*April 28, 2014*
Joe
I woke up and I remembered what happened. Nick told me Demi was gone and that she died in the crash. I couldn't exactly wrap my head around it and I didn't want to accept the fact that she was gone. But she was. How could she have died? She's left me on this earth alone. I didn't know what to do or how to feel. It's as if someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. Every part of me felt drained and an emptiness was built up inside of me. It felt as if a piece of me was missing. A piece I would never get back and piece I could never repair to make things back the way they were before. It's almost as if a part of me died. I didn't know how to feel and I'm not sure if I wanted to. My mother saw I was awake and came up to me.
"Are you okay Joe?" She wove her fingers into my hair. That touch I would never feel from Demi again. I would never see her face, her eyes, herself ever again. I would never feel her lips on mine again. I would never feel her hugs or the warmth of her body when she was next to me ever again. I would never hear her laughs or see her cries again.
"No. How did Demi die mom? She's suppose to be here with me. This isn't fair." She gave me a tissue and put her hands on my cheeks to wipe those tears away.
"I'm not sure Joe. The reports have said she died after the crash happened. They said that she was braindead after the crash happened. There was nothing you could've done to stop it. She was in such bad condition and when I saw the car I knew there was no way she could've made it. I didn't even know if you were gonna make it." She wipes her own tears. "But Joe, I know this isn't fair. And I know losing someone you love so much is difficult but it's going to be okay. I know you loved her very much and I can promise you that she's probably looking down at you right now."
"She was suppose to be here with me. She wasn't suppose to die. Not yet anyways. This isn't fair she's suppose to live mom!" I cried again as she held me softly.
"I know Joe. But maybe God had other plans for her." She told me. I couldn't help but to cry more. When my mom told me the date it only made me more sad and upset. It was April 28th. Today would've been one year. One year spent together. And we could've spend more. Today she was suppose to be in NYU getting ready for school. She was suppose to go to college. She was suppose to pursue her dreams of being a musician and singer. Her voice could've helped others. Her songs could've helped others. She was suppose to live just like how I am right now. She was suppose to make it out of that car accident alive just like how I am right now.
"Mom I love her. And I miss her." She nodded and cried with me.
"I miss her too sweetie. She felt like one of my own." After a while most of my family left and it was just me and Nick again.
"Nick.." I called out for him after a long moment of silence. He looked up and came to me.
"Yeah Joe?" He said. He seemed calmer now then he was when we fought.
"How did Demi die? Why didn't she live?" I asked him questions that seemed impossible to answer.
"She didn't have a seatbelt on." I furrowed my eyebrows. I was starting to remember what happened.
"What do you mean she didn't have a seatbelt on. She was buckled before we left." I reassured Nick hoping he got his information wrong.
"No. When they found her she didn't have a seatbelt on. That's how she died." Nick said sounding positive. I could've swore she had her seatbelt on. The memories of that night then came rushing back.
I put one of my hands on Demi's thigh again and inched it up.
"Joe come on." She slightly bit her lip.
''I can't help it if your dress teaes me like that." I inched my hand up more to where the buckle of the seatbelt was. My hand was resting by the red push button of the buckle. I ran one of my fingers to her core as the rest of my fingers massaged her thigh.
"Joe.." She let out a moan as she said my name. I wanted her to do it again. I averted my eyes to her and did it again. We both got lost in the moment.
"JOE!" As I looked up and stared at the road. A giant semi truck was going full force I moved my hand and unbuckled her seat belt. I tried grabbing onto the wheel and tried to swerve but it was too late.
"Oh my god. No. Nononono. Oh my god no" Nick looked up confused.
"What?" He asked me.
"I killed her." I said lowly.
"What?" He asked again.
"I killed her Nick. I unbuckled her seatbelt on accident. I guess we were fooling around and the next thing that happens is that she screams and when I put my hand back on the wheel I must've unbuckled her seat belt.." I couldn't believe the words coming out of my own mouth right now. This can't possibly be right.
