Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
I played imaginary clock sounds to pass time by. Yes, I was THAT bored. In our position, one must always thank god that he/she was still alive, but no,we were sulking, at least Taehyung and I were. We weren't doing it out loud, but I still knew that he was doing it. Imagine how it must feel to lose a brother. Not only that, but Taehyung's last memory of Jimin was him being stuck under an electricity pole, his ribs being the victim of the crushing force of the pole as gravity took its role way too seriously. I couldn't worry about myself when I knew that Taehyung was in such a miserable state . I couldn't keep on talking, because deep down, I knew that Taehyung needed this time to talk to himself, to reassure himself, to think with himself, and most importantly, to blame himself.
Blaming yourself was not good, but it was to a certain extent. I have always believed that when you blame yourself for something, it encourages you to take the next step. I mean, I would never move forward if I knew that nothing was my fault, but at that moment, I felt as though it was partially mine. I was supposed to hold onto Jimin tightly. I was supposed to support him. Instead, I let a small shake in the ground toss me into the water and carry me away with it, leaving him all injured and alone. I even took the skittles with me. He would have been lucky if he had found something else to eat or someone else to hold onto him for support. Leaving him on his own was the one thing that troubled me and for that I blamed myself, and that was why my determination to wait for Jimin for as long as it took was so strong, because I knew that it was my fault too.
The sun was setting, its view making us all yawn at the same time. Chung Ae laid down on the tree trunk he was on and stared at the sky, while Taehyung and I stared at our own reflections on the surface of the still water which was already adorned by the bright colours of the sunset. The amounts of internal pain that I felt seemed to be surfacing on my reflection, making it seem as though my reflection was crying. That pain, concealed as tears trickling down the orange reflection of mine, tricked me into seeing an injured, fragile Jimin, making my heart ache even more. The thought of him dragging his body around weakly with frequent grunts escaping his mouth was all it took for me to feel in pain all over again.
Jimin. Where are you?
I felt some tears form at the edge of my eyes the more the image played in my head. The time I had spent with Jimin wasn't much, but I sure did miss him. His presence didn't fail to make me feel better when I was at my worst. The way he always managed to smile even when he was in so much pain gave me all the strength I could've ever asked for, so his absence did make me feel weak and vulnerable.
Taehyung looked even more miserable than I did. He was blaming himself really hard and it showed through his facial expression. I could see right through him. No one had told me anything about what they had to go through together, but I could tell that Taehyung was angry at himself as though he had a fault in the fact that Jimin wasn't next to him at that moment. It was Jimin's safety that he most probably needed and that was what I used to try to make him feel better.
"We will find him," I told him, causing him to simply nod at his reflection.
"I know we will," he replied back with a faint smile, then buried his head in between his knees, most probably because he was sick of looking at himself. The sight of his body bent down in misery wasn't something I wanted to see because the more I looked at it, the more I felt a pang in my heart, and the tears that once dwelled in the pool my eyes had created kept on increasing. Because of that pang, I decided to break right through his train of thoughts and switch the railways.
"Taehyung, why don't we talk? You haven't talked much since you pulled me out from the water," I asked him and it made his head turn slowly to my direction, a faint, sad smile drawn on his face.
"What do you want to talk about?" He asked me, his voice cracking up a bit at first.
I just shrugged, wanting him to finally think of something apart from his loss.
"I thought you had a creative mind. Come up with something," I replied.
He scoffed and then looked at the view in front of him, his eyes scanning the area actively.
It seemed to me that no matter how much I try diverting his attention from Jimin, it will always end up going back to him, that was why I wanted to take the other approach. I wanted to try something that I wished someone could start with me, something that could help anyone feel better.
"It's okay. I'll start the conversation then," I said and so he nodded, turning his head to my direction. My eyes caught his and so I took that chance to think whether or not I should approach him the way I wanted.
"How did you end up here?" I asked him, my eyes completely fixated on his, trying to get a hold of how he actually felt about that question.
His sad smile died down and his head turned back to the now dimly lit sky then started talking after taking in a deep breath," You were there at the fan sign, so you know only up until we exited the hall, right?"
I nodded.
"I was with Jimin all long. Ever since we got washed away when the tsunami hit, we never left each other's sides, even when we were struggling to get out of the water. It was hard, but, we had to hold onto each other. Namjoon-" he paused and seemed like he felt suffocated at the mention of his leader. His everything. His eyes started twinkling as the moonlight found its way to them, tears threatening to fall down as he recalled the events that he had to go through.
"It's okay. You don't have to go on," I told him, not wanting him to hurt himself by speaking any further.
"Namjoon hyung swore to us that one day, he will find us. Dead or alive, he will still gather Bangtan together, even if we had to lay in the same grave. I told him we should just leave together but he didn't listen. He said it would be better if we all went in pairs. So- so I got Jimin. Namjoon hyung went with Jin hyung and Yoongi hyung. Hoseok Hyung went with Jungkook. The crew... I don't even know what they planned to do. But, it feels like I lost everyone already," he said, tears rushing down his face as he let out everything to me. It was as though he wanted to let everything out right from the beginning, but just needed someone to listen to him.
