took another sip of his coffee. He turned his attention back to me, "you up for any more thrill seekin' activities today?"
"I'm actually about to head off," I said guilty.
"Aw no way," Alex deflated, "really? Fuck, I'm so sorry I wish I'd gotten up earlier I feel like a wank host."
"No no it's okay," I smiled, "I want to stay but I've got a dinner tonight so I've gotta head back soon so I can get through all the traffic."
"Fair enough," Alex nodded and fixed his hair. It was all unkempt and spiked in random areas. It was quite adorable really. "I'm really sorry I slept in."
"It's alright, I can't blame you," I said, "I could've used a nine hour sleep after last night as well."
"Did you have fun at least?" Alex asked as he walked me to my car, still cradling that mug.
"Of course I did," I said and slid my sunglasses on as the blinding light of the sun reflected off my windscreen to my face. Alex smiled and leant against the hood of my car, keeping his eyes trained on me as I went to open the drivers side door. I raised an eyebrow at him, "what?"
Alex shook his head and hid a smirk, "nothin'. Drive safe okay?"
"I'm better in a car than I am on a bike I promise," I said.
"I believe ya, I just wanna make sure ya get home safe," he said, "message me when ya do?" I nodded. "See you soon yeah?"
"Yeah definitely," I smiled and walked over to him, hugging him tight as he hugged me back with one arm as to not spill his coffee on me. "Thanks again for the invite and giving me a place to sleep."
"No worries," Alex said, his voice loud and husky by my ear, "if ya have any free time over the next week yer more than welcome to drop by. I'd be more than happy to see ya again."
"Okay," I smiled and pulled back to look at him. "See you."
"See ya," Alex smiled softly, his hand lingering ever so slightly on my arm for just a second. Only a second and it managed to twist my mind into elongating it over the next four hours.
The drive home was horribly longer than the drive there. I had nothing but my playlist to keep me company and even then it was continuously interrupted by the ding of message after message as my friends discussed the plans for our dinner tonight. I refused to check my phone so had no idea what was happening until I finally got home and by then I had over a hundred messages from the one group chat.
The first thing I did when I got back was message Alex like he'd requested. It was the only time I'd not forgotten to message someone that I'd gotten home
It had taken my friends my entire drive to pick a place to eat and then a time with half the messages being "I don't mind." The most recent being: "Orion are you still coming?" To which I responded:
"Yeah sorry, was just driving. Do I have to dress nice?"
Megan: Yes but not like crazy dressy just like nice clothes.
So I had a shower, put on a dress that bordered between casual and classy, did my makeup and all that and then by the time I was done it was time for me to leave. It was only going to be the four of us, me, Megan, Natalia and Saorise and it had no purpose other than that we felt like it. I was the last one to arrive due to trouble finding parking but none of them seemed to mind. We ordered drinks and all that boring stuff, Megan told us about this guy she was hooking up with, Saorise told us about her engagement and wedding plans, Natalia asked us about what we thought on open relationships etcetera...and then they asked me about Christian and I already knew they were going to try tell me to break up with him. Natalia hated him, Saorise put up with him for my sake and Megan said he was a pretty face but not worth getting treated like shit.
"So how are you and Christian?" Megan asked.
"We're good," I smiled, "we're fine."
"He's away at the moment isn't he?" Saorise asked.
I nodded, "yeah he's in Italy for a client, he comes back in I think it's ten days?"
"Have you talked much?" Natalia asked.
"Yeah, not every day, maybe like every three days cause I don't want him to feel suffocated," I said.
"How would he feel suffocated?" Natalia asked, her dark eyebrows meeting at the center of her forehead.
I shrugged nonchalantly, "I can be clingy I guess and I don't want to annoy him while he's busy with work."
"Oh Orion, honey, no," Megan said and put a hand on my arm.
"What?" I said, forcing a laugh and looking at each of them. They all had the same expression. Silent disappointment and pity. Shit.