"You killed her?" He looked up at me with sadness and a bit of anger in his eyes. "You fucking killed her?!" He rose his voice. I flinched a little.
"I didn't mean to Nick." He got up from the chair and put his hands on my shoulders.
"You fucking killed her Joe! You took her life away because you got careless and decided to fool around with her instead of focusing and putting your hands on the damn wheel! How could you fucking do this?! You're an idiot Joe!" He screamed in my face making me flinch especially with the words he said to me. "I didn't even get to say goodbye! That's why I was so mad at you. But I tried to be nice about it. Now I have every right to be mad at you because you took her fucking life away. I can't believe you Joe!! Her family is out there crying right now because they just lost their daughter that they will never see again. They probably won't even be able to sleep at night now knowing that someone they trusted killed their own daughter" The words he said stung me a little but I deserved it.
"I didn't mean to kill her Nick. And you can't tell her family that" I told him.
"And why can't I? Don't you think they deserve to know how their daughter died?!" He yelled while shaking my shoulders. Just then my parents came into the room and my dad and Kevin tried prying Nick away from me.
"What's going on here?" My mother exclamied.
"Joe killed Demi! He and her were fooling around and he unbuckled her seat belt before they crashed." Nick said through anger in his voice. I've never seen him so mad and upset.
"It was an accident, Nick! I didn't mean to kill her. You know I would never intend to kill her. I didn't even want her dead so stop yelling at me!'' I nearly shouted my mother came towards me and took a deep breath with sadness in her eyes. Nick left the room and slammed the door behind him. I knew he would never want to talk to me again and I could understand why.
"Joe is this true?" My mother asked me.
"Yes." I sobbed into her again she held me tightly. I couldn't believe I would end up killing the one I loved. I would never believe I would end up hurting or killing the one I loved. But now I just broke a promise I intended to keep with me forever. I broke the promise of hurting her.
A few hours later when the nurse came back in she said I was free to go. Every time I looked at Nick he wouldn't even make eye contact with me. I wonder if he told Demi's family yet. I changed into some clean clothes my mom brought for me and left the room. When I went out the door I saw Demi's family sitting on the chairs. They looked restless too. They looked just like my family did. They looked as if they haven't slept for days and haven't moved from those chairs in days. I slowly wheeled myself over there in my wheelchair with my parents behind me. When I was close to them they all averted their eyes to me. Eddie glared at me and I have never seen so much hatred in that man's eyes as he did then. His eyes were not only filled with hatred but with tears just like the rest of the family.
"You killed my daughter?!" He asked me harshly. I was scared for my life right now.
"Sir, I didn't mean to.. it- it was an accident. I'm so sorry." My voice shook when I spoke to him.
"Sorry? You're sorry? Sorry isn't gonna bring her back now is it!" He barked at me and glared down at me. He was much taller and with me in this wheelchair I was a lot shorter.
"An accident. You think it was an accident how you decided to be a stupid hormonal teenage boy and put your hands on my daughter like that while you were driving? Did you not see the possible consequences for your actions? How could you be so careless and hurt her like that?! How could you kill my daughter?!" Eddie barked his words at me as he was starting to cry.
"Eddie that's enough. He's already dealing with enough." Dianna said to him in a stern voice.
"No Dianna I'm not done." Eddie said through clenched teeth and shook both Dianna and Dallas off.
"How could you Joe?" He said trying to calm himself down.
"It was never my intention to kill her. I know I will be haunted by these memories for the rest of my life. I didn't mean to kill her because I loved her just as much as the rest of you." I choked out through sobs. I didn't even know if my words were audible right now.
"I know sorry won't bring her back and I know I was being careless and stupid. I just came to possibly see your daughter one more time." I let out. Truthfully I didn't know if I was ready to see Demi yet.
"What makes you think you could see our daughter after everything you've done to her? You took her life away Joe." Eddie said.