Was it okay to let him cry? Was it alright to let him sulk? Was it okay to let him let it all out on me? That was exactly what I wanted though. I wanted him to cry, to scream, and to sulk. I wanted him to talk like there was no tomorrow, so why was I reluctant? Why didn't I want him to go on? Maybe it was because I couldn't tolerate seeing him torn, but I couldn't be selfish. If breaking apart was his cure, then I had to tolerate as much amounts of pain as he did.
"Taehyung-" I said but got interrupted by him. I assumed that it meant that he was deliberately talking, so I let him be.
"When the second earthquake hit, Jimin and I panicked. The ground was shaking so hard and I was scared that I'd lose someone else. I was scared that I'd have to feel suffocated again. I held onto Jimin and started running as fast as we possibly could. The land we were on was bare, so we had no where to go. What are now rivers were once streets, and so there were some electricity poles still standing. We were met with one every kilometer or so. The ground shook so hard that, as we were running, a pole fell but Jimin was standing closer to it than I was. I could see the water coming towards us, and it was a terrifying feeling. But, the pole was already falling and I had to save Jimin, so I tried holding it, but I was too late. It was already on him. I tried raising it, and I didn't give up despite the fact that there was a strong wave of water coming in my direction. Once it hit me, I tried holding on to Jimin, but I couldn't. I was washed away, and Jimin was left stuck under this pole," He said, letting out some hiccups every now and then.
"I-" he started again, but took a bit of time for himself to cry, making my heart burst with every tear that fell and every slight scream that left his mouth," I had to think that he was already dead. You know how hard it was for me to sleep at night? It felt as though the same electricity pole that fell on him was being constantly thrown on my heart, and it only made me think of how harsh it must've been for him to have this whole weight on him for too long. If only- if only I pushed him away and took the fall myself, he wouldn't have had to stay under that pole."
"I'm- I'm a terrible friend. I'm a terrible brother. I should've held onto him no matter what!" He cried, his tone filled with utter pain and regret. I didn't even notice that I was crying too.
There was nothing I could see at that moment except for a crying Taehyung. The whole world seemed to be disappearing the more Taehyung cried, making his tears a lot more visible to me. Seeing him sit in a pool of his tears made me wish to be the one drowning in that pool and not him. I wanted to take away some of his pain, but I knew that no matter how much a tried, I would've never been able to feel it with the same intensity, with the same sincerity.
I suddenly found myself engulfing him into a hug and patting his back as our tears stained each other's shirts.
"No, don't say that. You tried to help him but you fell powerless against nature's forces. It is more than natural," I said, my throat hurting from the size of the lump that was stuck in it.
He shook his head against my shoulder.
"It's not fair. Why do we all have to suffer like that? Why do my hyungs have to go through all this? What if they are all hurt right now? What should I do just to see how they are doing?" he cried.
My heart ached again at hearing all those questions. It reminded me of all the questions and worries that I had decided to set aside, making me worry about my parents and friends all over again after putting in so much effort into forgetting.
"What should I do to go back home?" He cried even more, making my heart ache the more he reminded himself and me of the word "home", a word that I had to forget at the time for the sake of my well being.
"We all want to go back home. We all do," I whispered, but just loud enough for him to hear me.
He kept on sobbing for about five minutes continuously until his tears dried up. All the pain that had once stabbed his heart was drained onto my shoulders and it made them feel heavy, but the relief that I felt from carrying them away from him was way more pleasuring than I thought it would've been. All I had to do was to deal with that pain myself just the way I dealed with it previously.
"You should rest," I told him and tried to push him down gently so he can lay on the trunk.
Before I could even wish him a good night, he held my wrist and pulled me into a bone crushing hug, sniffing in some refreshing air after a long while of suffocation.
My heart bursted. I could feel it, and I was scared that Taehyung was capable of feeling it too, so my face turned hot in embarrassment.
"Thank you, Seo Yeon. Thank you so much," he said, his arms gaining a tighter grip on my body the more he was capable of breathing.
I smiled and said," I'll keep watch until you have had enough sleep."
Meanwhile, Chung Ae was watching us with a soft smile planted onto his face. I turned my head into his direction once Taehyung was out of my arms and sleeping on the trunk, causing him to turn his face back up towards the moon and the stars.
Out of a million stories to hear about, he was just another story for me to discover.
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Hello my lovelieees!
Updaaateeee!!
I'm honestly feeling so excited about this book that I don't feel like updating the other two lmao...
I thought I might get sick of this book and pause it until one of the other books are done but joke is on me.
I'm loving this book.
Idk if you are supposed to know this, no one asked but I'll say it anyway... but.. I reread this book like multiple times and I like it so much!
I hope you do too!
Don't forget to take care and love yourselves,
Thank you all,
I love you,
-R 💜💜