"You can't think of yourself that way," Megan said. "Talking to your boyfriend isn't being clingy."
"I know," I nodded, "it's not just that it's...he just said he needed a bit of space so he could focus on work and stuff."
"Orion he's treating you like shit," Natalia said, straight up, "you're worth so much more, he's your boyfriend he should want to talk to you not tell you to leave him alone just because he has work. It takes two seconds to send a message and two minutes for a phone call."
"I know Nat," I said and looked down at my food. "But he doesn't treat me like shit, he doesn't." The only person I was convincing was myself.
"Okay Orion, I'm going to keep it real with you because I love you and I don't want to see you get hurt or walked all over," Natalia said, straightening up in her seat and refusing to break eye contact with me. "You deserve so much better than the way Christian treats you. And I know you love him but he's hurting you and I'm not trying to make you feel like shit because I know it's hard for you to see what we see. But you can't let him use you like this and hurt you over and over."
"I know," I said quietly, "he's not trying to hurt me."
"But he always blames everything on you," Natalia said, "even when it's not your fault. Every story you've told us about you guys fighting you haven't been in the wrong and he's just manipulated it so that you take all the blame and apologise when he's the one hurting you."
I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to. I didn't want to admit anything and I didn't want to defend Christian like I knew I was so close to doing because I knew deep down that Natalia was right.
"I'm only saying this because I want what's best for you, we all do," Natalia said. "I know you love him but there's a difference between rough patches and a toxic relationship."
"No guy is worth feeling like shit constantly at his cause," Megan said, "and if you want to stay with him then you need to tell him when he makes you feel like shit and hold him accountable."
"I..." I chewed on my lip and forced myself to get everything off my chest. I knew my friends were just trying to help me but nonetheless it made me feel like shit even though it wasn't their intention. "I'm just scared he doesn't love me anymore. And that if I hurt him or upset him then he's just going to leave me."
"If you telling him how you're hurt hurts him and he leaves you for it, he's not worth it," Natalia said. "If he's not going to bother listening to you and blame you for everything just dump him because he's emotionally manipulating you and he is not worth all that pain."
"I don't want to break up with him," I sighed, "I want us to work out."
"O," Natalia said softly, "if he's not putting in any effort for you or being there for you, just the bare minimum, believe me when I tell you it's not the kind of relationship you want to keep. I know it's hard but it'll be so much better for you in the future."
"Orion," Saorise said, I knew when Saorise got involved with conversations like this, shit was serious. She was that person that made jokes about everything so when she got serious, it meant real shit. I inhaled a deep breath to prepare myself and squeezed my hands in between my legs under the table. "Christian's a piece of shit. He hasn't made you happy, properly happy, in years. You've just been hurt over and over and it's the hardest thing to watch because you're worth so much more than he makes you feel. Any guy would kill for you. You're fucking gorgeous, smart, funny and everything in between and you deserve someone who's gonna embrace you instead of treating you like an accessory. And I know you love him and it's your relationship but it's not healthy, you've got to speak up against him if you want it to work out and if it doesn't, you will easily be able to find someone who treats you the way you deserve and make you smile like people in a relationship should."
So many thoughts were racing in my mind. I knew she was right but I didn't want to accept that Christian was no good for me. I didn't want us to break up. I felt bound to being with him because we'd been together so long I was almost scared of thinking about life without him. I was still stuck in that loop of being in love with him that even when my best friend was telling me what I needed to hear, I found a way to push it from my mind because it wasn't what I wanted to hear.
I hated hearing that mine and Christian's relationship wasn't healthy because it cemented it into reality. And I was terrified of it. The word toxic suffocated me into denial. All because I was still in love with him. I just wanted to cry. I just wanted to go home and cry until Christian and I were back to the way we started. Where I knew for a fact he was in love with me and that he liked spending time with me and that I wasn't a burden to him or a mere annoyance. Where I could invite him over and we'd spend the night making each other laugh and kissing each other because we just couldn't get enough. Where it felt like a relationship and not two people handcuffed together.