"Mr. DeLaGarza please." I begged him. Dianna then gave me the best smile she could.
"Go on in Joe." I wheeled myself in and Dallas helped me open the door. What I saw in that room wasn't Demi. It didn't even look like her. Her head was bashed and her face was filled with cuts. The sides of her face, arms, and legs were filled with purplish blue bruises. Her bottom lip was cut open. Her eyes were closed and she looked peaceful. It seemed as if she wasn't suffering anymore. I knew that if she lived she would be constantly fighting. But now she looked peaceful. I couldn't help but to cry. I held onto her hand and looked at the Cartier bracelet that was still on wrist. I smiled slightly at that.
"Did you give that to her?" Dallas spoke softly. I brushed my fingers through her soft hair.
"Yes. I did." I looked at her face and touched it once more. Her hands and face were cold. Her hair feels dry.
"It's beautiful." She said looking at her sister. "She seems peaceful. I hope she's up there looking down at us and watching over us." She said.
"She probably is. I sat there looking at her again. This would be the last time I would ever touch Demi. But the touch didn't feel right. It felt lifeless and cold. It felt as if this was just an empty shell of her body.
"I love you Demi. Please don't ever forget that." I cried onto her body as I couldn't handle it anymore. "I'm sorry." I sobbed out. I leaned into her lips and kissed them lightly before I pulled away. It didn't feel right and I was ready to go. I turned around and wheeled myself to the door before Dallas stopped me.
"We found this in her bag it's for you." She handed me the envelope with my name on it and a small box that was probably my gift. I put it on the side of my seat.
"Thanks." She opens up the door for me as I wheel myself out. I knew things were never gonna be the same again between me and Demi's family.
When I got home, it was hard to adjust and move around especially with a wheel chair. It was a pain in the ass most of the time. When I was lying down on my bed I thought to myself. Why did Demi have to go? Why didn't I die instead? I was the one being careless. Me killing the one I loved is gonna haunt me now for the rest of my life. The guilt of it will kill me slowly for the rest of my life. It's a vision I keep playing over and over again in my head. It's a moment I can't forget and probably never will. Maybe I was still here so I can suffer from all of this. I slowly opened up her gift first and saw a silver Rolex watch. It was very nice and probably really expensive as well. I opened up her card and started to read it.
Joe,
Happy one year anniversary! Wow one year of being with you sure goes by fast. I wish we could stop time and stop it from going this fast. This past year spent with you was probably the happiest i've ever been. You've brought me so much happiness and joy into my life. Before I met you I was dealing with so much stuff and I really thought it wouldn't get better. But then you came in my life and you taught me to love myself and to stop my habits. Since i've met you, I began to eat again and I stopped my self harm. I hope I can keep it that way for as long as I can. I can honestly say that you make me feel beautiful and worthy of life each and every day. When I feel down or want to relapse I think of you encouraging me to keep going and to not give up because I can win this fight. We've had so many ups and downs but each one has taught us a lesson to only keep going and to keep fighting for one another. I know we'd never break apart and nothng can break us apart. Even when I go to NYU I want you to remember that I love you and I wish I could be there for you and be your side at school for when you miss me. I know i'll miss you. After college, I hope we can spend the rest of our lives together and I could pursue my music dream. I hope you'd still be interested in music. I will always cherish the memories you have brought into my life. I bought you this watch because with all the minutes and all the seconds next in the world, I want to spend them with you. Each and every single one of them with you. I hope you remember the promises you made to me and I hope you still keep them. I love you Joe. It's you and me together forever.
Love Demi
I couldn't help but to cry the whole way through. As I was reading the letter, it was as if there was an urging feeling in the pit of my stomach I don't know what it was but hopefully I know what caused it. I put the watch on me and looked down at it. It's something I want to wear forever to remember her by. I hope she knows that even if she's gone I'm still going to keep those promises. I'm still going to love her and care for her even if she's not with me on earth anymore.