With the help of the directions she'd received from the tired man she'd bumped into, Himari was finally able to find her way back to Recovery Girl's office, where she picked up her suitcase and informed Chiyo that she was good to go.
On the way to what would be Himari's new home on the campus, their conversation mainly centred around Himari's meeting with the principal.
The U.A.'s nurse remained mute, attentively listening to the woman next to her, who was completely immersed in her elaboration of how this super weird and definitely not normal meeting with the principal had gone, subtly pointing out that it probably wasn't the best idea that someone like him was in charge of a school, especially a school for future heroes.
Himari was so focused on her rant about everything that seemed weird about the principal that she didn't even process her environment as they crossed the campus.
But as the elderly lady came to a sudden halt, she utilized the moment to quickly scan her surroundings. They were directly behind the school building on what seemed to be the way to the training grounds, standing in front of a well-trod pathway that led to the front yard of a small cottage, the property enclosed by a white fence. Overall, it shared a lot of similarities with the home she'd decided to leave behind.
Just when Himari opened her mouth with the obvious intention to ask if they'd reached their destination, Chiyo spoke up, explaining that this would be her new home.
Apparently, Nezu's plan had been to let her live in one of the empty apartments located in the school building that mainly served as accommodations for guests, but Recovery Girl had opposed this idea, suggesting to provide the woman with a little more freedom in case she really agreed to live on the campus. Something like this would be better suited for the woman. It could turn into a safe space for her. A space to retreat to. It was specifically built for her with the intent to make her feel as comfortable as possible in this entirely new environment.
Tearing up at the thought that two strangers had been willing to build a house for her only to make her more comfortable, Himari showered Recovery Girl with expressions of gratitude, not able to find the right words for the overwhelming warm feeling that was washing over her like a wave.
With a soft smile, Chiyo ensured the brunette that it was the least they could do for her and urged her to enter her new home, ready to give her an exclusive room tour, which was something she'd been looking forward to since Himari had declared that she agreed to live here.
The senior heroine blissfully noticed that something that resembled a glint of delight appeared in Himari's moss-green eyes, a welcome diversion from the usual blankness that dominated them.
Before Recovery Girl decided to head home herself, the two women sat down in Himari's brand-new kitchen, enjoying a cup of tea while chatting about this and that.
Chiyo handed her protégée the number of a moving company, just in case she wanted some of her old furniture from home as well as a new phone with the most important numbers on it, which Himari was incredibly thankful for.
Yet, there was something else that plagued Chiyo's mind. For a while, she quarrelled with herself but concluded that the perfect moment to address this topic was probably non-existent. Knowing that this was nothing to lighten the mood, Chiyo told Himari about the cemetery where she'd find her husband's grave, recommending her to pay him a visit once she was ready for it.
After Chiyo had left, it didn't take long until the deafening silence in the house started to suffocate Himari, who tried her best to shake off this crippling loneliness that repeatedly threatened to overwhelm her by reminding herself of all the good things that had happened today.
She turned on some music with her new phone and began to unpack her suitcase, taking some time to thoroughly explore every corner of her new home. To calm her uneasiness, the brunette even started to dance through the empty house in an attempt to distract herself, singing along with whatever was playing.
But no matter how much fun it was for a moment, it only remained a moment. A snapshot in time. A short break from the disheartening surreality she seemed to be a prisoner of.
Later that night as she cuddled herself into her bed, the heart-wrenching feeling and that sickening sensation in the pit of her stomach returned.
She was alone in that hilariously enormous bed.
All by herself.
And as soon as she closed her eyes, the nightmares came back, not allowing her to catch a break.
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Although it was the last thing Himari had expected, she realized that there was indeed something from their former home, from her former home, she'd love to have here.
Fading out the anxiousness that was a permanent guest within her by now, she decided to call the moving company whose number Recovery Girl had bestowed her with, organizing the transport of her late husband's old piano.
Her piano skills were basically non-existent, but she was able to decently play a few pieces since Kaito's stubbornness hadn't allowed him to surrender his hopeless endeavour to teach her.
She assumed that it would be soothing and provide her with some inner peace to have something here that reminded her of Kai, almost as if a teeny tiny part of him was in it, sitting there in the corner of her living room.
Himari spent the rest of her weekend getting all comfy in her new place, even daring to leave her safe space to explore the campus a bit on her own.
Yet, she ended up at home sooner than expected, clueless what to do with the rest of her time. She read some of the books that had already been there since she first got here, watched TV and ordered some pizza, but none of these activities kept her mind occupied, resulting in her repeatedly falling back into mope-mode.
To prevent herself from constantly falling victim to her mind, she carefully planned out a daily routine to keep herself busy as much as possible, which was stuffed from tasks and activities from dusk till dawn.