"Look," Natalia said, noticing that I'd lost myself in my own thoughts. "We aren't telling you to straight up dump him or saying that you're stupid for staying with him. You're not. We're just saying to put your foot down and stand up for yourself when he tries to turn the blame on you. Like, don't let him put everything on you, if it's not your fault, don't apologise and hold him accountable. Don't let him manipulate you so he doesn't feel shit about himself."
I was chewing the inside of my mouth raw, I could taste blood leaking from the inner skin of my lip already. "Mhm," I said quietly and nodded as my eyes fell to my plate.
"I'm not trying to be mean O," Nat said softly.
"I know, I know," I nodded, "no, thank you for telling me what I need to hear. But um...can we...can we change the subject now?"
Natalia nodded and sat back in her seat and took a sip of her glass of wine. The table fell silent momentarily until Saorise sat up straight and did what she did best. Breaking silence.
"How was the desert?" she asked me with a smile that said, "I'm here for you okay? Let's talk about fun stuff and leave that heavy shit behind".
"It was good," I exhaled and managed a smile, "it was really fun yeah, I didn't mean to stay over the night but...yeah."
"Is this the one the Alex guy and his friends invited you to?" Natalia asked. I nodded.
"Wait a sec," Megan said, "what happened? I'm so lost?"
"You remember Alex? The guy that kept coming to my house drunk and then I went out for drinks with his friends and threw up in front of them?" I said.
"Ohh, yep," Megan nodded.
"He invited me to join him and his friends in the desert just for a fuck around cause they're staying there a week to record," I said.
"What the hell, that sounds so fun. Do you have a photo of him?" Megan asked curiously.
"Oh yeah! You've never shown me what he looks like," Natalia said and sat forward.
"Um...yeah? Okay?" I laughed and took out my phone, searching through photos we took yesterday for one to show them only to realise I didn't really have any proper photos of him. Nor any of his friends. So, regrettably, I searched him up on the internet and showed them the first photo that came up.
"Oh my god he's so cute," Natalia immediately said, her blue eyes growing wide as she stared down the screen of my phone. "Orion you're kidding me. You two are just friends?"
I nodded cluelessly, "yeah."
"Jesus lord, I mean if you don't want him I'm more than happy to take him off your hands," Natalia said. "He's adorable. My god his jawline." She began zooming in and out of the picture before Megan snatched my phone from her and inspected it herself. It felt kind of weird showing them a photo of Alex, especially because it was one that must've been from a photoshoot. It felt detaching from the guy I knew.
"Holy f—Orion," Megan said and almost choked on her water. The way she said my name laugh. Each syllable sharp and quick like a bouncing rabbit. "He's hot as fuck. You're kidding this is him?"
"Yeah," I chuckled awkwardly.
"What is he famous?" Megan asked, clicking out of the picture and scrolling through the Google images of him. I'd never actually gone through those pictures so I had no idea what she was going to come across.
"He's in a band," I said casually.
"He is fucking hot Orion," Megan said. "I'm calling bullshit if you haven't thought about getting with him."
"Megan!" Saorise exclaimed with a laugh she tried to hide from me.
I quickly shook my head, "I haven't."
"Yeah I'm sure honey, and neither have I in the last three seconds," Megan said sarcastically, handing Natalia back the phone as she continued to look at all these pictures of Alex. It felt like I was invading his privacy. "I mean...I still think Christian is hotter but that's only cause I'm into dirty blondes, but that Alex guy doesn't treat you like shit so he immediately goes up to the top."
"Very funny," I said and shook my head, "he's just a friend. Nothing more."
I had so many things running through my mind as I drove home. Everyone's words about Christian dominating every thought that entered my muddled mind. I knew I didn't want to break up with him but I knew they were right when they said I had to start standing up for myself if I wanted Christian and I to see eye to eye. And if he loved me he would listen to me and we could fix all the broken and crumbling parts about us. And if he didn't love me...well then shit.