The brunette considered that it might not be the worst idea to pick up her former training routine again. She might not be a hero anymore, but she would be teaching at a hero school. The former heroine deduced that it wouldn't hurt to stay fit, which resulted in her adding daily morning runs and basic combat training to her already crammed schedule.
Yet, there was something else that was permanently buzzing around in the back of her head.
Now that she knew where she could find Kaito's grave, she was awfully conflicted. One the one hand, it was the obvious right thing to do, but then again, the thought alone of visiting his grave was already sickening.
After a day of indecisive back and forth, she scolded herself for her uncharacteristic and pathetic behaviour and decided to modify the route of her morning run to include a pit stop at the cemetery, knowing that she had to get over and done with it sooner or later.
In this case, sooner was better than later.
Sunday morning, Himari forced herself out of bed wickedly early, and after finishing her morning routine, which included chugging down an entire pot of coffee in one go, she headed outside where she started to stretch.
The run was unexpectedly straining for her, making it painfully obvious how much of her stamina she'd lost during her month-long stay at the hospital.
As she finally reached the entrance of the small cemetery, she sounded like she was about to suffer from a severe attack of asthma, propping herself up at the metallic gate to let her body calm down from the strenuous exercise.
Holy shit. I sound like a 90-year-old. That's embarrassing. Shame on me.
A few minutes later, when her heartbeat had finally managed to calm down, not forcefully hammering against her chest anymore, she wiped the sweat from her face before she entered the small area of the cemetery, which was situated on a hill with a perfect view of the city.
Not daring to make a sound at this serene yet chilling place, the widow wandered through the rows, her eyes carefully scanning the headstones for the name she was looking for, even though she'd rather not find it there.
When she ultimately read the name she'd been trying to find, it felt like someone used her heart as a pincushion, and the warmth gradually left her body as she stared right through the onyx headstone in front of her.
In loving memory of
Kaito Ishihara
Beloved husband
Without warning her knees buckled underneath her, and a tsunami of emotions washed over her, forcing her onto her knees in front of the grave.
Himari cried mutely, prohibiting herself to make a sound, her eyes never leaving the name on the stone, even though her vision increasingly blurred.
It took her an hour.
An hour of crying. An hour of undisturbed grieving. An hour that made her realize that everything was real, and she wasn't just suffering from an extremely horrendous nightmare. An hour to accept that this was reality. An hour to accept that this would be her life from now on. An hour until the waterfall rushing down her cheeks stopped flowing. An entire hour until she managed to regain her composure.
Rubbing her face to get rid of any leftover tears, Himari let out a disheartened sigh, her eyes still focused on the onyx headstone, not daring to leave it out of sight.
...
What now, Chiyo? I'm here, but what now? Should I...talk to a damn stone? This is a fucked-up joke. As if talking to a freaking stone would help me somehow.
Her train of thoughts was followed by a heated mental discussion with herself about the possible benefits of Chiyo's suggestion to let go of whatever was weighing on her mind at the grave, but the brunette highly doubted that something like this could be beneficial, even considering that other visitors at the cemetery might think she was a lunatic if they'd spot her talking to a stone.
Yet, Himari had to admit that she'd reached a point in her life where she'd already lost everything important to her. What was the worst that could happen? That it didn't work? That she'd lose her dignity? There was nothing more to lose, leading her to the conclusion that it might be worth to give it a shot, no matter how hilarious it sounded.
Hesitantly, her hand reached out, softly touching the cold, dark stone that was bearing Kaito's name on it.
"Uhm, hey, you big dork. It's nice to see you...again. It's been...like forever since the last time", she mumbled, barely audible, swallowing down a stop that desperately wanted to escape her throat while her hand gently caressed the stone.
Wow. This is just stupid. What am I even waiting for? A reply? This is bullshit.
"Kai, I'm not exactly good with this...whatever this is. I've never done this before, and I've never ever expected that I'd do something like this. So, apologies in advance."
Despite a few stray tears running down her cheeks, she wasn't aware of, she couldn't help but let out a low chuckle because of the absurdity of the situation at hand.
"Honestly? I'm a bit...overwhelmed. Well, that's the sugarcoated version. I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know what I should do without you. It feels like a big part of me is missing, and that in return makes me feel incredibly uneasy all the time."
Forcing herself to pause again to gulp down another sob, she remained quiet for a few seconds before she continued in a faint whisper, "Actually, there is something I'd like to tell you, Kai. Something unexpected happened, and you'll never guess what. I'll be working as a fucking teacher. Can you imagine that? I bet not. If-...if you were here, you'd probably drown me in how-tos and helpful advice, advice I could really need right now, because I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing. Tomorrow, I'll meet my new colleagues at school. I don't know how to feel about all of this. I feel numb most of the time, but sometimes, there's something like nervousness, curiosity, showing through. Anyway, that's not even the tip of the iceberg. The best is yet to come. Do you know where I'll be teaching? At the fucking U.A. You know how much I've always admired this school. It's such an honour for me to be here. By the way, I'm also living on the campus right now. I-...I had to leave our home for a while...I-I'm simply not strong enough. I can't be there if you aren't there with me."
Even though the beginning was extremely difficult and weird, the words had started to flow and Himari unconsciously continued to blather, not wasting another thought about how stupid she'd thought this was.
"I-I won't lie. It's not easy. No. That's fucking bullshit. It's difficult. It's hell. A-a-and, I need to apologise for what h-happened that night. If you hadn't met me, hadn't married me, you'd still be alive. I'm so sorry for everything. I-I never meant to-...I'm sorry, Kai. I'm so fucking sorry for what I did to you. You deserved better. So much better. It's my fault. I won't ask you for forgiveness because hell, I don't deserve it. I can't even forgive myself. But...I-I love you, Kai. It's unfair that I'm here and you're not. It should be the other way around; we both know that. I love you, dork. I love you so much."
Her voice got shakier with every word that left her mouth in a soft whisper, barely audible at the end. Himari's hand was holding on to the stone, her knuckles already turning white.
She remained in that position for a bit longer until she forced herself to snap out of it and return to the painful reality.
Rising to her feet again, almost letting out a groan at her aching knees, she used the back of her hand to wipe away the tears that had returned before she removed the dirt from her trousers by patting them. Even though it seemed to be an impossible thing to do, she pressed herself to put on a brave smile.
It's for Kai.
The distraught woman inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, telling herself that maybe, even though it was indeed impossible, and she knew it, Kai was observing her right now.
Audibly clearing her throat, she stated, this time more firmly, "Thank you for coming to my TED-talk. Well, you were forced to come. Anyway. You know what? I'm going to visit you every single fucking day, whether you want it or not. You have no right to a say in that matter. You'll have to listen to everything I want to talk about, and you won't complain. This will be some crazy quality time. I mean, I love steamy sex, but talking can be hot as well, don't you think? No? However, I've got to go now, Kai. I need to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow. Love you, Kai."
Shuddering at the awkwardness of the moment, Himari pointed with finger guns at Kai's grave before she turned around and headed home, silently praying that not a single soul had seen the incredibly embarrassing shit show she'd just pulled off at a cemetery.
Fortunately, the woman didn't realize that the whole time, an elderly man had been sitting on a bench next to his wife's grave, which was only two rows behind her, watching the brunette's interaction with her husband's grave.
As soon as she'd closed the metallic gate behind her, he let out a melodramatic sigh and shook his head, trying to get this weird scene out of his head, "Oh, Yuki, my love. Youth these days. You're lucky that you just didn't have to witness that."
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When Himari arrived back home at the campus, it was almost as if a weight had been lifted off her chest.
Although she was still convinced that the entire talking with a grave thing was absolutely embarrassing, she couldn't deny that it had helped. Even if she'd only spoken to a stone, she'd felt like she'd been connected to Kai.
Reluctantly accepting that she'd been proven wrong with her assumption, she planned on including a daily visit at Kai's grave in her routine, no matter how stupid it actually was.
The rest of her Sunday, she was busy with breaking her head about tomorrow. Her schedule for Monday morning was crammed: a meeting with the U.A. staff, an appointment with the colleague whose work she'll be taking over, and an appointment with Recovery Girl in the afternoon.
On top of that, she was still haunted by how easily she seemed to get lost in that wicked maze disguised as a school building, which didn't exactly contribute to calm her already strained nerves.
To say that Himari was horrified would be an understatement.
She'd meet a bunch of new people, and naturally, she wanted to make a good first impression. She'd be working there after all.
It took her three hours of her Sunday evening, one pot of coffee, and several mental breakdowns until she settled on a half-decent outfit for tomorrow, concluding that it was probably the best to prepare as much as possible in advance to ease her nervousness.
Something else that suddenly popped up in her mind was that she'd to consider the fact that her colleagues would get to know her as boringly normal, new addition to the teaching staff. For them, she wouldn't be the former heroine Gravitas.
Also, she decided to not use her quirk at school with the exception of an emergency, assuring herself that this was rather unlikely anyway.
Duh, whatever. As if someone just attacks the U.A. or something like that.
The woman whose life had been turned upside down prepared everything she could and got herself ready for bed, grabbing her fluffy blanked and slumping herself on the couch to watch another episode of her favourite tv-series, reminding herself that she shouldn't stay up too late.
Who wants to look like a freaking zombie on their first day at work?
edited - 10.12.20